NOTE: This is a highly condensed version of a class I now teach. It has been slightly edited recently, but is vastly in need of more.
Since joining the more public fetish community, I’ve frequently received messages–first, from people who’d seen me scene in public, then from people who’d seen pictures of me post-scene on mine or another’s profile—asking how to get through those tough scenes. I’ve decided to compile a few of the responses I give. I hope some of you find it helpful.
I cannot teach you to be a masochist.
I came to the scene and my relationship already craving pain and destruction. It’s hard-wired in my brain. There’s a reason the DSM once considered masochism a mental disorder (though this in itself is problematic). Since the initial writing of this post, I have thought about one idea, but I don’t know how it will work for folks in actuality.
Some things to note about this:
Being a masochist does not mean that I don’t feel pain.
I definitely feel pain. I definitely suffer. I definitely scream and cringe and hurt. I just like it. I also usually have a ‘switch over’ moment where I stop hurting and start coming; sometimes it is after one hit and sometimes it takes a lot longer.
I don’t think I have a high pain tolerance.
But I’m frequently told otherwise. What does this mean? It means if you’re feeling like you “don’t take enough” because of the way you do or don’t mark, the length of your scenes, etc, it’s pretty possible that actually, you’re taking a lot more than the average bear. Imposter syndrome is alive and well in kink. We have a tendency to think we aren’t doing as well because we are on Fet, seeing pictures of cool scenes and awesome marks. But think about it–if people aren’t doing cool scenes or come away with no marks, they aren’t posting it. Don’t fall victim to that availability heuristic.
@AccidentalFlirt adds: “pain tolerance is not a competition… you shouldn’t aspire to be able to take pain in the same way that someone else can. You should only aspire to take as much as YOU can… and that tolerance level changes.”
Being a masochist is not required for a D/s relationship.
You can learn to take pain without enjoying it at all physically and enjoy the service aspect. In fact, a D/s relationship doesn’t have to include pain at all! If your top-y person wants you to enjoy pain and you just really, really, do not – you may just be mismatched. Sorry, just like one might be mismatched in terms of libido, religion, politics, or anything else, if that’s an important aspect of the relationship to you or your partner, that’s something to consider.
As I’ve taught and worked with this material for a while now, I’ve come to realize that all the advice I give comes down to one main thing. If you read nothing further, I hope this will help.
My number one tip is this:
Learn what pain you might be able to and what pain you shouldn’t continue with.
Knowing what you actually shouldn’t handle may help you to remind yourself “this is okay.” Generally speaking, though there are always exceptions, Bad Pain may be in the joints, a very specific location, not where you expect it (being hit in the thigh but feeling pain in your stomach), cause stabby breathing, does not decrease with breaks, or involve a sound, among other things. Good Pain in my experience is muscle or skin pain, comes in ‘waves’ as you adjust, throbs, and is where you would expect it to be. You are unlikely to get compartment syndrome. Bruises over bruises will not cause a pulmonary embolism. “Hitting over the kidneys” is rarely a thing to be concerned about (much less actually over the kidneys). Reading, going to classes, and the like—information meant for both tops and bottoms—is so important. The more you know, the more you can get out of your head. (That is not to say all resources are good resources, so read as much as possible and compare notes. I’ll take this moment to express my hate of the totally false endorphin load article that says they are released in levels and gives instructions as to what will make that happen and what each will do. Fuck that writing in particular.)
Additionally, prepare your body best to avoid these bad types of pain. Warming up is the best way to do that. I have a post with some information on how to do that properly here (hint: it isn’t yoga, probably.)
When you feel you are fully informed and can determine if the pain is something threatening to your well-being or not, you can better take a step back in the moment and say, “Oh, okay. Body, you aren’t in mortal danger. I can calm that fight-or-flight response. I can stop breathing heavily and screaming, because that is a reaction to being harmed, which I am not.” Your body doesn’t know I want this, it only knows if the ways you are reacting are the ways that you react to danger. I believe that the majority of the advice I can give you comes down to don’t cue your body to panic if it doesn’t have to.
