how I do things

Jan

2024

My considerations for play re hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS)

Necessary Disclaimers

This is not written to be about anybody else’s possible experience with Ehlers-Danlos or their play, only my own. I do not cover all our play or all my symptoms, nor do I attempt to reckon with the relative intensity of either.
This is also not a user’s guide meant to help others play with me—I remain monogamous and this won’t be changing. So why write it? Because though my experience may not echo yours, though you may have more or less or different limitations than I do, my hope is that other people who have EDS or are playing with people who do are inspired to think or talk about something they haven’t. To this end, I’ve added a few quotes from others who shared their considerations with me as I typed this up and invite others with EDS to share in comments.
I also am writing this because I want you to know that if you have this diagnosis (or any other disability), you don’t have to feel your life is over or that you can’t do the things you used to love. You may have to modify many, you may not be able to do all of them, and this isn’t to say that anger, depression, and grief as a response isn’t valid—simply that adaptation and fulfillment remain possible.
Though I do some explaining where relevant, I’m not really going to get into what EDS is in great detail—I assume if you’re here you already know or at least are able to Google it—besides to say that there are 13 types, and all have differences. I am speaking from the lens of type III, hEDS. While still classified as rare, this is the most common subtype and what all those I quoted who identified their type named as well. I *will* link you to this, the Beighton score, which will tell you if you are hypermobile. (Hypermobility is not strictly the same as flexibility.) Many are hypermobile to some degree; you can be benignly hypermobile, pain-free, and never experience harm as a result of it. You can also have HSD, hypermobility spectrum disorder, where you do have musculoskeletal involvement and joint/pain damage without the collagen also affecting other bodily systems as in hEDS. Some people with HSD experience more disability than some people with hEDS—both are on spectrums.

Joint Hypermobility Considerations in Play

Rope

It is my aim to be non-prescriptive with the majority of writing, but here is where I will be for a second: it is extremely important that rope bottoms and tops know what hypermobility is and have a sense of how to identify and approach it. I have a theory that—for several reasons—hypermobile people are more drawn to disciplines where hypermobility can be used. Therefore, there is a higher proportion of hypermobile rope bottoms than some would expect. Unfortunately, though hypermobility does not always translate to hyper flexibility, it is commonly exploited when it does.

This was something that was made use of with me often in suspension. I did not feel active pain at the time and did not know it was a problem. I even encouraged it, so I don’t blame my rope top, though I now believe new rope tops do need education on this: in suspension, the influence of gravity + time = passive stretching, and where most people’s bodies would say, “I can no longer sustain this; this is incredibly painful. Take me out now!”, hypermobile ones will not until it’s far too late. They will not offer the same resistance “normal” bodies do that signals they can’t bend further. I would keep deepening into a stretch in a way that could be fine if I were doing it healthily, but I was not. This will eventually dislocate joints. And while I never had any full dislocations that resulted from suspensions, joint damage is also cumulative. I genuinely believe that I would not be disabled in the way I am now if I did not suspend frequently for the first 3 years of my adult life. I still would be eventually, most likely, but I think I sped that process up.

What this means for rope bottoms in general is that you are safest engaging your muscles the entire time you are suspended in flexy positions, and you should seek out rope tops that know this and will encourage this and will not tie you at your usual limit, knowing a position will likely deepen. Disciplines like circus and pole—ones that train you to achieve these positions in the air and using your strength instead of with the influencing factors of relaxation, pushing into the floor, and other elements you might see in yin yoga (as one example)—will help. I believe ShibariStudy has videos with mobility exercises for hypermobile bottoms and I have a post on healthy stretching relevant for everyone but particularly hypermobile bodies, here.

What this means for me is that I do not do rope suspension anymore.
[ADDITION, OCTOBER ’24: You can now hear more about this journey on episode 184 of RopePodcast, available on iTunes, on Spotify, or on SoundCloud! 🎉]

@LovelyDarkness says:

I strongly recommend working on building strength to actively control any hypermobility or extreme ranges of motion you go into. People often gravitate towards bendy poses in rope and the bottom may be sitting in the position completely or somewhat passively. This could be unknowingly putting strain on their already lax tendons and ligaments making them more susceptible to injury. Also, that strength will also benefit your joint stability in any vanilla activities you do. Also, keeping my partner up to date of what joints are currently being problematic and which muscles are strained.

Other kinds of bondage:

I am a twister and a puller. This makes anything where I have a joint strapped into place but the rest of my body can move a problem. Things like Saran Wrap mummification-style bondage? Great! I can’t pull any of my limbs in crazy ways like that at all, and that’s both good for me and bad for me (in the way I like.) Otherwise, I must be careful. If I’m being whipped on a cross at a party, you might see me holding on to attached cuff points–but I will rarely be strapped into them, because I will twist and pull away more than I should and that might lead to a shoulder dislocation. We have a four-point bed bondage system that we play with sometimes which has less risk to me because the gravity influence isn’t there, but my Owner has absolutely has had to remind me to flail less when in it.

@-Gingerr- says:

I like more of a primal type fight for dominance during actual sex as I tend to separate sex & kink. I can’t be in bondage, partial dislocations are common for me and I need to be able to manipulate my joints back into place if they move in a way they shouldn’t. Bondage wouldn’t allow me that freedom, but being physically held down, I can ‘yellow’ fix my joint quickly and get right back to it! Not being able to fix it quickly would cause me pain longer term.

More joint considerations in general:

Being choked out is one of my favorite activities. My Owner of course always guides me to the ground if we do this and I’m upright, but has to especially watch how I land because my knees will basically bend wherever they decide to. Recently I came to on the kitchen floor and just as soon as I was conscious enough, He pointed out to me that He had been unable to fully keep me from partially W-sitting so that I could correct it ASAP.
It used to be that when I kissed his boots, He would sometimes put weight on one of my hands with the other foot. It was always gently, but as I’m starting to have more wrist involvement lately and this is my biggest personal risk concern, I don’t know if this will be something that can safely part of our play going forward. We’ll just have to see.
As a sort of opposite point, needles are one of the types of play I engage more frequently in because they *don’t* involve joint hypermobility considerations. On a day I can’t be swatted around or thrown into a wall, I can still lie still and be a pincushion without needing much mobility at all.

@SweetWhisky says:

While [hypermobility] means I can be folded up and thoroughly fucked, it also means that if I safeword due to needing released from a tie, hold, or position, I need to be released immediately. While my body can do a great many things, if it decides it is done every second increases the pain and inflammation response.

@SassyShrugs says:

As a rule, I have to be careful with rope bondage and rough scenarios as it is easy to cause my shoulder or a knee to pop out and damage me. My right arm can’t handle being bound back/at certain angles and I cannot lay on my right side for any period of time. I have to be very cautious about what ties I allow done that will impact my chest/shoulders. I also cannot run (dislocate) and am hesitant about anything that might impact my knees.

Skin Considerations in Play

I scar easily and unpredictably; though we used to play often with scalpels (basically my favorite thing) and I have lasting scars from this, my largest is actually from a single-tail whip.
I also heal slowly. To go back to needles, needle sticks that might not cause giant dime-sized bruises on others may anyway on me. They often last 3-4 weeks, sometimes more. I bruise not as often everywhere with impact because my butt has gone gothmetal, but when I do, it’s often dark and large and near always heals slowly.
While my skin doesn’t break as easily as some in other varieties of EDS, I definitely have had swings from various impact tools split skin when we didn’t expect them to.
I see doctors much more frequently than others and sometimes at very little notice. This is something we must think about in combination with the above. I establish kink on every first doctor’s appointment and do not see them again if there’s any discomfort. Yes, I have been turned away from doctors for it.

@808KD says:

I’m also immunosupressed due to inflammatory arthritis. So my skin is fragile and I’m WAY more likely to get infections. But I also love implements like curry combs. So I have a rule that I don’t allow broken skin where I can’t see it. […] Before play I clean all implements very carefully, and I shower with Hibiclens after play.

