There’s a lot of talk right now about bottoming skills, and one complaint I keep seeing is how much focus is given to “physical fitness” as the gold standard of bottoming: how much that contributes to Western stereotypes of beauty, how that rebels against things we now know about difficulties and dangers of weight loss, etc. I will admit, my own class on pain processing does have a section emphasizing that regular exercise may contribute to ability there, so in light of all the recent discussion, I’ve been doing some thinking on this—and I think the problem is not talking about fitness and bottoming, but the way in which we are doing it.
I do believe fitness can be a very important element in a bottoming toolbox, but I think we need to hold these conversations and mentions in classes to a higher standard. I want to address a few of the things I think we should focus on, and a few of the things we can do better at. After, I would love to hear some of your thoughts and additions, and am very open to hearing the ways in which what I’m saying may be problematic. I do want to note that am coming from the standpoint of someone who has the time and resources to focus on this, and that isn’t universal. On the other hand, I also have chronic pain and injuries (not to mention medical debt) now that—while I cannot confirm—may have had something to do with not thinking about any of this at the start of my kink journey, so I think it’s an important thing to prioritize when possible. But we should keep in mind that the ability to eat healthily and go to gyms or join fitness classes is means-dependent.
Finally, before I start, we all should ask if what I’m about to say is even important or relevant to being a bottom. No. It isn’t. I would love for us all to eliminate terms like good bottom, talented bottom, what makes a better bottom, etc. Bottoming means lots of things, and it may have nothing to do with endurance or ability. At the heart of what we do are people. If you are having the connective scenes you want and avoiding harm, who cares?
That said. If you are a person to whom those things matter, or who might be interested in becoming more in tune with your body, here are some of my thoughts.
What forms of exercise are even important?
Go on Pinterest and search fitness. You’ll find lots of better beach body formulas, tricks for eliminating hip dips (spoiler: would need to change your skeleton in most cases) and toning your inner thighs (spoiler: can’t do both that and get a big booty, friends. Quads are hot, yo.) Outside of frequently just being ineffective fitness programs, we need to be careful of not saying these visual elements are what make a “fit” bottom or assuming someone is one just because they fit that body type. Here are a few things I think “bottoming fitness” should really focus on:
Awareness and knowledge of proper form and muscle activation in exercise. General practice in intentional movements will help body awareness become second nature to you. It will help you to learn more about good pain vs bad pain and what you should and shouldn’t push through; it will help you notice if you are holding muscles tight as a stress reaction in a way that causes you unnecessary discomfort; it will help you know on a daily basis what muscles are working, which are connected, and how that might impact what you should and shouldn’t do that day. And of course generally help prevent injury, as well.
Endurance and breathing. Regular exercise, done correctly, should teach you to breathe in moments of stress and tension. It gets you used to holding a higher heart rate for longer, which I believe helps you to regulate your own fight/flight response and “last longer.” It may help you train yourself in “pushing through the pain.”
Strength training, particularly around joints. We bend over, kneel, and stretch our arms above us on a cross. We need to help the places we hinge hold strong for the things that we do—particularly the shoulders and hips, which have the highest mobility and lowest stability. Sure, many can do these things without ever having built up their muscle strength, but what happens when you’re fatigued? If you find yourself having to stop scenes because of general aches and pains, maybe this is part of the problem. What if you slip? What if something hits the wrong way at the wrong force? Strong muscles around joints act as shocks, making you less likely to dislocate something. And I hope that when it comes to rope or stress position play, why this is important goes without saying.
Stretching correctly. For both rope bottoms and others, stretching is really important to avoid strain, cramps, and injuries—but doing it too much or in the wrong ways can cause them. Learning to stretch (and I do mean learning) as a fitness activity will help you understand the way your body can, should, and shouldn’t move (particularly important for rope, wherein you may want to tell a top how far your leg can extend for a sustainable amount of time before they start cranking it up there). It’ll make for healthier joints, which is good for all the reasons mentioned above. It creates better stability, balance, and posture, and it’ll raise your energy and lower your tension levels—which may help prevent you from having to stop a scene due to holding your muscles too tight and having pains that are unrelated to your scene.
What can we do better at when discussing fitness and bottoming?
