informational

Jan

2024

Thoughts on Fighting Codependency in Kink

I want to start off by saying I feel HEAVILY disqualified to write this. I am naturally codependent. That’s maybe why I’m writing it. The other day, I re-read something I had on this and got really depressed because oh hey, I’d fallen into a lot of the old behaviors. I guess this is a way of organizing some of those thoughts and reminding myself I know what to do and am capable. I am not a mental health professional and this should just be taken as my personal thoughts above anything else.

The other reason is because I read something the other day about building self-confidence in submissives and there was a point about giving them self-improvement tasks and praising them for completing them and guys, that’s really bad. So I’ve been thinking about this since then. I’m not even gonna try and be short with this one, btw, but I’ll bold/headline important stuff for skimming.

The thing is, those of us who are codependent don’t have anything wrong with us. We have—and want—super-close, super intense connections. But there’s a problem when it causes people to become controlling, or fearful, or feel unworthy, or even to enable the bad/addictive behavior of the other by breeding shame and an expectation that they *will* mess up. I didn’t realize I was codependent until about eight months ago, and working on it in therapy has made me happier, more stable, and stronger in relationships (romantic and otherwise). And obviously, it’s a process. Probably always will be.

What is codependency?

Codependency is a dysfunctional way of being based in self-neglect, not just two people who depend on each other. Once more: codependent is not the same thing as interdependent. Interdependence is healthy. Codependence means you derive your self worth from fixing other people’s messes in a way that may actually enable them—it originated in AA referring to relationships who were covering for their addicts at work, making them feel better about slips without ever acknowledging it needs to stop, etc.

Codependency is putting so much value on “fixing” the other person that you ignore your own boundaries, neglect your own interests and needs, and when you inevitably cannot make it perfect because you are not in control of another’s actions, having spiraling self esteem. Everything else in life falls away in favor of some kind of impossible level of caretaking, and it is self destructive for both people. It’s a bad state of mental health. For many people it causes anxiety around doing right by their partner all the time, or things like always being depressed when a partner is depressed.

Lots of things can cause codependency. You may have developed a codependent personality as a response to excessive dishonesty, neglect, shaming in your relationships (not necessarily from the relationship you’re exhibiting it in). You may have been a “golden child” or otherwise lived with unrealistic expectations. It may be connected to anxiety, bipolar, BPD, or other things that make you feel things intensely and have a hard time understanding others who don’t. Or you may just have a naturally codependent personality. It may be none of the above.

To some extent, all power exchange is codependent. Actually, all relationships are. But there’s a healthy limit. Here are a few things that fall under the umbrella:

feeling responsible for other’s behavior. They’re doing this because I didn’t ____. If I _____, they’ll behave this way.
basing your value on how much you can help others—this was/is one of my biggest things.
feeling uncomfortable when others want to help you
trouble speaking up about your own needs and interests
basing your behavior on the prevention of abandonment
telling other people things are okay when they aren’t

A few traits that I think are particularly prevalent in power exchange:

putting the well-being and interests of others first/actively denying your own
asking permission for things you need to do to function
needing to know every little thing the other is doing
excessive care-taking

How Do You Fight Codependency Within Power Exchange Dynamics?

This is by no means exhaustive. These are just some of the things I’ve been identifying that have red flashing lights around what I’ve learned about codependency recently.

Be careful with self-improvement dynamics.

I do believe that all relationships should want the other person to improve. I also believe that if you learn to do a healthy thing when told, you won’t do the healthy thing when not told. I wrote once about how, even though I live to write, when I became used to my Owner commanding me when to go write I stopped doing it on my own and began to wait for His command/feel uncomfortable doing it without one, or even purposefully not do it out of depression/anger/I don’t know what that He didn’t. I’ve seen this applying to others with working out, journaling… lots of things. Because of this, I really, really caution against micromanagement without careful guard against this. Self-improvement dynamics are great, but there are other ways to do it.

While dominants might express a desire for and general praise for doing things, avoid being too prescriptive about ALL non-service tasks.

There is a time for this, but it’s the difference between “try hard in class today” and “go and spend fifteen minutes on your flash-cards.” I think that one allows for the other person to develop their own healthy habits, while the other teaches there is one right way to do things, and doing it in another way may displease your partner. Obviously, I’m applying this specifically to self-improvement and things they’re doing for themselves, not “make my coffee in this specific way” and similar.

