masochism

22
Aug
2024

Good vs. Bad Pain (for safety and as a pain processing tool)

Pain, at its essence, is a multifaceted experience: it’s how we intertwine physiological responses with psychological interpretations. To our bodies, pain is often a warning sign that tells us, “Hey, something’s wrong! Alert!” But for those who tend to lean *towards* some consensual discomfort and suffering, as opposed to away, the difference between “this is what I want!” and harmful damage can often be razor-thin.

This becomes more and more true with certain kinds of edge-play or with capital-S Suffering, but truly, this matters for any of us: one of the things that we go over in my class on pain processing is the role that our own natural fear of damage plays in catastrophizing what’s happening in a scene. For me, something that’s been particularly helpful in processing pain is taking a moment to tell myself, “Okay, I’m responding this way because my body wants to prevent harmful damage, but I know some ways to evaluate if this pain is ‘okay’ or not… and when I go through those measures, it is — so I can now eliminate the panic element of this and allow myself to enjoy it” (whether “it” means the pain itself or the act of Suffering for my partner).

I recently asked my mailing list for their questions about pain and masochism, and this question came up more than any other – and I’m glad, because this is both a pain processing tool in that way I described above and a way that both tops and bottoms can evaluate when something *does* need to stop so that we can stay safer and within our risk profiles as much as possible. So while there are exceptions to everything you read here (or in most of my writings, tbh), here’s are some of the ways you might distinguish between the “good” and the “bad” when it comes to pain.

1. Intensity

Pain we can usually manage:

This is the easisest measure, because pain we can usually manage often feels like “hey, this is pain I can manage!! When it doesn’t, it’s something that you might describe as “challenging,” like what some of us experience during an intense workout. It’s the kind of discomfort that makes you grit your teeth and push forward, not the kind that makes you want to throw in the towel.

Pain that’s more of a warning sign:

This is the kind of pain that stops you in your tracks. It’s sharp, severe, or simply unbearable. If you find yourself seeing stars or unable to focus on anything else, that’s often your body waving a big red flag – and it’s true, some of us *do* still want that feeling of unmanageable (guilty), but we can try thinking about it this way instead: consider your reasons for engaging in this play (whether that’s pushing yourself, bonding/intimacy with your partner, a new experience, or whatever else). In the moment of the pain that feels unmanageable, can you still remember your intention and place your attention there, even through the intensity? If not, it could be time to end the scene.

2. Duration

Pain we can usually manage:

Particularly with impact, good pain happens as it is happening and quickly backs off, at least a teeny tiny bit. Most of what we do in play will hurt past the moment of hitting the skin (or piercing or whatever it might be), but it’s like a wave and backs off in between. If you pause to get a drink of water, you shouldn’t be hurting the same amount you are at the moment of contact. And though this writing is meant to be more about evaluating in-the-moment during play, good pain usually follows a predictable healing timeline. You might experience some muscle soreness for a day or two, but it shouldn’t overstay its welcome.

Pain that’s more of a warning sign:

Bad pain persists even during breaks. There is no “wave” to the sensation, or maybe it even worsens (in ways that aren’t expected based on the kind of play you’re doing). This may be a flare indicating that something unintentional has occurred.

3. Location

Pain we can usually manage:

Good pain largely shows up exactly where you’d expect it to. Your upper back is being flogged, and your upper back hurts. You are receiving an electric shock to the calf, and you feel it on your calf. It *makes sense*. And though there are exceptions, we most often feel it on our skin and in our muscles.

Pain that’s more of a warning sign:

When pain shows up in unexpected places, it’s nearly always cause for concern. If the discomfort is radiating to other parts of your body than where the play is happening, there may be something else going on. And even if they’re *near* that location, feeling pain in bones and joints when it’s happening on soft tissue is usually a warning sign. This also applies to pain felt unevenly: if you’re being hurt the same amount on either side but are feeling it asymmetrically, this is sometimes Not Good. (Though to be fair, it also is sometimes a sign that your top is not right-handed/left-handed and you’re at a bad angle for their good arm.)

4. Quality

Pain we can usually manage:

This does depend on what you’re playing with, and “pain that makes sense” applies for this measure too. Sharps feel sharp. Thuddy toys feel thuddy. Stingy ones sting. During breaks, you might describe this kind of pain as an “ache” or “soreness,” or sometimes as a “burn.”

Pain that’s more of a warning sign:

If you try to describe your pain and the first words you reach for are ones like “stabbing,” “shooting,” or “electric,” these are potentially problem signs (excepting, of course, where they would make sense – yes, needles feel stabby and electricity feels electric, don’t @ me). And if you’re experiencing numbness, tingling, or unusual weakness alongside the pain, that’s nearly ALWAYS your body telling you something’s amiss.

5. Impact on performance

Pain we can usually manage:

There are more exceptions to this category, but while good pain might take some focused processing or even come with a feeling of “I don’t know how much longer I can take this,” it doesn’t necessarily bring you to an abrupt feeling of “STOP THIS NOW!” Where it does, you can still take a moment to consider and recognize that part of this impulse comes from fear of the next strike or escalation, not just from the physical sensation. We may associate words like “pushing through” with this kind of pain, and we often adapt to it and can enjoy it more over time (both in the immediate and in the long-term).

