CNC

18
Jun
2024

Avoiding Long-Term Trauma from CNC + Traumatic Play: a research-optimized framework for aftercare

Nearly every time I put out a call for topics related to CNC, these days, someone asks that I cover how to keep traumatic play from becoming long-term trauma, a response that can easily harm individual ability to thrive in daily life, both kinky and vanilla.

I get why. The majority of the attention in educational spheres here is often paid to the technical skills, emotional dynamics, and negotiation and communication elements of play — I, too, focus on these most when I teach CNC; the class itself is called “Negotiation and Communication for CNC.” Conversations about aftercare happen, but they often revolve around providing first aid and what helps guide the bottom and top alike to a soft landing. Personally, I’ll often mention that aftercare needs can look different for different people, that some like the cozy “build back up” style of aftercare and that for others, like myself, this feels like invalidating the more intense play, and I’ll recommend negotiating aftercare ahead of time (including a plan for unintentional consent violations) so that both bottoms and tops can ensure their needs will be met.

But evidence-based practices need not just be kept to in-scene psychology, and the development of skills can extend to that too. I believe that skillful, intentional aftercare should be an integral part of any scene, particularly for those of us who intentionally mess with potentially-traumatic kinds of play. What you might not know is that there’s actually a science to optimizing aftercare based on how human nervous systems respond to and recover from high-intensity experiences. I started diving into this research in preparation for the fear class I did a little bit ago, and from this, I’ve translated some of the best practices for keeping crises from becoming long-term trauma into a framework of aftercare for potentially-traumatic play.

Before I get into it, I want to acknowledge that some may have clicked on this wondering why the hell people would ever play in a way that can traumatize them. This isn’t just for play that dances around trauma intentionally, for whom playing might be a transformative catharsis, an exploration of more intense power dynamics, or a way to come into contact with a broader spectrum of human experience — a safeword can go unheard in a loud space, an unexpected fear response can lead to a freeze response for a usually communicative bottom, the wrong song can come on in the public dungeon and trigger someone playing in some specific way. (The couple I know most negatively impacted by trauma created by play was doing a relatively “tame” degradation and impact scene and things just fell into place in a way that did harm.) Not everyone desires to engage in play that edges into the psychologically intense or potentially traumatic, and that’s a perfectly valid choice.

It’s also important I say that this framework is NOT a guarantee of staving off long-term trauma. I strongly believe there is no BDSM that can be made 100% safe, and my goal is only to give ways to make it safe-R. But if you are a bottom or top considering exploring more intense edgeplay, or if you want to have something in place just in case lighter play does take an unexpected turn, this is a research-based aftercare plan that is still flexible for individuals that may contribute to recovery.

So what does the science say about the most effective elements of aftercare? Though I looked at a pretty large handful of research in preparation for the fearplay class I did a few weeks back, I find the most useful framework to be from a paper published in the academic journal Psychiatry in which researchers Hobfoll et al. analyze the empirical literature on helping people recover from extreme stress. Though engaging in CNC or any kind of recreational fear is clearly VERY different than living through a true crisis, they identify five key principles that can translate into how we plan for aftercare: promoting a sense of 1) safety, 2) calming, 3) a sense of self- and collective efficacy, 4) connectedness, and 5) hope. I’ll break those down one-by-one along with some examples of how this might apply. All quotations unless otherwise cited are from that paper mentioned, which is listed fully at the end of the writing. All emphasis of parts of said quotations via bolding is my own.

1. Promoting a sense of safety

After a scene that evokes helplessness, terror, or loss of control, the first and most important need is often to reestablish a sense of safety. Trauma memories, Hobfoll et al. note, “often subjectively feel as if they are happening ‘right now'” and if “safety is not restored, reminders will be omnipresent and contribute to an ongoing sense of exaggerated threat, preventing a return to a psychological sense of safety.” Though someone may *think* they want the psychological soothing of intimacy and connection first, taking care of the immediate first aid needs first matters both as far as the health and safety in the current moment and the bottom being able to subconsciously trust their safety needs will be taken care of in the *future.* This helps avoid a stall in the crisis mode of experiencing something “traumatic.” Hydration and replenishing nourishment like healthy salts and sugars belongs here too.

Safety does also mean a “felt” sense of safety, and this might be in the form of reducing associations of the details of the scene environment with the scene itself — because “once a context or a situation has been perceived as threatening, neutral or ambiguous stimuli are more likely to be interpreted as dangerous.” Reconfirming the neutrality of said stimuli might mean spending some time with each other afterward in the same space without it being energized in the same way, removing any toys that someone is afraid of from sight, or playing the same music in a more neutral setting to “de-charge” it. Importantly, the authors also note that “Safety, by extension, involves safety from bad news, rumors, and other interpersonal factors that increase threat perception.” This confirmed for me something that entered into my preparing-for-after-before procedures long ago: I go onto my social medias and block words associated with certain kinds of news from coming up on my feed, if not use an app to block the social media entirely, and I provide reasons I cannot be contacted for a few days to family members who are more likely to cause interpersonal angst.

Other things that might fall under this category, depending on the players’ individual preferences, include:
– Changes in lighting
– Verbal reassurance that the scene is over
– A more neutral, quiet space for one or more parties to collect themselves
– The top maintaining a calm but dominant presence
– Minimal talking and a focus on stabilizing breathing
– Direct, simple praise for facing the challenges of the scene

In either case, communicate clearly in advance about what will help you feel most secure and safe. On one’s own, reminders can be set to ensure one is taking one’s meds/eating/hydrating/sleeping, first aid kits can be used, and CBT techniques can be utilized to reconfirm the facts of one’s safety and consent.

2. Promoting calming

Intense CNC and adjacent play tend to activate a powerful sympathetic nervous system response. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline flood the body, leading to shaking, racing heartbeat, hypervigilance, emotional lability, or a feeling of being “revved up.” This category covers things that help the body and mind transition out of that agitated state and return to calm. Hobfoll et al. write:

Some anxiety is a normal and healthy response required for vigilance. Hence, there is no reason to be alarmed at somewhat heightened levels of arousal or, paradoxically, numbing responses that provide some needed psychological insulation during the initial period of responding (Breznitz, 1983; Bryant, Harvey, Guthrie, & Moulds, 2003). The question is whether such arousal or numbing increases and remains at such a level as to interfere with sleep, eating, hydration, decision making, and performance of life tasks. Such disruptions of necessary tasks and normal life rhythms are not only impairing, but potential precipitants of incapacitating anxiety that may lead to anxiety disorders.

Research-based techniques to promote calming that could be used in aftercare might include:
– Slow, deep breathing
– Guided relaxation or meditation exercises
– Soothing music or nature sounds
– Weighted blankets — a sense of “gravity” is demonstrably helpful with acute anxiety
– Grounding mindfulness techniques, such as literally noticing contact points with the ground (not to be confused with “earthing,” which may be individually helpful for personal reasons but lacks any science-based evidence)
– Rest

Things that individuals know calm them *personally* do matter, as does a de-escalation of anything anxiety-provoking about the scene. For example, though I do not always want my Owner to suddenly become ultra-cuddly and “romantic” unless this is His topcare need or desire, as this makes me *personally* feel as if the scene was “for me” which is NOT what I want, the onslaught of the many ways He might assert His ownership over me may decrease or slow a bit at this time.