Intentionally choose things to engage in that are 100% unrelated to your partner’s desires for you.

This doesn’t mean ignoring the things they want you to do, but developing other things that are not based at all on their desires. Goals completely of your own. Sometimes, it’s best to not even tell them about it, if your dynamic allows for that. That really helps in learning to not require approval all the time.

Use mindfulness and cognitive rerouting to consciously rephrase your behaviors.

It can still be something that affects your partner, but see if you can think of the things you do and then add reasons which include the words ‘I’ and ‘me’. See the difference between “I’m working out for Owner” and “I’m working out because it makes me happier and more stable, which makes my life and relationships better,” or between “I track my the calories of my submissives” and “I keep an eye on my loved ones’ eating habits because I want to keep myself surrounded with healthy lifestyles.” If any of your reasons include “because if I don’t” (not punishment based but “if I don’t do this, they do behave this way” reroute or eliminate that immediately.

Accept some amount of powerlessness; respond accordingly.

Listen, I’m not saying you left side slashes don’t have control. You do. I’m in a TPE, I get it. But there’s something a mentor told me in high school (typical teenage boy being stupid, typical girl pining over it) which has really stuck with me. She said,

“I believe people do what they want. If he wants to do something, he’ll find a way to do it. If he doesn’t, maybe he doesn’t really want to.”

This is actually similar to something my Owner told me once, back when we were first meeting. I’m probably not getting this exactly right, but it was something like: imagine Brad Pitt/J-Lo/whoever asks you on a date. You don’t say “let me see how I’m feeling” or keep them waiting that night because a friend wants drinks. If you really have another commitment, you offer a different time to do it. If you don’t, it’s quite possible you didn’t *really* want to. And we should all value ourselves as much as Brad Pitt.

This applies to submission, too. If someone doesn’t obey something (I’m excepting brat/funishment dynamics here) they probably just didn’t want to do it enough.

Don’t accept or enable forgetting as an excuse. If they want to follow protocol enough and know they might do that, expect them to write it down. I’m not a top, so I can’t speak too much to this. On the other side of things, though, if your partner – D or s – does something that hurts you and says “oh, I didn’t mean to,” that just isn’t true. Maybe they didn’t know it would damage the relationship, if you haven’t told them before, but they *did* mean to. We’re in control of our own actions. Starting to think “well, what can I do to make them want to do/not do x in the future?” is dangerous.

Communicate your boundaries and needs, and decide what breaking them means ahead of time.

It’s really just the same as good discipline dynamics. “I need this in my relationships, and when I don’t get it I feel this way. If it does/doesn’t happen, here is how I will respond.” If they continue to do/not do the thing, well, decide what you do in a relationship where they don’t care about that. Decide before it’s done/not done, and stick to your decision on your next step. Don’t accept excuses if alternatives or plans to fix the issue aren’t given.

Don’t expect something if you don’t say you need or want it, and don’t expect yourself to always guess what others want correctly.

You do not have the power to communicate telepathically. If you do, get off here; there are better uses for your time.

And finally,

You cannot fix your partner’s depression.

Do not try. It is not your fault or responsibility.

Things that aren’t Power Exchange-Specific

Don’t blindly support your partner.

How often do I see submissives going around fighting their left slash’s battles, or smiling and nodding while looking uncomfortable? Or the left slash going full bodyguard on everything that is said about their partner? Support your partner in the things you support them in. If that’s their every move and opinion, great! But it doesn’t make you a bad person if it isn’t. You don’t have to disparage them. Like, please don’t. But insist on your ability to have your own thoughts, or at least don’t agree with things you don’t agree with. Along with this, try not to make assumptions on one person in a relationship based on what the others do. Practice knowing that people are individuals.

Disentangle your events, friendships, and so forth.

I’ve been going to a local slosh every so often, recently, something I wouldn’t have done a year ago. My partner isn’t really into the slosh environment. What I’ve found so weird is that every time I go, three or four people say to me “where’s Emm?” like it’s really weird that I’m out without Him. That’s a problem. As long as you aren’t keeping secrets, do your own thing. Let people in couples do their own thing.

Don’t be in relationship styles that enable this behavior in your life.

For some it is monogamy, for some it is poly (or a specific brand of that i.e. hierarchical). Or it might just be a specific person. If a relationship makes you say “I have to do everything right or I’ll be abandoned in favor of somebody/something else” instead of “we care about each other, we both chose to be here, and we’ll work on things together” then it may not be right for you.

