For additional and older writings, or to join in on the conversation in the comments, you can view my Fetlife writing index here.
Tools and resources
Interactive things you can use right now — no purchase, no email required.
- The Emotional S/m Feelings Wheel (Vocabulary tool – for naming what you actually want out of degradation, humiliation, and fear play)
- The Personal Pain Response Decoder (Interactive tool – map how you actually process pain, rather than how you think you should)
- What’s Your Dark Dynamic Archetype? (Interactive Personality Quiz – especially for those interested in Total Power Exchange and/or RACK D/s and M/s dynamics)
- The Desire Decoder (BDSM Communication/Negotiation Tool – Analyze your own kinky desires, or get a results code to compare with a play partner’s and see where you align, complement each other, and have potential friction.)
Essays by topic
Risk, safety, and consent
- The Risk Profile: an alternative measure for safety and comfort in play
- You should reevaluate your risk profile.
- Ten Ways to Research Risk in Kink
- Scene Practicalities from the Bottom: a case study
- The Kool Aid Man-Sized Hole: pre-planning for unintentional consent violations
Masochism and pain
- Good vs. Bad Pain (for safety and as a pain processing tool)
- Changing Your Relationship With Pain
- Making a Masochist: Coda to ‘Changing Your Relationship with Pain’
- So you want to DECREASE your pain tolerance
- Tool: The Personal Pain Response Decoder
Emotional S/m — degradation and humiliation
- Questions and Considerations for Bottoming to Degradation Play
- How to Communicate About Your Degradation Kink + the ESM Feeling Wheel!
- When it comes to emotional S&M, safewords don’t really work.
- Set and Setting in Emotional S/m
- A Primer to Playing with Shame
- Feeling Ranges, or: A Field Guide to Feeling Authentically Degraded by Someone Who Doesn’t Think Poorly of You
Emotional S/m — fear play
- Fear Responses in BDSM: Risks, mitigation, and/or use in escalation
- Playing Against Type: Aiming for Fear Responses Outside of Your Default
- What Horror Movies Teach Us About Fear Play
- How do you play with fear if you don’t know what scares you/them?
- Before You Scare Me: 30 Questions and Considerations for Bottoming to Fear Play
Consensual non-consent (CNC)
- Avoiding Long-Term Trauma from CNC + Traumatic Play: a research-optimized framework for aftercare
- Don’t Threaten Me with a Good Time: how to say you want to not want it
- The CNC Paradox: Why Consensual Nonconsent Stops Feeling Real (and 10 Things You Can Do About It)
- How do you make sure it isn’t too real? A conversation on CNC with -chickenlittle-
- Also see many of the writings in the general section (especially this one on planning for unintentional CVs) and fear play section!
Bodies, disability, and chronic illness
- Tips for Kinking with Chronic Illness
- My considerations for play re hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS)
- Four Things You’re Getting (Kind Of) Wrong About Stretching
- We SHOULD talk about fitness and bottoming–but we need to do it better.
- The idea that consent must be enthusiastic is a privileged take on the world. (No, this isn’t a CNC post.)
- Also see the alt-healing writing in the blogs section!
Relationships and roles
- What You Must Know About Yourself Before Pursuing a Power Exchange
- A guide to submissive-initiated protocol
- So you’ve found yourself in a long distance relationship: what worked for me on the right side of the slash (Better version of the below writing, updated in response to the COVID-19 Pandemic experience)
- Long Distance Relationships: lessening the suck
- Thoughts on Fighting Codependency in Kink
- The Subservient Little
- What Age or Experience Level Does a Dark Dynamic Require?
- Tool: the Dark Dynamics Archetype Quiz
Unhealthy vs healthy TPE and dark dynamics: a series
- START HERE: Rules of Engagement, Context, and Definitions
- Part II: What makes for a healthy/unhealthy TPE (according to me and others)
- Part III: Questions to ask yourself to tell if your dark dynamic or TPE is unhealthy or not
- Part IV: You know someone whose dynamic seems unhealthy, or yours is and you want to stay. Now what?
Research series
- Defining CNC
- Defining Edge Play
- Why Younger Kinksters Don’t Attend Your Venue
- Analysis: Why Emotional S/m?
For additional and older writings, or to join in on the conversation in the comments, you can view my Fetlife writing index here.
Blogs, erotica, and personal writing
- “Dear Rape Culture”, or, On Being Loudly, Gloriously Happy About My (Consensual) Rape Play
- Current State of my O/p Power Exchange: ice cream sandwich
- CNC is not an unraveling.
- Why I no longer like alt “healing” spaces / How BDSM can be care
- “I don’t think–” “Then you shouldn’t talk,” said the Hatter.
(Others coming soon!)