Pain that’s more of a warning sign:

Unlike its “good” counterpart, bad pain tends to cause an immediate and significant drop in your enjoyment of a scene. (Notice I didn’t say of the activity — like how I mentioned being able to re-focus on your reason for play in the “intensity” section, you might really be suffering through something but still able to enjoy that act in the “good pain” category, whereas maybe not so much here.) It might also come with other symptoms, like nausea or blurred vision. Bad pain isn’t the only thing that can cause those items by any means at all, but it certainly *can* cause them.

6. Psychological response

Note: this is the one with the MOST exceptions, because some of us really do love playing with Suffering, fear, and other emotional “negatives.” If you don’t play that way, however, you might consider the following:

Pain we can usually manage:

Good pain often comes with a sense of accomplishment. You might find yourself energized, focused, or turned on by the sensation. It’s challenging, sure, but in a way that makes you feel alive and empowered (even if you integrate power exchange elements and don’t feel *powerful*).

Pain that’s more of a warning sign:

Bad pain often comes with a side of dread. If you find yourself feeling anxious, fearful, or regretting your decision to engage in the activity, listen to those instincts. They’re often your subconscious picking up on signals that something isn’t right.

These measures allow us to introspect as to if the pain we are feeling is really connected to its physiological cause, or if the psychological of “pain = warning” is making it seem worse than it is. You’d be surprised how much better you’ll find you are at pain processing if you can say, “Okay, nervous system: I know that this physical sensation is you trying to tell me we’re in danger, but here’s why *I* think you’re wrong.” And there are other things we can do to help ourselves and our partners tell the difference between these two kinds of pain too, like establishing personal baselines and paying attention to posture and other elements that could be exacerbating pain unnecessarily – but as a very, very general guide, those are a few of the things I think about.

Finally, I’ll say what I always am sure to at the end of this section of the class: pain that doesn’t meet these warning sign descriptions doesn’t automatically mean there isn’t harm being caused (especially with damage that accumulates, like nerve compression), and “good” pain may STILL be something that you reach an “I don’t want to be doing this anymore” point with, for any of a vast multitude of reasons… and that’s okay! Certainly, harm isn’t the only reason to end a scene, and I’d say that in an ideal world, that’s never what causes us to end a scene. So please don’t take from this that you shouldn’t stop if you are only falling in the “pain we can usually manage” zone.

Learning to differentiate between productive discomfort and harmful pain is a skill that develops with experience, and there’s no one-size-fits-all. I Love consensual pain (obviously), and I personally find that Suffering in a way that pushes back on what my brain wants to tell me is okay is exhilarating, and transformative, and incredibly intimate. And that’s something that’s most certainly achievable without it coming at the cost of long-term health or the activities we value most. The key, as with anything else that happens between people, is awareness, communication, and aiming to never stop learning about your (or your partner’s) own body and mind.

————–

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Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

So you want to DECREASE your pain tolerance…

Major nerdery ahead. You’ve been warned.

If you’ve been around for a bit, it won’t be much of a surprise to you that I’m frequently asked how to increase pain tolerance – that is, how to increase endurance and *decrease* the kind of sensitivities that require one to disengage from a scene before one is ready. In fact, I teach these coping mechanisms at this point. But recently, @BlackBoxOnFet asked me about ways to decrease pain tolerance — and while it’s not the first time I’ve been asked, that one’s definitely a bit rarer.

It’s something I think about sometimes myself. I am a masochist in the sense that consensually-provided acute pain often actually feels like pleasure to me, but I also enjoy suffering as service, something that I can’t do when I’m enjoying everything that’s happening to me. (My tolerance and simultaneous desire for suffering is part of why I love emotional S/m so much.) People might also want to decrease their pain tolerance because they are recognizing that in an effort to hurt more, their play is getting more dangerous than they’d like (or than their partner is okay with). And having a high pain tolerance is not without its risks, either — biologically, pain exists to warn us that something is wrong, and when we are used to ignoring pain, we may be less likely to notice signs of trouble that require urgent adjustments or treatments — so there may be safety *benefits* to decreasing tolerance in some cases.

Still, decreasing pain tolerance could be a tricky, dangerous game with big ethical implications. So let me be clearer than ever: consent is paramount. If you are a top, please do not engage in any of the following without your bottom requesting you to or other intensive negotiation. Without active initiative of the masochist, this is something that could result in anything from distrust to loss of self-esteem to an increase of sensitivity to chronic pains that that person hasn’t told you about, reducing their quality-of-life. So please understand this is but one simple blog post of ideas. Actively implementing them is an undertaking that should come with careful ethical, logistical, and end results-based consideration.

Method One: Changes to the Play Itself

This came as no surprise to me, but research confirms that pain is less well-tolerated when it is A) unexpected or B) something that cannot be avoided — something that happens in bondage of some sort. I think of a scene I once had in which I was pulled right out of a shower and zip-tied into a chair, meaning that I was both surprised by the pain to come (versus my usual planning, where I know when a scene will occur and can consider it and prepare mentally) and I was unable to engage in some of my movement-based coping. The feeling of being trapped also can increase fear, which does correlate to a lower tolerance.

Variety is another easy answer that maybe not everyone considers. I don’t just mean between toys that do basically the same thing as each other, though that too, but where on the body something is being inflicted, or what kind of play. I love impact. I love needles. I don’t so much love electricity. Though I’d say that subjectively, much of the impact I’ve engaged in has *hurt* more, I am less able to tolerate even less-painful electricity, partially because it isn’t something I’ve spent as much time getting used to.