Take responsibility for picking yourself up.

Have an aftercare plan for yourself. Definitely do expect partners help you with the immediate getting water, blankets, cuddling/threats or whatever you need there, but also plan for yourself by doing things like not scheduling big events after play, avoiding news/people that you know will upset you, having good food around. (This applies to D type drop too but I don’t have the insight for that. Feel free to post ideas in comments!)

Get a therapist. Get therapists. Get them separately.

Couples counseling has its place, but I believe everyone can benefit from individual therapy as well. If there are issues, examine your own role and reactions apart from your partner, and with a professional. Seriously. I never imagined it could help so much. Make it a New Year’s Resolution.

But what if you want a codependent relationship in D/s?

That might sound completely ridiculous to some of us, but it’s also really present in kink. People who are in CG/l inherently WANT a relationship based around some amount of care-taking. There ARE people whose idea of dream power exchange involves micromanagement. I DO want to be around and share lives with my Owner as much as possible, and be what He desires me to be.

Okay. So that’s where we stand, then. I’d bet it’s more common here than not. But be aware of it. Know that might be unhealthy in many situations, and keep it something you want and are happy to be doing and not something you depend on for your self-esteem. Don’t let it become your default in your other relationships. Choose it.

As stated at the top, I don’t know what I’m doing. Who does? But I hope my thoughts can help someone. If not, dissecting this a bit today helped me, at least for now. It’s a process. It’s a conscious thing. I’m workin’ on it.

If you have other suggestions or know more than I do, I hope you’ll join in on the conversation on the in the comments of the original Fetlife post here.

Jan

2024

Changing Your Relationship With Pain

NOTE: This is a highly condensed version of a class I now teach. It has been slightly edited recently, but is vastly in need of more.

Since joining the more public fetish community, I’ve frequently received messages–first, from people who’d seen me scene in public, then from people who’d seen pictures of me post-scene on mine or another’s profile—asking how to get through those tough scenes. I’ve decided to compile a few of the responses I give. I hope some of you find it helpful.

I cannot teach you to be a masochist.

I came to the scene and my relationship already craving pain and destruction. It’s hard-wired in my brain. There’s a reason the DSM once considered masochism a mental disorder (though this in itself is problematic). Since the initial writing of this post, I have thought about one possibility, but it requires the participation of a top.

Some things to note about this and what we are talking about here at all:

Being a masochist does not mean that I don’t feel pain.
I definitely feel pain. I definitely suffer. I definitely scream and cringe and hurt. I just like it. I also usually have a ‘switch over’ moment where I stop hurting and start coming; sometimes it is after one hit and sometimes it takes a lot longer.

I don’t think I have a high pain tolerance.
But I’m frequently told otherwise. What does this mean? It means if you’re feeling like you “don’t take enough” because of the way you do or don’t mark, the length of your scenes, etc, it’s pretty possible that actually, you’re taking a lot more than the average bear. Imposter syndrome is alive and well in kink. We have a tendency to think we aren’t doing as well because we are on Fet, seeing pictures of cool scenes and awesome marks. But think about it–if people aren’t doing cool scenes or come away with no marks, they aren’t posting it. Don’t fall victim to that availability heuristic.

@AccidentalFlirt adds: “pain tolerance is not a competition… you shouldn’t aspire to be able to take pain in the same way that someone else can. You should only aspire to take as much as YOU can… and that tolerance level changes.”

Being a masochist is not required for a D/s relationship.
You can learn to take pain without enjoying it at all physically and enjoy the service aspect. In fact, a D/s relationship doesn’t have to include pain at all! If your top-y person wants you to enjoy pain and you just really, really, do not – you may just be mismatched. Sorry, just like one might be mismatched in terms of libido, religion, politics, or anything else, if that’s an important aspect of the relationship to you or your partner, that’s something to consider.

As I’ve taught and worked with this material for a while now, I’ve come to realize that all the advice I give comes down to one main thing. If you read nothing further, I hope this will help.

