As a service submissive, I’ve often thought “acts of service” is an inadequate love language category. Without knowing why service means something to you or your loved one, you lack the needed information to do it properly. If the reasons behind your appreciation for service are solely in time and labor spent, solely in the idea of putting in work for somebody else proportionate to care for them, this writing *may* not be for you.
But if you are in the many of us who engage in service because we want our loved ones to have (or want them to want us to have) nice things around, or lives that are somewhat easier and allow for more time for hobbies and each other, or no need to think about the small things that must get done, or something in that vein, I have a somewhat unusual proposition: the key to good service is to do it poorly.
My Owner had me learn to cook for Him. These days, I’m fairly in charge of everything related to what we eat, and while I’ll ask His input when I’m meal planning, what He really cares about is that we have dinner and that it’s relatively healthy.
But when I started, I thought that good service was the service that I put the most of myself in to. I made fairly elaborate meals with two sides every night, tried to make sure I didn’t repeat them pretty much ever, and saw more work as better.
And I always minced my own garlic.
Lives are tough. Many of us balance taking care of children or parents, health issues of our own, work, creative pursuits, community obligations and roles, and more. We go through bursts of being able to get it all down, or bursts of focus on one or two of these in particular. And we burn out. We have phases of “doing it well” and “not doing it.” Or we give up a category or three here and there, or become personally miserable.
Okay, and then what?
Are our partners’ lives still easier if they’re managing our stress breakdowns all the time, or if we don’t have energy left to give them our best?
Do they really have less to worry about if we are every so often going to need to lie in bed for a week recovering?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should slack off on what is expected of you. I’m saying that if the goal is an easier life for a partner or simply things being nice and put-together, what matters is that it gets done.
Back then, I never would have used pre-minced garlic. It comes in little tubes or jars. It’s not fresh. And it also takes like 200% less work from me. This is a small part of any meal (although make no mistake, there’s garlic in *everything* I cook) and it isn’t something my Owner can taste a difference in. But while no one ever had said if it would matter either way, it seemed like it did to me.
It seemed like buying the pre-minced garlic was a short-cut, which meant “bad.”
It seemed like pressing the button on the Roomba was sucking at service.
It seemed like a lot of things that *were all in my head.*
It’s interesting how many times I’ve heard people who are stressed out around service have total revelations at this. It just hasn’t occurred to them–because they’ve assigned their own ideas to the value service brings and never asked the person they provide the service to. And yes, for some, service is an expression of amount of work = amount of care. But for others, it’s the end result that matters. So why not take shortcuts when they make the rest of the machine run smoothly?
Five minutes to my schedule here and there adds up. Fewer repetitive wrist motions absolutely do. What my Owner had asked of me was to take care of meals. That was it. That didn’t mean “to the extent that it comes before your mental health and our ability to take time together.” That didn’t mean “and the amount of time that takes you is directly proportional to your Love and submission.” That meant “take care of meals.”
So, yeah. I use pre-minced garlic. And I’m providing good service; I’m providing what my Owner wants of me. And my food tastes fucking fantastic.