Impact on wet skin, anecdotally (and from a bunch of people I’ve talked to as well), has decreased tolerance for me—or at least increased pain intensity (which is a bit different, but I think is still what people are sometimes asking with this).

And finally, there’s simply taking a break… hitting the reset button. Anecdotally, this has looked like anything from a few months to nearly a year in order to make a difference. Time away from intentional pain both recalibrates your body and mind to the sensations, and decreases the “I know what I’m doing; I can handle this” factor (and confidence in your ability to “take” pain absolutely increases your tolerance.)

Method Two: Simply Not Engaging in Tolerance-Increasing Activities

Another approach is consciously choosing not to engage in activities that can increase pain tolerance. Stripping away familiarity creates a more raw and intimate experience with pain and it often also demands a deeper level of self-awareness that’ll benefit you as a bottom in multiple realms. (There are lots of things here that just have to do with “healthy choices increase pain tolerance” and I am 100% NOT advocating you intentionally do the opposite. There are other options.)

Some of the research I share in my pain processing class is relevant here, but in looking at studies for this one, I found a few interesting things I’ll be implementing in my own play. Swearing, for instance, can increase pain tolerance by 33% (Stephens and Robertson, 2020), so purposefully abstaining from this linguistic release might take away that previously-used coping mechanism and make for a lower pain tolerance. Similarly, listening to preferred music has been found to increase pain tolerance (Timmerman et al., 2023). Though I don’t know that *disliked* music will *decrease* your pain tolerance, it’s worth knowing things like this, if a lower pain tolerance is your goal, so that you can purposefully avoid putting that extra buffer around your scenes.

Similarly, one study found that playing an FPS game *increases* pain tolerance as compared to a golf game — this attributed it to the higher arousal (Stephens and Allsop, 2012) — and another one found that it increases it as compared to a racing game, but did *not* attribute it to arousal (Teismann et al, 2014). (CW – this study, should you want to look it up, is about suicidality, but pain tolerance was one of the measures they used. I think it’s a flawed study in a number of ways but the pain thing is interesting to me.) So if you warm up for play with a nice lil game of Apex Legends or GTTOD or Titanfall 2, maybe don’t.

There are probably other safe-ish options here. One study found that the consumption of sweet foods increased pain threshold in adult males (Kakeda et al., 2008), so perhaps that falls under the “avoid this because it’ll give a buffer” category. And though this isn’t part of this category exactly, another study I found interesting gathered that “extended exposure to palatable food followed by abstinence from it induced a significant change in pain perception, leading to increased pain sensitivity” (Cifani et al., 2020), where palatable meant food that was high in sugar, fat, and salt — but this study was done in rats sooo I have no idea if it would replicate (and any kind of diet control has inherent risks that can be quite major, depending.)

Method Three: Things that Require Extreme Caution

There are a lot of those “research shows this increases pain tolerance things” that I would never, ever, ever recommend you purposefully engage in denying yourself/your bottom for a whole variety of reasons and will not mention here. But there are other things that could be done ethically and with fewer possible health risks. Still, note that these do have an increased level of risk, so once more… let this be a bottom-led initiative, and consider your risk profile very carefully.

Things in this category might include playing with less warm-up, which can intensify the impact of sudden, hard hits. But let me emphasize here that I’m talking about neglecting to warm-up with toys, not neglecting to warm up your body. It remains paramount to joint health that you bring your body through its full range of motion in order to both check in with yourself and your body awareness and to ensure that you are never making a sharp, sudden movement in a scene for the first time that day, increasing the chance of pulled tendons and the like.

Negative moods are also correlated with decreased pain tolerance (Tang et al., 2008), and one could intentionally choose to place scenes at these times by negotiating ahead of time. However, depending on the individual and the cause of the mood, these factors may also reduce the ability to accurately judge a situation and potentially leading to consent issues or trauma responses — or to a dependency on using kink to cope, rather than actually dealing with and managing your negative emotions. If you are a bottom, be sure that you discuss these with your top and get their consent just the same as they should be doing when it comes to things that’d affect you, as they may not be comfortable with these possibilities and their implications.

The last thing I’ll put here is that simply receiving threatening information about impending pain can decrease tolerance (Jackson et al., 2010). This could take the form of a top exaggerating, or telling the bottom about real risks without how likely they are. I know some might not see this as one of the “caution” options. However, I also strongly believe in bottoming education and that masochists must remain educated about the type of pain play they’re engaging in so that they can accurately judge if it’s within their risk profile and evaluate warning signs in the moment, so I wouldn’t personally recommend this with any kind of new partner. Research every new thing you try just as much as you expect your top to — otherwise, you have no way of verifying that said top actually did do this research and learn what they needed to to keep you safe.

Method Four: Mind Tricks

And that brings me to the realm of mind tricks — mindfucks, if you prefer — intentional manipulations that do require careful negotiation and enthusiastic consent, as they often take the same form as gaslighting. And hey, I’m into that, but if you don’t take caution here, you could destroy trust in a relationship (or at all) or induce a number of other negative psychological consequences.

The most obvious of these, to me, is hypnosis. I’ve recently had some of the most terrifying scenes of my life in this realm. It also has fucked with me in a number of ways. I love it; don’t do it without talking to far more experienced hypnosis bottoms (and tops!) than I about the challenges, methods, and risks.