My number one tip is this:

Learn what pain you might be able to and what pain you shouldn’t continue with.
Knowing what you actually shouldn’t handle may help you to remind yourself “this is okay.” Generally speaking, though there are always exceptions, Bad Pain may be in the joints, a very specific location, not where you expect it (being hit in the thigh but feeling pain in your stomach), cause stabby breathing, does not decrease with breaks, or involve a sound, among other things. Good Pain in my experience is muscle or skin pain, comes in ‘waves’ as you adjust, throbs, and is where you would expect it to be. You are unlikely to get compartment syndrome. Bruises over bruises will not cause a pulmonary embolism. “Hitting over the kidneys” is rarely a thing to be concerned about (much less actually over the kidneys). Reading, going to classes, and the like—information meant for both tops and bottoms—is so important. The more you know, the more you can get out of your head. (That is not to say all resources are good resources, so read as much as possible and compare notes. I’ll take this moment to express my hate of the totally false endorphin load article that says they are released in levels and gives instructions as to what will make that happen and what each will do. Fuck that writing in particular.)

Additionally, prepare your body best to avoid these bad types of pain. Warming up is the best way to do that. I have a post with some information on how to do that properly here (hint: it isn’t yoga, probably.)

When you feel you are fully informed and can determine if the pain is something threatening to your well-being or not, you can better take a step back in the moment and say, “Oh, okay. Body, you aren’t in mortal danger. I can calm that fight-or-flight response. I can stop breathing heavily and screaming, because that is a reaction to being harmed, which I am not.” Your body doesn’t know I want this, it only knows if the ways you are reacting are the ways that you react to danger. I believe that the majority of the advice I can give you comes down to don’t cue your body to panic if it doesn’t have to.

The rest of the thoughts:

This post is designed for bottoms, so I can’t offer you techniques as far as impact, warming a bottom up, etc. I do have recommendations now on helping aid those on a mission to masochism. I also believe knowing the sorts of things I talk about here and attending other bottoming education classes will only help tops to become a better top.

Play with people that know you.
And that means that if you aren’t playing within a relationship or a situation where your partner knows you well, you need to get real good at communicating what you like and what your cues are. Shaking may be a sign of shock for one and a sign of extreme pleasure for another.

Know how your partners play.
Watch them. Ask them. Some sadists like to get the most out of only one implement. Some like to go in waves with breaks in between, starting at a warm-up level again each time. My Owner tends to escalate in terms of implement and strength throughout a scene. If you aren’t sure how to handle pain, it will help you to know how things are going to go.

@Miss-Sammi adds: “keep in mind, that each person wields implements differently. What might be a NO GO with one play partner, maybe a OH YES with another.”

Only play with people you’re capable of being completely honest with.*
Before, during, and especially after play.

Okay, now that that housekeeping is done, I’ll get down to the nitty-gritty. Here’s how I “handle” pain.

The Mental

Set an Intention
This is, as far as I’m concerned, the most important tip – and I offer no apologies if it sounds a little woo. Know your scene’s intention. How? Discuss it ahead of time. Know what both you and your play partner want to get out of it. Listen to the cues from your top, the little tidbits hidden in their talk about wanting you to suffer for them, or wanting to make you come. Play with people you know really well. Know, and know well, why you’re doing this scene. This could be for yours or their sexual pleasure, to serve by suffering, to serve by having a really great, connected scene, to go to the point of destruction for humiliation or the rebuild after, or any number of things. Figure it out – and then put that intention into a short, repeatable phrase. You can now repeat this with every strike, or when the pain gets to be a little too much. For me, this phrase might be “I am His,” “I will make Him proud,” “I am safe.”

Here’s a fun fact: your brain is easy to trick! If the scene is about giving you any sort of pleasure from pain, you can oftentimes get there by repeating to yourself something along the lines of “This is hot. I love this.”

Personal example: last week, my Owner took me for a whipping. It became very clear to me early on (from His body language, His urgency to start the scene, His words, and the way He used the whip) that this was not a scene about my pleasure whatsoever. This was about Him wanting to whip me, and for me to suffer from it. Period. This was about serving my sadist. My mantra for this scene was “this is for Him.”

Count down in small numbers.
If you’re going to be hit 200 times (or, more likely, at least in the scenes I do, some large but unplanned and unknown number), it doesn’t do well to think “I have AT LEAST 199 strikes left!” But you can always, always count to ten. This is another brain trick. Maybe you’ll be doing it 20 times. But you still have a small victory every tenth strike (or thirty seconds, or new position, if you’re doing some sort of non-impact play.) Like the mantra, this also gives you something else to focus on.

Smile.
Make a conscious effort to do so. Similar to the “I love this” placebo effect, you may be able to trick your brain into pleasure.
It’s also really sexy.

