bodies

Jan

2024

Tips for Kinking with Chronic Illnesses

1. Practice describing what is going on in your body, early and often. I used the McGill Pain Scale to learn to do this better (for both fun and not-fun pain)! Whether or not you use traditional safewords, there will come a time when you’ll have to say what you’re feeling — whether after calling red, or in-scene. There may even come times where your tops ask you to describe what you’re feeling even if you have *no* desire to stop (and as number 1.5, I’d suggest you explicitly ask that they do this every so often!)

2. Practice describing what is going on in your body, early and often. But I don’t just mean the words… I mean the lack of shame and filter. If you have any fear around saying that you’re about to have explosive diarrhea when you’re not playing, you certainly aren’t going to be willing to in the charged dynamic and fear of CNC.

3. And find other ways of making partners aware of your state, especially if you’re the type to want to do something like CNC as a “surprise” scene or in a longer-term relationship where sex and play might not have full negotiation every time. With some illnesses/disabilities, this may not be a thing you can do anymore, period. But getting in the habit of emailing daily check-ins as to specific symptoms, having a piece of clothing that indicates go/no-go, etc. can be helpful tools.

4. Keep your partner(s) informed about your medical visits and team. My partner knows my different doctors’ comfort levels with kink, and all those appointments go on a shared calendar, and He can use that for His planning in a lot of ways.

5. …and keep your medical team informed about kink before they need to be, unless you’re in a position where your symptoms are totally stable for you and you are unlikely to have anything new pop up. I tell every doctor I have about my sex life on the first visit. I have stopped seeing doctors after that first visit before based on reactions. Better that than for there to be an issue later on.

6. Practice gentleness with yourself. The hard part for me hasn’t actually been the during or even the after. It’s the last minute cancellations. I’ve had to retrain myself into believing I have time, something which I had previously trained myself *out* of. A “seize today; tomorrow isn’t promised” mentality just doesn’t go so much with disability and chronic illness, even though it also inspires it in many of us. The first few times… hell, the first few *years* I had to cancel playdates last-minute that I had gotten excited for, I made myself feel like absolute shit about it. That helps no one.

7. If it’s something that works for you, see if emotional types of play (even just fearplay mindfucks) are a good route. See if there are physical types of play you aren’t already doing. When I can’t do rough body play because everything keeps dislocating, needles can happen with me being still. When I can’t do that, I can still be hypnotized into thinking something much more physical is happening… more than I had any idea until very recently. But that’s me. Kink doesn’t look just one way, and getting out of a rut we’d fallen into as to how our kink played out really opened up so much more than I had any idea it would and has been nothing but positive.

8. And finally — labbing isn’t just for rope! Any kind of toy or play can be done as a “lab” to figure out what someone’s base-line reaction is. and because different tops use different tools differently, I think it’s important to do this with each play partner. We will go through new toys and what a “1” would feel like, what a “5” would feel like, and working up from there until i’m like NAH. I can handle my partner giving His “10” on some things, but not every thing, and He doesn’t have any way of knowing that I’ll react that way with a new toy (even if we’ve played with other versions of that same toy). With chronic conditions that change state, if there are states that aren’t “I’m feeling great!” but also don’t = “we can never ever play if I’m like this,” it can be worth it to name those states and lab things out there when you’re feeling them, too. If I’m not at my best and we want to play, I can say I’m at something we know like “my bones are crunchy” (or just do a small lab earlier that day) to help my partner gauge how I’m experiencing things. Now, the charged environment of a scene does change how things can feel and how people respond, so this is not a catch-all. But it is still helpful for Him to know my baselines so that deviations from said baseline can be judged accordingly.

And I guess I’ll end reiterating 6 again. Be gentle with yourself. Disability and illness are spectrums and our places on them change. What doesn’t work right now might tomorrow. What you don’t know about yet could be your favorite thing in the future.
And don’t forget to hydrate.

If you want to join in on the conversation in the comments, this post can be found on Fetlife here!

Jan

2024

My considerations for play re hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS)

Necessary Disclaimers

This is not written to be about anybody else’s possible experience with Ehlers-Danlos or their play, only my own. I do not cover all our play or all my symptoms, nor do I attempt to reckon with the relative intensity of either.
This is also not a user’s guide meant to help others play with me—I remain monogamous and this won’t be changing. So why write it? Because though my experience may not echo yours, though you may have more or less or different limitations than I do, my hope is that other people who have EDS or are playing with people who do are inspired to think or talk about something they haven’t. To this end, I’ve added a few quotes from others who shared their considerations with me as I typed this up and invite others with EDS to share in comments.
I also am writing this because I want you to know that if you have this diagnosis (or any other disability), you don’t have to feel your life is over or that you can’t do the things you used to love. You may have to modify many, you may not be able to do all of them, and this isn’t to say that anger, depression, and grief as a response isn’t valid—simply that adaptation and fulfillment remain possible.
Though I do some explaining where relevant, I’m not really going to get into what EDS is in great detail—I assume if you’re here you already know or at least are able to Google it—besides to say that there are 13 types, and all have differences. I am speaking from the lens of type III, hEDS. While still classified as rare, this is the most common subtype and what all those I quoted who identified their type named as well. I *will* link you to this, the Beighton score, which will tell you if you are hypermobile. (Hypermobility is not strictly the same as flexibility.) Many are hypermobile to some degree; you can be benignly hypermobile, pain-free, and never experience harm as a result of it. You can also have HSD, hypermobility spectrum disorder, where you do have musculoskeletal involvement and joint/pain damage without the collagen also affecting other bodily systems as in hEDS. Some people with HSD experience more disability than some people with hEDS—both are on spectrums.