The rest of the thoughts:
This post is designed for bottoms, so I can’t offer you techniques as far as impact, warming a bottom up, etc. I do have recommendations now on helping aid those on a mission to masochism. I also believe knowing the sorts of things I talk about here and attending other bottoming education classes will only help tops to become a better top.
Play with people that know you.
And that means that if you aren’t playing within a relationship or a situation where your partner knows you well, you need to get real good at communicating what you like and what your cues are. Shaking may be a sign of shock for one and a sign of extreme pleasure for another.
Know how your partners play.
Watch them. Ask them. Some sadists like to get the most out of only one implement. Some like to go in waves with breaks in between, starting at a warm-up level again each time. My Owner tends to escalate in terms of implement and strength throughout a scene. If you aren’t sure how to handle pain, it will help you to know how things are going to go.
@Miss-Sammi adds: “keep in mind, that each person wields implements differently. What might be a NO GO with one play partner, maybe a OH YES with another.”
Only play with people you’re capable of being completely honest with.*
Before, during, and especially after play.
Okay, now that that housekeeping is done, I’ll get down to the nitty-gritty. Here’s how I “handle” pain.
The Mental
Set an Intention
This is, as far as I’m concerned, the most important tip – and I offer no apologies if it sounds a little woo. Know your scene’s intention. How? Discuss it ahead of time. Know what both you and your play partner want to get out of it. Listen to the cues from your top, the little tidbits hidden in their talk about wanting you to suffer for them, or wanting to make you come. Play with people you know really well. Know, and know well, why you’re doing this scene. This could be for yours or their sexual pleasure, to serve by suffering, to serve by having a really great, connected scene, to go to the point of destruction for humiliation or the rebuild after, or any number of things. Figure it out – and then put that intention into a short, repeatable phrase. You can now repeat this with every strike, or when the pain gets to be a little too much. For me, this phrase might be “I am His,” “I will make Him proud,” “I am safe.”
Here’s a fun fact: your brain is easy to trick! If the scene is about giving you any sort of pleasure from pain, you can oftentimes get there by repeating to yourself something along the lines of “This is hot. I love this.”
Personal example: last week, my Owner took me for a whipping. It became very clear to me early on (from His body language, His urgency to start the scene, His words, and the way He used the whip) that this was not a scene about my pleasure whatsoever. This was about Him wanting to whip me, and for me to suffer from it. Period. This was about serving my sadist. My mantra for this scene was “this is for Him.”
Count down in small numbers.
If you’re going to be hit 200 times (or, more likely, at least in the scenes I do, some large but unplanned and unknown number), it doesn’t do well to think “I have AT LEAST 199 strikes left!” But you can always, always count to ten. This is another brain trick. Maybe you’ll be doing it 20 times. But you still have a small victory every tenth strike (or thirty seconds, or new position, if you’re doing some sort of non-impact play.) Like the mantra, this also gives you something else to focus on.
Smile.
Make a conscious effort to do so. Similar to the “I love this” placebo effect, you may be able to trick your brain into pleasure.
It’s also really sexy.
@Bloodybuzzard adds: “Laugh! If at all possible, giggle, chuckle, laugh. Find something amusing and laugh. It can alter your perception of things going on and there’s good medicine as well as endorphins in laughter.”
Stop aiming for bruises.
Seriously. A good half of my messages on this are people from both sides of the slash asking how to cause deeper bruising. Yes, some strikes and implements are more likely to bruise, but this depends much more on body composition and what you’ve been putting into yourself than that. It is NOT a reflection of how hard you played. Expecting it to be sets you or your partner up for feelings of failure and disappointment. Besides, if you play frequently, your body will learn to bruise less or build up “leather butt” – so the lack of color can be just as much of a trophy.
React.
Whatever that may mean for you. Holding it in will distract you from your real focus. Alternately, don’t. Sometimes consciously realizing “I don’t have to scream right now” and stopping will shut down the trauma response and switch you over to enjoyment.