@Bloodybuzzard adds: “Laugh! If at all possible, giggle, chuckle, laugh. Find something amusing and laugh. It can alter your perception of things going on and there’s good medicine as well as endorphins in laughter.”

Stop aiming for bruises.
Seriously. A good half of my messages on this are people from both sides of the slash asking how to cause deeper bruising. Yes, some strikes and implements are more likely to bruise, but this depends much more on body composition and what you’ve been putting into yourself than that. It is NOT a reflection of how hard you played. Expecting it to be sets you or your partner up for feelings of failure and disappointment. Besides, if you play frequently, your body will learn to bruise less or build up “leather butt” – so the lack of color can be just as much of a trophy.

React.
Whatever that may mean for you. Holding it in will distract you from your real focus. Alternately, don’t. Sometimes consciously realizing “I don’t have to scream right now” and stopping will shut down the trauma response and switch you over to enjoyment.

@Passioned adds: “My tolerance is so-so prior to breaking down, and then once i start crying and sobbing it increases. i think it’s because once my Dom “breaks me” in the way that i need to be broken, i “give in” to the pain wand start embracing it without feeling shame about it.”

Remember why you are there.
Related to intention, consciously reminding yourself every so often that “I want to be here” can do wonders to calm down the trauma response that our brains default to.

The Physical

Learn to breathe.
Don’t assume you know how.

Practice taking a big breath for a second. Your stomach should be going out more than your shoulders are going up. This kind of breath is one that goes through your diaphragm. It maximizes the oxygen intake into your bloodstream and calms down your fight-or-flight response. It’s also very hard to do this properly quickly – if you’re breathing through your diaphragm, you can’t hyperventilate. If you breathe in a way that expands your chest over your abdominals, you’re making your life harder in every way. Stop it.
(If you don’t know what diaphragmatic breathing looks like, ask any singer.) I also find it helpful to breathe in the opposite direction of what is happening–exhaling as a needle slides *in* to my body, for example, or inhaling as I am hit (a forward motion).

Treat your body well pre-scene.
Treat your body well all the time. But especially if you’re going to get beat up, you need to eat protein and good sugars that day and drink water – so you don’t pass out, among other things.

Exercise, if that interests you.
Yep, this goes with the above, but there’s a secondary reason. Ever experience the “hump” in an aerobic exercise where you think you can’t do it anymore, and then you get past it and have a “second wind”? Get used to getting past it – and pay attention to what you do to get past it. This, too, is a form of “pain tolerance” – as well as an overall way to increase endurance. See here for more information on doing this correctly.

Negotiate for current-day body awareness.
When you negotiate, do not just include ongoing injuries. Take a second to check in with your body *that day* and communicate where it’s at. Have you been walking for a while, leaving your upper thighs more sensitive than usual? Are you tired or in an emotional place? This is important for your top to know. Give them the tools to help you. (If you aren’t good at body awareness and communication, may I humbly suggest my workbook? It’s got a whole section with exercises to work on this.)

Sexual pleasure, if that interests you.
Your brain automatically chooses pleasure over pain. Some people can take more pain while being sexually stimulated in some form. Careful, though – getting all the way to orgasm is a risky business. It’s gonna take you out of your head and screw up your breathing. Your pain tolerance may be zapped post-orgasm. But then, your sadist may know that…

Play more often.
Just like anything else. Of course, I’m assuming you all are rational people who are going to play because you WANT to play, with people you want to play with, and not just for the sake of increasing your tolerance for someone else. Like anything else, this takes practice. Last year, I left the country for four months. I knew when I got back, my first scene would be Hell.
(Awesome, awesome Hell.)

@acrosub adds: “Try thinking of each strike as a massage, feel the energy and immediately absorb it into your body. Let it sink into your muscles and breath it through your body. It dissipates the pain quickly.”*

[Note: I’ve found that the way for me to do this is to imagine the pain as a firework bursting across my body and spreading out.]

Untense your muscles/try a different position.
Actively take a deep breath with your shoulders up, and then release them fully. Stop sticking your neck forward. Swing your arms a bit and squat up and down during breaks to make sure you aren’t holding your muscles tight or your knees locked. I recently discovered that I enjoy pain significantly more while standing rather than on a spanking bench, presumably because how it keeps me from tensing my muscles in anticipation (since said muscles are in charge of keeping me upright.) Sometimes a small adjustment can change a feeling entirely. If where you are and what you’re doing isn’t working, don’t be afraid to try a small change like this rather than ending a scene.

