I like information. I like gathering it and I like looking for patterns. I do these things for personal enjoyment, to better plan my writings and classes, and to share something that maybe others find of value. I have done this before with Defining CNC and Defining Edge Play. Now, I’ve changed from a what to a why.
Both in order to answer a question a friend asked and to help refine my Negotiation and Communication for Emotional S/m class, I recently asked for responses to “Why do you like emotional sadomasochism?” I received roughly 40 responses, some in the form of comments or writings and some in DM by those who wanted to remain anonymous, and have now identified a few trends.
For the purposes of this writing, ESM refers to emotional sadomasochism. I did not define “emotional S/m” for the respondents, but readers may wish to keep in mind that this is a vast and varied kind of play that could encompass a number of different things. All that being said…
Here are the major themes I found in the answers to “why emotional S/m?”
It makes us feel seen.
The most common phrase in the answers by far (over half included some variation) was along the lines of “emotional S/m makes me feel seen.” I’ll break this further into two terms I saw fairly frequently: authenticity and intimacy. There’s a large overlap in the venn diagram of how these factors were described, so the lines may blur a bit in the discussion below. I think this quote from @mairy helps to illustrate both well:
“It reassures me that my partner sees all my grotesqueries but is attracted to me anyways.”
Authenticity
As in mairy’s quote above and written in some form by a sizable number of others, many who play with emotional S/m prefer to be brought to real “undesirable” emotions or to have actual insecurities come up in play, often feeling that it in some way peels back the layers of the everyday public-facing self to reveal a self that is more “real,” “authentic,” or “complete.” In playing in a way that focuses on these self-perceived negative traits—in mairy’s description, “grotesqueries”—their play partners see them in a way others never do.
Intimacy
Intimacy, named by over a third of all answers total, further breaks down into two more categories of its own.
The first is represented by that second half of mairy’s quote: intimacy can be the closeness that comes from knowing one party still accepts, likes, is attracted to, or otherwise wants to be around the other after the authentic self has been revealed. This goes for the bottom-to-top direction too: Tops feel intimacy both in the honor of the bottoms showing them their true selves and in their cruel sides being accepted and desired.
The second way intimacy was discussed was phrased more or less as a prerequisite, or else, a quality of which good ESM scenes are a proof: the idea that creating an effective emotional response may necessitate a deep, intimate knowledge or understanding of the other party. It may simply be a requirement for ESM to happen, and/or good ESM can be the evidence of this deep knowledge that makes non-ESM connections feel more possible:
“Someone who knows how to emotionally hurt also makes me feel seen, and feeling seen makes me feel safe and makes me feel cared about/loved. If someone knows how to hurt me in precisely the ways they want, they’re demonstrating that they are unlikely to hurt me accidentally in ways that they don’t want.” – @ACatNamedSam
It helps us explore ourselves.
This is a big category, as I’m including many different items from the coding in it. There were a fair number of topics that came up a non-zero amount yet not often enough to be their own major category. These subtopics, bolded where they appear below, seem to me to fit under a larger theme: engaging in emotional S/m allows for a deep exploration of the self.
This is a fairly wide umbrella. For one grouping under it, ESM is a way to experience feelings they likely wouldn’t otherwise and to explore the full range of the human experience (put a pin in this). This overlapped with “feeling seen” in some cases, with discussions of having the full range of ones’ emotions brought out by a partner therein validating that all those emotions are acceptable and safe to show.
Another group spoke of ESM as a way to—as @Venerant put it—calibrate their emotional scales. By engaging in darker emotions in play, they are able to better evaluate emotions they experience elsewhere in life. This may happen in a number of different ways:
“Sometimes the relief comes from my negative perceptions being affirmed and the resulting pain, and sometimes the relief comes from recognizing the absurdity of my perceptions having heard them from someone else, and thus letting them go.” – @InquisitiveElle
“Human brains don’t judge by how objectively good things are–they judge how good they are *relative to other times.* I appreciate all of my life more if I get thrown down into a hole and feel how far I have to climb/be pulled back up, and doing this in the controlled setting of emotional sadism is healthier than getting into actual life trouble just for the sake of contrast.” -@SuspendDIsbelief
This calibration also can be related to the matter of overcoming: getting through a trying ESM experience helps some bottoms trust that they can also get through trying daily life experiences. An anonymous top likewise spoke of how being the architect of ESM scenes provided this feeling, saying “When I am also the demon, I know my own don’t stand a chance.”
@sweetblackangel also brought up the language of personal demons, stating that ESM offers “a way to drag my demons out into the light and actually work with them instead of suppress them. Turns out, they are a lot less scary after play.” Working with negative emotions once they’ve been brought to the surface was an element worth naming for a number of respondents, in terms like “shadow work,” “processing,” and so forth.
In these ways and others—while ESM is not therapy—engaging in ESM can be therapeutic. That is, many find it somehow soothing, informative, or otherwise helpful to fostering mental health. ESM was referred to as “a controlled setting” in which they could feel negative feelings that they might be drawn to or even benefit from in some way, experience release/catharsis, and become less likely to self-sabotage in relationship with others.