This is also where they discuss psychological debriefing, something which is helpful for some bottoms and tops after intense scenes but not for everyone. In fact, there’s some amount of evidence that requiring a verbal debrief in the immediate aftermath of traumatic experience can *increase* arousal at the time where calm is most needed, exacerbating the stress reactions and leading to increased chances of chronic traumatic reaction. It may be worthwhile to wait a day or two after the scene before a debrief session with your partner(s). At the same time, normalizing and validating an experience — yes, anyone going through that would feel anxious; yes, it’s natural to be agitated right now and you are not crazy for feeling that way — falls into evidence-backed methods of calming as well.

Finally, the researchers do note a few other methods of calming that may be counter-productive. The examples from their work are that while the use of alcohol or benzodiazepines (outside of the way in which they are prescribed) may be calming in the moment, utilizing these things in the immediate aftermath of acute trauma has been shown to increase the likelihood of PTSD in the long-term.

3. Promoting a sense of self- and collective efficacy

Bottoms who are drawn to CNC or other intense psychological play often describe a sense of being dramatically “unmade” or destabilized by the experience. For some of us, this is even what we WANT from our play. But a scene that challenges resilience or sense of self can temporarily disrupt feelings of autonomy and capability in a way that can lead to more chronic detrimental results. Effective aftercare ought to help one reconnect to agency, power and self-worth while also letting them feel held in a web of supportive and effective community. And this is where I also might expect there to be some amount of pushback, because some people do prefer their aftercare environment to be one in which the bottom is fully “taken care of” by the other… but in reality, ensuring that everyone does at least one small thing *for themselves* to underscore self-efficacy can be part of the recovery process.

In this case, self-efficacy is defined as “the sense that individual’s belief that his actions are likely to lead to generally positive outcomes, principally through self-regulation of thought, emotions, and behavior” and collective efficacy is “the sense that one belongs to a group that is likely to experience positive outcomes.”

Ways to promote self-efficacy in aftercare might include:
– Offering specific, authentic praise for anything that has been overcome, and–perhaps more importantly–the way communication and coping skills were used during the scene, helping the other party recognize how they demonstrated said skills if needed
– Encouraging them to ask for what they need (and I assure you, this can be done in both a warm-and-fuzzy and very NOT warm-and-fuzzy sort of way depending on preference)
– Reminders that struggling at times doesn’t mean “failure”
– Asking questions about things the other party is passionate about and an expert in in such a way that allows them to ground themselves in their own self-knowledge
– If in a power exchange, commanding the bottom do certain tasks for themselves that the top knows them to be capable of

Collective efficacy can be reinforced by:
– Highlighting investment in the other party’s care and wellbeing beyond the scene
– Spending low-key vanilla time together doing something productive (even if just cleaning up the playroom together!)
– Checking in with a pre-arranged emergency contact to confirm all is well
– Expressions of commitment to mutual growth and learning

Either party can also actively support their own “efficacy mindset” by planning confidence-boosting affirmations to recite, making a list of their strengths to review after challenging scenes, or scheduling activities that reinforce their competence and agency in the days following intense play.

4. Promoting connectedness

Hobfoll et al. observe that those who lack strong social support, who are likely to be more socially isolated, or whose support system might provide undermining messages are especially vulnerable after a major stress experience. Humans have a deep-rooted need to feel securely bonded and valued by others, and skillful aftercare draws on the power of healthy attachment to soothe raw nervous systems and remind one of belonging.

Depending on preferences, promoting connectedness in aftercare *could* involve activities such as:
– Sitting quietly together without pressure for anything in particular (including conversation)
– Cuddling, holding and physical affection
– Softly spoken words of appreciation, reassurance and care
– Choosing a funny or engaging show to watch together
– Reminders of all the people in one’s life who love and value them
– Inviting each other to share what’s being felt while listening actively
– Leaning on other friends/partners or similarly-inclined people for support

…and that last one is where I consider myself *so* lucky to be in THREE Discord servers of edgeplay-inclined people who I know I can go to who will help me feel valid and comfortable in my desires, who I know will not shame me if something hasn’t gone as I’d hoped in-scene — if you play with riskier and “edgier” elements, I HIGHLY recommend finding a group of kinksters you align with in this way to share with first before sharing with the general Fetlife public who can sometimes be quite cruel.

Separately from one’s play partner, someone might promote their own sense of connectedness by reaching out to other friends or partners for check-ins and TLC, spending time in favorite “third places,” connecting to communal spiritual/religious practices, or even just journaling about the supportive people and communities in their life.

5. Instilling hope

In the raw, tender state of aftercare, it’s important to orient toward positive expectancy for the future. This doesn’t mean minimizing or rushing your partner or yourself through any challenging emotions that are arising — it’s offering compassionate reassurance of possessing the strength and resources to metabolize this experience and use it for growth and/or providing something in the future to look forward to.

This is NOT the same thing as re-enforcing self-efficacy or self-agency, which is noted by this paper’s authors as an “expressly upper-middle class Western view” of hopefulness. There are ways that they find “hinging hope on an internal sense of agency alone” to be even riskier. Instead, benefit-finding and envisioning realistic ways that an experience could be made better in the future (even if the experience is already a good one!) are recommended as hope-building interventions. Sharing things that went poorly with a broader public in an educational “incident report” fashion, when one is ready, can even be interpreted psychologically as a form of problem-solving, the inherent possibilities of helping others to avoid the same outcome therefore providing this sense of hope as well.

Other potential strategies to instill hope in aftercare include:
– Reminders that intense feelings are normal and will shift in time
– Reframing the scene as a growth experience to be proud of
– Actively working to replace catastrophizing-based thinking with fact-based cognition
– Planning simple enjoyable activities to look forward to in the days ahead
– Committing to concrete forms of ongoing support and checking in

Alone, one can self-inspire hope by surrounding themselves with upbeat media (whatever that means to them), keeping a log of challenging experiences they’ve successfully navigated, helping someone else in need, or connecting with their core values and reasons for optimism.

—

These five steps aren’t necessarily meant as a checklist where you choose one activity for each and boom, that’s aftercare. This should still be negotiated according to the preferences of all involved parties along with personal interpretations of what each of these items mean. I firmly believe that how aftercare is approached itself is something worth debriefing later on too, as it does impact how one might view play when they look back on it and how they approach similar play in the future.

Those who regularly engage in heavier psychological play may also wish to assess whether they need additional support in the form of a kink-aware therapist, a trusted and psychology-trained spiritual counselor, a somatic practitioner, or a support group. Having a more extensive “support team” on call can provide vital scaffolding for the deep work of integrating intense experiences.

Finally, I want to be sure to emphasize that I didn’t direct this writing just at bottoms, nor does it even have to be information you use for kink alone — *nor* does it have to be engaged in with partners who you did the play itself with. As some of you know, I am a writer and actor for intense immersive fear-based experiences outside of kink. A few weeks ago, I completed a scene in which I was playing a very physically abusive spouse in a way that was certainly having an effect on the members of our audience. I’d played this character before with no issue but that night, I was tired, I was stressed, and other things just aligned in such a way that I ended my evening on the floor sobbing.