All right, that’s what I got. I mainly wrote this to link to people who message me in the future, but please love and share if you find it helpful. I teach this as a class occasionally, so do check in on my newsletter if you want to hear when I’m teaching it next, or ask your favorite event organizer to host me! And please, do add your own strategies in the comment section on Fetlife! Happy hurting!

Jan

2024

Long Distance Relationships in BDSM: lessening the suck

Soon, I’ll finally have spent more time in real-life power exchange relationships than in long-distance ones. That’s right – of the seven-ish years I’ve been dating in kink at time of writing this, over 3.5 of them I’ve done long-distance: because of military, school, and life, ranging from a three hour drive to an 18 hour flight apart. I’ve been able to Skype multiple times a day, and I’ve been restricted to snail-mail for three months. I’ve done this within monogamy, open relationships, and polyamory. All of these have had some element of kink.

There are good things about LDRs: care packages, long conversations, the incomparably exciting homecoming, the dual social groups. You learn each other’s minds better than most real-time couples ever do.

But it sucks. Okay? Okay. It sucks. It’s going to suck. It never is going to stop sucking. You can lessen the suck, though. There are ways. I like to think that I’ve learned some of them. There are people who have done this for longer than I have, but in my varied experiences, this is what I’ve learned. I’ll start with some general advice, then a bit about how I did kink long distance, and then some of the really hard stuff.

General LDR Advice

Plan Ahead
To the extent that you can. I have never done an LDR that started LDR, but I have had as little as a month’s warning before a deployment. I’ve also had months and months of preparation. The more you can know together what your expectations will be, the easier of a time you’ll have. This means calculating timezones and figuring out the best times for calls, deciding how often you want to talk and in what ways, if you’ll have ‘date nights’ and how those will look. It means implementing some protocol beforehand, if you’re into that, so you know what to expect (more on this later.)

Prioritize
You cannot spend as much time with someone apart as you can together. Presumably, one or both of you is doing something awesome and that needs time. But, as with any relationship, you should try to prioritize your partner the way you would if they were right there – or decide in advance you aren’t going to. This is something I ran into some issues with regarding polyamory: because in real life, ‘time together’ can be sitting in the same room together texting, or going to a movie, or driving to a party, spending what is really the same amount of time with a LDR CAN appear like favoritism to real life partners when it isn’t. For this, I’d recommend they be included in the above planning process, too.

Have Your Own Life
Make friends. Go to events. Get out. Do things. Stay busy – it will keep you distracted, and it will keep your talks with your partner interesting.

Talk
Whenever you can. Communicate about what you are doing, what you are feeling, what weird food you ate, what terrible thing your boss said. Email, call, write, whatsapp, Skype, snapchat… talk.

Document
Journal. Take photos. Tweet. You aren’t living lives in the same place, but you can still share them. This can be a part of your protocol or it can be something for yourself – while not all my journaling from my time abroad was shared with my Owner, it helped me to remember every cool little detail that happened when we did catch up.

Have Physical Reminders
While I would never recommend collaring before you are ready to do so, knowing I had my collar locked on was huge for me when I felt the weight of the distance. I know my Owner felt similarly about my blanket I left behind, which smelled like me. Pieces of clothing, things to hold on to and return, pictures. All important. Gifts from your separate locations can be great, too, but international mail screwed me over more than once in this regard, so go cheap.

How Can You Stay Kinky Long-Distance?

Focus
Whether or not you engage in protocol and play remotely (which I’ll talk about below), a big part of remembering the kink in your relationship is simply remembering it. Whether this is an actual meditation mantra, as mine was, or just some focused thinking every day about your role, taking the time to focus on why you do what you do can sometimes be the push to continue.

Protocol
This can get tricky. If you’re someone like me who has a lot of protocol in their life, suddenly not having it in an LDR can be jarring and even fatal to the dynamic. As with any protocol, what’s most important is the significance behind it. Some of these can be daily reminders of the overall dynamic, ways to stay connected. Some can be assigned to things that are important to you in your real-time relationship. While I won’t give you all of mine, here are some things we did:

Every day, while drinking my coffee, I would be kneeling. The photo of this would be sent to my Owner each night. This helped me to think about my place at the start and end of every day, and the nightly email gave me time to say anything I hadn’t had a chance to while He was awake (we were on a 7-hour time difference.)
My cooking for Him is a huge part of our service dynamic, as is my taking care of my body and health. To acknowledge this, I wore my plug every time I cooked to represent my role in doing so.
I kept ‘Property’ in His handwriting copied on my body at all times. This meant that any time I was naked, I was reminded of my identity. I also really liked that He’d taken the time to send it to me (in several different handwritings, so that I could choose!)

