healthy vs unhealthy dynamics

CONTENTS:
START HERE: Unhealthy vs Healthy TPE: Context and Definitions
Part II: What makes for a healthy/unhealthy TPE (according to me and others)
Part III: Questions to ask yourself to tell if *your* dark dynamic or TPE is unhealthy or not
Part IV: You know someone whose dynamic seems unhealthy, or yours is and you want to stay. Now what?
—
This writing is part of a series of them, and it is the longest. For this reason, I’ll avoid an over-long introduction. Below, you’ll find a compilation of answers I received when asking kinksters what the difference was between unhealthy and healthy TPE (total power exchange), particularly when it comes to what I will call “dark dynamics.” For definitions and further context, and rules of engagement, please see the “Start Here” post.

I’ve tried to delineate the responses into set categories as much as possible. Quotes do not represent the only things said or the only people who spoke about each category, not by far — they simply are the ones I determined to best represent a point.

Without further adieu…

Traits of Healthy vs Unhealthy TPE

Discussing needs, interests, and motivations in prep work/the dynamic being consciously constructed between individuals vs being placed in a dynamic in a cookie-cutter mold

While many people said this in some form, @CarterBrulee named as a particular red flag:

attempting to jump immediately into high levels of power exchange without getting to know me or my needs and desires

It’s specifically that “without getting to know me or my needs and desires” that made me quote Carter here. This is the root. For some, it may be fine to jump in fast—I did, and this is something I *do* stand by because while it was fast, our first discussions were “what do you want out of kink?” and “what does having a submissive mean to you?” and “what would a collar indicate to you?” and these sorts of essentials. Jumping in without those discussions happening out the gate without a continual conversation on how certain things are affecting the bottom may be unhealthy, and at best, is bound for more miscommunications and mismatches.

Conscious construction, it should be noted, doesn’t have to mean doing everything a submissive wants if that isn’t what appeals to those involved. This is underlined by the fact that this category came more from those who engage in dark dynamics than not. Interests, desires, and the like being considered does not always mean these are “given in to”. But as @Aerin put it to me, “even abandonment play requires some kind of attention. It requires reminders that it’s happening.” Any kind of play is a process of reaction and response. When there is no longer a response, even if it is one that does not give you what you desire, you may be experiencing something unhealthy.

For each individual matters too, and its opposite, a cookie-cutter dynamic, was named as a red flag by many (frequent in “harem” abuse situations).

@SuspendDisbelief said:

Good TPE takes into account the natural desires of the sub, if for no other reason than to ignore them. Bad TPE is fully built around shoving a sub into a premade box using cookie cutter methods, burning the coffee to standardize it like starbucks (no shade). Good TPE, if involving “changes/training” (which I do not believe TPE must, to be clear!) might involve agreement upon the recipe, laying out the ingredients, and cooking together. Like, the sub should be a willing participant in their own subversion, such that they have a full understanding of what that end goal means. I don’t want to say the personalization is what makes it good, because I’m certain a predatory dom could personalize the grooming process, but there’s got to be something in there about keeping the “why” of both partners at the forefront of the dynamic, even if the “what” and “how” is completely up to the whims of the dom. I completely understand (and experience) a submissive’s desire to be slowly, unconsciously molded into their dominant’s image of perfection, but there needs to be a baseline materials science-type understanding of what the unique substance being fucked with can safely do.

@CarterBrulee said:

If you can never see how your dominant considers you in their choices. Even if it is to disregard intentionally and purposefully in ways that serve parts of the dynamic. Then it’s likely not a good dynamic.

@Chayla said:

It’s actually totally fine with me if this relationship is genuinely very centered around the dominant and includes some amount of disregard for me and my preferences and isn’t about “helping” me — but it still needs to consider me as an individual. I’m not going to be able to provide the same things as the next person, nor be motivated the same ways, nor want the same things, nor be fulfilled in the same ways.

@Aerin also pointed out that a dark dynamic being what a submissive wants can still be a red flag of unhealthy behaviors if it comes without prior discussion. This is a particularly important point, as “perfect-for-me-and-we-didn’t-even-have-to-talk-about-it” often may seem like romance or destiny or other positive things at first—but that can turn into a nightmare fast. They offered this thought experiment as a potential measure:

If they successfully used the same process on somebody else who didn’t have the same level of interest in ESM and consensual abuse play as their bottom, would they be violating consent? In other words, is their treatment of the bottom only OK because the bottom is making it ok? If they don’t have mechanisms in place to gather specific information before they do the horrible things that the horrible things will be welcome and consensual, the fact that the bottom enjoys those horrible things is irrelevant.

@Darren_Campbell made a related observation to the cookie-cutter discussion (emphasis mine):

These rigid structures [that we often see in serial abusers] come pre-conceived and then ask subs (usually women) to slot into these fantasy roles. Leadership isn’t cookie-cutter, it’s an act of inspiration in response to meeting circumstances and people that drive us to build and co-create something new. In its purest form it’s an act of serendipity and wonder. “Look at this amazing person that has offered me their service/suffering/obedience/whatever. I wonder what amazing thing we can do with that.” If you go in certain, YOU MISSED THE FUCKING POINT.