My Owner, very much not an audience member here, came into the room after hearing me. He held me and reminded me I am not at all abusive, that I am not that character. He encouraged talking about what I was going through with the other writers/actors when I could. We left the space I was in to go watch something mindless and funny. I hydrated and ate things that upped my blood sugar. We talked about the things that would happen in the experience the next day that I was excited about and how much the audience must be loving getting what they paid for. And later, he asked me to explain what I had been learning about trauma responses and aftercare — and in discussing the very things I discuss here, we ended up checking the self-efficacy step off the list in the most meta of ways. So though I was really more on the top-side there (though these are not kink spaces) and my Owner was not connected, the same framework was applied and helpful to me in that moment.

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to anything in kink. There are, however, evidence-based “best practices” that can equip us for more enjoyable and sustainable outcomes. Both bottoms and tops who are drawn to explore the sharp edges of their psyche through CNC, fearplay, or really anything else deserve robust and intentional systems of aftercare to protect their wellbeing and growth.

If you’re interested in some of the best practices for other elements of communicating and negotiating for CNC — before, during, and after a scene and for both tops and bottoms — I hope you might consider joining me for my next virtual class on CNC, which you can sign up for my mailing list to hear about or find in the Teaching tab above, if one is currently scheduled.

Reference:
Hobfoll, S. E., Watson, P., Bell, C. C., Bryant, R. A., Brymer, M. J., Friedman, M. J., … & Ursano, R. J. (2007). Five essential elements of immediate and mid-term mass trauma intervention: Empirical evidence. Psychiatry: Interpersonal and Biological Processes, 70(4), 283-315.

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

The Kool Aid Man-Sized Hole: pre-planning for unintentional consent violations

An amazing group of edge-players I’m in recently was having a conversation about those of us who like play that’s more… well, as @zel put it, “less hip-checking the edge and more Kool Aid man.” There is a subset of people out there who want play that doesn’t just bring us to our boundaries but sometimes leaps over them. This may include bottoms deciding to forego our safewords and/or negotiation, tops intentionally pushing further at signs of distress, picking at emotional scabs, gaslighting, or any number of things that could, sometimes, lead to going too far. (Note: if you do not believe that this sort of play should be done, even if both parties personally want and seek it out, this note won’t be relevant to you.)

In my CNC Negotiation and Communication class, I refer to this possibility as an unintentional consent violation. In relationships or scenes that purposefully play this way, it’s possible for consent to be violated in a way that isn’t with intent. Both parties play understanding it’s a possibility and fully want to be playing that way still—and yet navigating how to move forward and rebuild after a consent trauma of this nature can be very difficult, particularly if you know you do want to continue playing like that in the future.

I believe unintentional consent violations are a when, not an if, with no-safeword arrangements like the one I’m in and rather likely with other similar CNC structures, and there is *nothing* that will guarantee anyone involved will be okay when this happens. I tend to think that this sort of play should never be engaged in without that being understood by all parties. The best chances of this turning out well may rely on a sort of communication that becomes more difficult after-the-fact, so it can be best to prepare for it in advance.

Below are a few considerations I have when talking to folks about how to navigate this. Please note that this is my process, that everything I say always has a “this may not necessarily apply” asterisk on it, and that those quoted should not be considered as having endorsed anything beyond the inclusion of their quotes.

Behold, a list with confusing and somewhat arbitrary numbering.

Step 1: Figure out systems.

Systems, in this case, refers to anything set up in advance for you to lean on in a time of crisis. I put this as step #1, but in many ways, it’s step all-encompassing. Everything I am suggesting you discuss is setting up a system, a big one: “This is what we will do when an unintentional consent violation occurs.”

This is the part where I address that you can’t always know how you’ll react to something going wrong in this manner—one that may be with someone who you actively ignored the protests of because that’s what they deeply desire in their play and/or sexuality, one who you are hurt crossed a line all while knowing they couldn’t have possibly known the line was there. Cognitive dissonance of that variety *does* change the “typical” trauma responses that rarely have a “typical” in the first place. In fact, you likely *won’t* get it all right. But with systems, there is something to lean on as it gets figured out so that you aren’t having the “What the fuck do we do and when??? What if our needs conflict?” conversation when you really need to be having the “Are you still eating and sleeping?” conversation.

  • On the more specific level of systems, this could look like:
  • Knowing one partner’s trauma response is going to involve a much lower energy for a while and deciding that if an unintentional consent violation happens, the other partner takes on their household tasks
  • Knowing taking medications on time can get lost in the shuffle and ensuring the other partner has the correct information to check in during the days following to remind or confirm.
  • Knowing that someone needs to withdraw emotionally to feel safe at the same time that the other will need other support and establishing—you got it—a support *system.* In discussing playing this way at all, @arrogantslut mentioned “wrapping in the support system of existing partnerships. Telling them I am doing it and asking them if they will be able to catch and hold me if things fall apart.” This is valuable for any sort of play. It is especially valuable in cases where there is a mismatch of needs.

The more specific you can be about systems, the better. Saying you have a support system is one thing. Knowing exactly the people in your sphere who understand and support this sort of play—because it isn’t everyone in kink—may be another. Another still to have people who’ve preemptively agreed that, in such a situation, they’ll ensure those eating/medicating/existing in your world things are happening.

Step 2: Figure out timelines.

In the aftermath of an unintentional consent violation, you may have different aftercare needs than otherwise. Tops may want to know this happened as soon as the scene is over so that they can process where things were misread with the memories still fresh. Bottoms may need extra time to process without physical touch. All of this may even have caveats, such as what sort of violation occurred. In addition to immediate needs, think about debrief conversations, amount of time systems should be in place, and amount of time you might wait before considering trying something similar again.

Step 3: Figure out what you will do next with your play.

This might be an automatic “this sort of play is off the table for x amount of time” or “we move back from exclusive negotiation with no-safeword play to exclusive negotiation with-safeword” or “we take a step out of 24/7.” It can also be “we don’t play again” or “we don’t change play at all; we just go forward with new knowledge.” This one is important to discuss in advance (especially for those engaging in deeply emotional S/m) because in the trauma-recovery state, some may have a “fawn” reaction where they’re likely to acquiesce to their top’s desires, or a “flight” reaction where they back all the way off in a way that makes their bottom feel they’re no longer interested, and so on and so forth. Knowing what direction you’re headed before you start, even if it does change, means that there’s no questioning from either party on if the other is able to both be self-aware and compassionate to the other’s needs in that moment (which you may not be!)

In terms of both this and the prior step, you may wish to set an amount of time to wait before determining to end a partnership. Of course, if someone wishes to walk away, they walk away—but some may want a reminder that they agreed to wait however long before making drastic decisions.

But that all brings me to…

Step 0.5: Figure out that you can indeed do all this with the person you’re considering engaging in this kind of play with.

