I want to start off by saying I feel HEAVILY disqualified to write this. I am naturally codependent. That’s maybe why I’m writing it. The other day, I re-read something I had on this and got really depressed because oh hey, I’d fallen into a lot of the old behaviors. I guess this is a way of organizing some of those thoughts and reminding myself I know what to do and am capable. I am not a mental health professional and this should just be taken as my personal thoughts above anything else.
The other reason is because I read something the other day about building self-confidence in submissives and there was a point about giving them self-improvement tasks and praising them for completing them and guys, that’s really bad. So I’ve been thinking about this since then. I’m not even gonna try and be short with this one, btw, but I’ll bold/headline important stuff for skimming.
The thing is, those of us who are codependent don’t have anything wrong with us. We have—and want—super-close, super intense connections. But there’s a problem when it causes people to become controlling, or fearful, or feel unworthy, or even to enable the bad/addictive behavior of the other by breeding shame and an expectation that they *will* mess up. I didn’t realize I was codependent until about eight months ago, and working on it in therapy has made me happier, more stable, and stronger in relationships (romantic and otherwise). And obviously, it’s a process. Probably always will be.
What is codependency?
Codependency is a dysfunctional way of being based in self-neglect, not just two people who depend on each other. Once more: codependent is not the same thing as interdependent. Interdependence is healthy. Codependence means you derive your self worth from fixing other people’s messes in a way that may actually enable them—it originated in AA referring to relationships who were covering for their addicts at work, making them feel better about slips without ever acknowledging it needs to stop, etc.
Codependency is putting so much value on “fixing” the other person that you ignore your own boundaries, neglect your own interests and needs, and when you inevitably cannot make it perfect because you are not in control of another’s actions, having spiraling self esteem. Everything else in life falls away in favor of some kind of impossible level of caretaking, and it is self destructive for both people. It’s a bad state of mental health. For many people it causes anxiety around doing right by their partner all the time, or things like always being depressed when a partner is depressed.
Lots of things can cause codependency. You may have developed a codependent personality as a response to excessive dishonesty, neglect, shaming in your relationships (not necessarily from the relationship you’re exhibiting it in). You may have been a “golden child” or otherwise lived with unrealistic expectations. It may be connected to anxiety, bipolar, BPD, or other things that make you feel things intensely and have a hard time understanding others who don’t. Or you may just have a naturally codependent personality. It may be none of the above.
To some extent, all power exchange is codependent. Actually, all relationships are. But there’s a healthy limit. Here are a few things that fall under the umbrella:
- feeling responsible for other’s behavior. They’re doing this because I didn’t ____. If I _____, they’ll behave this way.
- basing your value on how much you can help others—this was/is one of my biggest things.
- feeling uncomfortable when others want to help you
- trouble speaking up about your own needs and interests
- basing your behavior on the prevention of abandonment
- telling other people things are okay when they aren’t
A few traits that I think are particularly prevalent in power exchange:
- putting the well-being and interests of others first/actively denying your own
- asking permission for things you need to do to function
- needing to know every little thing the other is doing
- excessive care-taking
Ways to Fight Codependency in Power Exchange
This is by no means exhaustive. These are just some of the things I’ve been identifying that have red flashing lights around what I’ve learned about codependency recently.
Careful with self-improvement dynamics. I do believe that all relationships should want the other person to improve. I also believe that if you learn to do a healthy thing when told, you won’t do the healthy thing when not told. I wrote once about how, even though I live to write, when I became used to my Owner commanding me when to go write I stopped doing it on my own and began to wait for His command/feel uncomfortable doing it without one, or even purposefully not do it out of depression/anger/I don’t know what that He didn’t. I’ve seen this applying to others with working out, journaling… lots of things. Because of this, I really, really caution against micromanagement without careful guard against this. Self-improvement dynamics are great, but there are other ways to do it.
Express a desire for and general praise for doing things, without becoming too specific. There is a time for this, but it’s the difference between “try hard in class today” and “go and spend fifteen minutes on your flash-cards.” I think that one allows for the other person to develop their own healthy habits, while the other teaches there is one right way to do things, and doing it in another way may displease your partner. Obviously, I’m applying this specifically to self-improvement and things they’re doing for themselves, not “make my coffee in this specific way” and similar.
Choose things to do that are 100% unrelated to your partner’s desires for you. This doesn’t mean ignoring the things they want you to do, but developing other things that are not based at all on their desires. Goals completely of your own. Sometimes, it’s best to not even tell them about it, if your dynamic allows for that. That really helps in learning to not require approval all the time.
Use mindfulness and cognitive rerouting to consciously rephrase your behaviors. It can still be something that affects your partner, but see if you can think of the things you do and then add reasons which include the words ‘I’ and ‘me’. See the difference between “I’m working out for Owner” and “I’m working out because it makes me happier and more stable, which makes my life and relationships better,” or between “I track my the calories of my submissives” and “I keep an eye on my loved ones’ eating habits because I want to keep myself surrounded with healthy lifestyles.” If any of your reasons include “because if I don’t” (not punishment based but “if I don’t do this, they do behave this way” reroute or eliminate that immediately.