I bolded that “in response” because response isn’t a one-time thing; it’s a process. The needs and desires conversation is not just a one-and-done before a partnership but is a continual process of discovery and response throughout.

@LillyKoi- pointed out how these discussions can also be of benefit throughout a partnership:

I frequently go back and read our discussions prior to ESM engagement as a form of checking in. Getting to know each other – especially wants, needs, desires, intentions, self care systems, triggers, what is known to work, what is known to fail, curating our own specific vocabulary/definitions, current boundaries, etc. in writing is a prerequisite for this kind of engagement with me because I want a work around for any “during engagement headspace” that might be clouding someone’s judgement or ability to communicate authentically.

An environment of care vs selfishness or detachment

Consideration of the needs of the bottom also overlapped with a topic I’ll refer to as an environment of care. @Aerin gave these great thoughts around care that might be relevant in preparatory discussions:

Do the top’s actions provide for both parties in the dynamic, or only for themselves? This question gets complicated when the bottom’s needs are met specifically by serving the top’s interests, or by having their needs denied. Defining one’s personal limits on how much the bottom will sacrifice for the relationship can help. In particular, it can help to identify what elements of the bottom’s identity and life, those parts of it that aren’t the dynamic itself, are more important to the bottom than their identity as a bottom to that top. But in a truly abusive dynamic, knowing the answer to this question is unlikely to be enough on its own for the victim to recognize what’s happening to them. An effective abuser can convince a victim they’re meeting the victim’s needs.

When it comes to evaluating this, one anonymous respondent said (emphasis mine):

I think there are specific things I look for, mostly in how a person communicates. Do they listen to actually understand or to build the best reply? Are they capable of shelving their own agenda in a given moment to put somebody else’s issue first, only temporarily? Are they able to express their wants and needs? Do they even know what they want?

@CarterBrulee offered an example of a dark dynamic operating with care in response to individual:

I had a dominant who never once told me he liked me. He had high levels of control over my life but he used that control and structure in ways that supported me and showed he valued me. […] He was basically always mean and cruel with words but he structured his power in a way that demonstrated that he was always thinking about what would also be good for me. Like part of our dynamic was he has to be offered any big decisions. So he chose where I did my post doc. Even though one of the positions was in his city he chose the one furthest from him because it was the best for my professional goals.

@owlfinch said:

One of my core values as a leader in the workplace is that if your primary motivation to be a leader is about what you can make other people do for you, you’re fundamentally going to be a terrible leader. I think this can be pretty much copied and pasted into a D/s context.

I’ll also highly recommend this post by @owlfinch, titled “My Dominance is not caregiving, but it is caring.” In it, owlfinch specifically names caring about understanding masochists’ suffering, the impact of her dominance, and the person themselves. “I do what I do with care, because I need to be careful,” she writes. It’s worth reading for yourself.

She also says, “My play has many edges, one that cuts both ways. In caring for my partners, I care for myself.” This is worth consideration of its own. If a sadist, particularly an emotional sadist, does not believe that their play could hurt them as well, they may not understand the gravity of what they are doing or be doing it without necessary investment.

Relationship structures that are or are not honest or respectful about how people connect and love

You’ll notice that’s oddly phrased. There’s a reason. Yes, I am talking about needs within the relationship on the polyam-mono spectrum, but other things as well.

Red flags for unhealthy dynamics here *may* include: the top dictating relationship structure without discussion because “tops have that privilege,” being told that if you were truly submissive/kinky/progressive/in Love you’d be okay with something that you aren’t, being “outvoted” and made to feel your preference hurts multiple people and you shouldn’t leave and pursue happiness, or being told you’re a “secret submissive.” (If you’re okay being the secret, please consider that this places your willingness above the existing relationships’ abilities to have informed consent to their reality.) This of course excepts mutually-consented-to DADT policies… which must include the full knowledge of the “secret” partner so that they may give full consent, too.

There were also mentions of rules being set that affect *other* relationships without those parties’ consent, be those romantic, sexual, play, or outside of kink entirely. Examples might be a rule to always pick up the phone within 3 rings regardless of where an s-type is and then that being used specifically when the D-type knows that s-type is doing important tasks or having quality time with others, or the D-type asking the s-type to never, ever share a specific fetish with anyone else, then or in the future — this may be healthy and desired, or it may be a vehicle of isolation. In particular, limiting relationships with other people who are expressing care is a frequent tool of abusers. As @Mad_Star writes in this analysis of the abuse she was confronted with by one of our old local formerly-missing-stairs,

When your partner gives you a growing list of people we “shouldn’t trust” or “should be wary of interacting with,” you take it at face value, with the assumption that they’re just looking out for your best interests. Most significantly when it is to state that the Other Two, after they have [wisely] left, are just crazy, dramatic, attention-seeking, not to be trusted. Producing wedges between us only served to give him more power—this is clear to me now.

