There was a time when I had more relationship time logged in long-distance relationships than out of them. I went from three years in a military relationship that started just one month before he went to boot camp, and a year after my Owner and I met, I went to Israel for a semester. I remember realizing when I’d finally been physically with significant others more than I had been without them and feeling this strange weight I didn’t know I still had lift off me. And also, a sort of sadness—because the long distance thing, while it really sucks, has aspects that don’t come back when you’re together.
I don’t say that to tell you it doesn’t suck. It sucks hard. And all those going through long distance (or short distance, but virtual) right now have it even harder. See, you have the mysterious deployment long distance. The mysterious deployment long distance was my “actually, there’s no countdown, because I have no idea when I’m going to see you again.” And… okay, it wasn’t the hardest, because that relationship was failing as it was. But with how much I relied on countdowns at other times, I really feel for people stuck apart right now. Truly. I think that’s one of the most awful things about this.
I want to share some thoughts about things that worked for me when I was long-distance with my Owner. Fair warning: I’ve written about this before, and I am going to copy some things directly from that older writing, so if you’ve read that lately for some reason you may not gain anything from this. But right now, that reading looks kind of fluffy to me. I’d like to try to focus more on why what we did worked for me as a right-side-of-the-slash person this time. I’m hoping that those in this position now for the first time will gain something from this, whether that’s sharing with left-side counterparts or left-side counterparts gathering ideas and better understanding what their right-side may need.
As always, communicate as to needs, desires, and ways to fulfill them. This is about my relationship, with my Owner, in the very specific way that we do kink. Maybe you do not do things this way. If that is something you are sure of, consider why, and communicate that!
Okay. Now. What you came for.
vahavta’s tips for new long distance relationships, in general
Communicate.
I’ll continue with the big one for a minute, I suppose.
You have an enormous opportunity right now to talk. I know you’re being told that by others, and I know it sounds dismissive. I’m not going to tell you it can be as great as being in person. It’s not a substitute for many things. I will say that I *personally* actually seriously do not think my relationship would have survived had we not gained the communication skills we did and had the conversations we had while I was abroad.
I’ll get to the hard stuff in a second. Let’s say what else you can communicate: you would not believe the dirty, horrible, terrifying texts I have from back then (read: these are good). One of the ways we “played” was how He would tell me in great detail over Skype what He was going to do to me when I was back in His grasp, and… oof. I mean, these were get-put-on-a-list conversations. The intensity was palpable through the wires.
Even the ex managed to do something right when it came to long distance and sex: we set up a shared Tumblr account and reposted pictures we found hot, and learned about each other more that way. Of course, that was when Tumblr allowed porn, so…
And okay, also you’ll need to communicate the hard stuff—and also, you can communicate the big stuff. Long distance is when we had the “ultimately, I’m going to need to be monogamous” conversation. Long distance is when we talked about my future career and where He would and wouldn’t be willing to follow me. Long distance is when He first expressed interest in DD/lg and we grew that part of our relationship! And also, while long distance, we had to confront harm done in our relationship through words alone, and apart, in vastly different time zones. But we *did*. We did all this. We laid it out in words, no distractions, and I think that’s really worth something. That allowed for much more looking at the details, more time to consider things, more careful phrasing.
And also, we had some really lovely conversations too, which brings me to
Dream in broad strokes.
We talked about a possible future wedding while I was abroad. We dreamed up possible scenes, vacations, lives together. And oh, how that kept me going.
I say broad strokes specifically because what you ought not do right now is plan anything on a specific date. We really don’t know when all this will end, and you don’t need that added disappointment.
But the “someday”s? Yeah. Hold on to those. Put them together with and for your partner, find pictures, use detail, create, dream, go wild.
Discuss changing boundaries.
This is largely for the non-monogamous people, but it does apply in many ways to everyone. You are now having a relationship that exists over the internet and phone. Perhaps before you were okay with your partner sharing naked photos with specific others over the internet, but it is quite possible that—now that you are also on that level—that doesn’t feel right to you. That’s okay, but needs to be clearly communicated. Some people decide that since they’re apart and can’t always provide what the other needs at the right time, they’ll temporarily approve heavy flirting and sexting in a way they wouldn’t during non-pandemic times. Okay, what happens when social distancing is over? Can they then meet up with this person? Discuss in detail. You’re in a new world. Things may change. You may reasonably feel more insecure than before. Ask for what you need in order to limit that.