Not everyone is the right partner for the variety of CNC which may lead to unintentional consent violations, even if they’re the perfect partner for other things. In fact, some may not want to do this with a life-partner because of the possibility of these occurring. You might do this through reflection on your own, and/or you might do it through negotiation conversations. There are questions with concrete answers here, but some may somewhat require believing the other party saying they will be able to do something or you making a judgment. @Pepper_Pots suggests asking (or at least considering how the other might answer) specific questions like “what is the max time/energy you can spend fixing this? Also, do you like/trust me enough to do that sort of work with?” You might also ask if they’ve had other incidents in the past, how those were handled, and what did and didn’t work about that. Of course, this is all irrelevant if you don’t know what qualifies someone as this person for you, so…

Step 0: Figure out *what* your who-can-I-do-this-with requires.

This probably will take a lot of reflection, maybe over time. It could include more abstract factors, such as

  • the ability to own up to mistakes
  • the ability to communicate and listen in the ways you operate best
  • willingness to see the process through with as much honesty and openness as possible, even if that’s saying “I’m no longer finding it easy to be honest and open”

But don’t ignore the more practical aspects either: for this kind of play, do you need…

  • someone who is able to unquestionably able to prioritize you if you need, and therefore unable to do this with someone who has a different primary partner in a hierarchical poly structure?
  • someone who is willing to drive you and stay with you with medical professionals in case of emergency, even if that potentially means discussing the reality of maybe doing things that can’t legally be consented to in your area?
  • someone with certain preexisting medical skills?

Again, go specific with all of this, particularly the abstracts. “I need someone I can trust to go through these things with me” is worthwhile, but there’s more to it. @zel, for example, takes it a step further by breaking down what trust means for her:

when i say trust in this context, i mean that i need to trust:

* your ability to consistently do what you say you will do, and communicate constructively when that becomes difficult or prohibitive.
* your ability to proactively and intelligently participate in risk assessment, mitigating, and care planning.
* maybe most importantly, your ability to own your mistakes and receive honest and compassionately-given feedback with grace and curiosity rather than defensiveness, and to meaningfully learn from those situations for the future.

this last “why” is maybe the most important: consistency for me doesn’t mean making few mistakes or causing no harm; it means consistently working together to handle mistakes and repair from harm. if you can’t emotionally handle hearing that you fucked up or hurt me (given my trust in your intent and my disinterest in casting blame), handling mistakes and repairing from harm becomes very likely to create more things to recover from.

@Darren_Campbell says,

I think it’s also important here to understand what we are talking about when we say “trust”. Am I trusting your truthfulness and ability to make promises you intend to keep? Am I trusting your ability to keep to the word of your agreements, or to the spirit of your agreements (these are 2 VASTLY different things in my experience). Am I trusting in your ability to assess how you feel during and after what we are negotiating? Am I trusting in your ability to adapt and communicate after the fact should expectations not be met? Am I trusting in your ability to read me really well? Am I trusting your own self knowledge? Am I trusting your intent or am I trusting your abilities or am I trusting a combination of both? To me, as I get older, I’m really valuing people who know themselves as best they can and then say “I don’t know” a lot. If I can trust your ethics and your ability to own your mistakes, we can build something cool.

One final step, a step ∞ for anyone still here:


Realize that doing this is still playing with fire — and for all us edge-players’ nice words about risk awareness and safety protocols and mitigation, those risks are real and can be devastating. Physically. Emotionally. To your relationships. Be upfront about these possibilities using your imagination and your self-awareness. Communicate best you can. I really loved these two examples of what that might look like, which come from @suspenddisbelief:

“If you do this, I might feel angry at you for a long time afterwards. Not in a hot way, in a really unsexy resentful way. I might devalue your intelligence in my head as a defense mechanism. Is that okay with you? Why is that okay with you?”

“If you speak to me this way, I might have behavioral spirals that you can’t fix with the number of words you used to set it off. I might require intensive outpatient treatment. Past partners actually came to this treatment with me even though they weren’t the ones who set me off. How does that sound to you? I’m not able to quantify the risk. It’s low, but possible.”

When we were talking about this sort of process, @Chayla said, “I think for me, maybe the way I conceptualize the thing that you’re pointing to is doing what feels necessary to build a foundation where forgiveness is available afterward. This is generally building some level of trust in the other person’s good faith and their intentions, and one of the ways that can happen is conversations about what’s for real badbad.”

The thing that stands out for me is how many of us who play Kool Aid Man style have had things go badbad in various ways. Permanent scars that change how we move through the world. Relationships that end. Trauma responses that bring us back to nightmares we thought we had dealt with and cause major problems in our lives. And yet, these are stories I know specifically from those who play in that space—present tense. There are of course an unknowable number who have had things go badbad and never return, to this kind of play or even to kink at all. But it is doable to have it happen and not regret it. I’d argue many of us play accepting that it one day will, not letting it stop us. We deserve to: to follow our desires. To feel intimacy in the ways that we specifically do. To be fulfilled alongside others drinking the same Kool Aid we are.

Join the conversation on this post in the comments on Fetlife!

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

CNC is not an unraveling.*

I used to think that it would be an unraveling: that moment of “this is happening now and I can’t stop it.” I used to think that it would be a coming apart like unmooring, there being nothing I could do. It would be the all of me, flung into floating particles of acquiescence, the endless deep below me of uncertainty and lack of control.

I used to think it would be that easy, I suppose, that gentle. The crossed-wires I call masochism and the strange cravings for dark could be pulled apart, sorted into separate threads and made smaller. Then, there would be something that I could point to – look: you can see where those once wove together. You could put that back together exactly, if you wanted, the twists still visible, the ends maybe even still clinging as one. It wouldn’t be easy, but you could do it. Given enough time, you could.

I used to think it was an undoing. It is. But it’s not the kind I thought.

No, it is not a sorting out or a separation. It is not a coming apart.

It is an unknotting. It is a deliberate taking apart of what I have carefully put together. Now it is another thing, another thread. It is the string it was at its core, the knot as if it never happened. I can knot it again, and I likely will — but it will be a different knot. I cannot twist it up straight to where it once was; I cannot re-make it in any exact former image.

It is not a breaking-down of my self as it is, was. It is a breaking apart of my illusions of control.
Or call them illusions of sanity. Illusions of grandeur. Illusions of consent. Call it what makes sense to you.

Yes, that’s it. Not an unraveling but an unknotting: careful, skillful, intentional. The destruction not of a mess, but of something that used to be exactly how I’d planned it — with nothing there to prove that it really once was so.

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

Don’t Threaten Me with a Good Time: how do you say that you want to not want it?

Don’t threaten me with a good time.

No, really. Don’t.

It’s not that I don’t like being fucked or beaten. I like both more than I probably should. But tell me it’s going to happen, and I still may let life get in the way. Tired or moody, and I’ll ask to put it off a night or two. After all, even the lazy or depressed nights with my Owner are good nights, better than any I could ever imagine. Promises of good things I will let happen if I can. Having things I like done to me is… well, something I like done to me—but I may not dream about it for more than a few weeks, usually won’t text my best friend to tell her all about it (with exceptions).