Joint Hypermobility Considerations in Play

Rope

It is my aim to be non-prescriptive with the majority of writing, but here is where I will be for a second: it is extremely important that rope bottoms and tops know what hypermobility is and have a sense of how to identify and approach it. I have a theory that—for several reasons—hypermobile people are more drawn to disciplines where hypermobility can be used. Therefore, there is a higher proportion of hypermobile rope bottoms than some would expect. Unfortunately, though hypermobility does not always translate to hyper flexibility, it is commonly exploited when it does.

This was something that was made use of with me often in suspension. I did not feel active pain at the time and did not know it was a problem. I even encouraged it, so I don’t blame my rope top, though I now believe new rope tops do need education on this: in suspension, the influence of gravity + time = passive stretching, and where most people’s bodies would say, “I can no longer sustain this; this is incredibly painful. Take me out now!”, hypermobile ones will not until it’s far too late. They will not offer the same resistance “normal” bodies do that signals they can’t bend further. I would keep deepening into a stretch in a way that could be fine if I were doing it healthily, but I was not. This will eventually dislocate joints. And while I never had any full dislocations that resulted from suspensions, joint damage is also cumulative. I genuinely believe that I would not be disabled in the way I am now if I did not suspend frequently for the first 3 years of my adult life. I still would be eventually, most likely, but I think I sped that process up.

What this means for rope bottoms in general is that you are safest engaging your muscles the entire time you are suspended in flexy positions, and you should seek out rope tops that know this and will encourage this and will not tie you at your usual limit, knowing a position will likely deepen. Disciplines like circus and pole—ones that train you to achieve these positions in the air and using your strength instead of with the influencing factors of relaxation, pushing into the floor, and other elements you might see in yin yoga (as one example)—will help. I believe ShibariStudy has videos with mobility exercises for hypermobile bottoms and I have a post on healthy stretching relevant for everyone but particularly hypermobile bodies, here.

What this means for me is that I do not do rope suspension anymore.
[ADDITION, OCTOBER ’24: You can now hear more about this journey on episode 184 of RopePodcast, available on iTunes, on Spotify, or on SoundCloud! 🎉]

@LovelyDarkness says:

I strongly recommend working on building strength to actively control any hypermobility or extreme ranges of motion you go into. People often gravitate towards bendy poses in rope and the bottom may be sitting in the position completely or somewhat passively. This could be unknowingly putting strain on their already lax tendons and ligaments making them more susceptible to injury. Also, that strength will also benefit your joint stability in any vanilla activities you do. Also, keeping my partner up to date of what joints are currently being problematic and which muscles are strained.

Other kinds of bondage:

I am a twister and a puller. This makes anything where I have a joint strapped into place but the rest of my body can move a problem. Things like Saran Wrap mummification-style bondage? Great! I can’t pull any of my limbs in crazy ways like that at all, and that’s both good for me and bad for me (in the way I like.) Otherwise, I must be careful. If I’m being whipped on a cross at a party, you might see me holding on to attached cuff points–but I will rarely be strapped into them, because I will twist and pull away more than I should and that might lead to a shoulder dislocation. We have a four-point bed bondage system that we play with sometimes which has less risk to me because the gravity influence isn’t there, but my Owner has absolutely has had to remind me to flail less when in it.

@-Gingerr- says:

I like more of a primal type fight for dominance during actual sex as I tend to separate sex & kink. I can’t be in bondage, partial dislocations are common for me and I need to be able to manipulate my joints back into place if they move in a way they shouldn’t. Bondage wouldn’t allow me that freedom, but being physically held down, I can ‘yellow’ fix my joint quickly and get right back to it! Not being able to fix it quickly would cause me pain longer term.

More joint considerations in general:

Being choked out is one of my favorite activities. My Owner of course always guides me to the ground if we do this and I’m upright, but has to especially watch how I land because my knees will basically bend wherever they decide to. Recently I came to on the kitchen floor and just as soon as I was conscious enough, He pointed out to me that He had been unable to fully keep me from partially W-sitting so that I could correct it ASAP.
It used to be that when I kissed his boots, He would sometimes put weight on one of my hands with the other foot. It was always gently, but as I’m starting to have more wrist involvement lately and this is my biggest personal risk concern, I don’t know if this will be something that can safely part of our play going forward. We’ll just have to see.
As a sort of opposite point, needles are one of the types of play I engage more frequently in because they *don’t* involve joint hypermobility considerations. On a day I can’t be swatted around or thrown into a wall, I can still lie still and be a pincushion without needing much mobility at all.