Don’t text/reply to your ex.
That’s just general advice. I know right now you may be grasping for something to feel familiar, but they’re still a person you shouldn’t be with, probably.
vahavta’s protocol for new long distance power exchange relationships
Here’s what we did. Here’s what worked for me. Again, this is specific to me, but maybe it’ll help you see how to form protocol specific to you and yours.
1) Every morning, I was to drink my coffee kneeling and send him a picture.
This worked for a few reasons. This provided me with a time to stop and consider my role to Him. It was tied to a specific time, a thing I do every day. That meant it was an easy thing to be sure I was actually doing in the timelessness of a new everyday life. I also got really creative with this. It was a way to show Him my world, and I did my best to find exciting new views and ways to do this both for fun for me and to share with Him. I have a huge compilation somewhere of every one of these photos, which I think is pretty cool. Maybe I’ll find it and link it here. No idea where that’s saved.
2) I was to wear my plug while cooking.
This, again, is tied to a specific thing. I didn’t cook every day, and that wasn’t important. But when I *did*, this element was added to it. Cooking is something I learned for my Owner, and this protocol allowed me to remember that and to feel I was still doing something *for* Him (I don’t love being plugged). It kept something that was ours ours.
3) I had some rules regarding underwear and orgasms.
I was placed on orgasm restriction for the first time. I was allowed to choose one day a week to get myself off, and the rest I could not (unless He commanded it, which He sometimes did). When I *did* get myself off, I recorded it so He could be there. I was also to wear a certain kind of underwear the other six days. This, again, keeps something that was ours ours—well, in this case it made it ours for the first time, and I’ve had to ask permission to masturbate ever since (which I did not pre long distance)—and it was hot and fun. The other protocols weren’t explicitly sexual, but it was good to have this, especially as our DD/lg dynamic was developing at this time.
4) I was to copy “Property” onto my body in His handwriting.
This felt like a huge gift to me. He wanted me marked even more than I was. He sent me a few scans of His writing it so I could choose which one I wanted to use, and I re-copied it every time it started to fade. This was a symbol of our consistency, our constancy, a thing I would not let fade.
5) I was given a mantra.
He gave me my mantra while we were apart. (“I am His, I am Loved, I exist to serve.”) This was the biggest gift. I’m not big on meditation, but when you’re separate, sometimes you can’t access the other person when you need them. This is true for all couples all the time, but it feels different when you’re apart. Especially as some of us adjust to working from home, or become overscheduled somehow again with Zoom calls and activities, you will sometimes be unable to reach your partner, or they will be unable to reach you. The mantra was given to me for any time this happened, and it has become so drilled into my heart that I find myself relying on it at the strangest times to this day. In my struggles with chronic illness, when I’ve gotten shots in my spine or the like, I find myself repeating it only.*IamHisIamLovedIexisttoserveIamHisIamLovedIexisttoserve* over and over without being told to or even consciously deciding it; He gave me calm and I have kept it and this was huge.
And though this is not protocol, I want to mention aftercare.
You may find ways to play over a distance that actually are intense. Whether this is actual physical commanded acts (please, do not do breathplay long distance) or extremely dark stories told to you late at night, you may need aftercare when it’s done. Getting off the phone can be a harsh reminder that you aren’t actually together, and time differences don’t make it any easier. Until you know if you need it, maybe plan to do your play earlier in your “date” time so that you can watch a movie or talk after. What was most important for me was making sure that I didn’t encounter the things that would be hard to handle without Him after we did this. As I’m a little, I kept some fun flash game links for this part, avoided social media or anywhere I could encounter the news, and got an early bedtime.
You forget. That’s the last thing I want you to know. You forget how hard this was. You pull through; the Love pulls through and it’s big and new even if it isn’t new at all, and years later you look back and it almost seems romantic, all the ways you made it work. Years later you look back and say “I handled that just fine”, fine enough to tell other people what worked for you, despite the panic attacks and the nights wondering if we really could. You forget the aching and how jealous you are of those together. You do. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, you look back and you realize it didn’t have anything to do with the long distance, and that maybe it actually revealed things you needed to know. You start dating normally again, and you forget. And you keep on loving, and serving, and it’s okay.
It will be okay.
Want to join in on the conversation? You can find the original version of this on Fetlife here.