Sex

Positions:

Most of my joint issues right now are in my upper body. I don’t have a lot of hip involvement currently, though they clunk a fair amount. Many with EDS use sex swings to reduce hip dislocation by stabilizing plane of motion. We do use props such as stacked pillows to support me, which frankly we did for pleasure long before I started learning about all this.
SweetWhisky mentions being foldable and fuckable and… yeah. My legs can be thrown back behind my head pretty much at a moment’s notice. This feels amazing and is one of my favorite ways to get fucked, and I know how to engage the appropriate muscles due to contortion lessons, but this falters with *ahem* less focus and it’s possible it does damage.
The best sex position for me at the moment is being fucked on my side in a kind of a fetal position with my hips elevated on a pillow, with Him kneeling upright next to me. This really allows us to minimize my movements and if I’m having a bad shoulder day, I can decide which side I am on accordingly. Since it keeps my hips together too, it will probably be a great position for us long into the future. It also gives easy access to my tits. (That’s not EDS-related. It’s just fun.)
The other most frequent with us is doggie style. When I’m in more pain, I actually do this putting a lot of weight on my knees/shins and face in addition to chest and sort of putting my hands on either shoulder in a coffin type position. Again, this minimizes movement. There are days when I can’t find a good position for my neck doing this but am still horny, which brings me to…
I can kick off sex with blowjobs on my knees for a short while and sometimes can give them with Him lying down and myself on both hands and knees, doing a more push-up type motion than anything else—but for the most part, I end up making too much movement for my unstable neck and shoulders to do either for long. But by far the easiest of any kind of sex for me is—yes, I’m serious—lying down and having my face fucked. On a memory foam contoured pillow, my head doesn’t move much at all doing this, and Him straddling my chest and arms keeps them in place. And I have no gag reflex at all anymore in this position and think it’s hot AF. So yes, yes, it’s true. In my most out-of-commision-but-still-sexy state, my best way of getting sexual connection is having my mouth turned into a passive hole. Lucky me, I’m a broken little thing in other ways and can get off to this the way my Owner does it. YMMV.

@808KD says:

Jaws suck to put back into place. So I prefer to use an open mouth gag for throat fucking. It keeps jaw fatigue to a minimum and I won’t get overzealous and open too wide and dislocate my jaw.

Pelvic organs:

Something worth mentioning is that—by some estimates—more than 50% of all those with a uterus will experience pelvic organ prolapse at some point in their life. Most of this will occur at the very least after childbirth, and often not until menopause. There’s a population likely to have them much younger even when not having ever given birth and if you guessed that’s people with EDS, you’re right! This is actually what led me to my official diagnosis.

I have a kind of prolapse called a cystocele. It’s not visible from the outside and my Owner has said that it’s not something that He can pick up on. It was noticeable enough to me to get it diagnosed, but since that happened, I either stopped feeling it or just got acclimated to it enough that I don’t notice. It won’t get better. I can only try to prevent it getting worse. The use of overlarge toys was never an interest of mine or part of our play, and it probably won’t become one in the future for this reason.

At the appointment where I learned about my cystocele and the EDS connection, I was told that to avoid rectal prolapse, I should not have anal again. This was very sad for me as I was able to come from it, but that’s just how it be sometimes. I’ve had other EDS people say their doctors saw no problem with it, so consult your own professionals. (Update 2024: recently, we’ve had some progress in my disappointment in this in that it turns out hypnosis is very effective on me! I will not be taking further questions at this time. *hides immediately*)

@-Gingerr- says:

EDS & childbirth gives a higher chance for a prolapse (note for education here, there are 4 stages of prolapse and only 2 involve organs outside the body, the other 2 are just a slightly lower placement than ‘normal’ inside the body). My cervix will always sit lower in my pelvis now than it should and no amount of kegels will improve it further than the progress I’ve already made. Part of this is psychological, I like to be filled when I have an orgasm, preventing my cervix from moving further down as my muscles squeeze during an orgasm. If im not filled I worry my cervix will move further down again and cause long term discomfort. Secondly because its always a bit lower, some sexual positions will always hit my cervix no matter the size of dick I’m being penetrated by. I enjoy a little bit of masochism but there’s only so much of a cervix beating I can take so some positions are for minimal time, or not at all.

Birth control

If and when childbirth is a thing for me, there are a number of potential complications. Luckily, I have the best possible OBGYN for this. Still, because it’s very very important this not be a thing for me til I’m ready, birth control became even more of a priority for me than ever before.
I was always super sensitive to birth controls and paid hundreds of dollars a month at one time to keep from having to take a kind that turned me into a demon (ACA is not a match for a particularly predatory patent.) My very EDS-knowledgeable OBGYN puts all her patients in this category on the lowest estrogen pill possible. Though YMMV, it is my doctor’s belief that none of her patients with EDS should ever be on a progesterone-only pill (minipill) or use the shot and that we be very careful with the implant or IUDs as we may have a heightened tendency to have them move out of place. I am inclined to take her advice.
At the time I met her—right after I became aware of my pelvic organ prolapse—I was a few weeks post-taking the morning-after pill. I never want to take that again in my life; it was a nightmare for me, and therefore, my daily pill is even more important and something that would need to be thought about for any multi-day scene. Plan B works by using enough progesterone to make your body think you are already pregnant, therefore preventing a pregnancy from taking. It is possible that the complications I experienced then were a direct result of the hormones already telling my lax body to relax more.

Heart, Vasovagal, and Dysautonomia Response

POTS is not necessarily always part of EDS, but it’s highly comorbid. Being upside-down could cause me to pass out or have some other response in this realm; since suspension is no longer a thing for me, this isn’t such a big category for me these days. However, hydration is a big way I manage these symptoms and is something I prioritize every day and especially on play days and throughout play.

@SweetWhisky says:

My tachycardia is easily triggered, though being horizontal means I almost never pass out. What does happen easily for me is constant adrenal surges and tachycardia. This paves the way for subspace to be a rather easily achieved goal with me. However, this also means that intense sex almost always means recovery to a level like I’ve been having panic attacks. It means intense exhaustion can be a very real thing. I’m also a squirter to a serious level, which can leave me heavily dehydrated. Coupled with the tachycardia and adrenal surges, this can be hell on my body.

@LovelyDarkness adds:

extreme reactions to temp. If its too cold I loose circulation and get a Raynaud’s attack, if its too hot, my extremities swell and I get dizzy. So I need my play environment to be a safe temp. for me. Additionally, with my autonomic system out of wack, it can impact things like being able to orgasm. So, being aware and communicating that is just my body and not a reflection on my enjoyment of sex or my partner’s sex skills.

@sadie writes in-depth about experiences to this end on Fetlife here.

The All-Encompassing “Other”

There are a few other factors I have to think about when it comes to EDS and kink. Big ones right now are

I have some issues with bladder proprioception (I can’t always tell when I really have to pee, leaving me sitting for an hour or more at a time waiting for it to happen sure that it will any second) and sometimes GERD. I have a comorbid Chiari Malformation which causes migraines. Managing these is a consideration of mine on planned play days especially, to be sure.
MCAS is another common comorbidity. Since we don’t know what I’ll have an allergic reaction to, I now have epi-pens in my bedroom and my car. At any party we go to in the future, one will come in a playbag.
Disability makes me more dependent on my Owner’s support, both emotional and financial, and this can affect how people come to the table in terms of consent. We communicate extremely well but I try to self-audit frequently as to how this fact pertains to our communication, especially in light of the sometimes very intense emotional S/m we engage in. (I also fetishize it for that. Hey, we all have our thing(s).)
The biggest effects on my play are the more general, cumulative ones where the associated pain and fatigue has lessened both how often I can play and how often I can be surprised by it. Though this may have happened organically over time anyway, having fewer days I can play as physically as I’d like absolutely have been aided by us developing major interests in emotional play, as well as other sorts of play like needles. But this can be a cause of depression and even breakdowns for me. I want Him to throw me into walls at random and that’s just not the life I can live anymore. I want Him to not care I’m in severe pain and fuck me anyway. Sometimes He will—to a point. Mostly, He won’t. His risk profile for me is higher than my risk profile for myself. In exchange, I tell Him about all the little changes I may experience, good or bad, so He can make these decisions. That’s why our no-safeword TPE works.
My Owner also learns about all this and its potential solutions for me alongside me (largely by patiently listening to me read things aloud and ramble), theorizes with me about connections, and attends any relevant appointments He can. This is so important to our being able to play safely.