Finally, OPP (one-penis policy) structures came up no less than a dozen times in respondents’ thoughts on what made dynamics they had been in unhealthy, and even *more* in their observations of trends among publicly outted abusers. It’s why I phrase this one as respecting “how people connect and love,” not just the people *within* the relationship. At one time, I defended OPP with “I want to do what T wants and I should have that right.” I don’t inherently disagree with that today, and plenty of mono-poly relationships do this just fine. (I also am not talking about polycules that just so happen to include only one penis.) But I now realize that a restriction placed on the line of “you can pursue relationships with people with vaginas, but not penises” is inherently disrespectful of non-heteronormative connections and indicates a conscious or unconscious belief that relationships between people with vaginas are not threats (read: not serious) in the same way as when one person has a penis. (Tell me it’s about no partners the same gender as the cismale top and not about the genitals at all, and I’ll tell you to find an OPP cismale who is cool with their partners dating transwomen who haven’t had bottom surgery.)

If you are a non-penis partner in OPP, I think your duty in not being unhealthy with *your* outside partners is to let them know your top’s restrictions and beliefs, as they deserve to know if that metamour will never see them as an equal. If all are cool with this and the implications, this may not be as much of a problem.

Appropriate coping mechanisms vs rage and playing in rage

Inappropriate coping methods can come in many forms. Tops who are able to be honest and upfront about their own issues and disappointments, with themselves at the very least, are likely to be healthier overall—anyone is, really. But in particular, punishments or “play” being an instantaneous emotional response to a negative feeling was mentioned several times, most often in the context of anger.

@sinsational said:

I enjoy partners essentially pretending to be upset with me over some random thing (like for breaking “protocol” that doesn’t exist yet, or for food being too bland or honestly “just because” is great) and hurting me in actual real terrible ways that distress me. Being kept in a semi fear state that I may get hit at any time is like a drug and I’m hooked. BUT during these interactions my partner should always be mindful of my well-being by staying in control and not acting this way during times they may ACTUALLY wish to harm me.

She told me of a time that she and a former partner slapped her in the middle of an argument as an example of this when it’s unhealthy. This is something that I see going along with the consideration and care elements mentioned above, as well as having the well-being of the bottom in mind.

This is different than play being for catharsis, which may be quite common in some forms and can be done by tops as well. However, play or things allowed in play coming from a reactionary temper is not normal, even in dark dynamics.

A dynamic that appreciates and supports your health efforts vs one that inhibits it and/or one expected to be that support itself.

Many, many, many responses said this in some way. This was one of the most striking elements for me in @SillyHilly’s abuse story, that “X even claimed [their] obsession with him would help [their] neurodivergence, as any spare moment or thought [they] had could purposefully turn to him.” This was absolutely abuse in their case. In others, it could be—at its very best—a complete misunderstanding of what neurodivergence is, which may well point to a lack of caring enough to do research about the things that impact one’s partner.

@SuspendDisbelief pointed to the difference:

good TPE: “Can we try to do D/s in a way that works with my neurodivergence by focusing me?”
bad TPE: “Obsessing over Me while I keep you secret will cure your neurodivergence”

There were several mentions I count in this section of tops telling bottoms what they want, need, or feel being a red flag — though sometimes outsiders can see us better than we can see ourselves, your own thoughts on your wants/needs/feelings being denied because a top “knows better” is likely an unhealthy trait. One anonymous respondent mentioned:

There have been times when I was not prepared to make statements about my own wellbeing because I thought it was against the dynamic. In fact, that was an indication that the dynamic was damaging me in an unintended way.

On the other hand, I personally feel very strongly that dynamics that integrate health or self-improvement measures as commands or tasks can also be unhealthy in their own way, even if not purposefully so. Your results, as always, may vary.

Partners who work on themselves and their self awareness vs those who believe they have it all figured out, often to the extent of presenting their lack of curiosity about self-improvement as a benefit.

Nobody is perfect.

AA, my abusive ex, thought he was. He used to flirtily joke that we shouldn’t go out together because there wouldn’t be enough room in the car for us and both our egos. Somehow in this, he presented his own as attractive while simultaneously deflating mine (which was bigger than now but not abnormally big—but he thought it would should be because I was with him.)

Other partners may not have thought this, but did not always show curiosity around being more self-aware. The times when I have felt both most fulfilled with and attracted to people I Love over the years have almost universally lined up with times they’re in therapy (me, too).

@zeehonk said:

When knowing yourself stops, we can quickly veer into territory that becomes unhealthy and hard to come back from.

