Nearly every time I put out a call for topics related to CNC, these days, someone asks that I cover how to keep traumatic play from becoming long-term trauma, a response that can easily harm individual ability to thrive in daily life, both kinky and vanilla.
I get why. The majority of the attention in educational spheres here is often paid to the technical skills, emotional dynamics, and negotiation and communication elements of play — I, too, focus on these most when I teach CNC; the class itself is called “Negotiation and Communication for CNC.” Conversations about aftercare happen, but they often revolve around providing first aid and what helps guide the bottom and top alike to a soft landing. Personally, I’ll often mention that aftercare needs can look different for different people, that some like the cozy “build back up” style of aftercare and that for others, like myself, this feels like invalidating the more intense play, and I’ll recommend negotiating aftercare ahead of time (including a plan for unintentional consent violations) so that both bottoms and tops can ensure their needs will be met.
But evidence-based practices need not just be kept to in-scene psychology, and the development of skills can extend to that too. I believe that skillful, intentional aftercare should be an integral part of any scene, particularly for those of us who intentionally mess with potentially-traumatic kinds of play. What you might not know is that there’s actually a science to optimizing aftercare based on how human nervous systems respond to and recover from high-intensity experiences. I started diving into this research in preparation for the fear class I did a little bit ago, and from this, I’ve translated some of the best practices for keeping crises from becoming long-term trauma into a framework of aftercare for potentially-traumatic play.
Before I get into it, I want to acknowledge that some may have clicked on this wondering why the hell people would ever play in a way that can traumatize them. This isn’t just for play that dances around trauma intentionally, for whom playing might be a transformative catharsis, an exploration of more intense power dynamics, or a way to come into contact with a broader spectrum of human experience — a safeword can go unheard in a loud space, an unexpected fear response can lead to a freeze response for a usually communicative bottom, the wrong song can come on in the public dungeon and trigger someone playing in some specific way. (The couple I know most negatively impacted by trauma created by play was doing a relatively “tame” degradation and impact scene and things just fell into place in a way that did harm.) Not everyone desires to engage in play that edges into the psychologically intense or potentially traumatic, and that’s a perfectly valid choice.
It’s also important I say that this framework is NOT a guarantee of staving off long-term trauma. I strongly believe there is no BDSM that can be made 100% safe, and my goal is only to give ways to make it safe-R. But if you are a bottom or top considering exploring more intense edgeplay, or if you want to have something in place just in case lighter play does take an unexpected turn, this is a research-based aftercare plan that is still flexible for individuals that may contribute to recovery.
So what does the science say about the most effective elements of aftercare? Though I looked at a pretty large handful of research in preparation for the fearplay class I did a few weeks back, I find the most useful framework to be from a paper published in the academic journal Psychiatry in which researchers Hobfoll et al. analyze the empirical literature on helping people recover from extreme stress. Though engaging in CNC or any kind of recreational fear is clearly VERY different than living through a true crisis, they identify five key principles that can translate into how we plan for aftercare: promoting a sense of 1) safety, 2) calming, 3) a sense of self- and collective efficacy, 4) connectedness, and 5) hope. I’ll break those down one-by-one along with some examples of how this might apply. All quotations unless otherwise cited are from that paper mentioned, which is listed fully at the end of the writing. All emphasis of parts of said quotations via bolding is my own.
1. Promoting a sense of safety
After a scene that evokes helplessness, terror, or loss of control, the first and most important need is often to reestablish a sense of safety. Trauma memories, Hobfoll et al. note, “often subjectively feel as if they are happening ‘right now'” and if “safety is not restored, reminders will be omnipresent and contribute to an ongoing sense of exaggerated threat, preventing a return to a psychological sense of safety.” Though someone may *think* they want the psychological soothing of intimacy and connection first, taking care of the immediate first aid needs first matters both as far as the health and safety in the current moment and the bottom being able to subconsciously trust their safety needs will be taken care of in the *future.* This helps avoid a stall in the crisis mode of experiencing something “traumatic.” Hydration and replenishing nourishment like healthy salts and sugars belongs here too.
