Dear rape culture,
Here we are again.
You show up so often when I talk about consensual nonconsent (rape play or otherwise). You do it in my AMAs, comments, messages, or sometimes just in what friends of mine overhear.
You especially like to show up when I talk about the fact I’ve given my Owner blanket consent, and even more when I mention that I did so within a few months of us dating (which, to be fair, I don’t necessarily recommend, but maintain that it was the right path for me).
Sometimes you’re polite and concerned, sometimes you’re sharp and accusatory, sometimes you’re straight out of Mean Girls, but you’re usually pretty sure of one thing: that how open I am about my CNC is a threat to… something? That my talking about how fulfilled I am in my kink is irresponsible. That my own consent doesn’t matter as much as the looming fear of how someone else might misinterpret it.
I do hear what they are trying to say, you know, and 99% of the time, I genuinely think it isn’t ill-intentioned. Truly, it’s usually not even people saying that I shouldn’t do it, nor that I shouldn’t write or do classes about it. Mostly, they’re just saying I shouldn’t talk so openly about how soon in my journey I started playing like this. That this kind of CNC isn’t one I should endorse so heavily where The Newbies can see. That this is “advanced kink,” with a nuance which people will eventually be able to pick up on and risk-assess but that they just can’t when they first come on the scene… so we should protect them until then by keeping it behind closed doors, they think.
I can often understand where comments like those are coming from, and that’s because I DO care a great deal. I care about how you, rape culture, have woven yourself into our daily lives, and I care about how often you get used to bludgeon people into being quiet about what actually brings them joy.
Fuck, dude, aren’t you tired of this? How often you show up to cross your arms and shake your head and assert that people who want stuff like this should really be more careful. More mindful of the potential social consequences of our liberation. More conservative in how loudly we move through the world.
Well, I’m not letting you in here to do that.
Because rape culture, bro, what you’re missing is that fighting you off is actually part of why I teach communication and negotiation for CNC at all (though I’ll note that CNC as I define it does not only apply to rape play)—not because everyone should do this kind of CNC, but because pretending it doesn’t exist just won’t make anyone safer. Literacy, visibility paired with education and resources, will.
Sometimes, people justify their take that I should Keep It Quiet by telling me that the personal, especially in kink, is political. And the thing is that they’re entirely right: Yes, the personal is political. That’s WHY I talk about my CNC and rape play openly (on a platform where I’ve been explicit about what I post and where anyone engaging with my content is doing so by choice). That’s WHY I believe it is so very important that I live my values on here just as I do in “real life,” including my belief that anyone deserves to express and pursue their desires, so long as those desires are entirely between consenting adults.
And in fact, rape culture, I happen to believe that the suggestion that I should censor, soften, hide, or gatekeep the realities of these consensual desires—including to those who are new to kink—is far closer to your wheelhouse than anything -I’m- doing. Nobody should have to make their consensual desires smaller, quieter, or more discreet out of shame or fear, and especially those who have historically been told to do exactly that. (Like, say, disabled queer women, just for example!! 🙃)
Now, sure. If I were bringing this into vanilla public spaces where people hadn’t known they might encounter it and/or lacked the context of my own consent, that would be a problem. That would model that people should be okay with being mistreated, and it would be inviting you in. That’s not what I’m doing.
It also would be perpetuating your existence, rape culture, if I were taking this into enclosed kink spaces which others could not easily leave. That, again, would be a problem. But Fetlife or my personal website are places in which people engage in autonomously and out of full choice, and where I’m extremely upfront and consistent regarding what I post and talk about so that folks can abide their own boundaries by simply no longer clicking on my page or even blocking it so that it doesn’t come up in their feeds, just as I do with the handful of interests that I am not willing to see in my feed. So that’s not what I’m doing, either.
And of course, if I were ever glorifying actual rape, that would be the biggest problem of all.
But you see, rape has to do with a lack of consent and with a power that is taken regardless of what someone else desires. And that’s just… not what I’m talking about. Not at all.