This especially matters when it comes to how people respond to traits of their own that lead to hurt. @CarterBrulee gave as an example of healthy TPE that “when genuine problems occur or I’ve been hurt in unexpected ways, my partner wants to find ways to address them.” However, I’d personally argue that even if hurt is not presently occurring, someone who sees nothing in themselves to improve simply is not able to evaluate their behaviors with appropriate consideration for darker forms of play.

Intention vs autopilot

This overlaps with much of what has been said. But @BlackBoxOnFet helped me to further define autopilot: “it’s more than complacency because neglectfulness and insecurity on the part of the dom can really contribute to it.” BlackBox said:

an absolutely critical ingredient is the ability to look me in the eyes and say “yes, this bad/negative/unhealthy/scary thing that’s happening to you as a result of what we’re doing, I choose that. That’s what I want.” If they can’t look me in the eyes and say that, they have no business doing the thing. And if they can, I very possibly will consent. I can’t think of any examples of really painful memories on the right side of the slash that didn’t involve my partner repeatedly missing, ignoring, second-guessing, or being hostile to me sharing my actual experience of it.

On the other hand, @zeehonk said:

I had a relationship for 3ish years that could be described as a dark power exchange. It mimicked a lot of the abuse that I survived in my youth but with intention, and I thrived in it. To be able to ask for things that were scary, to learn how to feel big feelings, to recognize that I was strong, and that being weak was okay made a huge difference in my life and outlook in the world. Things turned unhealthy after we decided to dissolve our D/s dynamic because we had kept communicating with each other, but forgot to check in with ourselves. He forgot to drop the dark part of our relationship and it was no longer consensual.

This goes for any relationship. Any thing. Autopilot is death. I don’t mean it has to be exciting and hot and magic and scary all the time. Comfort is good. Comfort is not autopilot. Comfort that turns to autopilot quickly becomes discontent for someone. And dark dynamics that turn to autopilot end in serious harm, for so many reasons.

Then again, magic is distilled intent, said a dear friend to me once when they were not on this website. Today they are, and the partner of another dear friend who is attracted to the dark same as I. So I take it back. Do things with intent, and they will be magic all the time.

These, of course, are not all-encompassing. I tried to get in as many of the most–often-named elements as I could. Other thoughts worth considering but not directly linked to the above include:

• “telling you that their educator status is evidence that they are safe and can be trusted. Basically every educator that I find good and trustworthy would never call out their status as a teacher as a reason to play with them,” from @CarterBrulee
• “It is very risky for people to engage in any sort of power exchange or authority transfer without having an understanding of power differentials and intersectionality. Even if people know how to negotiate, people need to know that, most of the time, we don’t come to the “negotiation table” on even footing. The more power someone holds over someone, the more potential there is for manipulation and coercion to occur (sometimes even unintentionally),” from @-Cosmopolite-
• Insistence on substance use before play, alongside a pattern of only pushing for more than had been previously discussed once the bottom is in an altered headspace (As someone who consensually plays with forced intoxication, I want to point to the word “insistence” in that especially)
• Inconsistencies, mentioned both in regards to what one says/writes/teaches vs what one does, and in regards to oneself.

Now, I know some (perhaps many) of you may be asking:
Isn’t it possible that some of this is done without some awareness from the other party?

Sure.
One anonymous respondent says (in the context of communication):

It is never fair to expect someone perfect, or to expect someone to have perfect mastery over these skills. Masters are human too. But a person who cultivates these skills is cultivating themselves to be a successful human in a relationship, which is a necessary element, in my experience, of a successful power exchange of any intensity.

I agree and will say this more in part IV. Nobody starts from 100%. Nobody should be expected to. Taking feedback and working on it is what a healthy person does.

Another shares:

I’ve definitely seen D-types have serial relationships, just one after a fucking another, where their partners mental health, one after another, dissolves during the dynamic. The first one or two times, maybe that’s a learning curve or bad fit. More than that starts to look really, really bad. I find it very hard to believe that they’re actually unaware of the effects of their actions in power exchange once I see it happen to three or more people.

But this may not be helpful if you don’t know their past or you actually are the first to go into a dynamic like this with them. (And seeing or not seeing these things also doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of change, but they will need to put in work, likely with a therapist.)

And I’m not saying that if you or your partner are on the wrong side of some of the “vs” here that you are absolutely unhealthy.
But I’m asking you to stay curious and to consider often what makes you sure.
For more on this, please see Part III.

Should you want to join in on the conversation in the comments of my writings, you can find the original Fetlife post of this one here.

CONTENTS:
START HERE: Unhealthy vs Healthy TPE: Context and Definitions
Part II: What makes for a healthy/unhealthy TPE (according to me and others)
Part III: Questions to ask yourself to tell if *your* dark dynamic or TPE is unhealthy or not
Part IV: You know someone whose dynamic seems unhealthy, or yours is and you want to stay. Now what?
—

If you’re here, you probably have read the list of elements commonly named as differing in unhealthy vs healthy TPE (total power exchange). (If you haven’t, go read that first.) Still, particularly in “dark dynamics” where the s-type is very intentionally entering into and desiring something that may have heavy emotional S/m, CNC, mimicking of abuse cycles, or other similar elements, it is especially difficult to tell when you have crossed the line into something that is actually abusive. In the answers I used to compile that first post, several mentioned how difficult it can be to see from inside the dynamic. They mentioned what one of my three big answers (or rather questions) to the title question here: how you can tell if you’re in an unhealthy or abusive dynamic isn’t necessarily how the relationship is going. It’s how it affects everything else.