This all kind of sounds like a lot put like this. It isn’t, in practice. Each element kind of gets added and figured out as you go and you change things and they just become integrated into your life.

I am grateful for this life. It also isn’t the one I wanted. I am grateful for my person. He is the one I always want. I feel like a burden often. He does His best to talk me out of it. Not everyone has someone like this and I know this and value it deeply. I thought I’d have more to say in this paragraph and I don’t. Simply: it just be like that sometimes. We keep going anyway.

I’ve added quotes from people throughout as I could, and invite anyone else to add their info as relevant below if you’d like. If you want to write a full note about this or already have one, let me know and I’ll add the link to the list below. I’ll also add to this as things change over my life. Finally, if you have some other health condition or limitation and want to write a note about how you use it to manage play, please send me a link. One day, time and resources allowing, I intend to make lists for the Risk Evaluation Database allowing people to search by health consideration in addition to by kind of play.

Links from others:
Nath wrote about their experience with their EDS as a top here.

You can find the original Fetlife version of this post, which has some additional thoughts and responses from others in the comments, by clicking here.

Jan

2024

I’m better at service when I suck at it.*

As a service submissive, I’ve often thought “acts of service” is an inadequate love language category. Without knowing why service means something to you or your loved one, you lack the needed information to do it properly. If the reasons behind your appreciation for service are solely in time and labor spent, solely in the idea of putting in work for somebody else proportionate to care for them, this writing *may* not be for you.

But if you are in the many of us who engage in service because we want our loved ones to have (or want them to want us to have) nice things around, or lives that are somewhat easier and allow for more time for hobbies and each other, or no need to think about the small things that must get done, or something in that vein, I have a somewhat unusual proposition: the key to good service is to do it poorly.

My Owner had me learn to cook for Him. These days, I’m fairly in charge of everything related to what we eat, and while I’ll ask His input when I’m meal planning, what He really cares about is that we have dinner and that it’s relatively healthy.

But when I started, I thought that good service was the service that I put the most of myself in to. I made fairly elaborate meals with two sides every night, tried to make sure I didn’t repeat them pretty much ever, and saw more work as better.

And I always minced my own garlic.

Lives are tough. Many of us balance taking care of children or parents, health issues of our own, work, creative pursuits, community obligations and roles, and more. We go through bursts of being able to get it all down, or bursts of focus on one or two of these in particular. And we burn out. We have phases of “doing it well” and “not doing it.” Or we give up a category or three here and there, or become personally miserable.

Okay, and then what?
Are our partners’ lives still easier if they’re managing our stress breakdowns all the time, or if we don’t have energy left to give them our best?
Do they really have less to worry about if we are every so often going to need to lie in bed for a week recovering?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should slack off on what is expected of you. I’m saying that if the goal is an easier life for a partner or simply things being nice and put-together, what matters is that it gets done.

Back then, I never would have used pre-minced garlic. It comes in little tubes or jars. It’s not fresh. And it also takes like 200% less work from me. This is a small part of any meal (although make no mistake, there’s garlic in *everything* I cook) and it isn’t something my Owner can taste a difference in. But while no one ever had said if it would matter either way, it seemed like it did to me.

It seemed like buying the pre-minced garlic was a short-cut, which meant “bad.”
It seemed like pressing the button on the Roomba was sucking at service.
It seemed like a lot of things that *were all in my head.*

It’s interesting how many times I’ve heard people who are stressed out around service have total revelations at this. It just hasn’t occurred to them–because they’ve assigned their own ideas to the value service brings and never asked the person they provide the service to. And yes, for some, service is an expression of amount of work = amount of care. But for others, it’s the end result that matters. So why not take shortcuts when they make the rest of the machine run smoothly?

Five minutes to my schedule here and there adds up. Fewer repetitive wrist motions absolutely do. What my Owner had asked of me was to take care of meals. That was it. That didn’t mean “to the extent that it comes before your mental health and our ability to take time together.” That didn’t mean “and the amount of time that takes you is directly proportional to your Love and submission.” That meant “take care of meals.”

So, yeah. I use pre-minced garlic. And I’m providing good service; I’m providing what my Owner wants of me. And my food tastes fucking fantastic.

Jan

2024

Scene Practicalities from the Bottom: a case study

This is a sort of “case study” of what it looked like to be me and prepare to play, eight years in to a 24/7 TPE. I’m wrote it because I’d never seen the practicalities written about before, and maybe at some point I could have found it useful. Maybe you will now. Maybe not.

This is what it looks like for me. This isn’t the only way or the right way, just my way.

CAVEATS/FACTORS:

Nope, we do not always plan our play at this point, nor do I always get a heads up of or say in what we do.
At the same time, we both have busy lives at this point, and I am disabled—I have a disorder called Ehlers-Danlos where my joints dislocate very often and I get related chronic pain, along with other systemic issues—meaning planning at all means I can do some of what I discuss here and the chance of playing going well increases. We are also both recovering from COVID right now and have less energy than usual.
Yes, this is a bit clinical. This isn’t sexy; it’s meant to be practical. A girl alludes to going to the bathroom. You’ve been warned.
No, I don’t think about things this in-depth as I’m doing them. I am totally on autopilot for these things *at this point* but that doesn’t mean I am not doing things on purpose–so I took a step back and analyzed for this.

THE WEEKEND BEFORE:

I want to play, but it doesn’t end up happening. There are two prongs to why, one much more important than the other:

The less important: we don’t start our nightly hangin’ out until after midnight each night…
The more important: …and that’s because I never mentioned wanting to play. Maybe if I had, we would have planned for things differently. Hard to know.

THURSDAY (one day before):

We plan for something vanilla on Saturday, and I mention maybe some time next week while we are both off, we can play. He says He’d Love to do that, even to do it earlier than next week. I didn’t expect this but am absolutely down, especially knowing I have a fairly “light” day tomorrow. I make sure to get a full night’s sleep.

FRIDAY (day of):

I finish the little bit of work I have at home and make the phone call that determines I don’t, in fact, have to drive today. Driving and physical movement of certain kinds are some of my biggest bad-pain risk factors, so this is mostly good. That said, I’m fairly pain-free today, so…
I decide to take my dog to the park. The amount the driving increases my pain will likely be fairly small, and this will also tire her out enough so she’s not saddened by a lack of attention tonight and the pup’s needs are taken care of.
When I return home, Owner is napping. I join Him. I don’t actually sleep, but the rest is good and lying on my back won’t increase bad-pain possibilities.
We get up. He says casually as we get dressed, “By the way, what kind of pain are you in the mood for tonight? I could go for whips, kicking and punching, wooden paddle–anything really, but those are what stand out.” Those all sound great to me (there’s little that wouldn’t) and I say so, but point out we’ve never been able to do whips at home because of ceiling height issues. I also realize that I don’t have PT again for a few weeks, which sometimes changes where I can be marked, and say so in case it’s relevant. He says it probably won’t be. (LATER UPDATE: it was, so I’m glad I said it.)
I pick up the room we play in a bit and also put on my back brace. I communicate to Him if He sees me in any of my pain-relief type wearables, it’s more preventative than anything else. He says He would have assumed as such since I haven’t mentioned having a bad pain day, but thanks me for telling Him anyway.