There’s also the option of using conditioning — associating something you want to be more painful with a known phobia or perceived threat. Be careful, because conditioning is… well… effective. While fear of pain does decrease tolerance to that pain, that might not stay in the play-only realm, and we do need to be able to accept some amount of pain in our daily lives.

Finally is a fun one I learned about from @Neuromancer28: complimenting someone right before hurting them makes it hurt more. I haven’t tried this myself, buuuuut I did let my Owner know about it today so I imagine I’ll be testing it soon, heh. There’s incentive here for sadists to build their bottoms up, in general, and that’s the one thing in this list I think that sadists should feel totally free to go for without negotiation, heh. Better self-esteem, in general, seems to be linked to a decreased pain tolerance (Hooley et al., 2010). That citation is listed in this amazing list of Neuromancer28’s on Fetlife, along with many other pieces of interesting pain tolerance research that will likely be of interest to you if you’ve been liking this writing so far. He’s my go-to when it comes to science-backed kink stuff and also just generally awesome.

So to my friend who asked and anyone else, those are my thoughts. Thanks for the prompt. It was a great way to look at some more recent research and update the class, and I read all sorts of things that I’ve found really interesting (like this one, which found that pain tolerance in men goes up after a success and down after a failure, but the opposite is true in women) and got to really nerd out over here. (Goldberg et al., 2000).

Once more, every method discussed should only be employed with full consent and a thorough evaluation of associated risks — but there are very valid reasons bottoms may want to reduce pain tolerance for a period of time, and if that’s you, maybe there’s something new to try here. For those more interested in the opposite (or those looking to learn more about things that increase tolerance to make use of in my second method group here), I hope I’ll see you at “Make Me a Masochist: Changing Your Relationship with Pain” at some point in the future.

But what about you? Do you have any safe-ish methods to reduce pain tolerance to share?
Join the conversation in the comments on Fetlife!

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

*On if “Make Me a Masochist” is an Impossible Goal

I recently came across a status with concerns about classes with titles like the one for one of my own most popular classes, “Make Me a Masochist: Changing Your Relationship with Pain.” I don’t begrudge the person who wrote it (or anyone who replied to it feeling similarly) for their concerns. Nevertheless, I *do* stand by the title, and I want to tell you why — partially for people who might not be sure if the class is for them, and partially for anybody who thinks there’s nothing they can do for their pain tolerance.

This is a slightly edited version of my response to that comment. A warning: I’m going to spoil the magic.

I agree. You can’t just make someone a masochist in the pain = pleasure way. More on this in a second. The “Make Me a Masochist” title is a quote of something that gets said to me pretty often and why the class was originally developed and I think it’s an actively bad/impossible request.

I *also* think the “I want to take more” rhetoric is actively dangerous and harmful… very much so. Even more so, the desire to get bigger bruises. It’s a huge problem and [something I write and speak against pretty frequently.](https://fetlife.com/users/3055227/posts/3428272) That said, a friend corrected me years ago on a misbelief that masochism could only mean directly interpreting pain as pleasure. In how “masochism” was initially defined, when it was considered a mental illness (another issue entirely, but I digress!), it simply meant enjoying or desiring pain. That’s it. The definition, it turns out, did not actually differentiate between if it’s actually enjoying pain physically, just enjoying suffering, or enjoying receiving pain for other reasons.

If someone is taking the class, I assume they (or their partner(s) on their behalf) are already interested in this. They all have their own reason why they want to enjoy their S/m scenes more or have them last longer, be that intimacy, suffering for service, or whatever it may be. So they’re masochists. Congrats: if you’re coming to the class, you’ve likely already qualified for this category without me.

There are 100% real pain processing techniques that can be used in the moment to help get past the catastrophizing of pain to help you be able to focus more on those reasons. A real-world case-in-point? Lamaze breathing. Now, acute pain is very different from other pain processing techniques, something I know well as someone who is disabled. Pain in scene is a totally different ballgame from pain when I’m balled up in bed unable to move, but those acute processes certainly can be helpful and taught for some (though I’m sure not all) — I’ll never forget after teaching this class at a convention when, the next day, someone told me they used something they learned in class to get their heavy luggage out to their vehicle! Moreover, there are small things in how bottoms warm up for, move and operate within, and treat their bodies after scenes that sets them up for failure. Knowing these things can help more than we realize.

The class description itself usually gives a fairly accurate rundown of what I teach in summary. That being said, here are a few of the concrete things that I go over:

  • The kinds of habits that help us to recover from and evaluate pains in daily life, so that we can start scenes from the best possible place for our individual bodies (rather than from elevated pain levels that already decrease scene time to get to our personal limits)
  • Body awareness and what the physical differences are between “good pain” and “bad pain” so that we can talk our minds out of catastrophizing things that aren’t emergency issues and that we can better evaluate when an actual physical “I have to stop this now for my own safety and future scenes” occurs
  • Mobility and warm-up techniques, one of my areas of actual expertise, as the way many kinksters stretch before scenes actually creates micro-trauma in muscles that will again change the “starting point” of a scene and decrease time to personal limit
  • Ways to collaborate productively and additively with tops during and post-processing scenes based on our own experiences so that they are setting us up for success, too

My own philosophy as an educator here is that managing your relationship with pain is multi-systemic and involves behaviors that are both constant and consistent. There *are* in-the-moment techniques that work for some, but that’s just one portion of my class and I think probably the case for most who get asked to teach this sort of thing regularly. If someone doesn’t want to enjoy S/m, I can’t make them. But if something is getting in their way? Maybe I have strategies that help.