@SweetWhisky says:

While [hypermobility] means I can be folded up and thoroughly fucked, it also means that if I safeword due to needing released from a tie, hold, or position, I need to be released immediately. While my body can do a great many things, if it decides it is done every second increases the pain and inflammation response.

@SassyShrugs says:

As a rule, I have to be careful with rope bondage and rough scenarios as it is easy to cause my shoulder or a knee to pop out and damage me. My right arm can’t handle being bound back/at certain angles and I cannot lay on my right side for any period of time. I have to be very cautious about what ties I allow done that will impact my chest/shoulders. I also cannot run (dislocate) and am hesitant about anything that might impact my knees.

Skin Considerations in Play

I scar easily and unpredictably; though we used to play often with scalpels (basically my favorite thing) and I have lasting scars from this, my largest is actually from a single-tail whip.
I also heal slowly. To go back to needles, needle sticks that might not cause giant dime-sized bruises on others may anyway on me. They often last 3-4 weeks, sometimes more. I bruise not as often everywhere with impact because my butt has gone gothmetal, but when I do, it’s often dark and large and near always heals slowly.
While my skin doesn’t break as easily as some in other varieties of EDS, I definitely have had swings from various impact tools split skin when we didn’t expect them to.
I see doctors much more frequently than others and sometimes at very little notice. This is something we must think about in combination with the above. I establish kink on every first doctor’s appointment and do not see them again if there’s any discomfort. Yes, I have been turned away from doctors for it.

@808KD says:

I’m also immunosupressed due to inflammatory arthritis. So my skin is fragile and I’m WAY more likely to get infections. But I also love implements like curry combs. So I have a rule that I don’t allow broken skin where I can’t see it. […] Before play I clean all implements very carefully, and I shower with Hibiclens after play.

Sex

Positions:

Most of my joint issues right now are in my upper body. I don’t have a lot of hip involvement currently, though they clunk a fair amount. Many with EDS use sex swings to reduce hip dislocation by stabilizing plane of motion. We do use props such as stacked pillows to support me, which frankly we did for pleasure long before I started learning about all this.
SweetWhisky mentions being foldable and fuckable and… yeah. My legs can be thrown back behind my head pretty much at a moment’s notice. This feels amazing and is one of my favorite ways to get fucked, and I know how to engage the appropriate muscles due to contortion lessons, but this falters with *ahem* less focus and it’s possible it does damage.
The best sex position for me at the moment is being fucked on my side in a kind of a fetal position with my hips elevated on a pillow, with Him kneeling upright next to me. This really allows us to minimize my movements and if I’m having a bad shoulder day, I can decide which side I am on accordingly. Since it keeps my hips together too, it will probably be a great position for us long into the future. It also gives easy access to my tits. (That’s not EDS-related. It’s just fun.)
The other most frequent with us is doggie style. When I’m in more pain, I actually do this putting a lot of weight on my knees/shins and face in addition to chest and sort of putting my hands on either shoulder in a coffin type position. Again, this minimizes movement. There are days when I can’t find a good position for my neck doing this but am still horny, which brings me to…
I can kick off sex with blowjobs on my knees for a short while and sometimes can give them with Him lying down and myself on both hands and knees, doing a more push-up type motion than anything else—but for the most part, I end up making too much movement for my unstable neck and shoulders to do either for long. But by far the easiest of any kind of sex for me is—yes, I’m serious—lying down and having my face fucked. On a memory foam contoured pillow, my head doesn’t move much at all doing this, and Him straddling my chest and arms keeps them in place. And I have no gag reflex at all anymore in this position and think it’s hot AF. So yes, yes, it’s true. In my most out-of-commision-but-still-sexy state, my best way of getting sexual connection is having my mouth turned into a passive hole. Lucky me, I’m a broken little thing in other ways and can get off to this the way my Owner does it. YMMV.

@808KD says:

Jaws suck to put back into place. So I prefer to use an open mouth gag for throat fucking. It keeps jaw fatigue to a minimum and I won’t get overzealous and open too wide and dislocate my jaw.

Pelvic organs:

Something worth mentioning is that—by some estimates—more than 50% of all those with a uterus will experience pelvic organ prolapse at some point in their life. Most of this will occur at the very least after childbirth, and often not until menopause. There’s a population likely to have them much younger even when not having ever given birth and if you guessed that’s people with EDS, you’re right! This is actually what led me to my official diagnosis.

I have a kind of prolapse called a cystocele. It’s not visible from the outside and my Owner has said that it’s not something that He can pick up on. It was noticeable enough to me to get it diagnosed, but since that happened, I either stopped feeling it or just got acclimated to it enough that I don’t notice. It won’t get better. I can only try to prevent it getting worse. The use of overlarge toys was never an interest of mine or part of our play, and it probably won’t become one in the future for this reason.