“I don’t trust [times in my life when things are good] […] and I end up having urges to sabotage good things just to prove to myself that I’m still in reality and that I still can recover if things go wrong. If I’m in a place where ESM play is on the table, I can more effectively resist that urge, essentially by telling myself that I don’t need to do that work and can trust the sadist to do it for me next time we’re together.” – @Chayla
And though this decidedly is not the case for all, for some, the draw to ESM is one some players reference as stemming in some way from past traumas, intentionally and/or innately. This is another venn diagram overlap area: a few brought this up in terms of feeling that trauma is “fully seen” by a partner, as well as with a final subcategory here.
Though it is worth saying that not all think of their societally-engrained emotional beliefs as a kind of trauma, a number of respondents mentioned the way ESM allows feelings that sociopolitical, cultural, or familial norms did/do not. (Ouch! What was that? Oh, that’s that pin I stuck in earlier, right around how ESM gives some the experiences of emotions they don’t otherwise get to feel.) Bottoms assigned male at birth pointed to the vulnerability they can feel in ESM as something they don’t feel allowed in daily life, and tops assigned female at birth spoke about the freedom to be “powerful,” “cold-hearted,” “selfish,” and other similar words.
“The reason that I only top for distress and not pleasure (even though they can achieve similar ends) is probably influenced by my violent allergic reaction to society telling me that partnered happiness is found through being pleasing to my (male) partners. At this point in my life, the idea of “pleasing” is revolting.” -@owlfinch
“I am invited to explore emotions that I have been taught are wrong. Things around gender, sexuality, power. I am on some level accepted and affirmed as a whole person with flaws and instabilities and trivial obsessions – and this makes me feel powerful, alive, loved. Though I am very emotionally sadistic, I ultimately find many scenes sadomasochistic because I allow the bottom/sub to view parts of me i have been taught are problems. I mean this both in a general Western Culture way, but also in the Sex Culture way.” – @GetsCarriedAway
“Hurting for someone gives me space to feel feelings I wasn’t allowed to feel when I was younger. I’ve been managing and carefully controlling my emotions my entire life, and it’s incredibly difficult for me to put those guards down. Emotional sadism is someone forcibly tearing those walls down and then putting the negative emotions inside. And that’s safe. If I’m sad because someone wanted me to be, then that isn’t a failure to manage my emotions.” – @ACatNamedSam
It’s hot.
When I first asked this question elsewhere, a very lovely kinky brain scientist told me that it’s fairly simple why people are attracted to this: arousal, plain and simple. Now, while arousal is not a 1:1 connection to “that’s hot,” this meaning of arousal was acknowledged directly by at least a third of participants. There were also several “I don’t know why I like it; I just do” type answers that I didn’t include in this count, but that I suspect meant the same thing, and perhaps responding to the question at all even implies this answer (but perhaps not, so I did do a formal count).
What’s hot about ESM for respondents came from fantasies, from narrative, or from above-listed reasons (such as intimacy) and others being turn-ons themselves. A small but not insignificant number of respondents also mentioned engaging in ESM because the people they like are into it.
Tops were slightly more forthcoming with “it’s just hot” answers. Almost all of them mentioned power. Notably, two switches said that emotional sadism is rooted in sexuality for them, while emotional masochism is not.
Finally, some stated that ESM is something they can engage in even with bodily limitations from illness, disability, or daily life requirements: it is at least to some extent a more practical approach to our sadomasochism.
In all the answers, those three themes were the most all-encompassing. However, there is one last thing that did come up enough that I think it’s worth sharing:
“I deserve it.”
This was, truth be told, only said a few times. All the same, it’s the complication of this statement which makes it the perfect one to end on: although it is true that some who play with ESM have self-conceptions that align with the play, there’s also something here that I always try to highlight in my classes: *you deserve to seek out consensual experiences that are as fucked up as you desire them to be.* Some participants said this outright about themselves, and I am saying it outright here: Those who enjoy ESM deserve to have it with the consenting partners of their dreams.
And so do you, if you’re nodding along with any of this. I hope that you get the chance.
Housekeeping/Interesting things.
Please note that ESM is also edge play for many of us. I suggest you do not engage in it without thorough consideration. I [have a list of questions bottoms could look at here](https://fetlife.com/users/3055227/posts/5489251),
I did not include comments to the writings others posted in response to me if they did not also comment to me directly—no one’s answers were included in the analysis if they were not given specifically to me for that reason. If you’re interested in these writings (which are wonderful!) and the other responses, you can read the “raw data” on Fetlife here. Should you want to join in on the conversation in the comments of my writings, you can find the original Fetlife post of this one here.
The majority of the responses were from bottoms, though not all. Many were from switches. Somewhat surprisingly to me, nearly all of the complete tops who responded chose to do so anonymously. I just found this interesting and wanted to share. Responses quoted are no better or worse than those not quoted. They were just the right quotes for what I was trying to say
Want to be included in future research? I do post about things like this on Fet, but my substack is the best way to ensure you get the questions when I send them out.