CONTENTS:
START HERE: Unhealthy vs Healthy TPE: Context and Definitions
Part II: What makes for a healthy/unhealthy TPE (according to me and others)
Part III: Questions to ask yourself to tell if *your* dark dynamic or TPE is unhealthy or not
Part IV: You know someone whose dynamic seems unhealthy, or yours is and you want to stay. Now what?
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If you’re here, you probably have read the list of elements commonly named as differing in unhealthy vs healthy TPE (total power exchange). (If you haven’t, go read that first.) Still, particularly in “dark dynamics” where the s-type is very intentionally entering into and desiring something that may have heavy emotional S/m, CNC, mimicking of abuse cycles, or other similar elements, it is especially difficult to tell when you have crossed the line into something that is actually abusive. In the answers I used to compile that first post, several mentioned how difficult it can be to see from inside the dynamic. They mentioned what one of my three big answers (or rather questions) to the title question here: how you can tell if you’re in an unhealthy or abusive dynamic isn’t necessarily how the relationship is going. It’s how it affects everything else.
How is the dynamic affecting your life?
@jessie suggested considering if someone is “thriving” to evaluate this, though @SillyHilly pointed out that in dark dynamics, one may not want to feel that they are thriving all the time. Still, it’s a question worth asking yourself along with if that’s what you want.
Those I spoke with mentioned changes in sleeping patterns, in how much you enjoy solo activities that you used to, in performance at work, in ability to stay connected to old friends and family. This, like everything else here, is tricky — I can imagine scenarios for every one of these where, on a short-term basis, changing this in a dark dynamic could be consensual and hot. My key is intentionality. If it is not the intention to do these because it is *desired*, and they are affected… that’s a big red flag. And let me note that this goes for tops too, particularly if more is placed in their laps than they can handle.
@just_heather said:
When BDSM is healthy, I feel empowered, stronger, fierce AF, and generally thrive in my life. When BDSM is not healthy for me, I feel more insecure, I neglect my self-care, I may isolate due to depression, or not exercise/eat healthy, etc. I know some people might give me shit about this due to placing too much pressure on the dominant regarding the submissive’s mental, emotional, physical well-being but if the dynamic is TPE/CNC including ESM this is everything for my life.
Is this a dynamic you defend, or are you a proactive clean-up crew?
I once read a writing from someone who managed to leave an abusive relationship about how they often felt part of a “clean-up crew.” (If you know who wrote this, let me know so I can give credit!) They went in when things happened with their partner that might cause a public shitstorm and through their writings, pictures, and the like, subverted it. I recognized my former self in it immediately–and parts of what was my self at the time, too. I see it now in others all the time.
Now, when you’re in a dark dynamic, or if you engage in edge play, or any number of things, people will sometimes make insensitive and rude comments that make you feel the need to defend yourself, your partner, or your relationship to them. I don’t see anything wrong with that. The difference is this: when things were unhealthy, with *both* T and AA, I felt like I needed to come forward and justify things I knew would ruffle feathers before any pitchforks came. I wasn’t asked to by either. I didn’t need to be. It isn’t the *fact* I was the clean-up crew that was unhealthy. I just knew, when they did some things, that I should do this “service”–not for me, but for them.
What I should have seen is that by the very fact that there were times I felt I needed to do that, some part of me knew that things that were happening needed to be justified. This is certainly a potential red flag.
Yes, Loving someone makes you not want to see them attacked for something they shouldn’t be. But their own behaviors will speak to that. And if you are ever finding yourself pre-emptively thinking how you will explain something they have done… that’s worth asking yourself about.
Are you open to bringing up the things that are unhealthy and how they might be fixed?
You’ll note that I didn’t mention what the response is here. This is a question about willingness to have those discussions.
@owlfinch said:
More practically speaking, the only difference between dark TPE dynamics and abuse is consent. The corollary to this is that both parties should feel like they have the ability to negotiate for a change in the shape of the relationship without fear of harm. And I think “feel” is a super key term here. If either party feels unsafe about bringing up issues in the dynamic, oops you done an abuse.
@Darren_Campbell** said:
I think the hallmark of any good relationship is “I feel safe to share my fears and concerns with you, especially the ones that will be hard for you to hear”. The more extreme the risk profile of the relationship is and the higher the stakes are, the more this becomes an issue if that safety isn’t there.
The response matters too, of course. But it’s so easy to tell ourselves nothing goes unseen by our domlier and wiser partners and they must have a grand plan and it will adjust with time and in all these ways, to never bring it up and avoid the issue. Let me tell you this much: any partner worth their salt will be able to at the *very* least explain why they disagree, calmly and in a way that doesn’t harm you. If you do not feel sure they can’t, ask yourself what makes you sure they won’t harm you in other ways at other times.