(This is important relationship-building improvement on both our ends from earlier this year. There was a stretch when I really wished we had been playing more and was really quiet and in my head about it; when we finally discussed it, we realized that He had thought that wearing heat = bad pain days. It does, but it doesn’t *always*, so I asked Him to just ask me. He said at that point that He’d try but would probably still assume it was bad unless told otherwise. What happened here shows that we both listened to each other’s feedback and fixed this. It’s awesome that I both was clear about this, and that He was already trusting I’d speak up if a change needed to happen.)

I start cooking. I’m making Moroccan Beef Stew for a few reasons. It’s the right nutrition for how we play; I am able to play hardest when I’ve had red meat first. (This is something I learned over time; I had been vegetarian for a decade when we met and was for the first year or two of our relationship.) It’s also a favorite thing I love to eat and know I can cook with my eyes closed, so low chance for disaster. Most importantly, however, it’s a stew, so it simmers for two hours. This means that if the repetitive motions involved in cooking increase my pain, I have time to recover and check in with my body. They don’t, really, but…
I do have a small wine bottle fiasco. This is one of those small aggravating things that could be a mood-ruiner but I consciously do not let it be.
Simultaneously: I make Liquid IV (an electrolyte hydration drink) and end up downing it way faster than usual, meaning I make more Liquid IV.
Simultaneously: I do a quick service thing by checking my fridge to see if we have the beer He likes to have when we play, just so I know in advance. We do. I may or may not have run out to get some if we didn’t. (LATER UPDATE: He did end up grabbing it while we played… BUT there was a short delay as He couldn’t find where I’d put the bottle-opener, so I’ll leave that out next time too.)
Before finishing in the kitchen, I put some dishes away. This doesn’t need to be done tonight, but if it’s going to be, better it be now for aforementioned why-I’m-cooking-early reasons. In some ways, this is pre-aftercare-prep for me. I know I may not want to tomorrow because of drop, so–now it is. (LATER UPDATE: there’s no way I would have wanted to do this the next day.)
I go to the bathroom. My disorder has some related gastrointestinal and pelvic organ symptom possibilities that I don’t deal with all the time, but I do some. My body tells me I’m going to want to do this again after dinner to be sure. I also take a Pepto.
I do a bit of range-of-motion work. I believe that any motion made in a scene should not be the first time that motion is made that day, and if we are going to be doing any kind of rough body play, there may be less predictability to my movements, so I want to bring myself through range-of-motion for pretty much my entire body. Doing this slowly also allows me to check in with myself about any problem spots. I pull something almost immediately, but it isn’t a muscle that’s going to impact what we’re doing *unless* we go into cunt kicking. This didn’t seem particularly likely, so I’ll bring it up then if needed.
I write the starts of this writing in the down-time, which is a relatively low-energy/effort activity unlikely to stress me out.

THE SCENE:

We end up doing all three of the kinds of play He brought up earlier, since I had no objections. The whip *is* throwable in the space, turns out, but is a bit under-conditioned so we do have to stop that before long because of some related issues in how precisely He can aim in how it’s throwing. However, because of what I said about PT, we are able to do whips on my back for a bit (less can go wrong with an aim issue than if we were doing it on my front). All-in-all, we play pretty hard for about an hour, until He begins to overheat from wailing on me, lol. There wasn’t much to be done about this: our air conditioning doesn’t work right now, and our landlord is slacking on this as it’s December and most people don’t need air conditioning. Womp womp.

AFTERCARE:

General: Degrading fucking. An episode of Brooklyn 99. He says I should eat something, and I choose three chocolate chip cookies. More degrading fucking–I’m quite tired by this time so He gives me an out before we start, which I do not take. Reader, I regret nothing.

Emotional: The scene went into my I-literally-don’t-feel-pain zone quickly. I had a little bit of post-scene “oh shit, i feel bad because You’re a sadist” that I brought up post-fucking#1. He reassured me that whether or not *I* always want my brain to switch over into that zone, it’s His favorite, because it means He gets to really go all out on me. I’m glad I brought this up immediately because He effectively got rid of that negative reflection before it could spiral.

Physical: I probably should have sat on some ice to decrease swelling, but because of the way I process pain (not as pain) I need to be really conscious about this because my body won’t automatically cue me to do it. I did clean off abrasions.

THE DAY AFTER:

The one problem with not needing to drive yesterday means I do today, and it’s to something that stresses me out and that I’d really usually rather not do on a potential drop day. I drop worse two days after a scene than the next day, but still prefer to be with Owner all of the next day just in case. This timing was not ideal. But if I’d waited for the timing to be ideal, we never would play again.

The day is mostly pretty good. I had planned for low-effort cooking, which was smart. By the evening, I recognize my going into some of my droppier habits of retreating in times of stress, but didn’t/don’t feel the need at the moment to consciously not do that. I didn’t remind Him of the vanilla thing we’d planned to do in the evening, and it didn’t end up happening. This wasn’t on me, but I also knew that He would likely not be thinking of it since two-activity weekends aren’t common here. But I also didn’t care all that much, so it was fine.

THE NEXT NEXT DAY:

So my “i drop worse two days after a scene” is proving true. I had initially planned to get my COVID booster shot today and decided yesterday to put that off, and I’m glad for it. I’m kind of achey, more to do with the rain than anything else. Owner and I will both get our boosters tomorrow. While I went on our dog walk yesterday, I may not today, depending on how my legs feel—we’ll see. It might be a good idea for me to go either way; I’ll test range-of-motion first. I’m moody but am dealing with it by painting my nails, finishing this writing, and hanging out with my plants.

Jan

2024

Actually, limiting CNC content is the more dangerous option.*

As a frame of reference/bias, I am in a 24/7 CNC TPE, which for me means I have no safeword and—outside of my needs for a lifetime relationship, as someone who wants a family—have not and do not set limits. I have been in this arrangement for six years at time of writing (ten years at time of this website launching).

The relationship I’m in is one I have always wanted. Before I knew what BDSM was, I knew this was what I was interested in sexually. I believe all forms of sexuality are on a spectrum, and on this spectrum, mine is pretty close to the limit of one side—I never, ever fantasized about a sex life that wasn’t like this. Same thing romantically. When I first ever heard what a safeword was, I felt wholly uninterested. Note that I don’t think it makes anyone any lesser in any way to have and want that; it just doesn’t do it for me. I tried. Believe me, I tried. I recognize that as an easy way to increase safety, and I sometimes *wish* I could be happy with one—but I can’t.

I wasn’t officially on Fet long before I met my Owner, who shared my interest in this sort of thing. I encountered lots and lots of info on negotiation and safewords and consent, and also a lot of vitriol towards the sort of thing I wanted. It’s unequivocally abuse, I read. Others said people who wanted it had no empathy for those who are being abused. Or that those who wanted it should seek therapeutic help (not that I believe there’s anyone who shouldn’t, mind you). Or that those who wanted it deserved to be violated. Or worse. I was just barely 19, my brain certainly still hardwiring, and my big step to embrace/seek fulfilling happiness had only led me to more shame, to more wondering if something was wrong with me. That’s something many of us experienced before finding this site. For me, it lived here.

But—luckily—I also found a handful of people talking about CNC. Group intellectual discussion, writings of both the explanatory and erotica varieties, some pictures. All these led me to private conversations with those people about how their relationships and scenes worked, what got them there, how they made themselves as safe as they could, what had gone wrong, what they would do differently. They helped me, a 19 year old who knew no one in the area but the man she was about to start dating, figure out how to do this. I wasn’t in The Scene here at all then. I’d been to play parties, but not in this state. There weren’t really classes available on this. It was only through others discussing this on Fet that I found allies and mentors and sounding boards. And obviously it turned out just fine—but had it not, they would have been the people I knew I could get help getting out from. How could I know for sure someone else wouldn’t just tell me I deserved it for my naivety in asking for what I did, which would actually mean “I deserved it because of what makes me happy”?

