I asked the other day for people’s burning CNC-related questions in preparation for teaching my CNC class. I got a lot of good and intriguing topics in response, but there was one I was immediately struck by:
How do you make sure it’s not too ‘real’? Like fun in the moment and [not] totally traumatic afterwards?
Soon after, I got to discussing some of this with my long-time Fet friend, @-chickenlittle-. -chickenlittle- is a very wise, very thoughtful human who also engages in CNC in a way similar to how I do, and they agreed to let me publish some of our chat. You’ll find their thoughts in bold, and mine… well, not.
The idea of “going too far.” For me, there really isn’t. In my submission, he decides how far we go. If there is active harm I can tell him, but it’s built into my submission that he decides how much I take.
That’s my take too. And that “I tell Him” is very important… People think no safeword might mean not speaking up. It means speaking up even more. It just means I can’t count on the decision being mine.
One thing I do want to say in response to that question is that some people do want CNC to be NOT fun. That’s a valid choice. Defining terms is really important, because some people use CNC to mean totally roleplay and some of us use it to mean I want to fear for my life and be made to do things I hate for real; some of us use it to mean no safeword at all and some of us use it to mean only the safeword will stop things, etc. etc. Tops get a say in that too, of course. If a top isn’t okay with the idea of someone *actually* suffering at their hands, they should play with bottoms who also desire scenes that always have that undercurrent of “fun.”
I’d say suffering is a *heavy* part of why I enjoy CNC. To put this in an easy way, there is so much suffering around us. Pain, injustice, etc. Having some sort of consensual suffering… it feels like an escape from that world.
I find some people have a hard time understanding that, or have been shamed into thinking it isn’t okay to want. It’s inherently not real because of the consent part. It’s not necessarily the goal to be “fun” outside of that.
Sometimes when people grow up in unsafe situations they develop responses to situations. I deeply feel this is part of why I enjoy suffering. It creates my fawn response and to be honest, it is so much easier to be happy and grateful for my life. Suffering keeps me here. It keeps me present. When we haven’t played in a while I get… Distant. I find it hard to connect with anyone, even my human. When we engage in consensual suffering it connects me to my body better than anything I’ve experienced. I don’t regret it when the response has faded, nor do I experience negative side effects. I think this is in large part to the trust I have for my Owner, as well as my consent to the situation.
Honestly, while I don’t consider my draw toward suffering to be a trauma response exactly, this does nail down a lot of it. Things like drowning force my body to fight to live, no matter what my emotions are telling me, and that’s a powerful symbol for me.
What do you think keeps a scene for you in that fawn response zone and not into the “okay, I’m having an actual trauma response”?
Doing this with my partner, we do it out of love. If I do fall into trauma response and am needing help, we immediately do that. I’m safe. In a similar situation, rape play gave me power back because I could have some control over the scene, CNC gives me power back because it’s founded in love. If [my abuser] harmed me, that was it. If my Love harms me, everything is paused until we are both okay again. It’s not about Him getting His way. It’s about me continually following his authority. To be honest, I hate doing the dishes more than I have ever hated what he was doing to me.
So looking at the original question… is it even about the scene construction and the events that happen for you? Is the difference the everything-outside-of-the-scene… As in the way we make sure it’s “fun,” whatever that means, and not too real, has to do with the relationship itself, discussions you have had, and knowledge you’ve consented (whether or not we really call that negotiation at this stage)?
I’d say those things are the most important. That makes all the difference for me internally.
Yeah, me too. Especially when we are dealing with those things not meant to be “fun.” It’s also helpful when things go sideways… and I strongly believe that if you do play with blanket consent at all, that’s a when, not an if. For me, I really emphasize knowing how you’re going to handle that.
I am very vocal when I’m afraid of harm. Even though I trust him implicitly there are still things he can do without intent. Any time he gets near my knees or does a bad position on my shoulder, it flies out of my mouth. I’m highly protective of myself by reflex now, sometimes too much.
That’s my method too. And not always during the scene. I don’t go nonverbal frequently, but it happens. You can still communicate. I have done it once by going as still as possible. But before, after, randomly throughout the week… things have to be said. Whenever they occur to me. Particularly because we don’t pre-plan all our scenes, I have to just announce when I’m having trigger-y days, when I’m overly tired, when I’m having bad pain days. It may be what
I personally couldn’t ask for a better Owner, and I’m glad he takes my constant chatter as communication and not some annoying bullshit.
Lol. Yep. We are the same on a lot of this. What I’m wondering now is your thoughts on how trauma and trouble is avoided when people do want to do pick-up CNC or CNC with near-strangers, which is also a valid thing. I try to talk about partner selection, risk profile considerations, in-moment communication and such in class, but so much of communication for something like this does occur over time it becomes even more difficult.
This is a very hard question. It also depends on what kind of CNC. There’s literally infinite ways to do CNC. If it were *me*, I would figure out what play I want and why, do a personal risk assessment, consider if I’m willing to accept the ramifications of permanent damage and how likely that is (possibly impossible to answer), what support I have if shit hits the fan, what I would do if they forced something I didn’t actually consent to and if that’s a risk I’m willing to take… The biggest questions are this: Am I prepared to deal with the possible consequences? Do I need this to be a stranger because of the thrill or because I don’t have a partner and really really want this scene? Am I okay with that? The issue is thinking “Oooh this sounds fun!” instead of “this sounds fun, and the possible ramifications are X, Y, Z. Can I deal with that?” It takes a lot of hard self-honesty. Not many are capable of that.
This was just a bit of our conversation, which was honestly fantastic. I learn from my friends here, new and old, all the time. That’s part of what I love about teaching on Zoom—people’s contributions in chat add to the conversation even more in a way that can’t be done in-person. If you want to take my Negotiating and Communicating for CNC class, keep an eye on my newsletter or Fetlife profile for the next time it’s scheduled… and if there aren’t any listed, ask your favorite event hosts to shoot me a message about collaborating! Or we can have these conversations in my inbox anytime—truly. Please feel free to reach out and say hi.
-chickenlittle- is also open to your messages for those with questions about CNC, which I recommend because they’re just generally a really great human. Many many thanks again to @-chickenlittle- for allowing me the honor of your words.