Body/mind/exercise science, communication and relationship skills, and personal mindfulness and body awareness are certainly all teachable. Nobody should ever feel obligated to learn them. Nobody should ever feel like being able to “take more pain” is needed for anyone, themselves or anybody else. But if they want to? If that’s an active desire? There’s nothing wrong with learning or teaching the above. That much, I feel sure of.

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

Why be a masochist…? Why play video games? **

When I talk to masochists who want to up their pain processing, one of the places I start is: why? Why are you doing this? Why do you want to do it more?

When you examine your answers, maybe you find that you’re actually not someone that needs to “take more pain” to go where you want to go. Maybe you uncover information that your partner(s) can use to help guide you through difficult moments. Or maybe you find something that easily gives way to a mantra, a tone-setting ritual, or some other way of grounding yourself in the experience.

Or maybe it’s just interesting to think about every now and again.

Anyway, it’s a question people struggle with. As do I. My answer as to “why do you like pain?” is generally something like “I just do.” And true, some of us just have those crossed wires. But really, we don’t think too much about why we like what we like in life. It’s no different than if someone asks a gamer why they like video games. Probably, a lot would reply “I just do.”

In actuality, there’s research as to why (that I think my Owner actually participated in lol?) and it turns out there are individual, differentiated reasons for it. And funnily enough, I think many of them might mirror reasons why people enjoy pain. Now, these won’t necessarily encompass all of yours, and you’re almost certainly a combination of some, and they certainly can apply to other roles, and other asterisk-based statements here — but I think it’s a good place to start.

I’ve listed them below, with each description a real sentence from the article I found listing them with just a few words changed to fit our purposes. They’re just excerpts, so I recommend the original article if you’re interested in the gamer side of things. (Note: this isn’t the official research results—which I know exist somewhere—but it’s the source I used.)

Why people play video games–or with pain:

Competency / Measurable Progress
People like to progress. It feels great to work hard on something and see positive results. Some forms of pain are harder for some to tolerate than others – high level of difficulty to become masterful. However, trying those same forms of pain also helps beginners get involved by giving them positive reinforcement for the little good things they do. They get rewards the more they play. And the more they play, the more masterful they become.

Novelty
Novelty or variety keeps life interesting, fun, and engaging.

Building Relationships
Playing with others is a bonding experience. You feel closer to the people you play with because you share a common goal.

Relaxation
When the world around us is busy, chaotic, and stressful, immersing yourself in a captivating, relaxing or not-so-relaxing scene is nice.

Escapism
When it feels we can’t control our lives, jumping into a contained world is relieving. Maybe we are trying to get away from school or work problems. Or you don’t feel you have direction in your life. Whatever the case, escaping into a scene can relieve situational problems.

Internal Exploration
Play allows you to take on any identity you want. You can be a confident, strong warrior in a scene but feel timid and weak in real-life. Play can give you the space to be yourself and explore different personalities in a safe environment. This gives players comfort in being able to freely explore thoughts and feelings they might not feel comfortable doing anywhere else.

I’d imagine most of us fit somewhere here to some degree. Even if it’s entirely service for you, that’s building relationships, and even if it’s something that you feel “I don’t know, it just feels good”—okay. I’ll stop analyzing. We like what we like.

And of course, there’s the final one, and the most important: games are fun! Play is supposed to be fun too. Don’t let yourself lose that in the pursuit of more whatever. We like what we like—whyever we like it. Sometimes, that’s enough.

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

The Making of a Masochist: coda to “Changing Your Relationship with Pain”

[This was imparted directly from my class notes; please forgive typos or things that don’t make perfect sense at the moment.]

A few years ago, I wrote Changing Your Relationship with Pain, and I’ve been lucky enough to present on it a time or two since then. At a class in the fall, I was approached after by a kind gentleman who said, “Okay, you taught us how to process pain, but how to I learn to enjoy it?” I didn’t have a good answer for him, and have been thinking about it since–how I perceive my Owner as reinforcing my masochism, how I see others doing/not doing it, and so forth. In the initial writing, I put that actually, I can’t make you a masochist; I can just teach you to process better. I think I have an answer now, or at least something to try.

In thinking about classical conditioning, we work to create responses that are automatically associated with a stimulus. Pavlov rings a bell when the dog gets food, and eventually, it salivates by the bell alone. Pavlov doesn’t ring the bell after they eat. If he did, they would associate the bell with feeling full.

I think where most people go wrong with this in inducing masochism is in giving rewards.

This isn’t to say that rewards aren’t an important part of many of our dynamics; they are. But they won’t achieve this particular effect.

Whether the intention of a scene you set earlier is sexual, pride, etc, there’s a desired outcome, and far too often we give that outcome as a reward, by which we mean after the scene. “Endure ten zaps with the cattle prod, and I’ll give you an orgasm.” “If you stay in that position for two more minutes, I’ll be very proud of you.” That’s great, and can be a great dynamic and is definitely a way I play a lot—but what it is teaching your body and brain is that the reward comes from being done with pain, when what you really want is for your brain to see them as the same thing. To that end, I think the best way of getting there is to ensure that the reward (whether that’s sexual, romantic, a “you’ve pleased me,” “you look so hot right now,” or whatelse) happens at the moment right before and continuing into during the highest moment of the scene. That whatever causes the good feeling you want out of a scene happens at what would normally be the hardest to endure. Eventually, this should turn the hardest thing into the good feeling. And as per what we know about conditioning and when it works best… these rewards should be a random, not-all-the-time guaranteed thing. Now, work within the confines of your dynamics and limits, of course. But that’s what makes sense based on the science.