But set the toys out I hate the most. Grab me when I really don’t want it. Strike or speak to me in a way that actually makes me angry—and it’s all I’ll come thinking about for months.

That’s all putting it lightly. Yes, I think about the time I curled up crying and wouldn’t touch Him as He uncaringly scrolled through His phone. Yes, I think about the blood on the hotel sheets, the challenge I was set up to fail, the question I was never asked before my speech was taken away. Yes, I think about nearly vomiting from pain in the old office chair and the things He did to make me retch more. Yes. Yes. Darker.

There’s a reason that when I’m not quite wet enough and His cock is hurting me, He simply mentions that very fact. I’m usually soaking and pliable in seconds. But I have to really have not been wanting it. It doesn’t work if I’m playing a role.

That’s the inherent problem in the way I do CNC: how do you say you want something without ruining it by wanting it? Not overall, that’s not what I mean—it’s more than possible to discuss this in long-term negotiations and still have days where you don’t want it enough for this to work. But in the short-term, when it’s what I want soon, *soon*. What are the options?

How I ask to not want it is the same reason we can do this at all: my unstoppable need to announce everything I’m feeling. My training to try to tell the truth.

I let my fantasies about the moments I have been most afraid of Him happen out loud, tell Him how momentous and ominous the strikes to the box that my head was in felt. I find opportunities to state my aversions out loud: electricity is the reason I couldn’t do this event. Being made to eat disgusting things is what might really make me quit. I describe my horrid nightmares and shudder openly at tortures in films. I send or say the kinds of words described in this universally applicable guide that’s actually about no-safeword tickling which should be required reading for anyone who plays like us, and then I trust I’ve let Him see enough of me to make it possible:

I’m not looking for a “yes, it’s ok to tickle me if I cry.” I’m looking for “hell yes, I want to be sobbing and I want you to keep going. Please don’t stop. If anything, go harder. Wreck me.” -@wren_

And because I also announce all the days I need my sleep, or when my joints are fighting the weather, or if I’m running errands or seeing my mother, my Owner knows both how to use my honesty and when not to.

I knew I wanted to write this, didn’t know if it should be poetic or a guide. But for me, there’s nothing more poetic than being known well enough to be made to suffer. So why shouldn’t it be both? Besides, I can’t really write a guide—because the answer is, “I don’t entirely know.” I’ve just found a few ways to dance this dance. I know what I do to try.

I voice the fantasies. I react fully. I show it all and say it all. When He says, “Are you too tired to be fucked?” I smile, and then I mean it when I say “yes.” I show Him pictures of things that make me cringe. I shop for the toys I’d rather run from. I tell Him what I can’t stop thinking about.

I put up writings like this one.

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

How do you make sure CNC isn’t too “real”? A conversation.

I asked the other day for people’s burning CNC-related questions in preparation for teaching my CNC class. I got a lot of good and intriguing topics in response, but there was one I was immediately struck by:

How do you make sure it’s not too ‘real’? Like fun in the moment and [not] totally traumatic afterwards?

Soon after, I got to discussing some of this with my long-time Fet friend, @-chickenlittle-. -chickenlittle- is a very wise, very thoughtful human who also engages in CNC in a way similar to how I do, and they agreed to let me publish some of our chat. You’ll find their thoughts in bold, and mine… well, not.

The idea of “going too far.” For me, there really isn’t. In my submission, he decides how far we go. If there is active harm I can tell him, but it’s built into my submission that he decides how much I take.

That’s my take too. And that “I tell Him” is very important… People think no safeword might mean not speaking up. It means speaking up even more. It just means I can’t count on the decision being mine.

One thing I do want to say in response to that question is that some people do want CNC to be NOT fun. That’s a valid choice. Defining terms is really important, because some people use CNC to mean totally roleplay and some of us use it to mean I want to fear for my life and be made to do things I hate for real; some of us use it to mean no safeword at all and some of us use it to mean only the safeword will stop things, etc. etc. Tops get a say in that too, of course. If a top isn’t okay with the idea of someone *actually* suffering at their hands, they should play with bottoms who also desire scenes that always have that undercurrent of “fun.”

I’d say suffering is a *heavy* part of why I enjoy CNC. To put this in an easy way, there is so much suffering around us. Pain, injustice, etc. Having some sort of consensual suffering… it feels like an escape from that world.

I find some people have a hard time understanding that, or have been shamed into thinking it isn’t okay to want. It’s inherently not real because of the consent part. It’s not necessarily the goal to be “fun” outside of that.

Sometimes when people grow up in unsafe situations they develop responses to situations. I deeply feel this is part of why I enjoy suffering. It creates my fawn response and to be honest, it is so much easier to be happy and grateful for my life. Suffering keeps me here. It keeps me present. When we haven’t played in a while I get… Distant. I find it hard to connect with anyone, even my human. When we engage in consensual suffering it connects me to my body better than anything I’ve experienced. I don’t regret it when the response has faded, nor do I experience negative side effects. I think this is in large part to the trust I have for my Owner, as well as my consent to the situation.

Honestly, while I don’t consider my draw toward suffering to be a trauma response exactly, this does nail down a lot of it. Things like drowning force my body to fight to live, no matter what my emotions are telling me, and that’s a powerful symbol for me.

What do you think keeps a scene for you in that fawn response zone and not into the “okay, I’m having an actual trauma response”?

Doing this with my partner, we do it out of love. If I do fall into trauma response and am needing help, we immediately do that. I’m safe. In a similar situation, rape play gave me power back because I could have some control over the scene, CNC gives me power back because it’s founded in love. If [my abuser] harmed me, that was it. If my Love harms me, everything is paused until we are both okay again. It’s not about Him getting His way. It’s about me continually following his authority. To be honest, I hate doing the dishes more than I have ever hated what he was doing to me.

So looking at the original question… is it even about the scene construction and the events that happen for you? Is the difference the everything-outside-of-the-scene… As in the way we make sure it’s “fun,” whatever that means, and not too real, has to do with the relationship itself, discussions you have had, and knowledge you’ve consented (whether or not we really call that negotiation at this stage)?

I’d say those things are the most important. That makes all the difference for me internally.

Yeah, me too. Especially when we are dealing with those things not meant to be “fun.” It’s also helpful when things go sideways… and I strongly believe that if you do play with blanket consent at all, that’s a when, not an if. For me, I really emphasize knowing how you’re going to handle that.

I am very vocal when I’m afraid of harm. Even though I trust him implicitly there are still things he can do without intent. Any time he gets near my knees or does a bad position on my shoulder, it flies out of my mouth. I’m highly protective of myself by reflex now, sometimes too much.

That’s my method too. And not always during the scene. I don’t go nonverbal frequently, but it happens. You can still communicate. I have done it once by going as still as possible. But before, after, randomly throughout the week… things have to be said. Whenever they occur to me. Particularly because we don’t pre-plan all our scenes, I have to just announce when I’m having trigger-y days, when I’m overly tired, when I’m having bad pain days. It may be what

I personally couldn’t ask for a better Owner, and I’m glad he takes my constant chatter as communication and not some annoying bullshit.