Safety does also mean a “felt” sense of safety, and this might be in the form of reducing associations of the details of the scene environment with the scene itself — because “once a context or a situation has been perceived as threatening, neutral or ambiguous stimuli are more likely to be interpreted as dangerous.” Reconfirming the neutrality of said stimuli might mean spending some time with each other afterward in the same space without it being energized in the same way, removing any toys that someone is afraid of from sight, or playing the same music in a more neutral setting to “de-charge” it. Importantly, the authors also note that “Safety, by extension, involves safety from bad news, rumors, and other interpersonal factors that increase threat perception.” This confirmed for me something that entered into my preparing-for-after-before procedures long ago: I go onto my social medias and block words associated with certain kinds of news from coming up on my feed, if not use an app to block the social media entirely, and I provide reasons I cannot be contacted for a few days to family members who are more likely to cause interpersonal angst.
Other things that might fall under this category, depending on the players’ individual preferences, include:
– Changes in lighting
– Verbal reassurance that the scene is over
– A more neutral, quiet space for one or more parties to collect themselves
– The top maintaining a calm but dominant presence
– Minimal talking and a focus on stabilizing breathing
– Direct, simple praise for facing the challenges of the scene
In either case, communicate clearly in advance about what will help you feel most secure and safe. On one’s own, reminders can be set to ensure one is taking one’s meds/eating/hydrating/sleeping, first aid kits can be used, and CBT techniques can be utilized to reconfirm the facts of one’s safety and consent.
2. Promoting calming
Intense CNC and adjacent play tend to activate a powerful sympathetic nervous system response. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline flood the body, leading to shaking, racing heartbeat, hypervigilance, emotional lability, or a feeling of being “revved up.” This category covers things that help the body and mind transition out of that agitated state and return to calm. Hobfoll et al. write:
Some anxiety is a normal and healthy response required for vigilance. Hence, there is no reason to be alarmed at somewhat heightened levels of arousal or, paradoxically, numbing responses that provide some needed psychological insulation during the initial period of responding (Breznitz, 1983; Bryant, Harvey, Guthrie, & Moulds, 2003). The question is whether such arousal or numbing increases and remains at such a level as to interfere with sleep, eating, hydration, decision making, and performance of life tasks. Such disruptions of necessary tasks and normal life rhythms are not only impairing, but potential precipitants of incapacitating anxiety that may lead to anxiety disorders.
Research-based techniques to promote calming that could be used in aftercare might include:
– Slow, deep breathing
– Guided relaxation or meditation exercises
– Soothing music or nature sounds
– Weighted blankets — a sense of “gravity” is demonstrably helpful with acute anxiety
– Grounding mindfulness techniques, such as literally noticing contact points with the ground (not to be confused with “earthing,” which may be individually helpful for personal reasons but lacks any science-based evidence)
– Rest
Things that individuals know calm them *personally* do matter, as does a de-escalation of anything anxiety-provoking about the scene. For example, though I do not always want my Owner to suddenly become ultra-cuddly and “romantic” unless this is His topcare need or desire, as this makes me *personally* feel as if the scene was “for me” which is NOT what I want, the onslaught of the many ways He might assert His ownership over me may decrease or slow a bit at this time.
This is also where they discuss psychological debriefing, something which is helpful for some bottoms and tops after intense scenes but not for everyone. In fact, there’s some amount of evidence that requiring a verbal debrief in the immediate aftermath of traumatic experience can *increase* arousal at the time where calm is most needed, exacerbating the stress reactions and leading to increased chances of chronic traumatic reaction. It may be worthwhile to wait a day or two after the scene before a debrief session with your partner(s). At the same time, normalizing and validating an experience — yes, anyone going through that would feel anxious; yes, it’s natural to be agitated right now and you are not crazy for feeling that way — falls into evidence-backed methods of calming as well.
Finally, the researchers do note a few other methods of calming that may be counter-productive. The examples from their work are that while the use of alcohol or benzodiazepines (outside of the way in which they are prescribed) may be calming in the moment, utilizing these things in the immediate aftermath of acute trauma has been shown to increase the likelihood of PTSD in the long-term.