How is the dynamic affecting your life?

@jessie suggested considering if someone is “thriving” to evaluate this, though @SillyHilly pointed out that in dark dynamics, one may not want to feel that they are thriving all the time. Still, it’s a question worth asking yourself along with if that’s what you want.

Those I spoke with mentioned changes in sleeping patterns, in how much you enjoy solo activities that you used to, in performance at work, in ability to stay connected to old friends and family. This, like everything else here, is tricky — I can imagine scenarios for every one of these where, on a short-term basis, changing this in a dark dynamic could be consensual and hot. My key is intentionality. If it is not the intention to do these because it is *desired*, and they are affected… that’s a big red flag. And let me note that this goes for tops too, particularly if more is placed in their laps than they can handle.

@just_heather said:

When BDSM is healthy, I feel empowered, stronger, fierce AF, and generally thrive in my life. When BDSM is not healthy for me, I feel more insecure, I neglect my self-care, I may isolate due to depression, or not exercise/eat healthy, etc. I know some people might give me shit about this due to placing too much pressure on the dominant regarding the submissive’s mental, emotional, physical well-being but if the dynamic is TPE/CNC including ESM this is everything for my life.

Is this a dynamic you defend, or are you a proactive clean-up crew?

I once read a writing from someone who managed to leave an abusive relationship about how they often felt part of a “clean-up crew.” (If you know who wrote this, let me know so I can give credit!) They went in when things happened with their partner that might cause a public shitstorm and through their writings, pictures, and the like, subverted it. I recognized my former self in it immediately–and parts of what was my self at the time, too. I see it now in others all the time.

Now, when you’re in a dark dynamic, or if you engage in edge play, or any number of things, people will sometimes make insensitive and rude comments that make you feel the need to defend yourself, your partner, or your relationship to them. I don’t see anything wrong with that. The difference is this: when things were unhealthy, with *both* T and AA, I felt like I needed to come forward and justify things I knew would ruffle feathers before any pitchforks came. I wasn’t asked to by either. I didn’t need to be. It isn’t the *fact* I was the clean-up crew that was unhealthy. I just knew, when they did some things, that I should do this “service”–not for me, but for them.

What I should have seen is that by the very fact that there were times I felt I needed to do that, some part of me knew that things that were happening needed to be justified. This is certainly a potential red flag.

Yes, Loving someone makes you not want to see them attacked for something they shouldn’t be. But their own behaviors will speak to that. And if you are ever finding yourself pre-emptively thinking how you will explain something they have done… that’s worth asking yourself about.

Are you open to bringing up the things that are unhealthy and how they might be fixed?

You’ll note that I didn’t mention what the response is here. This is a question about willingness to have those discussions.

@owlfinch said:

More practically speaking, the only difference between dark TPE dynamics and abuse is consent. The corollary to this is that both parties should feel like they have the ability to negotiate for a change in the shape of the relationship without fear of harm. And I think “feel” is a super key term here. If either party feels unsafe about bringing up issues in the dynamic, oops you done an abuse.

@Darren_Campbell** said:

I think the hallmark of any good relationship is “I feel safe to share my fears and concerns with you, especially the ones that will be hard for you to hear”. The more extreme the risk profile of the relationship is and the higher the stakes are, the more this becomes an issue if that safety isn’t there.

The response matters too, of course. But it’s so easy to tell ourselves nothing goes unseen by our domlier and wiser partners and they must have a grand plan and it will adjust with time and in all these ways, to never bring it up and avoid the issue. Let me tell you this much: any partner worth their salt will be able to at the *very* least explain why they disagree, calmly and in a way that doesn’t harm you. If you do not feel sure they can’t, ask yourself what makes you sure they won’t harm you in other ways at other times.

While some things are unequivocally non-debatably abusive, such as intentional consent violations, I’m not saying that if one person is unhappy with a structure, the relationship should autoshift to how THEY want, **or** that someone should go along with someone else’s desire to do something when they know they want the opposite. I know this is complicated. My point here is that in healthy dynamics, the structure has been mutually agreed upon—up to and including “we mutually agree all calls on this are this person’s.” Likewise, if anyone has any shifts in needs, all are made aware as soon as that person is sure of it. It is truly a deep sign of respect for you to say “I have determined I need [this]” and then trust that if all parties don’t feel able to do that, it will be in everyone’s best interest to step away.

Do you have a support system? Do you see their concern as caring or threatening?