Play
Time to get down with some mutual masturbation (and by the way, a good place to implement some protocol, too). Not for you, or impossible? Dirty chat can be just as fun. Dirty snailmail can be even better. Some people do pain play or operate toys long-distance; I did not, so I can’t speak on that. What we did DID was a lot of emotional/fear-based play and some DDlg time over the phone or Skype. If you’re comfortable with it, take photos or videos to instruction. In one relationship, we kept our kink alive by maintaining a private Tumblr together with pictures of things we wanted to try. In another, we wrote stories back and forth on a GoogleDoc. Include negotiations for this kind of thing in your planning, if you can or if you need. Otherwise, have some fun exploring the mental and visual parts of your sex drive.

Aftercare
If you are doing the above – especially if you’re working with degradation and fear, as we were – this can be the hardest part. Getting off the phone can be a harsh reminder that you aren’t actually together, and time differences don’t make it any easier. Until you know if you need it, plan to do your play earlier in your “date” time so that you can watch a movie or talk after. What was most important for me was making sure that I didn’t encounter the things that would be hard to handle without Him after we did this. As I’m a little, I kept some fun flash game links for this part, avoided social media or anywhere I could encounter the news, and got an early bedtime.

Fantasize
Together. Separately. Share. You have a unique opportunity in an LDR to do a lot of thinking, a lot of questioning, and a lot of talking. An entirely new dynamic (DD/lg) developed for us while long distance. It gave us the time to say “I think _______ is really hot” and “Could this work here?” before we ever encountered it in real-time. Because of all this discussion, we fell into it immediately and with no problems upon my return home, and it remains a daily part of our relationship.

When You’re Struggling with Being Apart from Your Dominant (or Submissive!)

Forgive Yourself
When you miss the only phone call for three months. When you don’t have good sex the last time you see each other. When you aren’t there for a tragedy in their life. When your bad internet causes a miscommunication that creates a huge fight. Forgive yourself for not being there – life happens, and it isn’t your fault, and most likely, your partner knows this.

Understand
With all your planning and prioritizing, sometimes, real-life things come up. Be they work events, other partners, or a party you wish you could go to, understand that you can’t be included in everything, and look forward to sharing the stories the next time you talk.

If The Worst Should Happen
Sometimes you can predict something may go wrong. Sometimes, you can’t. As much as you can, plan for this. I had a relationship I knew was ending where we specifically decided beforehand that any break-up would be left to happen in person. I had one where we decided the opposite so that nobody wasted their gas money. For what you can’t plan for? Talk. Take time to yourself to figure out what you need. Ask for what you need. Talk. In my case, when we encountered a problem, I doubled-down. I needed to be reminded of what was good about our relationship, and I asked for more protocol. For others, this may be removing the kink from your relationship to figure it out, or imposing different poly rules. If you haven’t planned to wait, don’t wait. Talk. Immediately. Often. Talk.

Coming Home
No matter how exciting the initial moments will seem, every LDR I know has had one or both partners having issues within a few weeks of returning to real-time. There are adjustments to be made. You may feel you’re talking less. Your lives will have changed considerably. Cherish that first kiss, and then be prepared to do some work to get into a new routine. Things will be different. It will not immediately be wonderful.

But it will be wonderful, at times. And it will be confusing. And it will be different. And it will suck. And I don’t know for sure, but hopefully, it will be worth it.

It was for me.

Today, my 75-minute drive to my Owner’s seems short, and I will to the best of my ability refuse to ever be long-distance again. But I’ve done it. I know the beast. I could handle it.

So here’s to finally having as much experience with real relationships as I do with LDRs. Here’s to never doing it again. And here’s to knowing that if by some great unfortune we do have to, we’ll be prepared.

—
An update, 2.5 years away from any sort of LDR at time of posting this to my website: I want you to know that you forget the rough parts. You forget how hard it was. How bad it was. The Love pulls through. It was all so worth it. It will all be okay. You will be okay.

Want to join in on the conversation? You can do so in the comments of the original writing on Fetlife here.