Note: “you” is me talking to me. Not you.
You can be 24/7 property (and I am) but you can’t be a 24/7 slave (and I’ve tried). At least, not the way you want to be, the way you think you should be. Not always. There will be times when the papers are due and the tests need studying for and the invitations need addressing and the work must be attended to, and you must still sleep, and eat, and rest. And all the same, the stress consumes you. You want to beg Him to beat or threaten or tie or rape the tears out of you. You want to fall to your knees and refocus. You want to fill your mind with only Him.
But you can’t pour from an empty glass.
Even harder, these will be the times when He is showing you the most Love. He surrounds you with it. Reminds you He will take care of you. That He would rather you happy than conventionally successful. That you can live that life, *hat one, and He will still be proud, maybe moreso. These will be the times when He’s proving and re-proving that you can feel safe with Him, that he can be dependable, your rock, that all will be well, that all is well, and these will be the times when you most want to show your overwhelming gratitude in the ways that you know how.
He says things are clean but you know they just aren’t clean enough. The food isn’t your best. You could be doing more.
“Stop procrastinating,” He says, when you are wiping down the table again. “You can do this next week. You do what you must. You do it now. You do it for me, and you will have those pages done by the time I come home.”
So you do. And it is what He commands, but it still doesn’t feel like enough.
I am meant to serve Him. I need to serve Him. How can I find the time to serve Him?
But this is what He commands. You don’t decide what serves him.
So you go upstairs and you do the work. This is still service, you say to yourself until you believe it. This is what our future needs. This is what our one day home will look like (kitchen island, soundproof walls), this is what our days will be filled with (hiking and torture and reading scripts aloud), and this is where we will go (that secret beach), and I just have to get there, I just have to get there, and every little step is for us and for Him and you will give Him your happiness and stability and you will get there.
And when you take your breaks in it all, you will think of Him so you can keep going. You will lie on the floor and repeat the mantra He gave you back when you were oceans away and desperate for Him, I am His, I am Loved, I exist to serve, and you will start again.
And you will think of all the things you will do for Him once this is done.
And you will write.