I’m not a psychologist; I’m not even a sadist. I can’t guarantee this will work for you. If you’re a bottom looking to increase this, this might seem like something strange to communicate in your negotiations. But maybe, just maybe, it’s something to try.

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

clarity: why suffer?*

“Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart.”

There are days I wish I wasn’t a masochist. Sure, sometimes He hits so hard it gets around those wires crossed in my brain which can make it feel like pleasure, and sure, I know how to process pain. But the secret is that many days, I use that knowledge to actively choose not to. I choose to suffer instead.

I want to. I want it so often. Want to be made to scream things that go against my worldviews until I’m not sure what I believe, want to sob thinking of what former selves would say about me now, want to fear coming around the corner, want to sit alone crying without aftercare, want to have nightmares, want to yell out my terror that my bones will break. I crave it. It gives me clarity. I don’t know how to live without it.

I don’t pretend it’s normal. Those wires are crossed for me just as the others are.

On Friday, Owner and I are going to play at a costume party as Tyler Durden and Marla Singer. I’m looking forward to it more than I do many scenes, because I know whips, and I know methodical impact, but to be kicked, punched… sure, I have been, but not continually. Not without anything in between. Not until breaking. I’ve never been beaten up. I don’t want to not have that experience anymore.

How could I want something like that? Why suffer? Why actually hurt? Actually feel sorrow? Actually feel pain?

It’s service, for some. Knowing what their partner wants and subjecting themselves to it is a sign of their desire and willingness to give. It’s also power exchange. That’s where I’m at, at least in part. Anyone can hurt me in a way that makes me feel good; that’s natural for me. To bring me to suffering you must be a force which can truly control me.

But that’s not it. That’s not what I mean when I say clarity, a word which has recently become part of my ever-growing vahavta-specific vocabulary.

Why suffer? How could I want this?

To suffer is to know existence, to see what I call God. It is self-actualization. It is a spiritual experience. Suffering is recognizing that I am human, that there is a full range of human experience out there to feel. These emotions which control me so intensely on a daily basis — they aren’t the peak of it. There is always deeper. Darker. There are places I haven’t gone yet in this world. If the suffering can bring me lower than my own depression, if it outweighs what my own mind can do, there is something more powerful. *He* is more powerful. My demons go quiet.

To suffer is to be brought low. Suffering shows me the violence internal to the mundane of this life. It lets me master it. Survive. I cannot feel anything about surviving something I just enjoy. I cannot grow stronger from it — but when I am brought back up from destruction, I know more about myself than I did before. The boundaries of sensation and sentiment expand, and like a gas, my spirit grows to fill them. In the after, there is no limit to my limits.

But in those most poignant moments—those right between collapsing in gratitude that it is all over and coming back to myself—there is nothing in my mind. There is nothing I need. It is quiet, impossibly calm waters, seamless with my breath the way the sky and ocean were one night when I stepped outside on the pier and everything was black, black, suspended in that second. It is clear, this mind, this heart, this thing that I am, absent of the befores-and-afters, the analogies and constant associations. It is lower, it is higher, it is suffering, it is coming back anew.

“May I never be complete.
May I never be content.
May I never be perfect.
Deliver me, Tyler, from being perfect and complete.”

This stems from an ongoing discussion I’m in with people who have stated they don’t understand and have absolutely no desire to watch scenes that involve people subjecting themselves to real pain. I mean absolutely no disrespect to the people sharing their views in that discussion and am appreciative of your giving me a reason to think about a thing that has seemed obvious to me. I also do not intend in any way, shape, or form to imply that enjoying or not enjoying suffering is the better or stronger or more enlightened way to do things — this is simply how I experience it.

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

Changing Your Relationship With Pain

NOTE: This is a highly condensed version of a class I now teach. It has been slightly edited recently, but is vastly in need of more. 

Since joining the more public fetish community, I’ve frequently received messages–first, from people who’d seen me scene in public, then from people who’d seen pictures of me post-scene on mine or another’s profile—asking how to get through those tough scenes. I’ve decided to compile a few of the responses I give. I hope some of you find it helpful.

I cannot teach you to be a masochist.

I came to the scene and my relationship already craving pain and destruction. It’s hard-wired in my brain. There’s a reason the DSM once considered masochism a mental disorder (though this in itself is problematic). Since the initial writing of this post, I have thought about one idea, but I don’t know how it will work for folks in actuality.

Some things to note about this:

Being a masochist does not mean that I don’t feel pain.
I definitely feel pain. I definitely suffer. I definitely scream and cringe and hurt. I just like it. I also usually have a ‘switch over’ moment where I stop hurting and start coming; sometimes it is after one hit and sometimes it takes a lot longer.