Lol. Yep. We are the same on a lot of this. What I’m wondering now is your thoughts on how trauma and trouble is avoided when people do want to do pick-up CNC or CNC with near-strangers, which is also a valid thing. I try to talk about partner selection, risk profile considerations, in-moment communication and such in class, but so much of communication for something like this does occur over time it becomes even more difficult.

This is a very hard question. It also depends on what kind of CNC. There’s literally infinite ways to do CNC. If it were *me*, I would figure out what play I want and why, do a personal risk assessment, consider if I’m willing to accept the ramifications of permanent damage and how likely that is (possibly impossible to answer), what support I have if shit hits the fan, what I would do if they forced something I didn’t actually consent to and if that’s a risk I’m willing to take… The biggest questions are this: Am I prepared to deal with the possible consequences? Do I need this to be a stranger because of the thrill or because I don’t have a partner and really really want this scene? Am I okay with that? The issue is thinking “Oooh this sounds fun!” instead of “this sounds fun, and the possible ramifications are X, Y, Z. Can I deal with that?” It takes a lot of hard self-honesty. Not many are capable of that.

This was just a bit of our conversation, which was honestly fantastic. I learn from my friends here, new and old, all the time. That’s part of what I love about teaching on Zoom—people’s contributions in chat add to the conversation even more in a way that can’t be done in-person. If you want to take my Negotiating and Communicating for CNC class, keep an eye on my newsletter or Fetlife profile for the next time it’s scheduled… and if there aren’t any listed, ask your favorite event hosts to shoot me a message about collaborating! Or we can have these conversations in my inbox anytime—truly. Please feel free to reach out and say hi.

-chickenlittle- is also open to your messages for those with questions about CNC, which I recommend because they’re just generally a really great human. Many many thanks again to @-chickenlittle- for allowing me the honor of your words.

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

Actually, limiting CNC content is the *more* dangerous option.*

As a frame of reference/bias, I am in a 24/7 CNC TPE, which for me means I have no safeword and—outside of my needs for a lifetime relationship, as someone who wants a family—have not and do not set limits. I have been in this arrangement for six years at time of writing (ten years at time of this website launching).

The relationship I’m in is one I have always wanted. Before I knew what BDSM was, I knew this was what I was interested in sexually. I believe all forms of sexuality are on a spectrum, and on this spectrum, mine is pretty close to the limit of one side—I never, ever fantasized about a sex life that wasn’t like this. Same thing romantically. When I first ever heard what a safeword was, I felt wholly uninterested. Note that I don’t think it makes anyone any lesser in any way to have and want that; it just doesn’t do it for me. I tried. Believe me, I tried. I recognize that as an easy way to increase safety, and I sometimes *wish* I could be happy with one—but I can’t.

I wasn’t officially on Fet long before I met my Owner, who shared my interest in this sort of thing. I encountered lots and lots of info on negotiation and safewords and consent, and also a lot of vitriol towards the sort of thing I wanted. It’s unequivocally abuse, I read. Others said people who wanted it had no empathy for those who are being abused. Or that those who wanted it should seek therapeutic help (not that I believe there’s anyone who shouldn’t, mind you). Or that those who wanted it deserved to be violated. Or worse. I was just barely 19, my brain certainly still hardwiring, and my big step to embrace/seek fulfilling happiness had only led me to more shame, to more wondering if something was wrong with me. That’s something many of us experienced before finding this site. For me, it lived here.

But—luckily—I also found a handful of people talking about CNC. Group intellectual discussion, writings of both the explanatory and erotica varieties, some pictures. All these led me to private conversations with those people about how their relationships and scenes worked, what got them there, how they made themselves as safe as they could, what had gone wrong, what they would do differently. They helped me, a 19 year old who knew no one in the area but the man she was about to start dating, figure out how to do this. I wasn’t in The Scene here at all then. I’d been to play parties, but not in this state. There weren’t really classes available on this. It was only through others discussing this on Fet that I found allies and mentors and sounding boards. And obviously it turned out just fine—but had it not, they would have been the people I knew I could get help getting out from. How could I know for sure someone else wouldn’t just tell me I deserved it for my naivety in asking for what I did, which would actually mean “I deserved it because of what makes me happy”?

Here’s the thing. If I never found CNC content here (and the people making it), that wouldn’t have stopped me from going after what I wanted. I still would have tried to build a relationship without safewords or limits that I set, but I would have withdrawn from any sort of community. I would have no concept of the actual risks (which are not so simple as getting attacked with a chainsaw as some would like to think) or how to communicate within it. I would have no affirmation it was okay to want this and that it was possible without abuse. I would have been on my own.

And that’s me. Most who play with CNC aren’t wanting as high-risk as I am, much less 24/7. If you ask people to not post CNC content, you’re definitely isolating the people like me and preventing them from making things that fulfill them safer for themselves, but you’re also taking valuable info away from others who want it who *do* need to know that it’s okay to say no to a partner in negotiations, that safewords can be used in this, etc, so that they have the example if some assclown tells them otherwise.

CNC porn exists outside the site. CNC erotica exists outside the site. CNC discussion of safety, of reality, journal entries and conversations and accounts of things gone wrong? Not so much. Those of us drawn to this are already seeing the blinding lights, and it’s an internet community that is willing to share and discuss and answer questions that gives the wider picture.

Limiting this content doesn’t actually make anyone safer at all. Those who aren’t interested were never relevant to this discussion, and those who are will not know where to get resources. The people you think this would protect—yes, including the kids who shouldn’t be here, of which I was once one—aren’t coming online and saying “oh, guess this doesn’t exist, so I won’t do it.” They’re still doing it. They’re just isolated.

I truly think those in the conversation saying my kind of CNC should be fully banned often have good intentions here. But from where I stand, limiting it only sets bottoms up for danger in the long run, and I will not be a part of it.

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

The best way I heard from someone who thought I was being abused*

(Disclaimer: I am not.)

I’ve been in two relationships that people have thought of as abusive. I have been, and continually am, shocked by the many extremely poor ways they deal with this. Some recent posts have made me think about those experiences, and the one, the only one, that could have done me any good. The one time that someone who thought I was being abused could have actually helped me.

And I’ll tell you that, and hopefully if you’re concerned about someone, you’ll emulate it.

But this writing necessarily starts on the other end.

What are the worst ways to find out someone thinks you’re being abused?

I considered this for a while and in the end, it has to be a tie.

The first of these: after the fact.

One of those two relationships, people were right about. I was being abused, and everyone knew. But no one ever suggested it during. No one ever asked me if I was okay with the changes and sacrifices I was making in my life. No one questioned that I paired my definitions of love with tears and obligation and fear. But after? Oh, they told me after. Yes, after it was all done, really done, I started hearing it all the time. “We always knew he was abusive. We’re glad you’re finally out.” “I’m so relieved that you finally came to your senses.” “I am sorry I stopped being close to you. Your boyfriend’s treatment of you really disturbed me. But we can be friends again now!”

They all knew. Apparently. They knew better; they knew best. But they didn’t do anything, because… because it was too much drama. Because that was mine to deal with. Because surely I must have known how much they cared, that I could have come to them.

