vahavta thinks she’s funny

Titles of Kink Autobiographies I Could Write*

Oh, The Places I’ve Bled

Ageplay and Other Things My Cunt Didn’t Consult Me On

Horny and Existentially Tired

Everything I Need to Know About My Turn-Ons I Learned from a Name I Was Called in Middle School

That’s Gonna Leave a Mark

It’s Not Safe, It’s Not Sane, and I’m Trying to Forget It’s Consensual

The Abridged Guide to Enjoying Denial: Just the Tips

The Seven Habits of the Highly Self-Sabotaging Masochist

That’s Not Gonna Leave a Mark Anymore

Why Am I Wet? A Memoir

How I Kept Worrying and Learned to Love Almost Dying

The Most Washed Sheets in America

Horror Movies Ranked by How Much I Needed to Get Fucked After Watching

What’s Wrong with Me? Volume I of ?

Nobody Warned Me: Is This a Collagen Thing?

Posted by vahavta

Drophead*

A day in vahavta’s brain, post-scene

Sometime around 1:30 AM
Owner: In a few minutes here, we’re going to go to Cookout and get some food.
Me: *immediately bursts into tears*

2:15 AM
Sex imminent. Vagina really feelin’ that being a great idea. Thighs, which are beat the fuck up, disagree. Vagina takes the wheel. Orgasms, frantic declarations of Love, and fear of my legs never working again ensue.

2:50 AM
Owner: All right. I am determined to get some damn Cookout. You can wear my hoodie. What do you want to eat?
Me, meekly: Nothing. I’m not hungry. If I eat I’ll throw up.

2:58 AM
Cookout is closed even though they are SUPPOSED to be open until 3. We go to McDonald’s instead.
Me: I really, really, want to have a parfait.

3:12 AM
Owner: You can go to bed if you need. I’m going to be awake for a while longer.
Me: I AM STAYING WHERE YOU ARE.
I proceed to get inexplicably angry at whiny people on Reddit, insist on watching Dom Mazetti on youtube, and cuddle my stuffed dinosaur named Rawr.

4:00 AM
We go upstairs to go to bed. Owner walks behind me in case I suddenly forget how to use my legs, which is a possibility.

4:01 AM
Owner rolls over to spoon me and somehow pokes me directly in the eye. I immediately burst into tears.

1:30 PM
We wake up. There are no good feelings left in the entire world.

2:36 PM
I stumble downstairs holding Rawr. Owner sees me and laughs. This makes me REALLY REALLY angry because of COURSE I need my dinosaur.

2:38 PM
Owner: What’s wrong?
Me: I JUST woke up!
Owner: No need to take an attitude.
Me: Well, You asked me what’s wrong and NOTHING is WRONG.
I am well aware something is wrong.

2:48 PM
Owner leaves me in the car while He goes into a store. I listen to Honey, I’m Good and bounce up and down while trying to figure out what country linedance would fit best to it. I plot out said linedances using my hands as feet.

2:56 PM
I am somehow crying again. However, in my head, there is a constant stream of NAH NAH HONEY I’M GOOD I COULD GET ANOTHER BUT I PROBABLY SHOULDNA GOT SHNAW SHNAW SHNAW blah blah blah blah blah blah LEAVE ALONE

3:01 PM
Me: I’m so good at explaining away bruises! Everything but bite marks. I’m great!
Owner: What’ll you say about these?
Me: Oh, easily a pole fitness injury.

3:02 PM
Guy inside the Walmart: Shit, man, what happened to your legs?
Me: Skateboarding.

3:06 PM
Owner decides to do majority of shopping tomorrow. My thoughts are as follows:
He doesn’t want to be seen with me. He doesn’t want to BE with me. I’m not fun anymore. This isn’t good. He just wants to get home as soon as possible so that He doesn’t have to pretend I’m interesting which I’m clearly not and He doesn’t want someone who carries a stuffed dinosaur in the car and how am I ever going to NAH NAH HONEY I’M GOOD I COULD GET ANOTHER BUT I PROBABLY oh my lord my thighs hurt FUCK that scene was great and I haven’t told him and what if
I am now crying again.

