(Pardon my dust -- this is still somewhat under development)
The homepage here has what I believe to be the best current bio — I'm a pretty "what you see is what you get" kind of person and don't like marketing stuff. That said, the places I teach for do have to do that, so here's the ~official bio:
vahavta began her kink journey a decade ago and has been grateful to get to teach, play, and learn in communities in North Carolina, Chicago, St. Louis, and internationally along the way. Today, she serves her husband in a 24/7 CNC-based Total Power Exchange with heavy elements of emotional play and service and is often found sporting large bruises, writing, or enjoying a good beer. vahavta is disabled, Jewish, and femme, and believes in approaching kink with a firm understanding of intersectional context. As an educator, she aims to give honest and risk-aware information that applies to the realities of human behavior, focusing largely on the "how" and asking people to consider their personal capabilities, interests, and readiness. Passionate about community collaboration, vahavta is proud to run the Risk Evaluation Database (RED) and contribute regularly to kink blogs and her own writing on Fetlife and kinkbeyondlimits.com. In all aspects of her life, she strives to be a work in progress.
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My Ethics and Guiding Principles as a Kink Educator and Writer
Knowledge is empowerment.
Whether in teaching, writing, or curating RED, I am committed to providing accurate and empowering information and admitting when I do not have the answers. Knowledge equips people with the tools they need to make informed choices and navigate their paths with confidence. Providing incomplete information to newer kinksters and denying them access to spaces to discuss riskier play does not make them safer in any way. Though I do have hard lines I will not cross, it is also for this reason—along with my belief in autonomy mentioned later on—that I simultaneously appreciate when I am given information on the less-than-ideal practices of a particular organization and why I may choose to teach for them anyway. If I am aware of what bad practices are being conveyed to their attendees as acceptable, I can work needed education around those topics into the class I present for them. While this may sometimes mean that people with less than ideal practices may profit from my work with them, what they make there is temporary. On the other hand, what I can convey to those in the class might help them make more informed decisions going forward for as long as they are in kink.
Empathy as a core value.
Empathy guides my interactions and understanding of each individual's unique journey. My "reason" for kink has always had to do with my wanting to feel a fuller spectrum of human experience. In writing, teaching, consulting, and simply just chatting, I strive to know and connect with others on their level. I aim to include perspectives that make those who are unlike me feel valued and seen as much as I can, but with an understanding that no one person can do it all. Still, I always look for ways I can relate to others' views for my own enrichment, if for no other reason. I always prefer to be too generous with compassion than the other way around, including with myself.
Every desire between consenting adults is valid.
Every individual's desires are valid and worthy of pursuing, should they wish, so long as they are within a framework of informed consent between adults. In my work, I aim to creating a non-judgmental space where everyone and especially bottoms can explore and express their desires without shame or stigma.
Consent is complicated.
"Yes means yes" is a less-risky kind of consent, but it's not the be-all end-all. I rarely give a yes, and I have written before that I think the concept of "enthusiasm" being needed is one that doesn't always apply to how someone is able to make or even wants their sex life to look, especially those of us with disabilities and chronic illness. Conversely, there are times where a "yes" doesn't mean yes at all and is a fawn response, or does mean yes but is in a context that makes that consent trickier due to pre-existing power dynamics of authority and other forms of privilege. Outside of 2-3year agegap "romeo and juliet" cases, I do not ever condone non-minors being with minors, even those who say they consent—there's too much you don't know or think through when you're young. Other factors, like financial disparities, ability level imbalances, and experience-level gaps should always have seats at the table of what consent might mean between individuals, but do not inherently rule out the possibility.
Individual belief and autonomy are cornerstones of what I do, which I sometimes profit from with conscientious intentionality.
Everything I say has an asterisk on it that means "this may not necessarily apply to you." There is no one true way. Though I may not approach things in the same way you do, I do not believe your approaches are inherently lesser just for not being my own.
Everyone has the right to speak for themselves, including me. My writing and teaching is my own unless specified otherwise, and I will always give credit where due. On the other end of this is that I believe I have the right to assert when the work I do is mine, which it most often is—not my partner's, not past partners', not friends, not that of servers I'm in. I do not automatically agree with the opinions or acts of any of that list in any situation, nor do my opinions represent any of them. Where I disagree with any of the above, I say so. I do not believe this always must happen publicly, nor that public disagreement is always (or even often) an effective approach to changing minds. Still, if asked privately, I will most often tell you if I do or do not agree with the statement or action of any of the above, as I assure you I have already told them. Asking me to publicly agree with something that I do not for a united front is a quick path to losing me as part of that front.
