I mentioned something on a status last Friday about submissive-initiated protocol, and was asked if I could speak a little bit more about it. It seems fitting to offer it this week, when I’ve seen several different pieces up about protocol and rule creation and their importance in a relationship.
I have mixed feelings on that myself. While we have always had a few rituals and protocols, my TPE would work just fine if the only rule my Owner had ever given me was “Obey.” I don’t believe that a laundry-list of rules and protocol make for a good D/s relationship, or that it’s even realistic. But I do *like* protocol, and there are times I’ve found myself craving more.
Despite the dour/strict way my relationship can appear to those who don’t know us, many of the things we do were first suggested by me (often to the joyful detriment of my physical well-being.) I don’t have a codified way of doing this, but I do have a few thoughts on what’s worked and why. As with any other writing of mine (or at all,) this is non-exhaustive and non-universal. I speak only to and from my own experience. Finally, I’ll note that while “rules” and “protocol” mean different things to different people and are not always overlapping categories, I’m using them as such here.
1. Make sure your D-type is already oriented towards protocol.
Okay, so that’s very unhelpful. But if you’re somebody who wants protocol and your D-type just isn’t into it, then you have an incompatibility (and you either accept that, find a compromise, or move on.) Not all D/s dynamics include protocols and rules, and therefore, not all D or s-types will be interested in them. There’s no way to suddenly make a partner who isn’t into the idea of setting, keeping, and following through with rules and rituals excited about that sort of lifestyle. The fact of the matter is this stuff is hard, and it requires an amount of attention and investment from the D-type which can’t/shouldn’t be forced. This guide is really for folks already doing some amount of protocol who for some reason want more.
2. Consider if it’s the right time to add more protocol.
Are you already being obedient regarding what you have in place?
If not, stop. Do not pass go. Work on that. Figure out why that current protocol isn’t a good fit for you, or do what’s needed to implement it into your life successfully. You’re making extra work for a partner who presumably is already trying to work on things like training and consequences, and you’re demonstrating that it isn’t that important to you. Why would they want to have even more to watch you not follow? It doesn’t make sense if something is already failing to add more to potentially fail at.
(Note, I’m not a brat and the brat dynamic isn’t one I understand. It’s a valid dynamic, and maybe there’s a way for people not following current protocol to successfully add more—but I’m not the person to write that.)
What does protocol mean to you, and why do you want more of it?
This need be thought of more in-depth than “it’s hot” or “I enjoy the dominance of it” etc. I think often these answers might come out to be “because I need a concrete way to know I’m fulfilling what my D-type wants from me,” and when that’s broken down, the issue really isn’t needing more protocol at all. In that case, it’s either “my current guidelines aren’t concrete enough” or “I don’t believe that my partner is asking for everything they want from me” or, most likely, “I’m not currently receiving the acknowledgement I need that I’m doing a good job.” More protocol isn’t going to fix these issues. In fact, it may even make them worse; there’ll just be *even more* opportunity for you to feel unsure/untrusting/unappreciated.
So what *are* good reasons for s-initiated protocol?
Any reason that is about serving you, the s-type, yourself. I know that may seem backwards to some. It doesn’t mean that it can’t also serve or please your D-type (it probably *should* at least please them!), but if you’re trying to set up protocol *exclusively* for someone else’s benefit, you are implying that you know both what their needs are and how to best fill them better than they do. You’re also—as previously mentioned—making more work for them, and ultimately you’re setting yourself up for failure when the results invariably are dissatisfactory to one or all of you. (Obviously, this does not apply if the D-type has asked you to figure out a solution to x problem and that’s the reason you’re reading this.)
Examples of reasons for protocol that are for the s-type or for both parties might include things such as:
- More opportunities throughout the day to be reminded of roles (though one might consider first why the current ones aren’t enough)
- Personal accountability with personal goals or potential relationship flaws
- Lack of sexual or romantic fulfillment
- A structural fix to a communication problem
3. Bring up the why, what, and/or how of the protocol itself, asking for help/input on what you can.
This is going to depend on your relationship, the situation, your various communication styles, etc. I’m going to give you a few case studies from my life of four different ways this could go. I’ll start with the reason, then tell you how the problems were communicated and the protocol was implemented. I’ll break it down more after.
Reason one: I wanted the safety of Him knowing where I was; I had a tendency to self-sabotage relationships, and I knew I didn’t want to do that here.
This one was simple. I felt unsafe at a modeling job, and afterward decided I wanted my Owner to have a way to track me at them. We’d discussed finding that hot before, and I told Him I wouldn’t mind if there were some way for Him to *always* know where I was so that He could always find me. He researched apps He could install on my phone to make this happen, and installed one until it no longer served us.