Time and time again, I hear from my friends who have also gotten out of abusive situations that they’ve heard these things after. But during? No, never during. Getting through that, they did alone.

And the other first place winner: through the grapevine.

That’s the way I have heard it most often about my current relationship. Screenshots sent by friends of friends. Posts I come across with vagueries about “the girl who crumpled up crying.” Randomly happening across my name in the comments of strangers on Reddit (seriously.) The things they do, people say? That can’t be healthy. She’s in too deep. There’s no way she really wants it. Classic Stockholm Syndrome. He controls her posts.

Whenever I hear these, I react poorly (as, I think, anyone would). It’s shit to be gossiped about, but more so when it’s people who want to show they’re “concerned” but simultaneously don’t actually care about you at all.

What they care about is being right. Being above. Pointing out all the things they’d *never* be; pitying the poor girl with no agency or desires of her own.

Now, here’s the thing:

I know what makes my relationship look abusive.

I’d bargain that most CNC types do. I am hyper-aware of it. I make sure to smile at worried parties after scenes; I am vocal about consent and risks; I keep a lot more private than I used to. This is intentional, after hearing I’m being abused so many times. I wouldn’t have had any idea when I was actually in an abusive relationship, but now? Sure. I know what their reasons are.

Many elements of my relationship, were my desires or our communication or anything else even slightly different, could be abusive: no safeword, no negotiation, phone tracking, ignoring as punishment being on the table, and so forth. If the concerned parties asked, they’d know about how I longed for this sort of thing all my life. They’d know about how unsatisfied I was without it. They’d know about the parts of our TPE that were actually *my* idea, how those discussions went, all my considerations of my risk profile and how each bit fits in.

But they don’t ask. Because—and I cannot say this enough in this writing I think—they don’t actually care. They might care about abuse, maybe. They certainly care about being righteous. They likely care about being right. But they don’t care about me.

Which brings us to the “mildly shitty” category.

These are the people who have just told me point-blank: this is abuse. They comment it on my photos and writings or send me a message to let me know. In a few particularly awful cases, they’ve mouthed it to me during scenes. They are willing to actually take that action, but they’ve already made up their minds. They know best. They care, but they care about telling me how right they are more than they care about me. They don’t care enough to think about their responses.

They also have no knowledge at all of the dangers of abusive relationships, and were I actually in trouble, they’d be making things worse. I refer you here to @Archeologist’s excellent On Suspecting and Calling Out Abuse on Fet or Any Other Social Media], which enumerates how public call-outs or contact on a form of media an abuser has access to increases the cycle of shame that goes along with abuse at *minimum*, and how they might very well cause dangerous retaliation and an escalation of the abuse the person was allegedly trying to stop.

So what do we do?

I’ll admit, kink makes this all particularly difficult. Healthy dynamics can be built in a way that looks to the world like abuse. They’re just a hair’s length away from the ones that actually are. So how do we tell the difference? Do we sit back and do nothing, lest we accidentally kink-shame? Do we just let adults be adults, declare it none of our business?

I don’t think so. I wouldn’t. I can’t. I’d like to think the people I love and trust couldn’t, either. They’d want to be as sure as they could that things were okay, and if they weren’t, they’d want to help.

And here’s the one time I’ve seen this done right.

It was in a conversation that I started with this person. We were discussing something else. My relationship did come up. She mentioned that despite things she’s seen or heard that she might consider problematic, she genuinely hoped it was making me happy and fueling good things in my life. And she said that if there was anything she could ever help me with, to reach out, and then she gave me her phone number. That was it. That was all.

I knew what she was saying to me. I think she knew I’d know; she trusted my intelligence. And I must admit, too, that I still initially balked at this. Insinuations that I’m being abused or that my partner is an abuser are always upsetting on multiple levels.

But you know what? Over a year later, I still know that number is there. And I almost used it once, about something completely unrelated. I genuinely believe that if I’m ever in *any* sort of trouble I have no support system for, I can reach out to this woman.

She’s the one who did it right. She didn’t come into a conversation with me with words laden with implications. She didn’t tell me what was going on in my relationship as if she knew better than I did. She didn’t make herself into a savior, a person with no other role in my life. And she opened a door for communication if I ever needed it. She opened it to be about anything.

I’m a lucky person. I’m in a healthy relationship that feeds all my needs. What’s more, I have people keeping an eye on me who legitimately care about my well-being and wouldn’t judge me if I needed help. Were the first not true, it is this one message, of all the other times it has been said, that would have given me knowledge of the second.

And there are a few other options that work, to be sure. I have a lot of compassionate people in my life who I feel I could tell anything to, and maybe they have established this trust with me with that possibility in mind. I’ve heard from DMs after intense scenes that people asked them to stop us, but those people were sensible enough to trust official channels, and they didn’t take things into their own hands when they were told “she knows what she’s doing.”

If you’re worried that someone is being abused, don’t rush in and tell them they’re in a bad situation. Not here, not in the middle of a scene, not as an opinion on their photos or writings. Don’t discuss it with other people like it’s the latest silly political tweet you’ve seen—*especially* not where someone could come across it, be they victim who you might force into more shame and secrecy, or stranger who just doesn’t deserve to hear all the things about their relationship that the world has decided are wrong. And for god’s sake, don’t stay silent and step away until after the fact, and then declare you knew the whole time.

Instead, consider opening a line of communication. Make yourself available. Be a good listener.

Care.

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

In Search of a Definition of CNC

Somewhere in between all the other things I find time to do, I’ve written a class on Negotiating and Communicating for CNC.

To this end, I asked in my planning for folks to give me definitions of CNC that didn’t involve the words “consensual” or “non-consent”. I was fascinated by the responses that came up: all of them were somewhat different, some with great deviation. For posterity’s sake/because I think it might be interesting even to folks who wouldn’t take such a class, I’ve tried to sort them some here to give a better picture of those answers.

Common Themes

A focus on trust:

  • “CNC is an informed and conscious choice to trust yourself, body and soul, to another person or persons.”
  • “It’s giving all of yourself to someone else who could destroy your inner workings and your body and trusting them not to.”
  • “Complete trust in a Dominant or top, taking into consideration a personal willingness to suffer and/or push boundaries”
  • “Using trust as a way to add fear and intensity to play.”
  • “putting your life in someone else’s hands”

A focus on giving up choice:

  • “One (or more) partner waiving the right to choose and empowering another to act or choose in their place.”
  • “one person abdicates the ability to give or remove consent.”
  • “Abdicating responsibility for oneself/one’s choices within a framework of care and regard.”
  • “the enthusiastic giving up of power and choice to another for an agreed upon amount of time”
  • “two (or more) people agreeing to engage in either a single event or ongoing relationship where the recipient of sensation offers complete decision making to the giver of sensation”
  • “I don’t eat, buy or drink anything without permission, ever; I don’t have any choice over where I live or what job I have. I’ve given up power over my existence. That’s more TPE to some folks, but to me they go hand in hand.”
  • “Choosing to give up your ability to say no in order to gain the power to scream it.”