Still, I am glorifying something. (And also, I’mma keep on doing it and you can’t stop me, so there!) What I’m glorifying is my ability to pursue my own bliss, especially in a life where much of my own experiences with others—and, indeed, with you, rape culture, yourself—has told me that my desires are invalid, inappropriate, and incompatible with feminism and strength.
The personal is political, yes. And you are so real and present in our everyday lives, even on Fetlife or sex ed sites. You try to put on a mask, but I see you, and I’m going to tell everyone exactly where you are.
Rape culture, you are the voice telling others that they should be cautious and reserved about expressing what gives them pleasure, and of asserting their deservingness to pursue and discuss that pleasure as they go. You are an upholding of the Madonna/Whore dichotomy which supports the myth that only “bad” people have certain sexual fantasies or jump into them early on in knowing someone, an idea which leads to the continued erasure of the diversity of sexual experiences. You are what happens when someone’s right to define their own erotic and romantic life is subordinated to social policing.
Rape culture, you are the dynamic which states that we must always be careful to ensure our sexualities are not too disruptive, too wild, too dangerous—because this is the same logic that blames victims for assault based on how they dress, act, or express desire. Even when people “mean well,” implying that I am responsible for promoting the harm done by actual rapists as a result of discussing my relationship and sex life as it actually exists, on the actual timeline it happened on, is still assigning blame to a sexual woman for the bad behavior of the perpetrators of rape.
Rape culture, you are the one infantilizing other adults by suggesting that even when I am explicit about my consent and enjoyment, others here on Fetlife will be unable to differentiate between my consent and actual violence. You are a reinforcement of the idea that women and others who are marginalized in some way simply cannot be trusted to understand nuance or distinguish between fantasy and reality.
And rape culture, especially in today’s age, you so often flatten sexual discourse through silences: silence around consent, silence around assault, silence around pleasure.
These silences, especially around things like CONSENSUAL nonconsent, muddy the broader cultural literacy of how negotiation and enthusiasm might actually look in practice. Every time we decide to stay quiet until The Newbies have “enough” experience in some invisible jury’s eyes, we make those newbies less equipped to recognize harm, set boundaries, or have informed sexual relationships. When we suggest that silence is safer or better than modeling how consent can function even with edgy or taboo interests, this silence makes room for you to step in.
Because the truth is that rape play IS one of the most commonly documented sexual desires, especially (though not only) among women, and keeping it locked away until people are at the appropriate Kink Experience Level doesn’t change that. It just means less-experienced folks have fewer perspectives on tools to keep themselves safe, less knowledge of potential support systems, and less ability to recognize harm or set boundaries in their own relationships.
And look, rape culture, buddy, you don’t have to like it. That’s fine.
But I refuse to let societal norms of being polite and contrite make me feel that I don’t get to be loudly, wonderfully, gloriously happy, especially not when discussing consensual play which I have never regret in either subject matter nor timeline, consensual play which I personally find empowering, validating, and affirming of my own sexuality. Play which, might I add, I’ve found especially potent in recent months as far as accepting and transforming the recently-discovered less-than-consensual acts in my own past.
Oh, yes, rape culture, I see you plain and clear.
You are the implication that my saying “I want this” isn’t powerful enough to matter as-is.
And you are wrong.
My consent is enough.
My consent is not the problem.
My vocal expression of what I consent to is not the problem. It never has been.
You, rape culture, are the problem.
And you can get the fuck outta here.
If you read this while nodding along but still feel a bit like “Okay, but how the hell DO I play in these edges and let go enough to experience the moment while still keeping things grounded in consent?”, you’re exactly who my live class on Negotiating and Communicating for Consensual Nonconsent this upcoming Monday was written for. If you’re seeing this message, there aren’t currently any tickets available—but if you subscribe to my newsletter, you’ll get a heads up the next time I’m teaching it!