Any time I have used the word bottom in this post, it should be considered to apply to switches working from the bottoming perspective as well.
There’s been a lot of talk about consent, negotiation, “big name” tops (largely riggers) and so on in the past week or two. This has always been a problem and unfortunately, one we can’t seem to pay attention to without a recent consent violation. While the situations which brought this to the larger community’s attention are devastating and disheartening to say the least, we’re talking right now, and for that, I am glad. Don’t stop talking about it.
However, we’re missing something.
Yes. Let’s teach consent. Let’s teach negotiation. Let’s teach tops to hold each other accountable. Let’s support bottoms when they come forward or need resources, however we can.
But it just isn’t that simple.
How can we teach about consent and making needs known if we aren’t teaching about power dynamics? When you’re in an ongoing relationship with an inherent and chosen imbalance, it becomes more difficult to speak up. What about power dynamics that aren’t discussed but are implied, due to one person’s fame or position as an educator/leader? When someone is universally seen as a greater authority, it becomes more difficult to tell them they’re doing something wrong, even if you know otherwise.
How do we fix this?
It has to come from the bottom. We have to have bottoms speak about these things. Only those with the personal understanding of these particular positions can facilitate discussions with others about their experiences. Yes, there are tops with enormous knowledge to share, and bottoms can benefit a great deal from being at their classes. But to have a top be the one to teach about the hardships and the tools needed to better conduct yourself as a safe and empowered bottom *inherently* defies the point.
No doubt, tops can benefit from encouraging this as well. To expand bottoming education from consent and negotiation will build our confidence as bottoms, let us take a more active role in play, and give us the skills to improve our dynamics and relationships in a way which is sustainable and keeps us happy and fulfilled. Keeping your dynamics strong need not be your responsibility alone. Let us share that burden with you.
Let’s talk for a second about gender. One of the reasons I believe this is an issue is due to the majority of “big names” being male tops. While I can think of a number of excellent females (on both sides of the slash) who are brought out to teach, there’s vast imbalance in the presenter scene favoring relationships between male tops and female bottoms. I don’t begrudge this. I don’t see any problem with it. I’m all bottom; my Owner is all top. There’s no problem with those roles being assigned to those genders (by choice.) But the current lack of bottoming education is both a cause and an effect of a who is most publicly a bottom, and who is seen as fit to lead.
I want to be clear that, as both a feminist and an advocate for men’s rights, I’m not just speaking about the disempowerment of female educators. Due to the typical perceptions of masculinity, I believe that male bottoms do not feel comfortable loudly announcing their role in this way. This isn’t something I have any proof of, but the Fetlife member statistics alone show that there’s an extremely high number of men who identify as subs (the most populated of the gender-to-role categories, if I remember correctly — somebody tell me where I saw this). And yet thus far, I’ve only had one male bottom come forward as an educator while creating my list of bottoming classes (see link at bottom).
There’s one more issue to add, and it’s a result of all of the above (belief that bottoms don’t need educating on anything other than consent and negotiation, an excess of celebrity tops, gender disparity, and more).
Imposter syndrome.
When I was getting in touch with bottoms who I know are experienced and knowledgable, who have written wonderful things, who I myself have learned from through conversation, I heard something over and over again:
“Oh, I don’t have anything to say.” “I’m not sure anyone would take this.” And so on.
Who is telling you that? Why do you think that? If you’re giving your friends advice and having discussions with newbies who message you about what you’ve experienced, you are already an educator. Sure, if you have no desire to be in front of a group, that’s one thing. But if you believe you aren’t experienced enough or you don’t have anything to say, and you’re already saying things to others one on one… you’re wrong. You’re good enough. Create a class. Get it out there.
We can only work on these issues if we expand and change the way we present.
We can only change the presenter culture if we encourage and hire bottoms as educators.
And by doing this, we can only make our own lives, relationships, and communities better.
If you’re a venue owner or event organizer, please bring bottoms in to teach. If you’re not but would like to see this, please message your favorite venues and events. They want to bring people in—the more people that show interest, the more likely this is to happen.
Don’t know any bottoms who teach? You can start with the list of bottoming classes linked here.