Here’s the thing. If I never found CNC content here (and the people making it), that wouldn’t have stopped me from going after what I wanted. I still would have tried to build a relationship without safewords or limits that I set, but I would have withdrawn from any sort of community. I would have no concept of the actual risks (which are not so simple as getting attacked with a chainsaw as some would like to think) or how to communicate within it. I would have no affirmation it was okay to want this and that it was possible without abuse. I would have been on my own.

And that’s me. Most who play with CNC aren’t wanting as high-risk as I am, much less 24/7. If you ask people to not post CNC content, you’re definitely isolating the people like me and preventing them from making things that fulfill them safer for themselves, but you’re also taking valuable info away from others who want it who *do* need to know that it’s okay to say no to a partner in negotiations, that safewords can be used in this, etc, so that they have the example if some assclown tells them otherwise.

CNC porn exists outside the site. CNC erotica exists outside the site. CNC discussion of safety, of reality, journal entries and conversations and accounts of things gone wrong? Not so much. Those of us drawn to this are already seeing the blinding lights, and it’s an internet community that is willing to share and discuss and answer questions that gives the wider picture.

Limiting this content doesn’t actually make anyone safer at all. Those who aren’t interested were never relevant to this discussion, and those who are will not know where to get resources. The people you think this would protect—yes, including the kids who shouldn’t be here, of which I was once one—aren’t coming online and saying “oh, guess this doesn’t exist, so I won’t do it.” They’re still doing it. They’re just isolated.

I truly think those in the conversation saying my kind of CNC should be fully banned often have good intentions here. But from where I stand, limiting it only sets bottoms up for danger in the long run, and I will not be a part of it.

Jan

2024

so you’ve found yourself in a long distance relationship: what worked for me on the right side of the slash

[A quick note: this was written as a response to the global quarantines for COVID-19 right when they were first announced. Some of what I have to say does pertain to that ambiguity.]

There was a time when I had more relationship time logged in long-distance relationships than out of them. I went from three years in a military relationship that started just one month before he went to boot camp, and a year after my Owner and I met, I went to Israel for a semester. I remember realizing when I’d finally been physically with significant others more than I had been without them and feeling this strange weight I didn’t know I still had lift off me. And also, a sort of sadness—because the long distance thing, while it really sucks, has aspects that don’t come back when you’re together.

I don’t say that to tell you it doesn’t suck. It sucks hard. And all those going through long distance (or short distance, but virtual) right now have it even harder. See, you have the mysterious deployment long distance. The mysterious deployment long distance was my “actually, there’s no countdown, because I have no idea when I’m going to see you again.” And… okay, it wasn’t the hardest, because that relationship was failing as it was. But with how much I relied on countdowns at other times, I really feel for people stuck apart right now. Truly. I think that’s one of the most awful things about this.

I want to share some thoughts about things that worked for me when I was long-distance with my Owner. Fair warning: I’ve written about this before, and I am going to copy some things directly from that older writing, so if you’ve read that lately for some reason you may not gain anything from this. But right now, that reading looks kind of fluffy to me. I’d like to try to focus more on why what we did worked for me as a right-side-of-the-slash person this time. I’m hoping that those in this position now for the first time will gain something from this, whether that’s sharing with left-side counterparts or left-side counterparts gathering ideas and better understanding what their right-side may need.

As always, communicate as to needs, desires, and ways to fulfill them. This is about my relationship, with my Owner, in the very specific way that we do kink. Maybe you do not do things this way. If that is something you are sure of, consider why, and communicate that!

Okay. Now. What you came for.

vahavta’s tips for new long distance relationships, in general

Communicate.

I’ll continue with the big one for a minute, I suppose.

You have an enormous opportunity right now to talk. I know you’re being told that by others, and I know it sounds dismissive. I’m not going to tell you it can be as great as being in person. It’s not a substitute for many things. I will say that I *personally* actually seriously do not think my relationship would have survived had we not gained the communication skills we did and had the conversations we had while I was abroad.

I’ll get to the hard stuff in a second. Let’s say what else you can communicate: you would not believe the dirty, horrible, terrifying texts I have from back then (read: these are good). One of the ways we “played” was how He would tell me in great detail over Skype what He was going to do to me when I was back in His grasp, and… oof. I mean, these were get-put-on-a-list conversations. The intensity was palpable through the wires.

Even the ex managed to do something right when it came to long distance and sex: we set up a shared Tumblr account and reposted pictures we found hot, and learned about each other more that way. Of course, that was when Tumblr allowed porn, so…

And okay, also you’ll need to communicate the hard stuff—and also, you can communicate the big stuff. Long distance is when we had the “ultimately, I’m going to need to be monogamous” conversation. Long distance is when we talked about my future career and where He would and wouldn’t be willing to follow me. Long distance is when He first expressed interest in DD/lg and we grew that part of our relationship! And also, while long distance, we had to confront harm done in our relationship through words alone, and apart, in vastly different time zones. But we *did*. We did all this. We laid it out in words, no distractions, and I think that’s really worth something. That allowed for much more looking at the details, more time to consider things, more careful phrasing.

And also, we had some really lovely conversations too, which brings me to

Dream in broad strokes.

We talked about a possible future wedding while I was abroad. We dreamed up possible scenes, vacations, lives together. And oh, how that kept me going.

I say broad strokes specifically because what you ought not do right now is plan anything on a specific date. We really don’t know when all this will end, and you don’t need that added disappointment.

But the “someday”s? Yeah. Hold on to those. Put them together with and for your partner, find pictures, use detail, create, dream, go wild.

Discuss changing boundaries.

This is largely for the non-monogamous people, but it does apply in many ways to everyone. You are now having a relationship that exists over the internet and phone. Perhaps before you were okay with your partner sharing naked photos with specific others over the internet, but it is quite possible that—now that you are also on that level—that doesn’t feel right to you. That’s okay, but needs to be clearly communicated. Some people decide that since they’re apart and can’t always provide what the other needs at the right time, they’ll temporarily approve heavy flirting and sexting in a way they wouldn’t during non-pandemic times. Okay, what happens when social distancing is over? Can they then meet up with this person? Discuss in detail. You’re in a new world. Things may change. You may reasonably feel more insecure than before. Ask for what you need in order to limit that.

Don’t text/reply to your ex.

That’s just general advice. I know right now you may be grasping for something to feel familiar, but they’re still a person you shouldn’t be with, probably.

vahavta’s protocol for new long distance power exchange relationships

Here’s what we did. Here’s what worked for me. Again, this is specific to me, but maybe it’ll help you see how to form protocol specific to you and yours.

1) Every morning, I was to drink my coffee kneeling and send him a picture.

This worked for a few reasons. This provided me with a time to stop and consider my role to Him. It was tied to a specific time, a thing I do every day. That meant it was an easy thing to be sure I was actually doing in the timelessness of a new everyday life. I also got really creative with this. It was a way to show Him my world, and I did my best to find exciting new views and ways to do this both for fun for me and to share with Him. I have a huge compilation somewhere of every one of these photos, which I think is pretty cool. Maybe I’ll find it and link it here. No idea where that’s saved.

2) I was to wear my plug while cooking.

This, again, is tied to a specific thing. I didn’t cook every day, and that wasn’t important. But when I *did*, this element was added to it. Cooking is something I learned for my Owner, and this protocol allowed me to remember that and to feel I was still doing something *for* Him (I don’t love being plugged). It kept something that was ours ours.

3) I had some rules regarding underwear and orgasms.

I was placed on orgasm restriction for the first time. I was allowed to choose one day a week to get myself off, and the rest I could not (unless He commanded it, which He sometimes did). When I *did* get myself off, I recorded it so He could be there. I was also to wear a certain kind of underwear the other six days. This, again, keeps something that was ours ours—well, in this case it made it ours for the first time, and I’ve had to ask permission to masturbate ever since (which I did not pre long distance)—and it was hot and fun. The other protocols weren’t explicitly sexual, but it was good to have this, especially as our DD/lg dynamic was developing at this time.

