I don’t play with safewords or hard limits. While I have preferences, I have universally consented to anything my Owner wants to do to me. I’m very comfortable with this and also discuss/argue it frequently.
Today, I was told I am careless for discussing this openly, and that I may harm those new to kink by placing them in a position where they can be conned and manipulated.
After all: without a safeword or limit, somebody could hack me up with a chainsaw, or so I’m told.
Yes, it’s true. There are those who say “I won’t play with somebody if they insist on limits; it’ll cramp my style.” That’s a con. But there are also those who say “that is not the relationship/play I want. It has never been,” and who find those who say the same. The difference is active, mutual choice. Both parties wanting it, when all other factors are equal.
Let me be totally clear: if I had wanted this and a top did not, I would have respected that and not forced them into a style of play they didn’t consent to. I also would have known we would not be a long-term match. Just like preferences on age, gender, religious belief, amount of openness, and so on, this was an immovable preference for me (I suppose you could say having to give limits was a hard limit.) I think my partner would say the same. With casual play partners, I have used both things. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them — they just will not give me what I want in a relationship.
This works because nobody had to be talked into it, and because I have no fear of bringing it up if I should ever feel uncomfortable. This is something we discussed and have re-discussed over time. We are both fully capable of (and fully trusting of the other in) communicating our interests and the potential physical/emotional reactions involved, as well as communicating in-scene what is going on. Because of all this, He gets the final say.
I will continue to speak about this — how we do it, why we do it, why I can do it with Him, and so on — and I don’t think it is careless. I think new and impressionable people need to be told that there’s no such thing as a right answer in kink. I think there needs to be demonstrable cases of people building partnerships and scenes that look the way they want and saying “it is okay if your play is like this. It is okay for you to want this.” If, new to the scene, I had read people saying “the kind of relationship you want is going to be abusive every single time” I would never have sought my happiness.
Forgoing a safeword does not make you more likely to be a victim of assault. Neither does saying you do not have hard limits. To claim these things lead to assault is a form of victim-blaming wherein the assaulter is not fully responsible for their actions. Safewords can be good tools for those who use them. They are not the only way to do things. Discussion of interests, emotional transparency, and using words like “don’t touch me there again” or “the tie on my upper left arm needs to be moved down an inch” are also excellent tools.
There is nothing wrong with trusting the people you play with to have common sense. There is nothing wrong with expecting the people you play with to be honest about their desires.
There is nothing about playing on the edge that makes assault any more likely or warranted than any other time.
And besides, if someone were going to break my kneecaps without discussion if I didn’t list it as a hard limit, they weren’t going to listen to a safeword, anyway.
I came to kink wanting full surrender. I fantasized about helplessness and the turning over of control. I wanted to Love a man who I knew could kill me, and who I knew could take me through the full spectrum of human experience without doing so. For me to roleplay this, to still have a way out, would be to live unfulfilled.
And I am simply unwilling to compromise on my desires.
Note: since I first wrote this, it has come up that my monogamy may be considered a hard limit by some. I am referring here to what I have barred my Owner from doing to me and commanding me to do within the context of our dynamic and relationship, seeing monogamy as already essential to that context. I recognize and understand why others see it as the same as other hard limits and if this is the case for you, then yes, I do have a hard limit.
