As a frame of reference/bias, I am in a 24/7 CNC TPE, which for me means I have no safeword and—outside of my needs for a lifetime relationship, as someone who wants a family—have not and do not set limits. I have been in this arrangement for six years at time of writing (ten years at time of this website launching).
The relationship I’m in is one I have always wanted. Before I knew what BDSM was, I knew this was what I was interested in sexually. I believe all forms of sexuality are on a spectrum, and on this spectrum, mine is pretty close to the limit of one side—I never, ever fantasized about a sex life that wasn’t like this. Same thing romantically. When I first ever heard what a safeword was, I felt wholly uninterested. Note that I don’t think it makes anyone any lesser in any way to have and want that; it just doesn’t do it for me. I tried. Believe me, I tried. I recognize that as an easy way to increase safety, and I sometimes *wish* I could be happy with one—but I can’t.
I wasn’t officially on Fet long before I met my Owner, who shared my interest in this sort of thing. I encountered lots and lots of info on negotiation and safewords and consent, and also a lot of vitriol towards the sort of thing I wanted. It’s unequivocally abuse, I read. Others said people who wanted it had no empathy for those who are being abused. Or that those who wanted it should seek therapeutic help (not that I believe there’s anyone who shouldn’t, mind you). Or that those who wanted it deserved to be violated. Or worse. I was just barely 19, my brain certainly still hardwiring, and my big step to embrace/seek fulfilling happiness had only led me to more shame, to more wondering if something was wrong with me. That’s something many of us experienced before finding this site. For me, it lived here.
But—luckily—I also found a handful of people talking about CNC. Group intellectual discussion, writings of both the explanatory and erotica varieties, some pictures. All these led me to private conversations with those people about how their relationships and scenes worked, what got them there, how they made themselves as safe as they could, what had gone wrong, what they would do differently. They helped me, a 19 year old who knew no one in the area but the man she was about to start dating, figure out how to do this. I wasn’t in The Scene here at all then. I’d been to play parties, but not in this state. There weren’t really classes available on this. It was only through others discussing this on Fet that I found allies and mentors and sounding boards. And obviously it turned out just fine—but had it not, they would have been the people I knew I could get help getting out from. How could I know for sure someone else wouldn’t just tell me I deserved it for my naivety in asking for what I did, which would actually mean “I deserved it because of what makes me happy”?
Here’s the thing. If I never found CNC content here (and the people making it), that wouldn’t have stopped me from going after what I wanted. I still would have tried to build a relationship without safewords or limits that I set, but I would have withdrawn from any sort of community. I would have no concept of the actual risks (which are not so simple as getting attacked with a chainsaw as some would like to think) or how to communicate within it. I would have no affirmation it was okay to want this and that it was possible without abuse. I would have been on my own.
And that’s me. Most who play with CNC aren’t wanting as high-risk as I am, much less 24/7. If you ask people to not post CNC content, you’re definitely isolating the people like me and preventing them from making things that fulfill them safer for themselves, but you’re also taking valuable info away from others who want it who *do* need to know that it’s okay to say no to a partner in negotiations, that safewords can be used in this, etc, so that they have the example if some assclown tells them otherwise.
CNC porn exists outside the site. CNC erotica exists outside the site. CNC discussion of safety, of reality, journal entries and conversations and accounts of things gone wrong? Not so much. Those of us drawn to this are already seeing the blinding lights, and it’s an internet community that is willing to share and discuss and answer questions that gives the wider picture.
Limiting this content doesn’t actually make anyone safer at all. Those who aren’t interested were never relevant to this discussion, and those who are will not know where to get resources. The people you think this would protect—yes, including the kids who shouldn’t be here, of which I was once one—aren’t coming online and saying “oh, guess this doesn’t exist, so I won’t do it.” They’re still doing it. They’re just isolated.
I truly think those in the conversation saying my kind of CNC should be fully banned often have good intentions here. But from where I stand, limiting it only sets bottoms up for danger in the long run, and I will not be a part of it.