At the appointment where I learned about my cystocele and the EDS connection, I was told that to avoid rectal prolapse, I should not have anal again. This was very sad for me as I was able to come from it, but that’s just how it be sometimes. I’ve had other EDS people say their doctors saw no problem with it, so consult your own professionals. (Update 2024: recently, we’ve had some progress in my disappointment in this in that it turns out hypnosis is very effective on me! I will not be taking further questions at this time. *hides immediately*)

@-Gingerr- says:

EDS & childbirth gives a higher chance for a prolapse (note for education here, there are 4 stages of prolapse and only 2 involve organs outside the body, the other 2 are just a slightly lower placement than ‘normal’ inside the body). My cervix will always sit lower in my pelvis now than it should and no amount of kegels will improve it further than the progress I’ve already made. Part of this is psychological, I like to be filled when I have an orgasm, preventing my cervix from moving further down as my muscles squeeze during an orgasm. If im not filled I worry my cervix will move further down again and cause long term discomfort. Secondly because its always a bit lower, some sexual positions will always hit my cervix no matter the size of dick I’m being penetrated by. I enjoy a little bit of masochism but there’s only so much of a cervix beating I can take so some positions are for minimal time, or not at all.

Birth control

If and when childbirth is a thing for me, there are a number of potential complications. Luckily, I have the best possible OBGYN for this. Still, because it’s very very important this not be a thing for me til I’m ready, birth control became even more of a priority for me than ever before.
I was always super sensitive to birth controls and paid hundreds of dollars a month at one time to keep from having to take a kind that turned me into a demon (ACA is not a match for a particularly predatory patent.) My very EDS-knowledgeable OBGYN puts all her patients in this category on the lowest estrogen pill possible. Though YMMV, it is my doctor’s belief that none of her patients with EDS should ever be on a progesterone-only pill (minipill) or use the shot and that we be very careful with the implant or IUDs as we may have a heightened tendency to have them move out of place. I am inclined to take her advice.
At the time I met her—right after I became aware of my pelvic organ prolapse—I was a few weeks post-taking the morning-after pill. I never want to take that again in my life; it was a nightmare for me, and therefore, my daily pill is even more important and something that would need to be thought about for any multi-day scene. Plan B works by using enough progesterone to make your body think you are already pregnant, therefore preventing a pregnancy from taking. It is possible that the complications I experienced then were a direct result of the hormones already telling my lax body to relax more.

Heart, Vasovagal, and Dysautonomia Response

POTS is not necessarily always part of EDS, but it’s highly comorbid. Being upside-down could cause me to pass out or have some other response in this realm; since suspension is no longer a thing for me, this isn’t such a big category for me these days. However, hydration is a big way I manage these symptoms and is something I prioritize every day and especially on play days and throughout play.

@SweetWhisky says:

My tachycardia is easily triggered, though being horizontal means I almost never pass out. What does happen easily for me is constant adrenal surges and tachycardia. This paves the way for subspace to be a rather easily achieved goal with me. However, this also means that intense sex almost always means recovery to a level like I’ve been having panic attacks. It means intense exhaustion can be a very real thing. I’m also a squirter to a serious level, which can leave me heavily dehydrated. Coupled with the tachycardia and adrenal surges, this can be hell on my body.

@LovelyDarkness adds:

extreme reactions to temp. If its too cold I loose circulation and get a Raynaud’s attack, if its too hot, my extremities swell and I get dizzy. So I need my play environment to be a safe temp. for me. Additionally, with my autonomic system out of wack, it can impact things like being able to orgasm. So, being aware and communicating that is just my body and not a reflection on my enjoyment of sex or my partner’s sex skills.

@sadie writes in-depth about experiences to this end on Fetlife here.

The All-Encompassing “Other”

There are a few other factors I have to think about when it comes to EDS and kink. Big ones right now are

I have some issues with bladder proprioception (I can’t always tell when I really have to pee, leaving me sitting for an hour or more at a time waiting for it to happen sure that it will any second) and sometimes GERD. I have a comorbid Chiari Malformation which causes migraines. Managing these is a consideration of mine on planned play days especially, to be sure.
MCAS is another common comorbidity. Since we don’t know what I’ll have an allergic reaction to, I now have epi-pens in my bedroom and my car. At any party we go to in the future, one will come in a playbag.
Disability makes me more dependent on my Owner’s support, both emotional and financial, and this can affect how people come to the table in terms of consent. We communicate extremely well but I try to self-audit frequently as to how this fact pertains to our communication, especially in light of the sometimes very intense emotional S/m we engage in. (I also fetishize it for that. Hey, we all have our thing(s).)
The biggest effects on my play are the more general, cumulative ones where the associated pain and fatigue has lessened both how often I can play and how often I can be surprised by it. Though this may have happened organically over time anyway, having fewer days I can play as physically as I’d like absolutely have been aided by us developing major interests in emotional play, as well as other sorts of play like needles. But this can be a cause of depression and even breakdowns for me. I want Him to throw me into walls at random and that’s just not the life I can live anymore. I want Him to not care I’m in severe pain and fuck me anyway. Sometimes He will—to a point. Mostly, He won’t. His risk profile for me is higher than my risk profile for myself. In exchange, I tell Him about all the little changes I may experience, good or bad, so He can make these decisions. That’s why our no-safeword TPE works.
My Owner also learns about all this and its potential solutions for me alongside me (largely by patiently listening to me read things aloud and ramble), theorizes with me about connections, and attends any relevant appointments He can. This is so important to our being able to play safely.