I don’t think I have a high pain tolerance.
But I’m frequently told otherwise. What does this mean? It means if you’re feeling like you “don’t take enough” because of the way you do or don’t mark, the length of your scenes, etc, it’s pretty possible that actually, you’re taking a lot more than the average bear. Imposter syndrome is alive and well in kink. We have a tendency to think we aren’t doing as well because we are on Fet, seeing pictures of cool scenes and awesome marks. But think about it–if people aren’t doing cool scenes or come away with no marks, they aren’t posting it. Don’t fall victim to that availability heuristic.

@AccidentalFlirt adds: “pain tolerance is not a competition… you shouldn’t aspire to be able to take pain in the same way that someone else can. You should only aspire to take as much as YOU can… and that tolerance level changes.”

Being a masochist is not required for a D/s relationship.
You can learn to take pain without enjoying it at all physically and enjoy the service aspect. In fact, a D/s relationship doesn’t have to include pain at all! If your top-y person wants you to enjoy pain and you just really, really, do not – you may just be mismatched. Sorry, just like one might be mismatched in terms of libido, religion, politics, or anything else, if that’s an important aspect of the relationship to you or your partner, that’s something to consider.

As I’ve taught and worked with this material for a while now, I’ve come to realize that all the advice I give comes down to one main thing. If you read nothing further, I hope this will help.

My number one tip is this:

Learn what pain you might be able to and what pain you shouldn’t continue with.
Knowing what you actually shouldn’t handle may help you to remind yourself “this is okay.” Generally speaking, though there are always exceptions, Bad Pain may be in the joints, a very specific location, not where you expect it (being hit in the thigh but feeling pain in your stomach), cause stabby breathing, does not decrease with breaks, or involve a sound, among other things. Good Pain in my experience is muscle or skin pain, comes in ‘waves’ as you adjust, throbs, and is where you would expect it to be. You are unlikely to get compartment syndrome. Bruises over bruises will not cause a pulmonary embolism. “Hitting over the kidneys” is rarely a thing to be concerned about (much less actually over the kidneys). Reading, going to classes, and the like—information meant for both tops and bottoms—is so important. The more you know, the more you can get out of your head. (That is not to say all resources are good resources, so read as much as possible and compare notes. I’ll take this moment to express my hate of the totally false endorphin load article that says they are released in levels and gives instructions as to what will make that happen and what each will do. Fuck that writing in particular.)

Additionally, prepare your body best to avoid these bad types of pain. Warming up is the best way to do that. I have a post with some information on how to do that properly here (hint: it isn’t yoga, probably.)

When you feel you are fully informed and can determine if the pain is something threatening to your well-being or not, you can better take a step back in the moment and say, “Oh, okay. Body, you aren’t in mortal danger. I can calm that fight-or-flight response. I can stop breathing heavily and screaming, because that is a reaction to being harmed, which I am not.” Your body doesn’t know I want this, it only knows if the ways you are reacting are the ways that you react to danger. I believe that the majority of the advice I can give you comes down to don’t cue your body to panic if it doesn’t have to.

The rest of the thoughts:

This post is designed for bottoms, so I can’t offer you techniques as far as impact, warming a bottom up, etc. I do have recommendations now on helping aid those on a mission to masochism. I also believe knowing the sorts of things I talk about here and attending other bottoming education classes will only help tops to become a better top.

Play with people that know you.
And that means that if you aren’t playing within a relationship or a situation where your partner knows you well, you need to get real good at communicating what you like and what your cues are. Shaking may be a sign of shock for one and a sign of extreme pleasure for another.

Know how your partners play.
Watch them. Ask them. Some sadists like to get the most out of only one implement. Some like to go in waves with breaks in between, starting at a warm-up level again each time. My Owner tends to escalate in terms of implement and strength throughout a scene. If you aren’t sure how to handle pain, it will help you to know how things are going to go.

@Miss-Sammi adds: “keep in mind, that each person wields implements differently. What might be a NO GO with one play partner, maybe a OH YES with another.”

Only play with people you’re capable of being completely honest with.*
Before, during, and especially after play.

Okay, now that that housekeeping is done, I’ll get down to the nitty-gritty. Here’s how I “handle” pain.

The Mental

Set an Intention
This is, as far as I’m concerned, the most important tip – and I offer no apologies if it sounds a little woo. Know your scene’s intention. How? Discuss it ahead of time. Know what both you and your play partner want to get out of it. Listen to the cues from your top, the little tidbits hidden in their talk about wanting you to suffer for them, or wanting to make you come. Play with people you know really well. Know, and know well, why you’re doing this scene. This could be for yours or their sexual pleasure, to serve by suffering, to serve by having a really great, connected scene, to go to the point of destruction for humiliation or the rebuild after, or any number of things. Figure it out – and then put that intention into a short, repeatable phrase. You can now repeat this with every strike, or when the pain gets to be a little too much. For me, this phrase might be “I am His,” “I will make Him proud,” “I am safe.”

Here’s a fun fact: your brain is easy to trick! If the scene is about giving you any sort of pleasure from pain, you can oftentimes get there by repeating to yourself something along the lines of “This is hot. I love this.”

Personal example: last week, my Owner took me for a whipping. It became very clear to me early on (from His body language, His urgency to start the scene, His words, and the way He used the whip) that this was not a scene about my pleasure whatsoever. This was about Him wanting to whip me, and for me to suffer from it. Period. This was about serving my sadist. My mantra for this scene was “this is for Him.”