I make many resources free, including any writing that is about safety. I will never, ever put written safety-focused resources behind a paywall. I will often link at least one class or paid resource in writing and sometimes do other forms of advertising, and this allows me to continue making the free ones. (This also means Fet has me marked as a commercial profile, so if you have a setting to not show trending content from commercial profiles, you may wish to click "follow" or you might not always see what I put out there.) Where I profit from my work, it is part of a desire to continue providing value in kink with an acknowledgement that my time itself is valuable, especially as someone working to afford the often very expensive life of being disabled. When I do profit, it funds me, and maybe my dog (who is really great and you'd probably want to support her). My professional endeavors in kink and what results from them are not shared with my partner, most of all because this is my work, and this has always been the case. When I am teaching in a way that is officially hosted by a venue or group, it is likely that the group also profits from those tickets and I invite you to make your decisions accordingly. I am always happy to share what that looks like if it is a deciding factor for you for a certain event.
Topping skills aren't enough. Hard skills aren't enough.
Bottoms have both a right and a responsibility to engage in kink education so that they might better communicate their needs, facilitate in-the-moment scene awareness, and evaluate risks for themselves, rather than simply trusting a top who says they have experience. Good tops should be listening to bottoming educators, and conscientious venues should be booking their classes, as well as compensating them for said classes at the same rate they do tops. I will not teach at conventions that do not. Bottom halves of teaching duos deserve credit and often can make classes significantly more useful, and those who book classes that hire tops with demo bottoms should compensate the bottom as well as the top. On both sides of the slash, soft skills like communication and empathy are imperative to creating safer and more fulfilling kink. I focus not only on knowledge transfer but also on nurturing these essential interpersonal skills in various ways, including within myself.
Educators and writers are humans.
I am not perfect or an expert in all things, nor do I ever wish to convey myself in that way. I aim to acknowledge when I don't know an answer, when I've shared information that turns out to be incorrect, and when a project I've started ends up outside of my present bandwidth. I talk about my struggles openly wherever I am comfortable with and try to be an open book in my DMs too, but I do set boundaries where I need to. I refuse to compromise my own self-care and self-protection, and I am comfortable with the idea that my boundaries, response rate, and approaches make me not the educator for everyone.
I embrace risk-aware growth.
Many worthwhile endeavors come with risks. I give myself room to fail and dislike things and therefore may not follow through with every project I begin. I try not to begin anything that I do not foresee myself being able to complete at that time, and I then move at the speed of life.
I encourage others to embrace challenges, knowing that growth often lies outside of our comfort zones. Nevertheless, I have seen that some who claim RACK do not put in the work to actually be aware of the risks of what they do and are instead simply declaring that risks might exist. This is not informed consent to me, and so I am specific with risks and try to facilitate greater awareness through RED and other content.
Authentic friendship with boundaries.
I am not opposed to becoming friends with people who I meet because they attended a class of mine, and I often do just that. I am always authentically me, and friend-vahavta is not really a different persona from educator-vahavta, just one with more of a non-kink life. If I seem to be your friend, I am your friend—I have neither the desire, social energy, or tact to pretend to be friendly with someone just because I could profit from their being connected to me. Because I am monogamous, including in play, my educational ethics do not include when I will or won't engage with others on those levels, as it is already off the table. Still, I recognize there are ways that even friendships are impacted by power differentials, so I do not often reach out to people first and do not tend to pester people if they do not respond to something from me, aiming to allow then to opt-out of our connection at any time. With giving advice and the like, I maintain professional boundaries for a long time to respect the inherent power differential as well as my own ability to choose my own friends. I value the contributions of everyone in my life and am grateful for the relationships I build and how many different ways that can look.
Commitment to continuous learning and accessibility.
I am a voracious reader and learner. Continuous learning enriches my understanding and enables me to better include perspectives of diverse backgrounds. I am committed to accessibility and strive to make my ability to meet or not meet someone's access needs clear as quickly as possible.
I have the right and the responsibility to change with new information, as well as to not take stances on things I do not feel I am fully informed about.
Taking in new information can change beliefs and understandings. My stance is that it should. I reserve the right to change my mind and put forth an idea that may conflict with one I've shared in the past at any time. I may tell you I am not picking a side on a topic out of not knowing enough about it, and will not compromise on that just to stand with you—but I will hear whatever information you bring me and take it in as part of my process. Where new information challenges my beliefs, I will do the necessary research and work to confirm or alter said beliefs accordingly. All things, including this list of ethics and principles, are fluid and subject to the possibilities of growth and change.
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