This all kind of sounds like a lot put like this. It isn’t, in practice. Each element kind of gets added and figured out as you go and you change things and they just become integrated into your life.

I am grateful for this life. It also isn’t the one I wanted. I am grateful for my person. He is the one I always want. I feel like a burden often. He does His best to talk me out of it. Not everyone has someone like this and I know this and value it deeply. I thought I’d have more to say in this paragraph and I don’t. Simply: it just be like that sometimes. We keep going anyway.

I’ve added quotes from people throughout as I could, and invite anyone else to add their info as relevant below if you’d like. If you want to write a full note about this or already have one, let me know and I’ll add the link to the list below. I’ll also add to this as things change over my life. Finally, if you have some other health condition or limitation and want to write a note about how you use it to manage play, please send me a link. One day, time and resources allowing, I intend to make lists for the Risk Evaluation Database allowing people to search by health consideration in addition to by kind of play.

Links from others:
Nath wrote about their experience with their EDS as a top here.

You can find the original Fetlife version of this post, which has some additional thoughts and responses from others in the comments, by clicking here.

Jan

2024

When it comes to your body, seek experts for things you need experts in.*

Most of Fetlandia are not medical professionals.

Even if they are—because I know some rather excellent humans who are exceptions to that—they’re more than likely not your medical professionals.

And what this means is they aren’t qualified to give you the important information you need about your body and safety, no matter how much they have experienced, how visible they are, or how long they have been around.

I get a big ol’ frowny face every time I see someone pose to strangers online: “Can I do x during my wife’s pregnancy?” or “Is y safe with implants?” They can’t tell you these things. Your friends can’t. I can’t. And your kink presenter more than likely can’t, either.

The examples aren’t always that extreme, but that doesn’t mean they’re any less dangerous. Asking your friend “what stretches should I use to help this muscle pull?” or “am I strong enough to do this activity?” or even “is this how this is supposed to heal?” isn’t fair to your body, and it isn’t fair to them, either. When you do that, you put people in a situation where—if they give you advice you take, and then you end up permanently injured—they might feel responsible for your life. Not cool.

It’s frankly disturbing to me how often I’ve personally experienced this from people on this site. Yes, I’ve bottomed for a number of things, and I have talked to people who’ve bottomed for a number of things, but I can’t tell you if your body is up for that, and I can’t tell you if your recovery is normal. If I do that, maybe you don’t go to the doctor when you should, and then that’s on me. (And more than likely if you’ve ever asked me that question, I have indeed told you to go to a doctor even if I wouldn’t.) And yeah, I feel comfortable leading others in the stretching routine I use and talking about why it is the way it is, but that sure doesn’t mean I’m trained to teach you yoga.* And I can commiserate with you over chronic pain, but I can’t tell you what yours comes from or how you should treat it. I’m not qualified to do any of that, and you deserve more.

Now, what I can tell you is my own experience. I can tell you if something is in my risk profile and how I decided that. I can talk about what I’ve learned and how I’ve learned it. I can show you the routines and tests I personally use. I can share my experience with chronic pain and hypermobility spectrum disorders and tell you about how I got diagnoses, what has and hasn’t worked for me, and what I think of various doctors. But that’s about the extent of what I can do, or what anyone here should be doing. Don’t get me wrong: those conversations can** be super useful, affirming, and educational for everyone in them. They also aren’t even remotely equivalent to what a professional can do.

When you need an expert for something, ask an expert. Don’t ask a Fet forum. Don’t make it your status. Don’t text your buddy. And to take it a step further, ask an expert in the thing you’re wondering about. You probably wouldn’t ask your English professor friend to do your taxes, and you most likely shouldn’t ask your rope instructor, talented as they may be, to teach you fire play. Don’t put that burden on other people. Don’t take that chance with your body.

You only get one of these skin bags, just like anyone else. There are people out there who have studied and trained in the questions you have. They did that to help people. Seek them out.

And if you are answering these kinds of questions based on your personal experiences alone and posing it as fact?
Stop.

*The tea is that yoga studios pay the bills with yoga teacher training classes, many of which have no application process, and your yoga teacher also might not be well-trained to teach you yoga. But that’s another rant for another day.

**Emphasis on can—people with chronic illnesses often become others’ de facto medical information booklets, and it is pretty unfair/exhausting to ask people to explain what sucks about their health and why all the time.

Jan

2024

We SHOULD talk about fitness and bottoming—but we need to do it better.

There’s a lot of talk right now about bottoming skills, and one complaint I keep seeing is how much focus is given to “physical fitness” as the gold standard of bottoming: how much that contributes to Western stereotypes of beauty, how that rebels against things we now know about difficulties and dangers of weight loss, etc. I will admit, my own class on pain processing does have a section emphasizing that regular exercise may contribute to ability there, so in light of all the recent discussion, I’ve been doing some thinking on this—and I think the problem is not talking about fitness and bottoming, but the way in which we are doing it.