While some things are unequivocally non-debatably abusive, such as intentional consent violations, I’m not saying that if one person is unhappy with a structure, the relationship should autoshift to how THEY want, **or** that someone should go along with someone else’s desire to do something when they know they want the opposite. I know this is complicated. My point here is that in healthy dynamics, the structure has been mutually agreed upon—up to and including “we mutually agree all calls on this are this person’s.” Likewise, if anyone has any shifts in needs, all are made aware as soon as that person is sure of it. It is truly a deep sign of respect for you to say “I have determined I need [this]” and then trust that if all parties don’t feel able to do that, it will be in everyone’s best interest to step away.
Do you have a support system? Do you see their concern as caring or threatening?
In collecting answers for these writings, @mondkatze said:
It was the realization that this was steadily deteriorating me as an entity (mostly through uncontrolled emotional violence outside of specific episodes) that made me realize it was toxic and needed to end (therapy and friends really helped with getting an outside baseline on this–it’s really hard when you’re inside of a dynamic to figure out what’s up and what’s down).
If you can’t put together one or two people who can monitor the situation, then you don’t have the experience or support network to do something this intense, and should start with more constrained expressions of D/s.
Support is important for way more reasons than determining whether or not something is toxic. They’re people who you can share joys with and who you can go to in times of drop or low confidence. They’re people who you can gush with about great scenes. They’re people who care about you and want to see you happy.
In one of the answers quoted in the prior writing, a dear friend of mine mentions how in her abusive dynamic, there was an ever-growing list of “people we shouldn’t trust.” (I was one of them. This wasn’t solely because I was publicly excited about and knowledgeable around the darker forms of play they engaged in, but it definitely wasn’t NOT a part of that.) And sure, there are absolutely people that are not trustworthy with your relationships. Some people out there will actively undermine your happiness for any of a myriad of reasons. That’s true. But you’re an individual, so if someone tells you “we” shouldn’t trust someone… Ask yourself: are those people ones who you’d previously called friends? What makes you not want to anymore? Did their behaviors change somehow? Would these behaviors have been things you *independently* drew away from, if a partner didn’t tell you to?
This one is *tough,* because it absolutely hurts if loved ones judge us or the people we Love. It can seem like a personal affront. But it’s important. It’s important to have people that care about you and are concerned about you, even if that concern is misguided. It’s especially important with dark dynamics. If someone tells you “don’t ask people about this, because they don’t understand us and why we do what we do,” I assure you. There are plenty of us who understand it and more. And honestly, your partner should want you to have an external support system for their safety too. A good friend or ally can call you out on the things you do that sabotage your relationship.
And if that concern *is* misguided? Please don’t let that be a reason to cut them off. Good friends don’t judge by association, either, so if the concern isn’t about you, it isn’t about you, beyond the fact that they care about your safety. If there’s really nothing unhealthy going on, over time, your partner will be able to redeem themselves in the eyes of your friend as your friend sees that you are not negatively affected by this situation. If you don’t trust that that will happen, you *definitely* have something to consider. It’s up to you if it’s about not believing your partner will impact your life in positive ways, or your friend being closed off to the idea of being wrong about someone.
Support may also look like supporting yourself through ongoing kink education. AA didn’t understand the desire to educate myself and involve myself in community. As a submissive, as a bottom, why would I have any need? I needed to trust that he was educating himself. He was the one who was acting upon me, and so only he needed to know anything about anything.
If it is not obvious, this is incredibly untrue. And in fact, a top may be thoroughly educated about a kink, but that does not mean a bottom shouldn’t educate themselves too–this is the only way they can ever *know* they are risk aware. This is why I value being empowered over simply informed. You can’t *give* someone informed consent, not fully. They cannot verify they really are informed without also informing themselves, with consideration to their own mind, body, and needs.
So then what?
Beyond these questions? Well, my answer is imperfect. I know that. But it is the only real one I have.
I don’t know other people’s brains, so I can’t say if this will be for you how it is for me. But I have known, somewhere inside myself, every time I have allowed myself to be mistreated. If you find yourself making excuses for why they are doing that to you, if you find yourself searching for things you did that justified it, if you catch yourself asking questions like are presented in these writings and then turning the volume down on those thoughts before you can answer–I want you to pay attention to those moments. I want you to turn that volume back up and ask if you are being listened and responded to. I want you to ask if you feel free to communicate authentically with your partner at all.
And if the answers are no, I want you to message me, when you’re ready. These posts are a novella as they are, and I don’t know if I will have answers or that you even have questions. But at the very least, I’d like to be someone who you know is listening.
Go on to the last part of this series by clicking here.
Should you want to join in on the conversation in the comments of my writings, you can find the original Fetlife post of this one here.