3. Promoting a sense of self- and collective efficacy
Bottoms who are drawn to CNC or other intense psychological play often describe a sense of being dramatically “unmade” or destabilized by the experience. For some of us, this is even what we WANT from our play. But a scene that challenges resilience or sense of self can temporarily disrupt feelings of autonomy and capability in a way that can lead to more chronic detrimental results. Effective aftercare ought to help one reconnect to agency, power and self-worth while also letting them feel held in a web of supportive and effective community. And this is where I also might expect there to be some amount of pushback, because some people do prefer their aftercare environment to be one in which the bottom is fully “taken care of” by the other… but in reality, ensuring that everyone does at least one small thing *for themselves* to underscore self-efficacy can be part of the recovery process.
In this case, self-efficacy is defined as “the sense that individual’s belief that his actions are likely to lead to generally positive outcomes, principally through self-regulation of thought, emotions, and behavior” and collective efficacy is “the sense that one belongs to a group that is likely to experience positive outcomes.”
Ways to promote self-efficacy in aftercare might include:
– Offering specific, authentic praise for anything that has been overcome, and–perhaps more importantly–the way communication and coping skills were used during the scene, helping the other party recognize how they demonstrated said skills if needed
– Encouraging them to ask for what they need (and I assure you, this can be done in both a warm-and-fuzzy and very NOT warm-and-fuzzy sort of way depending on preference)
– Reminders that struggling at times doesn’t mean “failure”
– Asking questions about things the other party is passionate about and an expert in in such a way that allows them to ground themselves in their own self-knowledge
– If in a power exchange, commanding the bottom do certain tasks for themselves that the top knows them to be capable of
Collective efficacy can be reinforced by:
– Highlighting investment in the other party’s care and wellbeing beyond the scene
– Spending low-key vanilla time together doing something productive (even if just cleaning up the playroom together!)
– Checking in with a pre-arranged emergency contact to confirm all is well
– Expressions of commitment to mutual growth and learning
Either party can also actively support their own “efficacy mindset” by planning confidence-boosting affirmations to recite, making a list of their strengths to review after challenging scenes, or scheduling activities that reinforce their competence and agency in the days following intense play.
4. Promoting connectedness
Hobfoll et al. observe that those who lack strong social support, who are likely to be more socially isolated, or whose support system might provide undermining messages are especially vulnerable after a major stress experience. Humans have a deep-rooted need to feel securely bonded and valued by others, and skillful aftercare draws on the power of healthy attachment to soothe raw nervous systems and remind one of belonging.
Depending on preferences, promoting connectedness in aftercare *could* involve activities such as:
– Sitting quietly together without pressure for anything in particular (including conversation)
– Cuddling, holding and physical affection
– Softly spoken words of appreciation, reassurance and care
– Choosing a funny or engaging show to watch together
– Reminders of all the people in one’s life who love and value them
– Inviting each other to share what’s being felt while listening actively
– Leaning on other friends/partners or similarly-inclined people for support
…and that last one is where I consider myself *so* lucky to be in THREE Discord servers of edgeplay-inclined people who I know I can go to who will help me feel valid and comfortable in my desires, who I know will not shame me if something hasn’t gone as I’d hoped in-scene — if you play with riskier and “edgier” elements, I HIGHLY recommend finding a group of kinksters you align with in this way to share with first before sharing with the general Fetlife public who can sometimes be quite cruel.
Separately from one’s play partner, someone might promote their own sense of connectedness by reaching out to other friends or partners for check-ins and TLC, spending time in favorite “third places,” connecting to communal spiritual/religious practices, or even just journaling about the supportive people and communities in their life.
5. Instilling hope
In the raw, tender state of aftercare, it’s important to orient toward positive expectancy for the future. This doesn’t mean minimizing or rushing your partner or yourself through any challenging emotions that are arising — it’s offering compassionate reassurance of possessing the strength and resources to metabolize this experience and use it for growth and/or providing something in the future to look forward to.