I do believe fitness can be a very important element in a bottoming toolbox, but I think we need to hold these conversations and mentions in classes to a higher standard. I want to address a few of the things I think we should focus on, and a few of the things we can do better at. After, I would love to hear some of your thoughts and additions, and am very open to hearing the ways in which what I’m saying may be problematic. I do want to note that am coming from the standpoint of someone who has the time and resources to focus on this, and that isn’t universal. On the other hand, I also have chronic pain and injuries (not to mention medical debt) now that—while I cannot confirm—may have had something to do with not thinking about any of this at the start of my kink journey, so I think it’s an important thing to prioritize when possible. But we should keep in mind that the ability to eat healthily and go to gyms or join fitness classes is means-dependent.

Finally, before I start, we all should ask if what I’m about to say is even important or relevant to being a bottom. No. It isn’t. I would love for us all to eliminate terms like good bottom, talented bottom, what makes a better bottom, etc. Bottoming means lots of things, and it may have nothing to do with endurance or ability. At the heart of what we do are people. If you are having the connective scenes you want and avoiding harm, who cares?

That said. If you are a person to whom those things matter, or who might be interested in becoming more in tune with your body, here are some of my thoughts.

What forms of exercise are even important?

Go on Pinterest and search fitness. You’ll find lots of better beach body formulas, tricks for eliminating hip dips (spoiler: would need to change your skeleton in most cases) and toning your inner thighs (spoiler: can’t do both that and get a big booty, friends. Quads are hot, yo.) Outside of frequently just being ineffective fitness programs, we need to be careful of not saying these visual elements are what make a “fit” bottom or assuming someone is one just because they fit that body type. Here are a few things I think “bottoming fitness” should really focus on:

Awareness and knowledge of proper form and muscle activation in exercise. General practice in intentional movements will help body awareness become second nature to you. It will help you to learn more about good pain vs bad pain and what you should and shouldn’t push through; it will help you notice if you are holding muscles tight as a stress reaction in a way that causes you unnecessary discomfort; it will help you know on a daily basis what muscles are working, which are connected, and how that might impact what you should and shouldn’t do that day. And of course generally help prevent injury, as well.

Endurance and breathing. Regular exercise, done correctly, should teach you to breathe in moments of stress and tension. It gets you used to holding a higher heart rate for longer, which I believe helps you to regulate your own fight/flight response and “last longer.” It may help you train yourself in “pushing through the pain.”

Strength training, particularly around joints. We bend over, kneel, and stretch our arms above us on a cross. We need to help the places we hinge hold strong for the things that we do—particularly the shoulders and hips, which have the highest mobility and lowest stability. Sure, many can do these things without ever having built up their muscle strength, but what happens when you’re fatigued? If you find yourself having to stop scenes because of general aches and pains, maybe this is part of the problem. What if you slip? What if something hits the wrong way at the wrong force? Strong muscles around joints act as shocks, making you less likely to dislocate something. And I hope that when it comes to rope or stress position play, why this is important goes without saying.

Stretching correctly. For both rope bottoms and others, stretching is really important to avoid strain, cramps, and injuries—but doing it too much or in the wrong ways can cause them. Learning to stretch (and I do mean learning) as a fitness activity will help you understand the way your body can, should, and shouldn’t move (particularly important for rope, wherein you may want to tell a top how far your leg can extend for a sustainable amount of time before they start cranking it up there). It’ll make for healthier joints, which is good for all the reasons mentioned above. It creates better stability, balance, and posture, and it’ll raise your energy and lower your tension levels—which may help prevent you from having to stop a scene due to holding your muscles too tight and having pains that are unrelated to your scene.

What can we do better at when discussing fitness and bottoming?

It should be obvious by now that I don’t think we should avoid saying exercise can help you as a bottom–but that doesn’t mean that we’re doing it correctly. It’s important to note, whether as an educator or simply talking to friends, what might do more harm than good. Here are a few things I want to see more when this topic comes up.

Not stating what fitness is or looks like. Anyone remember that awful article that specified that a good bottom could do like, this and that type of plank for this long, this number of pull-ups, etc? Nope. Different bodies need different things. Further, discourage using ‘fit’ as the antonym of ‘fat’. Weight has very little to do with fitness (particularly since muscle weighs more than fat). When you talk about “being fit” as a bottom, talk about the reasons for doing it: stamina, injury prevention, and body awareness. Sure, many of us work out for aesthetics, and that’s fine too, but there is no reason that needs to be relevant to your kink.

Teaching about actual stretching health at the myriads of bottom flexibility classes. It isn’t enough to just go and show a bunch of stretches that feel good to you. We need to teach the difference between static and dynamic stretching, and that static stretching should not be done as a warm-up if you have been inactive. We need to talk about the difference between stretching and limbering and teach people that they shouldn’t do flexibility work-outs that cause micro-tears right before their scene. We need to teach about end-range of motion, what affects what muscle group, and so on–not just what is flexy and pretty.