In collecting answers for these writings, @mondkatze said:

It was the realization that this was steadily deteriorating me as an entity (mostly through uncontrolled emotional violence outside of specific episodes) that made me realize it was toxic and needed to end (therapy and friends really helped with getting an outside baseline on this–it’s really hard when you’re inside of a dynamic to figure out what’s up and what’s down).

If you can’t put together one or two people who can monitor the situation, then you don’t have the experience or support network to do something this intense, and should start with more constrained expressions of D/s.

Support is important for way more reasons than determining whether or not something is toxic. They’re people who you can share joys with and who you can go to in times of drop or low confidence. They’re people who you can gush with about great scenes. They’re people who care about you and want to see you happy.

In one of the answers quoted in the prior writing, a dear friend of mine mentions how in her abusive dynamic, there was an ever-growing list of “people we shouldn’t trust.” (I was one of them. This wasn’t solely because I was publicly excited about and knowledgeable around the darker forms of play they engaged in, but it definitely wasn’t NOT a part of that.) And sure, there are absolutely people that are not trustworthy with your relationships. Some people out there will actively undermine your happiness for any of a myriad of reasons. That’s true. But you’re an individual, so if someone tells you “we” shouldn’t trust someone… Ask yourself: are those people ones who you’d previously called friends? What makes you not want to anymore? Did their behaviors change somehow? Would these behaviors have been things you *independently* drew away from, if a partner didn’t tell you to?

This one is *tough,* because it absolutely hurts if loved ones judge us or the people we Love. It can seem like a personal affront. But it’s important. It’s important to have people that care about you and are concerned about you, even if that concern is misguided. It’s especially important with dark dynamics. If someone tells you “don’t ask people about this, because they don’t understand us and why we do what we do,” I assure you. There are plenty of us who understand it and more. And honestly, your partner should want you to have an external support system for their safety too. A good friend or ally can call you out on the things you do that sabotage your relationship.

And if that concern *is* misguided? Please don’t let that be a reason to cut them off. Good friends don’t judge by association, either, so if the concern isn’t about you, it isn’t about you, beyond the fact that they care about your safety. If there’s really nothing unhealthy going on, over time, your partner will be able to redeem themselves in the eyes of your friend as your friend sees that you are not negatively affected by this situation. If you don’t trust that that will happen, you *definitely* have something to consider. It’s up to you if it’s about not believing your partner will impact your life in positive ways, or your friend being closed off to the idea of being wrong about someone.

Support may also look like supporting yourself through ongoing kink education. AA didn’t understand the desire to educate myself and involve myself in community. As a submissive, as a bottom, why would I have any need? I needed to trust that he was educating himself. He was the one who was acting upon me, and so only he needed to know anything about anything.

If it is not obvious, this is incredibly untrue. And in fact, a top may be thoroughly educated about a kink, but that does not mean a bottom shouldn’t educate themselves too–this is the only way they can ever *know* they are risk aware. This is why I value being empowered over simply informed. You can’t *give* someone informed consent, not fully. They cannot verify they really are informed without also informing themselves, with consideration to their own mind, body, and needs.

So then what?

Beyond these questions? Well, my answer is imperfect. I know that. But it is the only real one I have.

I don’t know other people’s brains, so I can’t say if this will be for you how it is for me. But I have known, somewhere inside myself, every time I have allowed myself to be mistreated. If you find yourself making excuses for why they are doing that to you, if you find yourself searching for things you did that justified it, if you catch yourself asking questions like are presented in these writings and then turning the volume down on those thoughts before you can answer–I want you to pay attention to those moments. I want you to turn that volume back up and ask if you are being listened and responded to. I want you to ask if you feel free to communicate authentically with your partner at all.

And if the answers are no, I want you to message me, when you’re ready. These posts are a novella as they are, and I don’t know if I will have answers or that you even have questions. But at the very least, I’d like to be someone who you know is listening.

Go on to the last part of this series by clicking here.

Should you want to join in on the conversation in the comments of my writings, you can find the original Fetlife post of this one here.

CONTENTS:
START HERE: Unhealthy vs Healthy TPE: Context and Definitions
Part II: What makes for a healthy/unhealthy TPE (according to me and others)
Part III: Questions to ask yourself to tell if *your* dark dynamic or TPE is unhealthy or not
Part IV: You know someone whose dynamic seems unhealthy, or yours is and you want to stay. Now what?
—

What can you do if you know someone whose dynamic seems unhealthy?

You can be their friend.

You could send them red flag lists out the wazoo. You could send them this post, even. You could tell them you’re concerned, or flat out what you think — but none of these are likely to get them out. In some cases, depending on the level of control, this may even cause them to be cut off from you by the abuser.

Part of the problem here is the nature of dark dynamics themselves. If they entered interested in that and were not coerced into it, they likely can look at a typical list of red flags and see a list of things that they are into. Hell, I still can. It is my belief that with vigilance, that is totally okay. I support the kind of empowerment that comes from following your true desires. It does not have to be your belief. But you should know that one of the biggest things that keeps people in abusive situations is shame.