4) I was to copy “Property” onto my body in His handwriting.

This felt like a huge gift to me. He wanted me marked even more than I was. He sent me a few scans of His writing it so I could choose which one I wanted to use, and I re-copied it every time it started to fade. This was a symbol of our consistency, our constancy, a thing I would not let fade.

5) I was given a mantra.

He gave me my mantra while we were apart. (“I am His, I am Loved, I exist to serve.”) This was the biggest gift. I’m not big on meditation, but when you’re separate, sometimes you can’t access the other person when you need them. This is true for all couples all the time, but it feels different when you’re apart. Especially as some of us adjust to working from home, or become overscheduled somehow again with Zoom calls and activities, you will sometimes be unable to reach your partner, or they will be unable to reach you. The mantra was given to me for any time this happened, and it has become so drilled into my heart that I find myself relying on it at the strangest times to this day. In my struggles with chronic illness, when I’ve gotten shots in my spine or the like, I find myself repeating it only.*IamHisIamLovedIexisttoserveIamHisIamLovedIexisttoserve* over and over without being told to or even consciously deciding it; He gave me calm and I have kept it and this was huge.

And though this is not protocol, I want to mention aftercare.

You may find ways to play over a distance that actually are intense. Whether this is actual physical commanded acts (please, do not do breathplay long distance) or extremely dark stories told to you late at night, you may need aftercare when it’s done. Getting off the phone can be a harsh reminder that you aren’t actually together, and time differences don’t make it any easier. Until you know if you need it, maybe plan to do your play earlier in your “date” time so that you can watch a movie or talk after. What was most important for me was making sure that I didn’t encounter the things that would be hard to handle without Him after we did this. As I’m a little, I kept some fun flash game links for this part, avoided social media or anywhere I could encounter the news, and got an early bedtime.

You forget. That’s the last thing I want you to know. You forget how hard this was. You pull through; the Love pulls through and it’s big and new even if it isn’t new at all, and years later you look back and it almost seems romantic, all the ways you made it work. Years later you look back and say “I handled that just fine”, fine enough to tell other people what worked for you, despite the panic attacks and the nights wondering if we really could. You forget the aching and how jealous you are of those together. You do. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, you look back and you realize it didn’t have anything to do with the long distance, and that maybe it actually revealed things you needed to know. You start dating normally again, and you forget. And you keep on loving, and serving, and it’s okay.

It will be okay.

Want to join in on the conversation? You can find the original version of this on Fetlife here.

Jan

2024

Bilingualism and the inability to understand poly, mono, or any other dealbreaker*

This isn’t a topic I really intended to approach again, but a writing that passed by my feed seemed to call for a comment from an old email I once sent, and it’s a pretty good email. So now I’m sharing it. Keep in mind this was a specific context I was discussing with/about someone I knew well, so while I think it can be applicable in MANY situations one encounters in a relationship where one party requires something they do not believe affects the other, it’s not written to be universal. If you’re interested in more universal takes, I’ve a few other mono/poly things in my writings. (Short context on my background for those new here: my relationship started poly, and it is now monogamous. I would under no circumstances do polyamory again in my lifetime, but didn’t know that when I tried it and am glad I at least tried. My Owner is ambiamorous—if He could not have been happy monogamous, we would not still be together.) Please, I beg of you, read the rules of engagement I post in the first comment before you comment or message.

One might imagine this as a response to: “How do I get them to understand that my love for them is never going to change? No matter how I phrase it, they don’t seem to understand that this wouldn’t change my feelings. Don’t they trust me?”

I am about to mix metaphors egregiously, and some of this may come off as harsh. I do not mean to do the second and do not apologize for the first.

Some people are born into places where they grow up hearing both English and French and/or something clicks when they first hear French and/or they’re talented linguists, and they are fairly close to fluent in both. Some have a high school knowledge of French and like it, but wouldn’t get by in France long past a vacation. Many people in a modern world know how to speak some form of English out of necessity, but fluency and comfort vary. Some English-speakers emigrate after many decades and suddenly feel at home.

Here, I see you saying that even were someone in their own roles with you in sexually and emotionally intimate ways, nothing could ever take the place she holds for you sexually, emotionally, and responsively, and that you’ve tried to make that clear to her. She probably does understand this, in the same way that–she and I being speakers of English–we know how grammar works and that French, as a language, also has grammar and that it indeed somehow works. But an explanation of French grammar will make very little sense to someone who speaks no French. It will not *ever* make sense unless they actively choose to learn French, and even then, learning a language as an adult is difficult and something some people can’t ever do, despite really wanting to. (Hence why I am not in a doctoral program at this moment.) You can ask them to try, but some brains will not work that way. They just will not ever achieve the comfort and practice level necessary to carry on much of a conversation.

That’s poly to her. And no matter how many times you tell her how the grammar works, no matter what teaching methods or patience or enthusiasm you try with, it will not process. Now, this doesn’t mean she doesn’t believe you *completely* that yes, French really does has strong grammar. But it doesn’t matter. She may never metabolize what you are saying. It may never go past theory in her head. And what you are left with then is an English speaker picking out sounds that are familiar to them and walking away with an understanding that fits their own paradigms of language, that may be nowhere close to what you want to get across.

I know now there was no world in which I could ever *feel* truly Loved while poly, even if I *believed* it. None. Ever. I tried. I persuaded myself I did, for a vacation or so. But my high school knowledge didn’t get me farther than la bibliotechque, and I was then confused AND lost. And so I was left in the pain of unrequited Love but constantly. I had the ability to stay with the person I Loved forever, but was facing feeling that always if things stayed as they were. No chance of resolution. No chance of ever feeling safe.

If even one party is bilingual, it can work if they decide to speak in the other’s language. If neither are, both always miss out on truly understanding what is being communicated to them. What you have then is a lot to think about, I s’pose, unless you believe that you are unequivocally French and cannot learn fluent English, or unless I am wrong about her language learning abilities. Either of those being the case, then there either solidly isn’t or is hope.

—

Submitted with a warm hat tip to my dear old friends, both of whom I’ve no doubt will read this sooner or later. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are understood.

Jan

2024

The Subservient Little

CW: dark ageplay

“I Love You.”
“I Love you more.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“Daddy knows best. And what you don’t know, Daddy will teach you. But then again, little girls like you don’t have to know anything–except ‘obey.'”

When I first really got involved here, I actually didn’t know there was such a thing as a dominant who didn’t want a brat. Any BDSM I’d played with in the past had involved bratting, which I enjoyed, and I thought constant obedience would just be boring for a top. It’s also worth mentioning, I think, that no BDSM I’d played with in the past really satisfied me. I wanted rules that held firm, and breaking them to get what *I* wanted—what I was told was ‘punishment’ at the time—was so very backwards.

Well, here I am all these years later, well-satisfied (when He wants me to be, of course) and with a man who doesn’t tolerate brattiness, and I think it’s safe to say I’ve long since dropped my ideas of what there is no such thing as. And yet, there are some things I still see getting pigeonholed over and over again. One of these is the Caregiver/little relationship.

The most recent occurrence of this for me (and the inspiration for this writing) was a post I saw from a little who had realized she needed to combine DDlg with a TPE to be happy, but didn’t think the two could exist simultaneously. “In a TPE,” she said, “there is no negotiation. It’s no longer about what the s-type wants in the relationship. Everything is about the Master. In DDlg the focus is on the little and usually, from what I have seen only, the little is not focused on complete and absolute surrender and service to their D-type but on their needs and wants.”