@Passioned adds: “My tolerance is so-so prior to breaking down, and then once i start crying and sobbing it increases. i think it’s because once my Dom “breaks me” in the way that i need to be broken, i “give in” to the pain wand start embracing it without feeling shame about it.”
Remember why you are there.
Related to intention, consciously reminding yourself every so often that “I want to be here” can do wonders to calm down the trauma response that our brains default to.
The Physical
Learn to breathe.
Don’t assume you know how.
Practice taking a big breath for a second. Your stomach should be going out more than your shoulders are going up. This kind of breath is one that goes through your diaphragm. It maximizes the oxygen intake into your bloodstream and calms down your fight-or-flight response. It’s also very hard to do this properly quickly – if you’re breathing through your diaphragm, you can’t hyperventilate. If you breathe in a way that expands your chest over your abdominals, you’re making your life harder in every way. Stop it.
(If you don’t know what diaphragmatic breathing looks like, ask any singer.) I also find it helpful to breathe in the opposite direction of what is happening–exhaling as a needle slides *in* to my body, for example, or inhaling as I am hit (a forward motion).
Treat your body well pre-scene.
Treat your body well all the time. But especially if you’re going to get beat up, you need to eat protein and good sugars that day and drink water – so you don’t pass out, among other things.
Exercise, if that interests you.
Yep, this goes with the above, but there’s a secondary reason. Ever experience the “hump” in an aerobic exercise where you think you can’t do it anymore, and then you get past it and have a “second wind”? Get used to getting past it – and pay attention to what you do to get past it. This, too, is a form of “pain tolerance” – as well as an overall way to increase endurance. See here for more information on doing this correctly.
Negotiate for current-day body awareness.
When you negotiate, do not just include ongoing injuries. Take a second to check in with your body *that day* and communicate where it’s at. Have you been walking for a while, leaving your upper thighs more sensitive than usual? Are you tired or in an emotional place? This is important for your top to know. Give them the tools to help you. (If you aren’t good at body awareness and communication, may I humbly suggest my workbook? It’s got a whole section with exercises to work on this.)
Sexual pleasure, if that interests you.
Your brain automatically chooses pleasure over pain. Some people can take more pain while being sexually stimulated in some form. Careful, though – getting all the way to orgasm is a risky business. It’s gonna take you out of your head and screw up your breathing. Your pain tolerance may be zapped post-orgasm. But then, your sadist may know that…
Play more often.
Just like anything else. Of course, I’m assuming you all are rational people who are going to play because you WANT to play, with people you want to play with, and not just for the sake of increasing your tolerance for someone else. Like anything else, this takes practice. Last year, I left the country for four months. I knew when I got back, my first scene would be Hell.
(Awesome, awesome Hell.)
[Note: I’ve found that the way for me to do this is to imagine the pain as a firework bursting across my body and spreading out.]@acrosub adds: “Try thinking of each strike as a massage, feel the energy and immediately absorb it into your body. Let it sink into your muscles and breath it through your body. It dissipates the pain quickly.”*
Untense your muscles/try a different position.
Actively take a deep breath with your shoulders up, and then release them fully. Stop sticking your neck forward. Swing your arms a bit and squat up and down during breaks to make sure you aren’t holding your muscles tight or your knees locked. I recently discovered that I enjoy pain significantly more while standing rather than on a spanking bench, presumably because how it keeps me from tensing my muscles in anticipation (since said muscles are in charge of keeping me upright.) Sometimes a small adjustment can change a feeling entirely. If where you are and what you’re doing isn’t working, don’t be afraid to try a small change like this rather than ending a scene.
All right, that’s what I got. I mainly wrote this to link to people who message me in the future, but please love and share if you find it helpful. I teach this as a class occasionally, so do check in on my newsletter if you want to hear when I’m teaching it next, or ask your favorite event organizer to host me! And please, do add your own strategies in the comment section on Fetlife! Happy hurting!