Count down in small numbers.
If you’re going to be hit 200 times (or, more likely, at least in the scenes I do, some large but unplanned and unknown number), it doesn’t do well to think “I have AT LEAST 199 strikes left!” But you can always, always count to ten. This is another brain trick. Maybe you’ll be doing it 20 times. But you still have a small victory every tenth strike (or thirty seconds, or new position, if you’re doing some sort of non-impact play.) Like the mantra, this also gives you something else to focus on.

Smile.
Make a conscious effort to do so. Similar to the “I love this” placebo effect, you may be able to trick your brain into pleasure.
It’s also really sexy.

@Bloodybuzzard adds: “Laugh! If at all possible, giggle, chuckle, laugh. Find something amusing and laugh. It can alter your perception of things going on and there’s good medicine as well as endorphins in laughter.”

Stop aiming for bruises.
Seriously. A good half of my messages on this are people from both sides of the slash asking how to cause deeper bruising. Yes, some strikes and implements are more likely to bruise, but this depends much more on body composition and what you’ve been putting into yourself than that. It is NOT a reflection of how hard you played. Expecting it to be sets you or your partner up for feelings of failure and disappointment. Besides, if you play frequently, your body will learn to bruise less or build up “leather butt” – so the lack of color can be just as much of a trophy.

React.
Whatever that may mean for you. Holding it in will distract you from your real focus. Alternately, don’t. Sometimes consciously realizing “I don’t have to scream right now” and stopping will shut down the trauma response and switch you over to enjoyment.

@Passioned adds: “My tolerance is so-so prior to breaking down, and then once i start crying and sobbing it increases. i think it’s because once my Dom “breaks me” in the way that i need to be broken, i “give in” to the pain wand start embracing it without feeling shame about it.”

Remember why you are there.
Related to intention, consciously reminding yourself every so often that “I want to be here” can do wonders to calm down the trauma response that our brains default to.

The Physical

Learn to breathe.
Don’t assume you know how.

Practice taking a big breath for a second. Your stomach should be going out more than your shoulders are going up. This kind of breath is one that goes through your diaphragm. It maximizes the oxygen intake into your bloodstream and calms down your fight-or-flight response. It’s also very hard to do this properly quickly – if you’re breathing through your diaphragm, you can’t hyperventilate. If you breathe in a way that expands your chest over your abdominals, you’re making your life harder in every way. Stop it.
(If you don’t know what diaphragmatic breathing looks like, ask any singer.) I also find it helpful to breathe in the opposite direction of what is happening–exhaling as a needle slides *in* to my body, for example, or inhaling as I am hit (a forward motion).

Treat your body well pre-scene.
Treat your body well all the time. But especially if you’re going to get beat up, you need to eat protein and good sugars that day and drink water – so you don’t pass out, among other things.

Exercise, if that interests you.
Yep, this goes with the above, but there’s a secondary reason. Ever experience the “hump” in an aerobic exercise where you think you can’t do it anymore, and then you get past it and have a “second wind”? Get used to getting past it – and pay attention to what you do to get past it. This, too, is a form of “pain tolerance” – as well as an overall way to increase endurance. See here for more information on doing this correctly.

Negotiate for current-day body awareness.
When you negotiate, do not just include ongoing injuries. Take a second to check in with your body *that day* and communicate where it’s at. Have you been walking for a while, leaving your upper thighs more sensitive than usual? Are you tired or in an emotional place? This is important for your top to know. Give them the tools to help you. (If you aren’t good at body awareness and communication, may I humbly suggest my workbook? It’s got a whole section with exercises to work on this.)

Sexual pleasure, if that interests you.
Your brain automatically chooses pleasure over pain. Some people can take more pain while being sexually stimulated in some form. Careful, though – getting all the way to orgasm is a risky business. It’s gonna take you out of your head and screw up your breathing. Your pain tolerance may be zapped post-orgasm. But then, your sadist may know that…

Play more often.
Just like anything else. Of course, I’m assuming you all are rational people who are going to play because you WANT to play, with people you want to play with, and not just for the sake of increasing your tolerance for someone else. Like anything else, this takes practice. Last year, I left the country for four months. I knew when I got back, my first scene would be Hell.
(Awesome, awesome Hell.)

@acrosub adds: “Try thinking of each strike as a massage, feel the energy and immediately absorb it into your body. Let it sink into your muscles and breath it through your body. It dissipates the pain quickly.”*

[Note: I’ve found that the way for me to do this is to imagine the pain as a firework bursting across my body and spreading out.]

Untense your muscles/try a different position.
Actively take a deep breath with your shoulders up, and then release them fully. Stop sticking your neck forward. Swing your arms a bit and squat up and down during breaks to make sure you aren’t holding your muscles tight or your knees locked. I recently discovered that I enjoy pain significantly more while standing rather than on a spanking bench, presumably because how it keeps me from tensing my muscles in anticipation (since said muscles are in charge of keeping me upright.) Sometimes a small adjustment can change a feeling entirely. If where you are and what you’re doing isn’t working, don’t be afraid to try a small change like this rather than ending a scene.


All right, that’s what I got. I mainly wrote this to link to people who message me in the future, but please love and share if you find it helpful. I teach this as a class occasionally, so do check in on my newsletter if you want to hear when I’m teaching it next, or ask your favorite event organizer to host me! And please, do add your own strategies in the comment section on Fetlife! Happy hurting!

Posted by vahavta