An inner experience:

  • “It’s a feeling that I exist solely for his pleasure. It’s that belief within”
  • “It’s not being allowed to say no. It’s wanting to never say no.”
  • “Jesus, take the wheel.”

Points of disagreement

Roleplay or Reality:

  • “All parties agree it is okay and desirable to do something to one of them that they ACTUALLY DON’T want. (Possibly for experiencing force, disgust, shame, humiliation, or violation. Possibly for demonstrating service, commitment, loyalty, submission. Etc)”
  • “It doesnt matter if I want to because I made an earlier commitment that I would for this person, and I understood and agreed to the risk of having to do something I might not like”
  • “it leaves less to chance than your average vanilla sexual encounter, but gives the illusion of less control”
  • “I want to but I’m pretending I dont want to because doing so is arousing to at least one of us. (sometimes but not always rape play, sometimes just being bratty)”
  • “To edge closer to that headspace I would need to really believe that I had zero say in what was done to me.”

Safeword or Limits Use/Lackthereof:

  • “Allowing your partner to take as much pleasure from your body as they desire in any way they desire, whether it be pain, mind fucks, sex, etc without the security of a safe word to stop the act.”
  • “Play where, with the exceptions of safe words, the Dominant takes as they wish within the negotiated limits, with the appearance of breaking consent through force, coercion, etc.”
  • “it’s possible to use a safeword in CNC, but it’s “advisory.” As Captain Barbossa might say, “It’s more like…guidelines, than actual rules.” The safeword can help the top determine where the bottom is, but the top has the option to ignore it.”
  • “Agree to a clearly defined structure within which your disagreement is immaterial; for pleasure or purpose.”
  • “Based on information exchanged before, knowing exactly when “No” means “Yes pleasee”, and acting on it.”
  • “Any play eschewing “no” or “stop” as a safeword, or ignoring pleas of discomfort or refusal and “going for it anyway”
  • “Engaging in a limited negotiated scenario in which a person openly allows another party or parties to proactively ignore any objection or refusal so that the party or parties may proceed at their own discretion through completion of said scenario.”

What does it encompass?

  • “Forced aggression”
  • “Rape play”
  • “Sleep play/intoxication play”
  • Not sleep or intoxication play: “CNC loses that first “C” when the person is no longer able to communicate in any sort of way.”

Conclusions

All of these answers being a little different, it is clear to me that—while I believe this is necessary in bringing up *any* sort of play for the first time—defining terms is of the utmost importance when discussing entering into some sort of CNC. Saying CNC is not enough. What this is needs to be approached through open-ended questions.

A top I spoke to about this advised being on the same page about “what the bottom wants to experience,” and that seems the best possible discussion to me. Is it about giving up all choice? Is it about aggression? Is it about the ability to fully act as if it is something they don’t want to do (even though they do) without being stopped? Do they want the experience of feeling total devotion? Any of these could be the answer (or very much *not* the answer), depending on the person.

It seems especially important those interested in CNC discuss
1) whether or not anything will be used as a safeword, and
2) whether or not the activities engaged in should be ones that the bottom really doesn’t like or activities they’re okay with, just with the illusion of force/manipulation/coercion behind them.

Housekeeping
Please note these are quotes taken from some of the definitions. I was not able to include all of them in a logical fashion. Sometimes, multiple quotes may come from one answer. [If you’d like, you can read them in original form on Fetlife here. Or, if you want to join in on the conversation, you can do so in the comments of the original posting of this analysis on Fetlife here.

Discussion is okay; value judgement and kink-shaming will not be tolerated on this post. I understand some folks feel that playing without a safeword or limits or playing intoxicated is abusive; I expect you to understand and respect that other folks do not agree.

Want to be included in future research surveys? Follow me on Fetlife or, to be sure it doesn’t get lost, subscribe to my substack here.

Posted by vahavta
18
Jan
2024

“You are hurting the new and impressionable,” or, why I will keep telling people I don’t use hard limits*

I don’t play with safewords or hard limits. While I have preferences, I have universally consented to anything my Owner wants to do to me. I’m very comfortable with this and also discuss/argue it frequently.

Today, I was told I am careless for discussing this openly, and that I may harm those new to kink by placing them in a position where they can be conned and manipulated.

After all: without a safeword or limit, somebody could hack me up with a chainsaw, or so I’m told.

Yes, it’s true. There are those who say “I won’t play with somebody if they insist on limits; it’ll cramp my style.” That’s a con. But there are also those who say “that is not the relationship/play I want. It has never been,” and who find those who say the same. The difference is active, mutual choice. Both parties wanting it, when all other factors are equal.

Let me be totally clear: if I had wanted this and a top did not, I would have respected that and not forced them into a style of play they didn’t consent to. I also would have known we would not be a long-term match. Just like preferences on age, gender, religious belief, amount of openness, and so on, this was an immovable preference for me (I suppose you could say having to give limits was a hard limit.) I think my partner would say the same. With casual play partners, I have used both things. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them — they just will not give me what I want in a relationship.

This works because nobody had to be talked into it, and because I have no fear of bringing it up if I should ever feel uncomfortable. This is something we discussed and have re-discussed over time. We are both fully capable of (and fully trusting of the other in) communicating our interests and the potential physical/emotional reactions involved, as well as communicating in-scene what is going on. Because of all this, He gets the final say.

I will continue to speak about this — how we do it, why we do it, why I can do it with Him, and so on — and I don’t think it is careless. I think new and impressionable people need to be told that there’s no such thing as a right answer in kink. I think there needs to be demonstrable cases of people building partnerships and scenes that look the way they want and saying “it is okay if your play is like this. It is okay for you to want this.” If, new to the scene, I had read people saying “the kind of relationship you want is going to be abusive every single time” I would never have sought my happiness.

Forgoing a safeword does not make you more likely to be a victim of assault. Neither does saying you do not have hard limits. To claim these things lead to assault is a form of victim-blaming wherein the assaulter is not fully responsible for their actions. Safewords can be good tools for those who use them. They are not the only way to do things. Discussion of interests, emotional transparency, and using words like “don’t touch me there again” or “the tie on my upper left arm needs to be moved down an inch” are also excellent tools.

There is nothing wrong with trusting the people you play with to have common sense. There is nothing wrong with expecting the people you play with to be honest about their desires.

There is nothing about playing on the edge that makes assault any more likely or warranted than any other time.

And besides, if someone were going to break my kneecaps without discussion if I didn’t list it as a hard limit, they weren’t going to listen to a safeword, anyway.

I came to kink wanting full surrender. I fantasized about helplessness and the turning over of control. I wanted to Love a man who I knew could kill me, and who I knew could take me through the full spectrum of human experience without doing so. For me to roleplay this, to still have a way out, would be to live unfulfilled.

And I am simply unwilling to compromise on my desires.


Note: since I first wrote this, it has come up that my monogamy may be considered a hard limit by some. I am referring here to what I have barred my Owner from doing to me and commanding me to do within the context of our dynamic and relationship, seeing monogamy as already essential to that context. I recognize and understand why others see it as the same as other hard limits and if this is the case for you, then yes, I do have a hard limit.

Posted by vahavta