If you’ve followed me on this site at all, you probably know that ain’t how it works over here. If not, a quick summary: while I don’t like using the terminology of M/s 99% of the time, I think most definitions would put us there. My relationship is 24/7 CNC TPE, by which I mean there is no explicit negotiating, no safeword, and complete obedience is just expected. We use many terms for each other, often as a sort of subtle signal as to what mood we are in, but the most frequent and nearly interchangeable ones I use for Him are “Owner” and “Daddy.” I do everything my Daddy says, and my Owner takes care of me, plays with me, knows the names of my teddy bears, and talks down to me in the most wonderful ways. And I can’t imagine having to be a brat to constantly feel like His little girl.

A lot of people draw a firm line between words like “little” and “babygirl” (if you know a non-gendered form of this term please let me know) in that one is regression or role-play based and one is just a part of your personality. You can be one or the other or both. I’d say I’m both, and I don’t want to—can’t—step outside of that latter persona just because it might seem outside of the prescribed CG/l roles to do constant service or be broken down ‘til I’m nothing. But luckily, in my world, these things that Don’t Go Together interact seamlessly. Here is a bit about how I see it. Hopefully if you’re struggling with desires you see as conflicting, this will help you figure out how to restructure that thinking a bit.

Service/50s-style Household

The other day, I told my Owner how happy I am for this new life I’m embarking on right now, wherein my job involves plenty of time to serve Him. The thing is, whenever I think about this, I keep using the words “playing house.” And that’s exactly what it is! See, my Daddy is *so* cool that He wants to play house with me forever. So of course I’m going to play well! I get to cook and clean for Him and dress up at the end of the day before He comes home to kiss me, just like in old movies. It’s lots of fun!

And it’s a way of showing how much I Love Him. Just like some littles are really great color-ers and draw their caregivers pictures to put up on the fridge, I’m really good at cooking food. There’s nothing better than seeing my Daddy happy about something I’ve made just for Him.

Humiliation/Degradation

Daddy does all the stuff that I think Daddies are supposed to do. He gets rid of the bugs. He opens the jars. So in return, I do all the stuff that He tells me little girls are supposed to do—bend over, kneel, open their mouths.

He also Loves me very much. He makes sure I know this, because He makes sure I know how disgusting, needy, and pathetic I am… all the things nobody else would ever understand. It makes me feel so very lucky that He Loves me anyway.

S&M and CNC

Caregivers know what their littles like better than anyone in the world. They may know what characters are their favorites and get them coloring books to match, they know what ice cream flavors are the best to pick up as a surprise. I’m a masochist. I absolutely must be beaten and tortured. My Daddy knows this. As mentioned in the beginning, there was a day that I was a brat, and I think that being a brat can actually be a great consent tactic and way to signal “I want to get beaten” for some folks–but the kind of torture I truly want relies on it being *His* choice when it happens, not mine.

Because I fall on the babygirl “this isn’t roleplay” side of things, I am not pretending and I don’t want to start. I’m not going to act like I don’t want to get hurt and then do something bad because that’s the punishment. I want this all to be real. This all *is* real. So, knowing what a reward actually looks like for me, my Daddy frequently makes me scream and cry. Because He knows me best, and He doesn’t assume that just because I’m a little, cuddles and hot cocoa are the things that make me happiest (though they don’t hurt). And the fact He knows me so so well—even enough that when I think I don’t want something and tell Him so over and over and beg Him to stop I end up so happy at the end—feels very much like Love to me.

And sometimes, when Daddy is whispering to me that He just can’t help Himself, that we must be very quiet, that His little girl understands, right? I remember all the things He does to take care of me and remember what He’s told me about what little girls have to do. And even if I don’t, it doesn’t matter. And that makes me feel even littler.

TPE

What if my needs and wants *are* absolute surrender and service? What if, in focusing on the desires of my Owner, I’m having all my own dreams fulfilled? I don’t agree with what the person asking the initial question said—that everything is about the top in a TPE, or that the focus is on the little in CGl—but if it is, there’s no reason that those two things can’t go together perfectly in a well-matched partnership.

M/s-y protocol fits perfectly with this dynamic in my mind, too. Of course I wear something identifying me as His. Of course I am locked to the bed at night. Of course He can track my location. Daddy Loves me! I’m the most important thing in the world to Him, and little girls can be flighty or get confused. He wouldn’t want me getting lost!

And finally, both being His property and His little girl means that I accept His superiority and trust that He will always have the answer to ‘why’, no matter how many times it’s asked. Daddy is the center of my world as a little, and His ruling over me is just a given of that. He’s not little like me. He’s my guiding force, powerful, smart, and I look up to Him because I know that He deserves to be all these things. So I do as He says. And like many other little girls, I may ask “why?”—not to argue, but because He often is thinking five steps ahead of me and I might just not get it—but in the end, I do what He says, trust or clarify that there is a reason, and don’t fight it.

I mean no disrespect to brats. I think you all are hilarious and wonderful. And no disrespect to the many wonderful littles I know who are tops or sadists, who have their caregivers wrapped around their little fingers, who do this in any other one of the zillion ways you could do it. But if you are a little who feels drawn to giving up all power or any other thing I mentioned here, I want you to know you don’t have to abandon any part of your identity to do it.

All these relationships are what we build them to be.
Don’t compromise on your desires.

If you want to join in on the conversation in the comments of the original Fetlife post, you can do so by clicking here.

Jan

2024

Please, Talk to His Sub*

Ah, (another) recurring kink community debate: getting the D-type’s approval to talk to the s-type.

I’ll start with my stance: I am a 24/7 CNC TPE sub (some might call this a slave) and I absolutely detest you doing this.

It’s not that I mind your idea of “proper” protocol, exactly.
It’s that you never do it in a way that’s actually respectful to our dynamic.

See, a dynamic comprises multiple people. That means that respecting our dynamic means respecting multiple people.
And that is never, ever the case.

Example the first:
We are at a convention a few years back. BigNamePhotoBro chats with us briefly trying to sell us something, then asks Owner’s permission to hug me. “Doesn’t bother me,” says Owner. BigNamePhotoBro goes to hug me, and I jump back and pretty much snap at him “you should probably ask my permission too.” Whether from that not occurring to him, or simply it not occurring to him I would say no, PhotoBro looks absolutely shocked. How odd, for a woman to get her own decision!

Example the second:
Every so often when He was more active, my Owner used to get messages that roughly resembled the following:

Hello! I absolutely love your dynamic. I admire vahavta’s subservience and masochism. May I friend you and her?

And then, receiving some semblance of “doesn’t bother me,” they friend me. Just… friend me. Even with a “message me first” in my profile, they just do it, because I guess messaging Him is the same thing somehow. I never get the compliment myself in these cases. Never.

There are others. People have even asked His permission to touch my whip marks on my body post-scene. All these situations make me just an extension of Him, and take something away from me. It shows me you don’t actually see me as a person. He doesn’t have to see me as a person. You do. If you asked both of us it would be one thing, but 99% of the time that definitely doesn’t happen.

And then there’s the case that the fabulous @NookieNotes writes about here, which inspired this.
If I were doing something my Owner didn’t like, talking to someone or in a way that He didn’t approve of, that would be His responsibility to tell *me* and my responsibility to stop. Even if He did reach out to them and tell them to back away—which He has, in the case of my abuser—if they continue, what happens next is on me. And I want it to be.

Because obedience is the cornerstone of this relationship.
Not coddling. Not shaping the outside world.
Shaping me.

And if He tells me to do something like that and I find that I am not comfortable doing it, then that inner struggle to stop, or the decision to ask Him why and maybe work things out differently, or to fess up and receive the consequences that might follow would be important. Those are the things that could teach me, reinforce the dynamic, allow me to do something which makes me feel more secure in my submission. That’s how this sort of thing grows. How people respond to their partner’s feelings on their actions is how any relationship grows.

If you’re trying to do something you think respects my dynamic, respect the whole dynamic. All of it. Obedience is a constant choice. Give me that choice. Let me decide. Trust I will do what I am supposed to. If you were hypothetically told to avoid me and decided to keep talking to me, I wouldn’t begrudge you the slightest, I would just respond how I should or talk to Him about doing things in a different way. And if you feel the need to ask Him about something and He says it’s cool and that makes you more comfortable that’s great, but your next step is to ask me.