Reason two: We both needed to feel more connected to our roles.
When I lived overseas, we hit a road-bump. In response, I considered what I needed to still feel secure in our relationship, and that was to feel owned (some folks might respond to issues by withdrawing the dynamic, which is also valid—just not my choice.) Though my collar was locked on me, I needed an active way of expressing my submission when I couldn’t directly serve Him. I told Him as such, in language along the lines of “I would like more protocol for while I’m gone to remind me I belong to You.” He emailed me the next day with five new rules that would require photographic evidence.
Reason three: I wanted to play/fuck more, but we weren’t because He was having a hard time determining when I was capable of it.
Those two reasons came out simultaneously during a conversation about how my chronic illness has affected my life. When these things came up, I responded first by suggesting that we try the “maintenance spankings” idea. This didn’t fit His personal style, but he suggested I tell Him where I’m at every day so that He could know when I was “up for it,” so to speak. I now always text Him on my way home for the day to let Him know the state of my body/mind, or—if at home—am communicative about pain levels throughout the day.
Reason four: I was struggling with productivity in one of my personal pursuits.
I complained one day about not being able to complete as much as I wanted on a project. He responded saying He wished there were some way He could hold me accountable. I knew the best way would be via monitoring what windows were up on my computer, and so I researched how to do that. Once I came up with the best way, I asked Him for what he thought a reasonable daily goal would be, time-wise. Now He gets an auto-generated nightly report on how I spent my time, and I aim for the goal He set for me.
Notes on the above:
You’ll see there are a few approaches here for each of those items.
1) I explained what I wanted and why. He researched and found the best way how to implement it.
2) I gave a reason of *why* I wanted more protocol; He figured out the what and how I would be accountable.
3) The why was determined by us both during a relationship check-in. I gave one possible what which didn’t fit Him, and then He gave a second what. I figured out how best to do it.
4) I had my own reason why I wanted to be accountable to Him, and figured out how to measure this, but asked for His input on what the specific goal would be so that it placed Him and His vision of what I should be back in control.
4. Follow through/develop these in such a way that they’re self-punishing.
Since these are things I’ve asked for above and beyond His own plans for our relationship, I can’t be upset if He forgets to hold me accountable, at least at first. It would be very easy to do this—and after a certain point, I certainly am not interested in a rule or protocol if He isn’t as committed to it as I am—but until it’s really a part of our routine, I need to continue to personally take the initiative that I did in asking for the rule/protocol. We’re currently in the first week of example four. I’ve sent Him my report every night or explained why I couldn’t, but He’s only reminded me to do so once. That’s okay. I never asked Him to help me share what I was doing, only to help me shape it.
This somewhat goes along with the “only do this if you’re already obedient” thing. It isn’t fair for me to create something that’s ultimately going to cause Him to need to monitor and punish me all the time. The truth is I haven’t needed a punishment for 3+ years, though I’ve no doubt He wouldn’t hesitate were discipline warranted. That said, these protocols work in that they are either unavoidable—the tracking, for instance—or that they are inherently punishing if I don’t follow through, since they’re responsive to *my* needs and desires (see the last section on point 2.) If I can’t be relied on to tell Him where my pain level is, He can’t fuck me. That’s its own punishment.
Endnote: “but isn’t this topping from the bottom?”
IDK. Is it? That really depends on your relationship. Different people do things different ways, and it might be worth asking your D-type if they’re okay with you proposing ideas for protocol before you try it. (That said, I didn’t—and I think there’s always something good that can come out of sharing things you think you’d find hot/romantic/beneficial.) At the very least, I’d say there’s nothing that’s topping from the bottom about sharing *why* you think you need more protocol.
But to me, no, not at all—because it wouldn’t work if my D-type weren’t on top. This works because He’s the dominant one and because of the respect and trust I have surrounding His dominance. If those things weren’t there, it wouldn’t matter that I wanted to implement accountability measures, because why would I care about holding myself accountable to someone I didn’t respect? Why would I want to codify a way to tell Him He could fuck me if we didn’t have the sort of relationship where some days He can just… decide to fuck me? I’m figuring out the details here, but they work because He’s dominant. In the situations where the protocol I’ve suggested hasn’t been to His taste, He’s said so, and we don’t do them.
So that’s my little write-up on s-type-directed protocol. Even in a long-term, TPE relationship, there’s no reason you can’t take charge of your own satisfaction. It won’t be a fit for all people or dynamics, but for those whom this would work for, I think you can only grow from trying it.
What do you think? What are you wondering? Have you done something similar, and has it been successful? Join in on the conversation in this writing’s comments on Fetlife by clicking here.