Accept some amount of powerlessness; respond accordingly. Listen, I’m not saying you left side slashes don’t have control. You do. I’m in a TPE, I get it. But there’s something a mentor told me in high school (typical teenage boy being stupid, typical girl pining over it) which has really stuck with me. She said,
“I believe people do what they want. If he wants to do something, he’ll find a way to do it. If he doesn’t, maybe he doesn’t really want to.”
This is actually similar to something my Owner told me once, back when we were first meeting. I’m probably not getting this exactly right, but it was something like: imagine Brad Pitt/J-Lo/whoever asks you on a date. You don’t say “let me see how I’m feeling” or keep them waiting that night because a friend wants drinks. If you really have another commitment, you offer a different time to do it. If you don’t, it’s quite possible you didn’t *really* want to. And we should all value ourselves as much as Brad Pitt.
This applies to submission, too. If someone doesn’t obey something (I’m excepting brat/funishment dynamics here) they probably just didn’t want to do it enough.
Don’t accept or enable forgetting as an excuse. If they want to follow protocol enough and know they might do that, expect them to write it down. I’m not a top, so I can’t speak too much to this. On the other side of things, though, if your partner – D or s – does something that hurts you and says “oh, I didn’t mean to,” that just isn’t true. Maybe they didn’t know it would damage the relationship, if you haven’t told them before, but they *did* mean to. We’re in control of our own actions. Starting to think “well, what can I do to make them want to do/not do x in the future?” is dangerous.
Communicate your boundaries and needs, and decide what breaking them means ahead of time. It’s really just the same as good discipline dynamics. “I need this in my relationships, and when I don’t get it I feel this way. If it does/doesn’t happen, here is how I will respond.” If they continue to do/not do the thing, well, decide what you do in a relationship where they don’t care about that. Decide before it’s done/not done, and stick to your decision on your next step. Don’t accept excuses if alternatives or plans to fix the issue aren’t given.
Don’t expect what you don’t say, and don’t expect of yourself to get it all right. You do not have the power to communicate telepathically.
And finally,
You cannot fix your partner’s depression. Do not try. It is not your fault or responsibility.
Things that aren’t Power Exchange-Specific
Don’t blindly support your partner. How often do I see submissives going around fighting their left slash’s battles, or smiling and nodding while looking uncomfortable? Or the left slash going full bodyguard on everything that is said about their partner? Support your partner in the things you support them in. If that’s their every move and opinion, great! But it doesn’t make you a bad person if it isn’t. You don’t have to disparage them. Like, please don’t. But insist on your ability to have your own thoughts, or at least don’t agree with things you don’t agree with. Along with this, try not to make assumptions on one person in a relationship based on what the others do. Practice knowing that people are individuals.
Disentangle your events, friendships, and so forth. I’ve been going to a local slosh every so often, recently, something I wouldn’t have done a year ago. My partner isn’t really into the slosh environment. What I’ve found so weird is that every time I go, three or four people say to me “where’s Emm?” like it’s really weird that I’m out without Him. That’s a problem. As long as you aren’t keeping secrets, do your own thing. Let people in couples do their own thing.
Don’t be in relationship styles that enable this behavior in your life. For some it is monogamy, for some it is poly (or a specific brand of that i.e. hierarchical). Or it might just be a specific person. If a relationship makes you say “I have to do everything right or I’ll be abandoned in favor of somebody/something else” instead of “we care about each other, we both chose to be here, and we’ll work on things together” then it may not be right for you.
Take responsibility for picking yourself up. Have an aftercare plan for yourself. Definitely do expect partners help you with the immediate getting water, blankets, cuddling/threats or whatever you need there, but also plan for yourself by doing things like not scheduling big events after play, avoiding news/people that you know will upset you, having good food around. (This applies to D type drop too but I don’t have the insight for that. Feel free to post ideas in comments!)
Get a therapist. Get therapists. Get them separately. Couples counseling has its place, but I believe everyone can benefit from individual therapy as well. If there are issues, examine your own role and reactions apart from your partner, and with a professional. Seriously. I never imagined it could help so much. Make it a New Year’s Resolution.
What if you want a codependent relationship?
That might sound completely ridiculous to some of us, but it’s also really present in kink. People who are in CG/l inherently WANT a relationship based around some amount of care-taking. There ARE people whose idea of dream power exchange involves micromanagement. I DO want to be around and share lives with my Owner as much as possible, and be what He desires me to be.
Okay. So that’s where we stand, then. I’d bet it’s more common here than not. But be aware of it. Know that might be unhealthy in many situations, and keep it something you want and are happy to be doing and not something you depend on for your self-esteem. Don’t let it become your default in your other relationships. Choose it.
As stated at the top, I don’t know what I’m doing. Who does? But I hope my thoughts can help someone. If not, dissecting this a bit today helped me, at least for now. It’s a process. It’s a conscious thing. I’m workin’ on it.
If you have other suggestions or know more than I do, I hope you’ll join in on the conversation on the in the comments of the original Fetlife post here.