Because if you don’t, Lord knows the answer will always be a “nope” on this end.

(And also, if you’re going to be a douche and you message Him with it, you’ve taken an opportunity to mock you and shut you down away from me and that’s totally unfair.)

Jan

2024

It’s certainly not for everyone.*

Not a damn thing. (In life, probably, but this is about kink. Duh.)

I get asked about my protocol from time to time. The GPS tracking thing comes up a lot. For some people, that’s abuse — where you go is private; what if you needed to escape? And sure, I’ll give you the name of the app He uses to do it, but that doesn’t mean you’ll like it. My dear friend in California has a security camera in her room. I’d do it if He wanted, but meh. Seems like a bit much. It’s certainly not for everyone. (However, if you’re both into it and you’ve talked about it, it’s not abuse.)

Some people go to multiple events a week. I did often when I entered the scene. I’m outgoing, and I like watching and being watched, and I wanted to meet people in the context of other people. There are a lot of people who don’t, though, who may not even be on Fetlife. Meeting at events is *less* comfortable for them. They don’t care about any vetting but their own, and they don’t feel like they need to have other eyes on them when playing. They meet privately the first time. It’s certainly not for everyone. (However, if you’re both into it and you’ve talked about it, it doesn’t make you a predator.)

I don’t use safewords. Decided I couldn’t enjoy kink if I did. I’m also TPE and monogamous (and hence don’t do pick-up play), and I also don’t go into a kind of subspace where I can’t communicate. Maybe if these things weren’t true, I would use them. Maybe not. We’ve reevaluated whether this is right for us and always decide it is. I need to know there’s no way out, and He needs that absolute trust. It means I’m responsible for being totally open about my emotional and physical state. It’s certainly not for everyone. (However, if you’re both into it and you’ve talked about it, it’s not unsafe.)

Some people like race play, or age play, or dressing up like animals and making animal sounds. Some people like simulating their heads being chopped off with guillotines and some people like getting consnesually kidnapped or having their homes broken into. Some people like rope. Some people like being made to drink a lot of alcohol. Some of these would cause a breakdown and complete lack of trust for other people. It’s certainly not for everyone. (However, if you’re both into it and you’ve talked about it, it doesn’t make you problematic or a pervert.)

I’m monogamous. I tried doing things another way. I serve better when not with another. I can’t trust Love is really Love when it’s shared. On the other hand, some of my friends could never be monogamous. They can’t feel fulfilled and they wouldn’t be living in an honest way. They’d find the relationship style which makes me most vibrant and giving partner I can be to be stifling and boring. It’s certainly not for everyone. (However, if you’re both into it and you’ve talked about it, it’s not less enlightened or toxic.)

Some people don’t like aftercare. Some people don’t like to give it. Some people want to be brought cookies and some people want to be left alone and some of us want to be threatened instead. Some people can’t get out of their topspace like that, and are going to be at their most sadistic selves the rest of the night. Some people would find playing with those other people traumatic. It’s certainly not for everyone. (However, if you’re both into it and you’ve talked about it, it doesn’t make you uncaring.)

Some people like having different girls over each weekend. They do horrific things to all of them and fuck them without condoms and don’t necessarily keep in touch. They don’t really care if there is feeling involved; they’re just there to get and give some jollies. Others might see this as gross or emotionally removed or a popularity move. It’s certainly not for everyone. (However, if you’re both (all) into it and you’ve talked about it, it doesn’t make you a player.)

I’m sure you’re getting this by now.

There’s no one true way. So we all say. Hearing it and knowing it doesn’t necessarily mean we apply it to our judgements of others or ourselves. We’ve all come to this crazy kink world because some of the things we want are not what others would call normal. In doing that, we’ve set a lot of our own norms.

Nope. Do what you please. If everyone’s on board with it, and if everyone’s risk aware, fuck ’em. Fuck the community, fuck the rules, and fuck what your last boyfriend said about you. Fuck ’em.

However, if you put that camera in without telling someone then you might be crossing a line, and if you take the condom off without telling every single person you’re sleeping with (including the one you took it off with) you might be a criminal, and if you are only being monogamous in order to make it harder for your partner to leave you might be an abuser, and if you stick a rubber chicken up your partner’s butt when they didn’t previously know that was one of your kinks, you might be an ass-hat.

Or maybe you’re not. Maybe that’s cool in your relationship(s).
Not for me to say.

Jan

2024

clarity: why suffer?*

“Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart.”

There are days I wish I wasn’t a masochist. Sure, sometimes He hits so hard it gets around those wires crossed in my brain which can make it feel like pleasure, and sure, I know how to process pain. But the secret is that many days, I use that knowledge to actively choose not to. I choose to suffer instead.

I want to. I want it so often. Want to be made to scream things that go against my worldviews until I’m not sure what I believe, want to sob thinking of what former selves would say about me now, want to fear coming around the corner, want to sit alone crying without aftercare, want to have nightmares, want to yell out my terror that my bones will break. I crave it. It gives me clarity. I don’t know how to live without it.

I don’t pretend it’s normal. Those wires are crossed for me just as the others are.

On Friday, Owner and I are going to play at a costume party as Tyler Durden and Marla Singer. I’m looking forward to it more than I do many scenes, because I know whips, and I know methodical impact, but to be kicked, punched… sure, I have been, but not continually. Not without anything in between. Not until breaking. I’ve never been beaten up. I don’t want to not have that experience anymore.

How could I want something like that? Why suffer? Why actually hurt? Actually feel sorrow? Actually feel pain?

It’s service, for some. Knowing what their partner wants and subjecting themselves to it is a sign of their desire and willingness to give. It’s also power exchange. That’s where I’m at, at least in part. Anyone can hurt me in a way that makes me feel good; that’s natural for me. To bring me to suffering you must be a force which can truly control me.

But that’s not it. That’s not what I mean when I say clarity, a word which has recently become part of my ever-growing vahavta-specific vocabulary.

Why suffer? How could I want this?

To suffer is to know existence, to see what I call God. It is self-actualization. It is a spiritual experience. Suffering is recognizing that I am human, that there is a full range of human experience out there to feel. These emotions which control me so intensely on a daily basis — they aren’t the peak of it. There is always deeper. Darker. There are places I haven’t gone yet in this world. If the suffering can bring me lower than my own depression, if it outweighs what my own mind can do, there is something more powerful. *He* is more powerful. My demons go quiet.

To suffer is to be brought low. Suffering shows me the violence internal to the mundane of this life. It lets me master it. Survive. I cannot feel anything about surviving something I just enjoy. I cannot grow stronger from it — but when I am brought back up from destruction, I know more about myself than I did before. The boundaries of sensation and sentiment expand, and like a gas, my spirit grows to fill them. In the after, there is no limit to my limits.

But in those most poignant moments—those right between collapsing in gratitude that it is all over and coming back to myself—there is nothing in my mind. There is nothing I need. It is quiet, impossibly calm waters, seamless with my breath the way the sky and ocean were one night when I stepped outside on the pier and everything was black, black, suspended in that second. It is clear, this mind, this heart, this thing that I am, absent of the befores-and-afters, the analogies and constant associations. It is lower, it is higher, it is suffering, it is coming back anew.

“May I never be complete.
May I never be content.
May I never be perfect.
Deliver me, Tyler, from being perfect and complete.”

This stems from an ongoing discussion I’m in with people who have stated they don’t understand and have absolutely no desire to watch scenes that involve people subjecting themselves to real pain. I mean absolutely no disrespect to the people sharing their views in that discussion and am appreciative of your giving me a reason to think about a thing that has seemed obvious to me. I also do not intend in any way, shape, or form to imply that enjoying or not enjoying suffering is the better or stronger or more enlightened way to do things — this is simply how I experience it.