Being upfront about limitations in expertise. If you have not gone through yoga (or whatever it is you’re leading) teacher training, this needs to be made explicit, and you should not be offering people modifications for injuries and ability level. I’m not saying it isn’t okay to teach these things–but if you’re painting yourself as an authority of this sport/activity, people might come in expecting you can deal with their unique situation, and you can’t. You can not. If you haven’t studied something with an expert (reading a lot online doesn’t count), learning the way that bodies other than yours work, then just mention you’re speaking from your own experience and cannot to others. I’d even suggest going as far as to put a disclaimer that those with any injuries or limitations should speak to a doctor before doing x. (And on the flipside, at this point I’d just say you should never assume someone in the community teaching any form of physical activity has any formal training until told otherwise and need to take everything they say with a grain of salt (myself included.))

Talk about fitness for tops, too. Joint health is *very* important for tops in both impact and rigging, and bettering their body awareness skills and knowledge of muscle groups will help them to be safer with their bottoms (and meaner, if so inclined.) When we mention it in a class meant for both sides but direct it only towards the bottoms, we’re passively reinforcing the idea of “a good bottom is fit” as opposed to “fitness is important.”

Focusing on injury prevention over ability. There need to be more classes and mentions of fitness focusing on common injuries that could be preventable (dislocations, strains, to some extent falls). That’s infinitely more helpful to kink than how deep your backbend is (and should even help someone be safer in their backbend, if that’s something that’s important to them!)

Speaking in terms of risk awareness. Finally, we should approach this as a tool and not a necessity. There is nothing inherently wrong with frequently being tied or standing in tough positions or whatever with absolutely none of this as a part of your life. It may, however, be more of a risk. That’s how we should recommend fitness: this is something that might make you less likely to get injured in a scene and more able to recognize what is or is not going on with your body. If it’s not your jam, that’s cool, just know it’s something that could affect you.

In quick summary, fitness is important—for both tops and bottoms—particularly when it comes to preventing our bodies from cramping or becoming stiff, which might end a scene prematurely or even lead to injury. It also can help you become more in tune with your body and more aware of how things should feel. It should be brought up in bottoming classes and it should be taught—but with language that considers what we really mean when we say “fit,” with honesty as to our own experience and body-knowledge, and with a focus on the reasoning behind it.

Health looks like a lot of things. Physical fitness, whatever that means, is one of these things. It isn’t the only, and it isn’t a must–but I don’t think we are doing anyone a service by avoiding it completely.

If you are a top here, I encourage you to check out this Fetlife post on physical health for riggers.

If you know of other similar resources, let me know. I’d actively like to add more.

Interested in having more bottoming education in your area? Check out the List of Bottoming Classes and consider hiring one of these fine folks or suggesting your local event do so!

Many thanks to just_bird, a fabulous physio-in-training who helped me fact-check and add a few things to this. If you want to join in on the conversation in the comments on Fetlife, you can do so by clicking here.

Jan

2024

Four Things You’re Getting (Kind of) Wrong about Stretching

1) Proper stretching is important for rope bottoms.

Yep! And all other bottoms, and all other people. Especially in terms of pain processing, stretching teaches your muscles to handle discomfort and stop tensing up so easily. But more than that, in any case where you’re going to be holding some position—be that bending over something, holding your arms up on a cross, or whathaveyou—you risk your muscles stiffening in a way that causes Bad Pain. Stretching will reduce that risk. Not to mention, if you’re like me and are a flincher or sudden-twister when hit with something particularly hard, you want that range of motion already warmed up.

Tops, you probably don’t need to be doing any sort of serious flex work, but you’d do well to warm up your wrists and shoulders. You don’t want those to tense or tire out in the middle of throwing a bullwhip. I know 99% of you do not do any sort of warm up or care about any of this, but if you happen to be reading this and find that your arms are sore the day after a scene or that you’re stopping for your sake and not the bottoms, maybe try it. Again, nothing extreme: these simple mobility drills will do you wonders.

2) Flexibility and strength are different disciplines.

Yep! And they also are essential to success in the other.
Flexibility and strength training go hand-in-hand. When you stretch and can’t go any further, it’s because the muscle has contracted to stop you, knowing it lacks the strength there. That’s your end range-of-motion, and the muscle needs to become stronger there in order for you to actively engage it and push further. Strength also builds stability around joints, which is particularly important if you’re hyperflexible.

A quick way to test if your strength can support your stretching is to test your active vs passive flexibility. Lying on your back, kick one leg up, grab your ankle, and pull (gently, as I assume you are not warmed up) it to your personal end range—where you feel a pull, but not pain. That’s your passive flexibility. Then, let go but *try to keep the leg in the same position*. You’ll need to engage those muscles to hold that there. That’s your active flexibility. It’s going to go down a bit, of course; your passive will always be stronger than your active–but if you have a vast difference between them, you might want to work on strength. You don’t need to grab a barbell or anything, though that’s fun too. You can do what you were just doing and work on holding it. (That’s the very incomplete crash course on how to increase your flexibility, by the by: bringing your mobility to its end range on a regular basis.)

This point particularly pertains to rope, in that rope often acts as that hold at the bottom’s passive end range-of-motion. If their active is not the same, they are going to develop fatigue and need to come out of that stretch much faster.

3) I saw this person in this crazy shape. I’d get injured if I tried to do that, but they are super bendy so it’s fine.