This is NOT the same thing as re-enforcing self-efficacy or self-agency, which is noted by this paper’s authors as an “expressly upper-middle class Western view” of hopefulness. There are ways that they find “hinging hope on an internal sense of agency alone” to be even riskier. Instead, benefit-finding and envisioning realistic ways that an experience could be made better in the future (even if the experience is already a good one!) are recommended as hope-building interventions. Sharing things that went poorly with a broader public in an educational “incident report” fashion, when one is ready, can even be interpreted psychologically as a form of problem-solving, the inherent possibilities of helping others to avoid the same outcome therefore providing this sense of hope as well.
Other potential strategies to instill hope in aftercare include:
– Reminders that intense feelings are normal and will shift in time
– Reframing the scene as a growth experience to be proud of
– Actively working to replace catastrophizing-based thinking with fact-based cognition
– Planning simple enjoyable activities to look forward to in the days ahead
– Committing to concrete forms of ongoing support and checking in
Alone, one can self-inspire hope by surrounding themselves with upbeat media (whatever that means to them), keeping a log of challenging experiences they’ve successfully navigated, helping someone else in need, or connecting with their core values and reasons for optimism.
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These five steps aren’t necessarily meant as a checklist where you choose one activity for each and boom, that’s aftercare. This should still be negotiated according to the preferences of all involved parties along with personal interpretations of what each of these items mean. I firmly believe that how aftercare is approached itself is something worth debriefing later on too, as it does impact how one might view play when they look back on it and how they approach similar play in the future.
Those who regularly engage in heavier psychological play may also wish to assess whether they need additional support in the form of a kink-aware therapist, a trusted and psychology-trained spiritual counselor, a somatic practitioner, or a support group. Having a more extensive “support team” on call can provide vital scaffolding for the deep work of integrating intense experiences.
Finally, I want to be sure to emphasize that I didn’t direct this writing just at bottoms, nor does it even have to be information you use for kink alone — *nor* does it have to be engaged in with partners who you did the play itself with. As some of you know, I am a writer and actor for intense immersive fear-based experiences outside of kink. A few weeks ago, I completed a scene in which I was playing a very physically abusive spouse in a way that was certainly having an effect on the members of our audience. I’d played this character before with no issue but that night, I was tired, I was stressed, and other things just aligned in such a way that I ended my evening on the floor sobbing.
My Owner, very much not an audience member here, came into the room after hearing me. He held me and reminded me I am not at all abusive, that I am not that character. He encouraged talking about what I was going through with the other writers/actors when I could. We left the space I was in to go watch something mindless and funny. I hydrated and ate things that upped my blood sugar. We talked about the things that would happen in the experience the next day that I was excited about and how much the audience must be loving getting what they paid for. And later, he asked me to explain what I had been learning about trauma responses and aftercare — and in discussing the very things I discuss here, we ended up checking the self-efficacy step off the list in the most meta of ways. So though I was really more on the top-side there (though these are not kink spaces) and my Owner was not connected, the same framework was applied and helpful to me in that moment.
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to anything in kink. There are, however, evidence-based “best practices” that can equip us for more enjoyable and sustainable outcomes. Both bottoms and tops who are drawn to explore the sharp edges of their psyche through CNC, fearplay, or really anything else deserve robust and intentional systems of aftercare to protect their wellbeing and growth.
If you’re interested in some of the best practices for other elements of communicating and negotiating for CNC — before, during, and after a scene and for both tops and bottoms — I hope you might consider joining me for my next virtual class on CNC, which you can sign up for my mailing list to hear about or find in the Teaching tab above, if one is currently scheduled.
Reference:
Hobfoll, S. E., Watson, P., Bell, C. C., Bryant, R. A., Brymer, M. J., Friedman, M. J., … & Ursano, R. J. (2007). Five essential elements of immediate and mid-term mass trauma intervention: Empirical evidence. Psychiatry: Interpersonal and Biological Processes, 70(4), 283-315.