This morning, a friend of mine got in touch about her fears over a first meeting. She told me that she would be going to his house after coffee to show her devotion and start her training, and wondered what that meant. I got worried. I got scared. I told her I thought that was moving too fast, and she told me something I fear many people in her position go through:
All I really wanted to do was meet for coffee and see if met at an intellectual level, ya know? I want someone that appeals to my intelligence and not just my sexual needs. […] Sometimes I feel like I have to just comply and can’t say what I really want to do or want to say. I’m so afraid of upsetting people.
We talked it out and she told him her fears, and he responded favorably. But as a passionate advocate of bottoming education and personal responsibility, it got me thinking about how we approach the beginning of a power exchange.
There are a million resources on figuring out what somebody else wants, and almost all of them come down to “talk to them.” But what about on the other side? What do we need to know about what we want?
Here’s what I came up with. The base-line, if you will:
What You Must Know About Yourself Before Pursuing a Power Exchange
What You’re Looking For
And I mean in the relationship, not the person. On some level, you have to know what you’re seeking. I think it’s helpful to approach this in terms of an objective – something that fills in the blank of “I want to __________.”
Examples: I want to…
- play a few times.
- submit platonically.
- have my knob slobbed on.
- fall in Love.
This can be varied and all answers are valid, but it can’t be “we’re just going to meet and see what happens.” Maybe you’re open to all but one of those. Maybe you want something else entirely. Maybe you know exactly what it looks like, or maybe you know exactly what it *doesn’t* look like.
You don’t have to ever say it to your potential partner, but knowing what it is will help you figure out the rest of these categories. That being said, saying it – which will often provoke a response of their objective – or straight out asking what they are seeking can often help you decide early on you are not a match. If you say “I’m seeking a partner for the long-term” and they’re just looking for a fling, getting that out of the way before either of you invest time can save a lot of trouble later.
What Your Needs Are
That is, what you need from a person who can fulfill that objective. Not your desires or interests or your needs from life, your absolute needs as to what a person with whom you can _________ will look like. These needs may well differ with different objectives, if you have more than one.
These need to be defined in *actions* and not identities. Saying you want somebody who is a male dominant is fine, but won’t help when what you’re actually looking for is a 24/7 rope sadist with a big muscles and a penis who wants to make you a better person and will hold your hand when crossing the street (the person, not the penis. Probably. I don’t know your life.)
They fill in the blank “I need a person who is able to…” and may include things such as
- allow me to explore with other partners
- share my religious beliefs and practices
- give me daily attention until all marks fade
- not contact me again after our encounter is over
- be mutually physically affectionate
- meet a certain physical requirement
- have no other emotional connections
- relocate to me
It is *your* responsibility to make sure that anything that is an absolute need is known. If the person you are seeking to enter a power exchange with cannot fill them, it is not a match – and this is okay. It is okay to be particular and to refuse to continue with someone who does not meet your needs, as long as you are honest. Vocalize your dealbreakers. Be picky. What is not okay is assuming that just because someone appears to fill your need that they always will. If you do not make your needs known, you cannot blame a person who stops meeting them.
What You Will Not Do On First Meeting
And this is where my conversation with my friend becomes very important. What does “come over to show devotion and start training” mean? If you aren’t ready to ask – or if you aren’t entirely trusting of the answer – you have to set ahead of time what your boundaries for *yourself* are. What you are not willing to do on the first meeting could include
- go home with them
- be alone
- meet their other partners
- put on a collar
- have intimate relations without permission from other partners
- have anal sex
and anything in between.
This is not negotiating for a scene, where many will tell you you should negotiate what you *will* do. Sometimes you know what’s on the table ahead of time, but moments can be intense, things can progress, and chemistry isn’t always easily predicted. That’s why you have to know where the boundaries are. What would you certainly regret after if your partner – or, more likely, you yourself – coerced you into doing?
Again, this isn’t something you *have* to communicate before said first meeting, but I think it’s helpful. A quick “hey, can’t wait to meet you! Just so you know, I’m not okay being alone the first time I meet someone” can a) give them the chance to determine you can’t meet their needs and stop, b) ensure they don’t take it as a personal reaction if they try later and you say no, and c) help *you* to hold yourself accountable for the decision you made.
What You Are Not Willing To Do, Ever*
Call these your power exchange hard limits. This is a way of determining if you can fit what the other person would put in their “What My Needs Are” list. These may include things such as
- have a relationship that doesn’t include sexual interaction
- have children
- live in a 24/7 lifestyle
- break up with my SO
- submit
*Okay, so maybe this isn’t as absolute. We have a joke around here about my hard limits list becoming a checklist, and there are things my relationship started with that would be on this list today. This happens. These things are very changeable and therefore shouldn’t necessarily be dealbreakers, but if you have “rape play” on your do-not-ever list and your potential partner has “bottom frequently for brutal consensual nonconsent scenes” on their what-I-need list, you may run into some trouble.
How You Will Keep Yourself Safe
So you’ve answered these questions. You think this person and you have objectives that can work together, that they may be able to fill your absolute needs. You have told them what you won’t do on your first meeting and you know what you won’t do ever, and you’re going to stick by these things. How do you make sure the start of your power exchange goes well? Here are a few things to consider.
- Are you in an emotional place in your life where you can handle it if things do not work out… or if they do?
- Have you communicated anything you need from them on first meeting to fill your objective, including anything from STD panels to partner permission?
- Can you provide your *own* birth control of choice if sex is on the table?
- Is your phone charged?
- Do you have any self-defense skills or tools you deem necessary? (Protip from the prozone: while you should always be able to protect yourself in whatever way feels most comfortable to you, if you’re going to meet somebody and are thinking “I need my knife, mace, and a review on pressure points to feel secure,” they may not be the right person to meet.)
- Do you have a safe call, a designated person who you will check in with with your location at a designated time, who knows steps to take if you do not do so?
And to my friends I’ll say now, if you have no one in your area, if you have nobody you trust not to judge you – reach out. I’ll be your safe call. Even if somebody seems like the height of morality, the first few times you’re with someone new, always do this. There is no good reason not to.
There’s a level of soul-searching that is constantly needed in D/s, in sex, and in dating in general. This, to me, is the level that needs to be reached before ever seeking to start a power exchange relationship. Of course, there are many things that will come later – negotiation of protocol, of interests, of the dynamic and how it will progress, of physical ability and health, and so on – but first, you have to seek to start. And before you do that, these are the things you should know.
Want to join in on the conversation about this writing in its comments on Fetlife? You can do so by clicking here.