Maybe! There are a lot of talented bendy circus-y strong bottoms out there. But it’s also quite possible to be able to get down into the splits or go into a backbend and be doing it in ways that are incredibly unhealthy. Proper form is important, and many people find that when in a flexibility class following an instructor’s alignment cues they suddenly can do less than what they thought. Your body being *able* to do something doesn’t always mean it *should* do the thing. One place you can really see this is with backbends—check for ribs flaring out, or for a sharp angle in the bend, as opposed to a smooth curve. This happens when your lower back is overcompensating for a lack of extension in other areas, which is going to put extra pressure on your spine eventually leading to injury. In a bridge pose, you also might see shoulders that are not above wrists/bent elbows. I recently uploaded a “before” photo of a backbending pose, and in it I can see the sharp bend mentioned before, because my thoracic (upper back) mobility isn’t quite there. It’s very possible that when I upload the end image in another two months here I’ll have *less* of a bend—but if that is the case it will be a healthier one that I can continue to work on, as opposed to one that will likely eventually harm me. All this to say: people may be able to get into crazier shapes than you, but they might also be setting themselves up for more injury. When you start bending healthily, you may appear to “lose” flexibility, but all things come with practice.

(Note: If you’re actually training your flexibility or want to assess your backbends, you can see the sharp angle I was referring to here. On the other side of things, you can see a beautiful rounded backbend where the spine is bending evenly across the board in this photo of Fet’s very own @RopeKitteH.)*

3) You should always stretch before a work-out, or before a scene

Maybe! But not if it is the first thing you are doing, especially when you wake up. Stretching is not a warm-up. I cannot reiterate that enough. Stretching cold muscles is the best way to pull them and be totally out of commission. The first thing we do in contortion class, for example, is run a few laps—but if you aren’t setting up for an exhaustive flexibility-based work-out, anything that ups your heart rate is fine. You want to increase your body’s muscle temperature, which will make your muscles more pliable and therefore less likely to tear in ways you don’t want them to. Take a brisk walk around the dungeon to see what’s going on and wake your hips up from sitting in the car. If music is on, dance a bit. Anything but jumping right into it. Working on your active flexibility in order to increase flexibility overall, as per number 2, should never be done before a scene or at the beginning of a work-out. Which brings us to…

4) Holding yoga poses is a great way to stretch.

Point the first: I so often see bottoms, generally rope bottoms, doing full splits, forward bends, etc, and holding them before a scene. Depending on your goals, this may not be the right way to prepare. In fact, research would show that holding static stretches does absolutely nothing in terms of injury prevention(1), though that isn’t to say it isn’t useful for increasing flexibility. On the other side of things, *dynamic* flexibility significantly reduces risk of injury(2) (noting, of course, that these are studies on athletes—as you might imagine, not a lot of research on this exists pertaining to kink!)

What is dynamic flexibility? That’s what you’re going to find in a yoga flow. You move your body in a controlled way, increasing your range of motion a little each time, without ever holding anything taut. Flowing back and forth in cat-cow is one a lot of people know. I like to do a fan-kick type motion in and out to warm up my hips. They can simply be shoulder rolls. Antranik’s videos on these (not to mention his whole site) take you through a great deal, and you can choose according to what will be most useful for you.

Point the second: Yoga is a fantastic discipline, but it is a practice that is focused on many things—the mental/spiritual, strength, balance. Your flexibility likely will grow in a yoga class, but if that’s your end-goal it isn’t going to be nearly as efficient as other things. If you’re looking to train your flexibility, I recommend seeking out your local circus school.

Point the third: Doing crazy stretches might be impressive, but it isn’t going to be helpful before your scene. Stretching can easily create micro-tears in your muscles—which is fine; that’s how they grow, and those generally go away in 24-48 hours—but it isn’t what you want pre-getting hurt. What you want to do is limber up. That is, bring your body to your normal range of motion, but do not go past it as we tend to when pushing in a static hold. I’ll point you once more to the mobility video I referred tops to above. This is what you want; more on the side of limbering up than stretching.

I hope that all made sense. I’m never quite sure how to write conclusions to this sort of thing that don’t sound like a high school essay, so I’ll just say that I am not a medical professional nor am I an expert in this—just sharing the things I’ve learned since beginning seriously studying flexibility. If you’d like to join in on the conversation on this writing on Fetlife, you can do so by clicking here. I do occasionally give flexibility workshops, which you can best find out about by following me on Fetlife and/or subscribing to my newsletter (and by asking your favorite event hosts to schedule a class with me! (-; )

(1) Pope, Rodney Peter, et al. “A Randomized Trial of Preexercise Stretching for Prevention of Lower-Limb Injury.” Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise, vol. 32, no. 2, 2000, p. 271., doi:10.1097/00005768-200002000-00004.

(2) Labella, CR, et al. “Effect of Neuromuscular Warm-up on Injuries in Female Soccer and Basketball Athletes in Urban Public High Schools.” Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, vol. 166, no. 1, Jan. 2012, p. 73., doi:10.1001/archpediatrics.2011.1477.