No one wants to be told their interests and turn-ons are 1:1 what makes something abusive (and they aren’t.) If it isn’t abusive, being their friend is what will allow you to see how the relationship affects them over time and figure out it isn’t harming them. You may even learn a thing or two.

But people also don’t like to be wrong about their hearts. They don’t want to hear “I told you so.” They don’t want to say “I’ll leave next time” to you and prove themselves wrong. They are afraid you will get frustrated with them. They are afraid you won’t understand. They don’t understand.

But they may need someone to talk to one day. They may need a couch to sleep on. And so your unconditional support and building them up continually, for as long as that takes and even if it doesn’t, means so much.

Whatever you do, though, please be careful about your phrasing. When people finally told me their concerns about AA… Well, it was after, because they only saw the hearts in my eyes. The few who did see it at the beginning said things like “he’s such a dick.” And he was, but I loved him. So people who talked about my love to me like that… How could they be my friend, I wondered. Nobody ever brought up that it could be affecting me too. Nobody ever told me there were red flags about a relationship. They just talked shit. When I needed people, I’d already cut them off.

When someone came directly to me about T, I’d already figured it out, and things were improving — but you know, I had already heard their concerns through the grapevine, and they did not flatter me. I heard of being the next in the harem, new meat, easily manipulated. Everyone was talking. If you are talking like that about someone’s partner, don’t think they don’t know. Do you think I was going to reach out to people talking about me like that?

Be a friend. Talk to that person. Leave breadcrumbs, sure. Bring them to educational events if you can. But most of all, support them. Ask good questions. Don’t push too hard. And build them up. Their self-esteem is taking a heavy hit. They need to hear that they deserve to feel as gorgeous as they are. They need to hear that they should be heard.

I think I might be in an unhealthy TPE. But it’s not abusive, and I don’t want to leave. Is it hopeless?

Here we are at the big question.

I do not live or Love within a fantasy.
This is what I start to get at in my context post.
I say I am in my dream dynamic, and I am. But this was not a perfect path and we are not perfect people, and I have been hurt in more distant and more recent ways and I am always doing the work to be authentic with my hurt and to keep expecting that “healthy” means my partner is always doing the work to listen and respond to that accordingly.

The relationship I entered a decade(ish) ago is not the relationship I speak of when I teach. The same person, yes. But it feels different. I behave differently. I give feedback on (undesirably) painful things without bracing to be shut down. I am not pitted against anyone past or present. I am not fighting for my place anymore. I am living my life for me, and it includes my partner. My life isn’t for my partner. It’s with Him. Yes, I submit. Yes, I enjoy being forced to. Yes, I do service. However, my existence itself and my choosing to stay in a dynamic is *not* an aspect of that submission or service.

Today, things that support my mental health are not merely in existence, but encouraged. I have a support system that knows even the worst of Him and when I am hurting He reminds me I can talk to them. They know the details in the weeds. But what’s most important is that He does not need to remind me. I feel empowered to reach out about bad things, when before, there was an unspoken code of silence in public — it would look too bad to say things weren’t perfect. Way back before, I would have been terrified to post something like all this. Today… I don’t care? I know why I feel I need to post it. And no, this doesn’t make me a bad submissive. Because I also *know* that if I believe something is important, a healthy partner will trust me on that.

This is a dark dynamic, but it is one of mutual respect and understanding. It is one where I am empowered to communicate, and where I believe what I communicate will be considered, even if it is not the outcome I expect. Domination and romance is not on an autopilot. It is responsive to me.

I remember a moment in the Bad Times where I made some sort of vow to the universe: if he keeps me, I will hide any of my depression, I said. Any of my mercurial nature, my passing boredom that has nothing to do with circumstances and everything to do with my miswired brain—I will fake it. T will never know. I will always be additive and positive and lift him up.

God, I remember it so well. It hurt so much to be.

Planning to fake it. I didn’t know then about the fawn response. If I wasn’t fighting or fleeing, it wasn’t a trauma response. That’s what I thought. But it’s not that simple. Back then, this, for me, was a reaction to trauma.

So what changed?

This is a long and complicated answer, and these writings are a novella on their own as is. I originally did plan to tell the whole story here, but to give all the nuance and history, I will need to write something *much* more in-depth. And I plan to.

In the meantime, I have a few answers.

I firmly believe you cannot change another person. You can only change yourself. So what’s different between a toxic and a healthy relationship? Between AA and T, but also in earlier years with T from later on? Within or without it being the same person, the difference is… me. It’s what I feel. It’s how I act.

It’s important to know that I did not feel our connection was unhealthy at the time. I say in the writing before this one that I have come to believe that I have known, somewhere inside myself, every time I’ve been mistreated. And that’s true: I knew I felt bad and there was something going on in the relationship causing it. But it was buried deep, and back then, with a low level of self-confidence, I could always ascribe that to something I’d done. I could always tell myself it might not happen again. And for the majority of the cases I can remember, they didn’t. So I didn’t bring up the ones that did.

