Somewhere in between all the other things I find time to do, I’ve written a class on Negotiating and Communicating for CNC.
To this end, I asked in my planning for folks to give me definitions of CNC that didn’t involve the words “consensual” or “non-consent”. I was fascinated by the responses that came up: all of them were somewhat different, some with great deviation. For posterity’s sake/because I think it might be interesting even to folks who wouldn’t take such a class, I’ve tried to sort them some here to give a better picture of those answers.
Common Themes
A focus on trust:
- “CNC is an informed and conscious choice to trust yourself, body and soul, to another person or persons.”
- “It’s giving all of yourself to someone else who could destroy your inner workings and your body and trusting them not to.”
- “Complete trust in a Dominant or top, taking into consideration a personal willingness to suffer and/or push boundaries”
- “Using trust as a way to add fear and intensity to play.”
- “putting your life in someone else’s hands”
A focus on giving up choice:
- “One (or more) partner waiving the right to choose and empowering another to act or choose in their place.”
- “one person abdicates the ability to give or remove consent.”
- “Abdicating responsibility for oneself/one’s choices within a framework of care and regard.”
- “the enthusiastic giving up of power and choice to another for an agreed upon amount of time”
- “two (or more) people agreeing to engage in either a single event or ongoing relationship where the recipient of sensation offers complete decision making to the giver of sensation”
- “I don’t eat, buy or drink anything without permission, ever; I don’t have any choice over where I live or what job I have. I’ve given up power over my existence. That’s more TPE to some folks, but to me they go hand in hand.”
- “Choosing to give up your ability to say no in order to gain the power to scream it.”
An inner experience:
- “It’s a feeling that I exist solely for his pleasure. It’s that belief within”
- “It’s not being allowed to say no. It’s wanting to never say no.”
- “Jesus, take the wheel.”
Points of disagreement
Roleplay or Reality:
- “All parties agree it is okay and desirable to do something to one of them that they ACTUALLY DON’T want. (Possibly for experiencing force, disgust, shame, humiliation, or violation. Possibly for demonstrating service, commitment, loyalty, submission. Etc)”
- “It doesnt matter if I want to because I made an earlier commitment that I would for this person, and I understood and agreed to the risk of having to do something I might not like”
- “it leaves less to chance than your average vanilla sexual encounter, but gives the illusion of less control”
- “I want to but I’m pretending I dont want to because doing so is arousing to at least one of us. (sometimes but not always rape play, sometimes just being bratty)”
- “To edge closer to that headspace I would need to really believe that I had zero say in what was done to me.”
Safeword or Limits Use/Lackthereof:
- “Allowing your partner to take as much pleasure from your body as they desire in any way they desire, whether it be pain, mind fucks, sex, etc without the security of a safe word to stop the act.”
- “Play where, with the exceptions of safe words, the Dominant takes as they wish within the negotiated limits, with the appearance of breaking consent through force, coercion, etc.”
- “it’s possible to use a safeword in CNC, but it’s “advisory.” As Captain Barbossa might say, “It’s more like…guidelines, than actual rules.” The safeword can help the top determine where the bottom is, but the top has the option to ignore it.”
- “Agree to a clearly defined structure within which your disagreement is immaterial; for pleasure or purpose.”
- “Based on information exchanged before, knowing exactly when “No” means “Yes pleasee”, and acting on it.”
- “Any play eschewing “no” or “stop” as a safeword, or ignoring pleas of discomfort or refusal and “going for it anyway”
- “Engaging in a limited negotiated scenario in which a person openly allows another party or parties to proactively ignore any objection or refusal so that the party or parties may proceed at their own discretion through completion of said scenario.”
What does it encompass?
- “Forced aggression”
- “Rape play”
- “Sleep play/intoxication play”
- Not sleep or intoxication play: “CNC loses that first “C” when the person is no longer able to communicate in any sort of way.”
Conclusions
All of these answers being a little different, it is clear to me that—while I believe this is necessary in bringing up *any* sort of play for the first time—defining terms is of the utmost importance when discussing entering into some sort of CNC. Saying CNC is not enough. What this is needs to be approached through open-ended questions.
A top I spoke to about this advised being on the same page about “what the bottom wants to experience,” and that seems the best possible discussion to me. Is it about giving up all choice? Is it about aggression? Is it about the ability to fully act as if it is something they don’t want to do (even though they do) without being stopped? Do they want the experience of feeling total devotion? Any of these could be the answer (or very much *not* the answer), depending on the person.
It seems especially important those interested in CNC discuss
1) whether or not anything will be used as a safeword, and
2) whether or not the activities engaged in should be ones that the bottom really doesn’t like or activities they’re okay with, just with the illusion of force/manipulation/coercion behind them.
Housekeeping
Please note these are quotes taken from some of the definitions. I was not able to include all of them in a logical fashion. Sometimes, multiple quotes may come from one answer. [If you’d like, you can read them in original form on Fetlife here. Or, if you want to join in on the conversation, you can do so in the comments of the original posting of this analysis on Fetlife here.
Discussion is okay; value judgement and kink-shaming will not be tolerated on this post. I understand some folks feel that playing without a safeword or limits or playing intoxicated is abusive; I expect you to understand and respect that other folks do not agree.
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