TW / CW: Basically what it says on the tin
START HERE: Rules of Engagement, Context, and Definitions
Part II: What makes for a healthy/unhealthy TPE
Part III: Questions to ask yourself to tell if *your* dark dynamic or TPE is unhealthy or not
Part IV: You know someone whose dynamic seems unhealthy, or yours is and you want to stay. Now what?
Introduction and Context
This is going to be a long and a difficult series of posts. They come from reading a friend’s gorgeously written but horrific account of abuse by a Bay Area kinklebrity who had a large platform, one that I even have supported in some ways, years ago. This friend is someone who has engaged extensively with my classes and writings and who I know is interested in many of the same elements of TPE (total power exchange) that I am—emotional S/m, CNC, and the like. And as this came out, I was reminded, once again, how much risk there is in an unfortunate truth I try to mention in my classes: these kinks can, at times, attract people who mean to use them for abusive control. Other times, they can simply enable toxicity to continue.
TPE partnerships are still relationships, requiring communication, listening, understanding, care. Dark dynamics like the kind I write and speak about–with no safeword, no technical limits, and interactions that intentionally mimic what some might call abuse–are *still relationships.*
I have been in good and bad relationships. I have been in good and bad TPE dark dynamics. And my relationship with my Owner has been both a good and a bad relationship.
Please understand as you read through these: I was not and have never been abused by Him; I am not saying that and do not agree with anyone who would. However, the relationship *was* unhealthy for some time, in ways I could not see then and with effects that I have been and am and will always be working through. I speak clearly and directly about all of this to Him without fear. I am safe, I am well, I am saying things that are no big secret to some who I know will read. But for anyone who has ever thought I have a fantasy dream TPE where there are never any bumps and everything has been peachy from day one… I read posts like the ones linked above and realize that I need to publicly say otherwise. It’s the only way that I can authentically write about the realities and about why I do and don’t think some things are unhealthy.
I’m going to talk about some of that here. I’ve also brought in examples and thoughts from some of you, for which I am extremely grateful. I hope that if it is relevant, you will do the same in the comments. Please do feel free to include any rules of engagement of your own that would make you feel safe sharing, and I will do my best to enforce them best I can.
Rules of Engagement
First: you will not invalidate anyone’s experiences of abuse, whether I quote them or they share in the comments. Yes, false allegations exist; before you say it, I’ve experienced watching people I love be described doing things they did not too. But false allegations are rare, comparatively, exceedingly so. I also don’t want to be the judge of who is making shit up. So we are going to assume good faith. (This means that if someone posts and you can tell it’s about you, I need you to trust that your behaviors as a non-abusive person will prove the falsehood. We are not arguing about who was or wasn’t abused. Not here.)
You also will not invalidate anyone’s desires to be in the sort of relationship I describe, consensually and in a self-aware manner.
In these posts, I will not engage with you if you do either of the above. I will block you. None of this means that the ideas are not discussible or debatable. But please speak for your individual experiences, *not* those of people you are not.
As I have been quite vulnerable about some personal stuff here, I’m going to ask you be gentle and judicious with any comments or questions that might be specific to me. There is some of it I’m willing to speak about and some I am not, and I also do not believe I can speak for the intense therapeutic work of someone else.
I ask you not interrogate any parties about any of this — me, the people I discuss, the people quoted, the people they discuss. But this goes extra for those who are being mentioned, both for the safety of those doing the mentioning and the sake of these people’s own work (and everyone else’s ability to see if it is being done or not). It is up to them if/when they’re ready to acknowledge, make amends, and so on.
Finally, I am not a therapist; I am also not *your* therapist. I cannot take responsibility for determining if you are in a healthy relationship or not. If you message me with questions or comments you cannot put here, I will do my best to speak from my perspective or ask the questions that you aren’t yet asking yourself, but I’m not openly asking you to do this and I need you to please know ahead of time that I often take days to respond to messages. And please, take care of yourself in reading and commenting.
Definitions:
Dark dynamic: In these writings, I am often speaking about relationships that involve heavy elements of darkness–CNC, degradation, humiliation, intentionally imitating abuse cycles, and the like–which may complicate telling “healthy” and “unhealthy” apart. This being said, most if not all of the red flags named will apply outside of dark dynamics too.
Unhealthy: Some of the people quoted in the writings are talking about abuse. Some are not. I use “unhealthy” behaviors, instead of abusive, as a way to refer to all of us. You still should pay attention to the words someone uses to refer to their own situation if/when you bring it up to others.
AA: how I will refer to my Actual Abuser
T: how I will refer to the Owner I most often talk and write about in the context of back when things were bad.
In these writings, I will use “s-type” and “submissive” interchangeably; the same with “d-type” and “dom.” This is not meant to imply other sorts of power dynamics who do not use these specific words may not apply.
S-types can absolutely be abusive. We can also be toxic. I certainly have been. These writings specifically are about dynamics where D-types do things that if not consensual, would be abusive. Therefore, I refer to the perpetrator of unhealthy acts as the D-type here. By no means does this imply that these things would be healthy if coming from the s-type.
Should you want to join in on the conversation in the comments of my writings, you can find the original Fetlife post of this one here.