Even now, I have never felt abused. I have, in retrospect, seen times that I was coerced or otherwise felt unable to communicate. I couldn’t see those then. I had to learn how. This is one of the many reasons I believe everyone should be in therapy. Engrained patterns of silencing myself and blaming myself were there before the relationship, and the behaviors in the relationship allowed that to thrive, which allowed the behaviors to thrive, which meant that I, as a person, did not.

We had jumped right into dark TPE, and I don’t regret that and I still don’t think that new people shouldn’t, if that’s what they want. And we did have some of the prep-work conversations very early on: what does this collar mean to you? What’s an interest and what’s not? Do you understand that no-safeword play comes with a risk?

But we didn’t discuss things like what we’d do after unintentional consent violations or what could happen for either of us if degradation play stopped a little past when it should. We didn’t talk about the way both our mental health and relationship patterns could react to D/s. We didn’t talk about our romantic or companionship needs from each other. We didn’t know to; I didn’t know enough of my needs because I didn’t talk about my relationship in therapy until after I could see the problems for myself.

Finding a kink-aware professional is incredibly important in dark TPE, if you have the means. Even if things are good. Because yes, I changed, but what allowed *me* to change—not just the relationship and how it affected me—was therapy. And it remains therapy today—importantly, on both sides and as individuals. (Which is not to say that relationship counseling can’t be effective as well, but it has not been right for our particular challenges.)

Once I started working on myself, the second thing that changed was my confidence in bringing things up. I’ve told a few of you that I don’t think any of this would have gotten better had we not switched to monogamy. But I don’t say that to imply monogamy is WHY things became healthy. (Unhealthy and healthy exist in all forms of monogamy and polyamory.) It’s that it was the realization of my need for monogamy that brought me to a boiling point of “I have to state this.” It was the one that I couldn’t not (though I should have valued other items just as much.) He thought about it over a few days. And then we tried. We hit roadbumps for a while, and as a result, had more discussions about operationalizing our definitions of monogamy. From there, we had more and more discussions that we never had at first. The strength I mustered up to understand that if I couldn’t have a need filled, it’d be the best thing for both of us for me to leave; the validation of that feeling heard and actively considered—these then made it possible for me to go on to state other things as a result.

Things became really good. *Really* good. Fairytale good, or so I thought.
Both our therapists (at different times for different reasons) stopped practicing, and we didn’t get new ones. Why would we? Everything was fantastic.

If you can’t see where this is going, things got bad again for us both, at different times for different reasons. Not bad-bad. Not like it was. Still, not good either.

With the help of my (new) therapist, I recently newly noticed some Things I Didn’t Say. As one example, my partner and I had a discussion about going out and hanging out with other people, something we don’t do much. If you’ve invited us somewhere in the last two years, we’ve probably declined. Or rather, I have. Because after a lot of “no” answers from Him, I stopped ever asking.

I had made that decision for Him. I did it to avoid conflict. I did it to avoid disappointment of my own.

This is codependency, old patterns I’d worked myself out of, and their rising again was a symptom of toxicity. We weren’t unhealthy in the way we *used* to be, but it was a sign I wasn’t bringing enough up. It meant discussing the ways that He turns things down, how I respond to those responses and what He doesn’t pick up on and what I hide; it meant we don’t discuss the social aspect of life enough. And look, this is something I didn’t figure out I was doing for a while. This is just one example, but I give it to show how things that are bothering you about a relationship can be considered and addressed… or not. Not addressing them can be a symptom that there’s more that runs deeper.

So that’s what I’d recommend for next steps: therapists and hard work and a lot of awareness and analysis and discussion and thinking and doing it all over again. What’s more, while it’s important at first, when things are good, it’s still important. I will never again be comfortable with either of us not being in therapy. We both need to work. We both need to know beyond a fraction of a doubt that I wouldn’t stay and wait for unhealthy things I noticed to change on their own again. That I’d bring it up once, and then, if discussed solutions didn’t start, I’d leave. I hope He’d do the same.

When it was really unhealthy before, I would never have done that. I would have “known,” no doubt in my mind, that the problem was me. I would have suffered willingly because I would have told myself that if it keeps happening, that’s on me. I would have told myself that since that was on me, I wouldn’t leave for something so small as being mistreated.

That’s the difference.

Being mistreated is never small.
And it’s never your fault.

You may need to do the work to recognize just what the core is and to be ready to communicate what’s going to change going forward, and to leave if it doesn’t.

There’s happiness on the other end. That, I believe most of all.

This was the last of these writings (for now). Thank you so incredibly much for whatever amount of time you’ve put into reading them.

Should you want to join in on the conversation in the comments of my writings, you can find the original Fetlife post of this one here.