3:25 PM
Owner: You’ve been really distant today, and a bit snappy. I don’t know if I’m dropping, but I’m feeling like something went really wrong.
Me: *oh god oh god oh god oh god* I AM SO AFRAID I AM TOO CLINGY AND NEEDY
Owner: You literally have not reached out to me today at all.
Me: IT IS BECAUSE I AM TOO NEEDY
Owner: …
Me: *leaps into Owner’s arms. Starts crying. Again.*
Owner: It’s okay. You are okay. It’s going to be okay.
Me: *shakes head*
Owner: It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.
Aftercare version of Good Will Hunting ensues.

3:41 PM
Owner: I will never be without you. You’re mine. You don’t get to leave. I’d kill you first.
I am no longer crying.
Owner: Well, that was a weird thing to calm you down.

4:17 PM
We now have the Cookout we didn’t get last night and are watching an episode of Dexter.
Me, shyly: I really like Your new gloves.
Owner: Is that so?
Me: Yeah. I really do.
Owner: Seemed like they hurt a lot.
Me: Yeah. They did. I really like them.

6:25 PM
We go upstairs to nap for a half hour. I take off my shirt in the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror for the first time all day.
Me: My tits are bruised!
Owner: Yes, they are. I thought you liked tit bruises?
Me: I do! That’s why I’m smiling! Oh my god last night was SO great.
Owner: Yes, it was.

7:42 PM
We have napped for more than a half hour. He goes downstairs to play Elder Scrolls. I stay upstairs and read. I do not cry.

8:58 PM
On my own, I get up, get into the shower, wash and blow-dry my hair, and decide that I feel like a functional human.

I put on my Owner’s dinosaur t-shirt. It is Rawr’s favorite.

Posted by vahavta

The Seriousness of Commands*

The command of the Dominant and the obedience of the submissive, as you all know, is the foundation of many D/s relationships. This basic protocol – to listen and obey – is what ties together a dynamic. With the needs of the relationship and the best interests of the submissive in mind, a Dominant guides their submissive, who obeys out of respect, appreciation, and sometimes even love. In order to further explore this essential and very serious part of the D/s dynamic, I spent much of the past two weeks recording some of the orders I am given in my daily life. Below, you can find just a few. It should give you some insight to the great depth and sincerity with which one can approach commands.


Don’t be salty. Don’t you do it.

While putting away groceries, having been approached ten minutes in by a half-clothed Owner and a very tight grasp of my hair. DOMLY DOM SNUG TIME. NOW.

Get me some soda. And a cookie, which you will hand to me out of your mouth, because I think it will be adorable.
[shortly after] It was.

I’m bored. I think maybe I’ll make use of you. … Come hither. Bitch.

[upon discovering I could use an app to put meme text on pictures]
You can NOT. Don’t EVER.

Get yourself a snack. Not an option. Like what? Get yourself some cream cheese and some exquisite crackers. Some… exquisite crackers? You know. Crackers that are at least Ritz.

[Upon dropping a Russian accent we had been speaking in for about ten minutes.] NO, Comrade! [*slap*] REMEMBER YOUR ORIGINS.

I’ll put man lotion on my shopping list. That sounds like you’re making it out of humans. I’ll know what I mean! No. Put “lotion for men.” Do it.

Shh. Act like a normal person.

[We have been singing the heart in a blender song by Eve 6. I have proclaimed it a bop.] No, it’s a banger. [No response from me.] What was that? Yes, Sir. It’s a banger.

[upon returning to our front door from a walk] “Portal opener! Open the aperture!”


It is my hope that this short list has given you a better idea of how commands can be used to strengthen both Dominant and submissive as well as the relationship as a whole when taken as seriously as they warrant. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Yes, yes, look, I know that “vahavta thinks she’s funny” as a tag doesn’t really fit because I didn’t say these things myself. Sue me.

Please don’t sue me.

Posted by vahavta