It should be obvious by now that I don’t think we should avoid saying exercise can help you as a bottom–but that doesn’t mean that we’re doing it correctly. It’s important to note, whether as an educator or simply talking to friends, what might do more harm than good. Here are a few things I want to see more when this topic comes up.
Not stating what fitness is or looks like. Anyone remember that awful article that specified that a good bottom could do like, this and that type of plank for this long, this number of pull-ups, etc? Nope. Different bodies need different things. Further, discourage using ‘fit’ as the antonym of ‘fat’. Weight has very little to do with fitness (particularly since muscle weighs more than fat). When you talk about “being fit” as a bottom, talk about the reasons for doing it: stamina, injury prevention, and body awareness. Sure, many of us work out for aesthetics, and that’s fine too, but there is no reason that needs to be relevant to your kink.
Teaching about actual stretching health at the myriads of bottom flexibility classes. It isn’t enough to just go and show a bunch of stretches that feel good to you. We need to teach the difference between static and dynamic stretching, and that static stretching should not be done as a warm-up if you have been inactive. We need to talk about the difference between stretching and limbering and teach people that they shouldn’t do flexibility work-outs that cause micro-tears right before their scene. We need to teach about end-range of motion, what affects what muscle group, and so on–not just what is flexy and pretty.
Being upfront about limitations in expertise. If you have not gone through yoga (or whatever it is you’re leading) teacher training, this needs to be made explicit, and you should not be offering people modifications for injuries and ability level. I’m not saying it isn’t okay to teach these things–but if you’re painting yourself as an authority of this sport/activity, people might come in expecting you can deal with their unique situation, and you can’t. You can not. If you haven’t studied something with an expert (reading a lot online doesn’t count), learning the way that bodies other than yours work, then just mention you’re speaking from your own experience and cannot to others. I’d even suggest going as far as to put a disclaimer that those with any injuries or limitations should speak to a doctor before doing x. (And on the flipside, at this point I’d just say you should never assume someone in the community teaching any form of physical activity has any formal training until told otherwise and need to take everything they say with a grain of salt (myself included.))
Talk about fitness for tops, too. Joint health is *very* important for tops in both impact and rigging, and bettering their body awareness skills and knowledge of muscle groups will help them to be safer with their bottoms (and meaner, if so inclined.) When we mention it in a class meant for both sides but direct it only towards the bottoms, we’re passively reinforcing the idea of “a good bottom is fit” as opposed to “fitness is important.”
Focusing on injury prevention over ability. There need to be more classes and mentions of fitness focusing on common injuries that could be preventable (dislocations, strains, to some extent falls). That’s infinitely more helpful to kink than how deep your backbend is (and should even help someone be safer in their backbend, if that’s something that’s important to them!)
Speaking in terms of risk awareness. Finally, we should approach this as a tool and not a necessity. There is nothing inherently wrong with frequently being tied or standing in tough positions or whatever with absolutely none of this as a part of your life. It may, however, be more of a risk. That’s how we should recommend fitness: this is something that might make you less likely to get injured in a scene and more able to recognize what is or is not going on with your body. If it’s not your jam, that’s cool, just know it’s something that could affect you.
In quick summary, fitness is important—for both tops and bottoms—particularly when it comes to preventing our bodies from cramping or becoming stiff, which might end a scene prematurely or even lead to injury. It also can help you become more in tune with your body and more aware of how things should feel. It should be brought up in bottoming classes and it should be taught—but with language that considers what we really mean when we say “fit,” with honesty as to our own experience and body-knowledge, and with a focus on the reasoning behind it.
Health looks like a lot of things. Physical fitness, whatever that means, is one of these things. It isn’t the only, and it isn’t a must–but I don’t think we are doing anyone a service by avoiding it completely.
If you are a top here, I encourage you to check out this Fetlife post on physical health for riggers.
If you know of other similar resources, let me know. I’d actively like to add more.
Interested in having more bottoming education in your area? Check out the List of Bottoming Classes and consider hiring one of these fine folks or suggesting your local event do so!
Many thanks to just_bird, a fabulous physio-in-training who helped me fact-check and add a few things to this. If you want to join in on the conversation in the comments on Fetlife, you can do so by clicking here.